Tacen Jewelry

When Tacen passed away I wanted something that I could keep with me that would remind me of him. Cade and I talked about it and we both decided we'd like rings. Cade had a very specific design in mind. We got my engagement ring from SE Needhams. We  were able to design my ring just how we wanted it. We knew that's what we wanted to do with our Tacen rings. We knew we could design then just how we wanted them.  We went in December while we were in Utah and got them designed. We had a few snags along the way (I think mostly because of long distance). They had them both done and ready to ship out and then they realized that Cade's got sized to a 5 some mistake in their cad program. So his will still be a couple weeks, but I got mine in the mail today and I LOVE it!

I also wanted to show my beautiful necklaces. We had some very thoughtful people give me beautiful necklaces and I LOVE wearing them around. I love my jewelry and the little pieces of Tacen I can have with me to remember him!

Happiness

I was reading the February Ensign and I found this:
That leads them to ask questions such as “Why are you so happy?” or “Why do you always have such a positive attitude?” The answers to these questions, of course, lead perfectly into a conversation about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. - February First Presidency Message

It really got me thinking. I have been asked since Tacen passed away, "How can you be happy? How are you smiling?" The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its teachings are what allow me to be happy. I truly am happy in my life! Right after Tacen passed away I didn't realize it as much as I should have, but all of the strength and happiness I found and continue to find are because of my Savior Jesus Christ, My Heavenly Father and His restored church here upon the earth. Through a loving Heavenly Father, he created an infinite plan for us. A plan where we are organized into loving families and where we can be together forever. This life is not the end! This knowledge helps me to have the strength to go on each day. It helps me to know that any of the joys and opportunities we've missed out on now with Tacen we'll have every experience and joy with him one day. It's just been put on hold for now. That brings me happiness! It's not over! Because of my Savior his sacrifice and resurrection all will be made right. And we will have every opportunity with Tacen one day! How can that not make me feel happy? So that's how I smile and show happiness! Because I have so much to be happy about!

Grieving

Over the past few months I've learned a lot about how I grieve and how everyone grieves in their own way. I've learned that this is completely normal and perfectly ok! I don't often get this response from others. I'm beginning to think everyone expects me to walk around sad, depressed and crying all the time! If you know me, you know that's not in my personality! It's also not how my sweet Tacen would want me to live my life! Tace in my opinion was the epitome of happiness! In his short life of just under 21/2 years he taught me many things and happiness was a huge part of that! As I've reflected on his condition walking was a huge struggle, but he was so happy! He loved life and I want to follow that example!
Now don't get the wrong impression I miss him terribly! I long for my sweet boy, I long to hold him and have him hug me back. I long to smell his sweaty head after his nap. I long to have him asking me to go outside, for his baba and kanky(blankey). I long for the crazy days of motherhood of 2 and how I used to think that was tough. As I watch Daxon growing up I long for him to have his big brother to play with, learn from, follow around and have fun with. There are many things I long for, but mostly I'm know that its hard for me and all of us here. I know where he is. I know he is whole. I know he is saved in the Celestial Kingdom and that he dwells with our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ!(D&C 137:10).  And because have this knowledge all I really want is for Cade and I to do our very best so we can be with him again someday. So I smile and I go on.
I have rough days. I have good days. I miss my son! But I am doing the best I can. I am dealing with this the way that works for me and for now that has to be enough, because I can't do anything else.

White Rose

I found this recently and I loved it!

 The White Rose

By, Myrna Cox

All the earth’s mothers were gathered together at God’s Garden of flowers; those

beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and

tended in the garden. A loving father spoke to the Mothers; “See the works of

my hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits,” the garden

glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors.

“Choose Ye,” He said, Now in the East corner of the garden pure white roses

stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind

of purity which set them apart. One by one mother’s stepped forward “I want the

blue eyed, curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion.

