Perspective

If you come by our home on any given day most likely you will find toys strewn about, Optometry school books, a pair or multiple shoes, and many other things. Before Tacen passed away I would pick up all the toys each evening and try to clean everything up. I worried so much about a spotless house with things put away. I'd stress about it and sometimes get frustrated when our home looked less than clean. Now my perspective has changed! I would much rather stop and enjoy the time with Cade and Daxon then stress over all the toys being put away each night. Let me pause by saying that I still value cleanliness, but having everything put away in its own little place isn't so much a priority of mine any longer.
It is the time in my life to have children in our home. To be with them and to have their toys and things scattered about. There will be a time when Cade and I are older, our children are gone and there won't be our children's things. There won't be anyone there to mess it up if you will, but for now I am going to enjoy seeing the hand prints on the mirror, the toys everywhere and enjoy my little family for as long as I have them here!
That all being said my sweet mom came across an article from How Does She that talks about nurturing yourself and grief and what not here are a couple parts that stood out to me.

Little things that may have once bothered me took on a different light. One day, my kids took two worn-out, oversized pillows with seems beginning to split, from their play room and proceeded to tear out all the cotton batting. In the blink of an eye (or the time it took me to unload the dishwasher) it was spread ALL over the entire floor. Their unbridled joy was incredible. They were making trails, “snow” angels, and piling mounds into billowy clouds when I happened upon the scene. Seeing their jubilation, I couldn’t get angry. And in the BIG picture, I was learning not to sweat the small stuff. I was learning slowly but surely, this was “small stuff”. So instead of getting angry, I got out the camera.
I'm thankful that the spirit guided me to know that I needed to stop and enjoy my life right then. I felt very strongly prompted to stop and enjoy my life in the moment last summer. I kept thinking ahead to next summer (Summer 2013) when Daxon would be bigger and interactive. Tacen would be walking better and I just thought things would have been perfect! However, the spirit was there. It was telling me, "Kelsie, stop and enjoy life now."  I tried to listen and there are things that I didn't stop and enjoy and there are moments that I missed capturing.  The pictures below are two I took of Tacen in his element. The first I was nursing Daxon and Tacen got very quite in the kitchen. I went out to find salt dumped all over the kitchen floor and Tacen playing right in the middle of it.
The 2nd was one of Tacen's favorite getting the water out of the fridge drenching himself and playing in the water.

I cherish these pictures and I cherish the new outlook Tacen has given me on life. That it's too short and I need to strive to stop and enjoy each moment!

How Does She also shares:
And whenever I saw an orchid, I thought of what an orchid grower once told me, “some species require an extended cold snap in order to induce a bloom”. She explained how the plant may go through a period where perhaps it feels like it’s dying before it brings forth its greatest beauty. Hmmm. I considered the possibility that there might be a process built into humans that works that way too. And I was encouraged to endure the long, cold feelings in the hopes that someday, I too could bring forth beauty from this tragedy.

I find in my life that there are little little positives (or sometimes large positives) that come from the challenges and struggles we face. Even with the passing of my sweet Tacen there have been little positives. I look for those. I cherish them. You see I can't bring Tacen back, I can't change that he's gone, but I can find those little positives. So I strive to. I also strive to find within myself that process of change, endurance and growth as I go through the trials of life and as I do I grow, my perspective changes and I hope that I am shaped into the person I have the potential of becoming!

Change

I have much time to think. With that comes slow understanding into my feels, reactions, etc. I've had many say you and Cade must have been so wonderful to have been chosen to be the parents if such a choice spirit who wouldn't need to stay here and withstand the trials of this day(or something along those lines)! Most often our reply has been well then I guess I wasn't that special. However, I've thought and realized I don't think me being special has anything to do with it! I think it has more to do from all I have to learn, gain, experience and change through all of this! You can't go through something like this and not have it change you! For example I used to be quite particular about picking up the toys at night and putting everything away! Now I realize I would much rather spend that time with Cade or Daxon. Not to say I don't value having a clean home, but for me I've come to realize there are things in life that matter more to me!
I've come to realize that life is too short to hold on to hard feelings. That when I do it is only hurting myself and holding me back from the progression I need to make. So I'm working on forgiving and forgetting more quickly!
With things like this it brings change, but I'm still me. I still have the same personality, laugh and smile. I still joke around with friends and family. I still try to find the good life has to offer and be happy!
There's one other thing that has been on my mind. Yesterday on Facebook I have a friend who also lost a child and she post from another Facebook page this:
There are times when we need to step back from life and allow ourselves the time to grieve. There's nothing wrong or crazy or unnatural about that. After losing a child, society wants to push us back into the regular routine of life only days after going through the trauma of child loss. We're told we should be brave, not cry, get busy, do "normal things" -- but rarely does anyone say "Take all the time you need to cry. Take time to grasp hold of what has happened. Take time to externalize some of the pain you're holding in." We can only fake it so long until we finally have to stop and deal with the grief. Child loss is a life-changing, traumatic happening that can't just be swept under the rug. The pain touches every area of our lives -- even the way we breathe.

