Headstone Proof

We got Tacen's headstone proof and we live how it turned out! It has a few key features that are so him and I think he would have loved! The design isn't exactly how we envisioned, but we like it better! We are excited to see this all done and in person, even if it won't be til August!

Cade's Ring

Cade's ring finally arrived! Yay! He loves how it turned out and we are glad he has it!!! We are glad for some place like Needhams where you can design jewelry just how you like it! What a fun little reminder of our sweet boy! I'm so glad that Cade finally has his ring! We are loving wearing our rings around!

Like a Dream

I had so many amazing memories of Tacen! I can look around our home and picture him everywhere! I often look around and remember how he used to play and what he would do. I love and cherish those memories! I love our little home because it was the last place Tacen was with us on this earth! I love the time we were able to have with him here!
That all being said I'm very grateful for my memories, but my mortal mind is well, mortal and unfortunately each day Tacen becomes just that. . . A memory! It sometimes feels like the last 3 1/2 months have been years. It feels like an eternity since I saw, held and played with my sweet boy! It feels like a distant dream. One that I remember quite well, but that ends.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but its how I can describe how I'm feeling about all of this. I will forever remember Tacen. He will live on through Cade and I and the memories we have. We want to make sure all of his siblings know him and who he is/was! He will always be a very important part of our family. We will always love him and cherish the time we had with him. Most of all we will ALWAYS miss him. But life goes on because it has to. We got on to be good parents to Daxon. We go on so we can do the best we can to get back our sweet boy.  Most of the time though I wish I could have a few more minutes of that beautiful dream...someday...someday!

Tacen Jewelry

When Tacen passed away I wanted something that I could keep with me that would remind me of him. Cade and I talked about it and we both decided we'd like rings. Cade had a very specific design in mind. We got my engagement ring from SE Needhams. We  were able to design my ring just how we wanted it. We knew that's what we wanted to do with our Tacen rings. We knew we could design then just how we wanted them.  We went in December while we were in Utah and got them designed. We had a few snags along the way (I think mostly because of long distance). They had them both done and ready to ship out and then they realized that Cade's got sized to a 5 some mistake in their cad program. So his will still be a couple weeks, but I got mine in the mail today and I LOVE it!

I also wanted to show my beautiful necklaces. We had some very thoughtful people give me beautiful necklaces and I LOVE wearing them around. I love my jewelry and the little pieces of Tacen I can have with me to remember him!

Happiness

I was reading the February Ensign and I found this:
That leads them to ask questions such as “Why are you so happy?” or “Why do you always have such a positive attitude?” The answers to these questions, of course, lead perfectly into a conversation about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. - February First Presidency Message

It really got me thinking. I have been asked since Tacen passed away, "How can you be happy? How are you smiling?" The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its teachings are what allow me to be happy. I truly am happy in my life! Right after Tacen passed away I didn't realize it as much as I should have, but all of the strength and happiness I found and continue to find are because of my Savior Jesus Christ, My Heavenly Father and His restored church here upon the earth. Through a loving Heavenly Father, he created an infinite plan for us. A plan where we are organized into loving families and where we can be together forever. This life is not the end! This knowledge helps me to have the strength to go on each day. It helps me to know that any of the joys and opportunities we've missed out on now with Tacen we'll have every experience and joy with him one day. It's just been put on hold for now. That brings me happiness! It's not over! Because of my Savior his sacrifice and resurrection all will be made right. And we will have every opportunity with Tacen one day! How can that not make me feel happy? So that's how I smile and show happiness! Because I have so much to be happy about!

Grieving

Over the past few months I've learned a lot about how I grieve and how everyone grieves in their own way. I've learned that this is completely normal and perfectly ok! I don't often get this response from others. I'm beginning to think everyone expects me to walk around sad, depressed and crying all the time! If you know me, you know that's not in my personality! It's also not how my sweet Tacen would want me to live my life! Tace in my opinion was the epitome of happiness! In his short life of just under 21/2 years he taught me many things and happiness was a huge part of that! As I've reflected on his condition walking was a huge struggle, but he was so happy! He loved life and I want to follow that example!
Now don't get the wrong impression I miss him terribly! I long for my sweet boy, I long to hold him and have him hug me back. I long to smell his sweaty head after his nap. I long to have him asking me to go outside, for his baba and kanky(blankey). I long for the crazy days of motherhood of 2 and how I used to think that was tough. As I watch Daxon growing up I long for him to have his big brother to play with, learn from, follow around and have fun with. There are many things I long for, but mostly I'm know that its hard for me and all of us here. I know where he is. I know he is whole. I know he is saved in the Celestial Kingdom and that he dwells with our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ!(D&C 137:10).  And because have this knowledge all I really want is for Cade and I to do our very best so we can be with him again someday. So I smile and I go on.
I have rough days. I have good days. I miss my son! But I am doing the best I can. I am dealing with this the way that works for me and for now that has to be enough, because I can't do anything else.

White Rose

I found this recently and I loved it!

 The White Rose

By, Myrna Cox

All the earth’s mothers were gathered together at God’s Garden of flowers; those

beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and

tended in the garden. A loving father spoke to the Mothers; “See the works of

my hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits,” the garden

glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors.

“Choose Ye,” He said, Now in the East corner of the garden pure white roses

stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind

of purity which set them apart. One by one mother’s stepped forward “I want the

blue eyed, curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion.

“Yet another chose a brown eyed, brown haired boy full of life and love who

would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with

excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would

soon welcome into warmth and love of an earthly home. Once again the loving

Father spoke,” But who will take the white roses, the ones in the East corner of

the garden. These will return to me in purity and goodness, they will not stay

long in your home, for I must bring them back to my Garden for they belong with

me, but they will gain bodies as was planned, you will miss them and long for

them, but I will personally care for them.” “No, not I,” many said, in unison. “ I

couldn’t bear to give one back so soon.” “Nor I,” said others. “We will take those

who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.” The loving Father

looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in His eyes for

someone to step forward, Silence. Then he said, “See the most pure and perfect

of all the white ones, I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all

mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not any

one choose like unto Him?” A few mothers stepped forward. “Yes, Father, I Will.”

Then another, and, “I as well,” “Yes, we will Father” Soon all the pure white roses

were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of the mothers. The Father spoke

again “Oh, blessed are your who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a

heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can

understand at this time. The white ones, embraced their mother knew they could

endure the tasks. And the Greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen

gather her chicks. And the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child,

consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each

mother who bore the weight of the White Rose, would feel the overwhelming love

of God, as they all shouted, “Thy will be done.”