 It got me thinking and I wanted to share it on my page so I did. Because I've gotten many different responses about staying busy and getting back into a routine and different things. All with good intentions. With it I posted:
Well said! I wish some would just say, "Grieve and take as long as you need!" Everyone grieve's so differently and in their own way!
 Because no one ever said anything like this. I did get some people who had experience similar situations saying things like, "The hole in your heart won't ever go away, but the edges with soften and it won't hurt so badly." Things like that helped me.
A couple of my friends commented and said:
Yes, grieve and take as long as you need, be it days, months, years, or a lifetime! I don't think you'd be normal of you weren't still grieving.

I haven't been in your position, and I don't live close to you, but as I've only imagined how you might feel, I have expected for you to keep grieving and just take it one day at a time, and I don't think you should have to pretend to feel "normal" if you don't. If you wake up feeling like you aren't up for your regular routine, I think you're allowed to turn off your phone, ignore the doorbell, stay in your pj's, and grieve...as long as someone (like your hubby) knows you are safe, of course!

 I appreciated their thoughtfulness. I have done just this. I have grieved. I continue to grieve. I take the time I need when I need it. I found for me one of the best things I can do it cry when I want to. It really helps me to get it all out and then most often I'll be ok for a period of time. Be it an hour, a day or even a couple days.  Then I cry again when it hits and when I want to.

Headstone Proof

We got Tacen's headstone proof and we live how it turned out! It has a few key features that are so him and I think he would have loved! The design isn't exactly how we envisioned, but we like it better! We are excited to see this all done and in person, even if it won't be til August!

Cade's Ring

Cade's ring finally arrived! Yay! He loves how it turned out and we are glad he has it!!! We are glad for some place like Needhams where you can design jewelry just how you like it! What a fun little reminder of our sweet boy! I'm so glad that Cade finally has his ring! We are loving wearing our rings around!

Like a Dream

I had so many amazing memories of Tacen! I can look around our home and picture him everywhere! I often look around and remember how he used to play and what he would do. I love and cherish those memories! I love our little home because it was the last place Tacen was with us on this earth! I love the time we were able to have with him here!
That all being said I'm very grateful for my memories, but my mortal mind is well, mortal and unfortunately each day Tacen becomes just that. . . A memory! It sometimes feels like the last 3 1/2 months have been years. It feels like an eternity since I saw, held and played with my sweet boy! It feels like a distant dream. One that I remember quite well, but that ends.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but its how I can describe how I'm feeling about all of this. I will forever remember Tacen. He will live on through Cade and I and the memories we have. We want to make sure all of his siblings know him and who he is/was! He will always be a very important part of our family. We will always love him and cherish the time we had with him. Most of all we will ALWAYS miss him. But life goes on because it has to. We got on to be good parents to Daxon. We go on so we can do the best we can to get back our sweet boy.  Most of the time though I wish I could have a few more minutes of that beautiful dream...someday...someday!

Tacen Jewelry

When Tacen passed away I wanted something that I could keep with me that would remind me of him. Cade and I talked about it and we both decided we'd like rings. Cade had a very specific design in mind. We got my engagement ring from SE Needhams. We  were able to design my ring just how we wanted it. We knew that's what we wanted to do with our Tacen rings. We knew we could design then just how we wanted them.  We went in December while we were in Utah and got them designed. We had a few snags along the way (I think mostly because of long distance). They had them both done and ready to ship out and then they realized that Cade's got sized to a 5 some mistake in their cad program. So his will still be a couple weeks, but I got mine in the mail today and I LOVE it!

I also wanted to show my beautiful necklaces. We had some very thoughtful people give me beautiful necklaces and I LOVE wearing them around. I love my jewelry and the little pieces of Tacen I can have with me to remember him!

Happiness

I was reading the February Ensign and I found this:
That leads them to ask questions such as “Why are you so happy?” or “Why do you always have such a positive attitude?” The answers to these questions, of course, lead perfectly into a conversation about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. - February First Presidency Message

It really got me thinking. I have been asked since Tacen passed away, "How can you be happy? How are you smiling?" The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its teachings are what allow me to be happy. I truly am happy in my life! Right after Tacen passed away I didn't realize it as much as I should have, but all of the strength and happiness I found and continue to find are because of my Savior Jesus Christ, My Heavenly Father and His restored church here upon the earth. Through a loving Heavenly Father, he created an infinite plan for us. A plan where we are organized into loving families and where we can be together forever. This life is not the end! This knowledge helps me to have the strength to go on each day. It helps me to know that any of the joys and opportunities we've missed out on now with Tacen we'll have every experience and joy with him one day. It's just been put on hold for now. That brings me happiness! It's not over! Because of my Savior his sacrifice and resurrection all will be made right. And we will have every opportunity with Tacen one day! How can that not make me feel happy? So that's how I smile and show happiness! Because I have so much to be happy about!