“Yet another chose a brown eyed, brown haired boy full of life and love who

would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with

excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would

soon welcome into warmth and love of an earthly home. Once again the loving

Father spoke,” But who will take the white roses, the ones in the East corner of

the garden. These will return to me in purity and goodness, they will not stay

long in your home, for I must bring them back to my Garden for they belong with

me, but they will gain bodies as was planned, you will miss them and long for

them, but I will personally care for them.” “No, not I,” many said, in unison. “ I

couldn’t bear to give one back so soon.” “Nor I,” said others. “We will take those

who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.” The loving Father

looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in His eyes for

someone to step forward, Silence. Then he said, “See the most pure and perfect

of all the white ones, I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all

mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not any

one choose like unto Him?” A few mothers stepped forward. “Yes, Father, I Will.”

Then another, and, “I as well,” “Yes, we will Father” Soon all the pure white roses

were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of the mothers. The Father spoke

again “Oh, blessed are your who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a

heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can

understand at this time. The white ones, embraced their mother knew they could

endure the tasks. And the Greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen

gather her chicks. And the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child,

consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each

mother who bore the weight of the White Rose, would feel the overwhelming love

of God, as they all shouted, “Thy will be done.”

Tacen 28 Months

I had started to write a few things down for a 28th month post for my sweet Tacen.  Over the last month or so I have compiled some of my favorite things that I always want to remember (mostly during the middle of the night as I nurse Dax).   I sure miss this little guy and all the joy he brought into our lives! I feel so blessed to have been his mother for the short time he was here with us. I learned so much from him in such a short time. I will always love and miss him.  I can't wait for the day I can hold him again in my arms (I may never let go!).  Here are a few things about my sweet boy!

• His speech was really picking up. Some of my favorites: p -pancake, adoo -open(open the door), howlp- help, I need howlp pease, Au- for on and off, fro - frog, ele- elephant, aaa- ant, train says choo choo!, car says beep beep!, cow, p is also pig, Wa-water, ju-juice, konkey-monkey, tig or ger for tigger, kankey - blankey, down, I poop... I poop I poop I poop (fast), shoe, hat, ouside - outside, down, amean - amen, Cookoo- cookie, cacker -cracker, Dason- Daxon, two, Tacen, 
• Animals and sounds: lion rrrrrar!, puppy woof, kitty meow, sheep baaa, cow mooo, duck kack, horse neigh (high pitched), chicken cuck, cuck, Monkey - he would make sounds just like curious George, 
• He loved pancakes and would ask for a p almost daily. He loved almost all breakfast foods. Especially anything with nutella! 
• He was really big into asking, "Daddy?" Every time we went anywhere in the car he assumed we were going to see Daddy.
• He loved Cheerios always! Tried and true!
• Loved Trix cereal and would ask for ball, ball? to eat quite frequently!
• Always LOVED rice! We called him out little sumo wrestler.
• LOVED Curious George! 
• Called TV - T and would always ask T? 
• Loved Daxon and was so gentle with him. Especially loved to gently rub Daxon's head.They were just starting to get interactive with each other where they would smile and laugh at each other! He knew right off that Daxon belonged with us. We soon couldn't go anywhere with him saying, "Dason?" He also would run back to his crib and stand there when Dax would cry until I would get him out and help him!
• He never said a lot, but he always made you know just what he wanted!
• He had the best snuggles imaginable! He usually woke up from his naps kinda grumpy, but he'd need his kankey and he'd rest his head on my shoulder and just snuggle! I really miss this!
• The kid loved water anywhere there was water outside he'd find it. It didn't matter how small! 
• He loved hot wheels cars that is one thing that he always had with him or close by. He always had to take one to bed and most often if possible he'd shoot one under the door. His little face would light up completely whenever he got a new one! And immediately he'd ask,  "Out? Out?"
• He LOVES his Daddy! Every day when Cade got home as the garage door would start to go up, I would say, "Who's home?" he would then respond, "Daddy!" and go running to the door to greet him!
• Every night the last couple months he'd lay on the floor in front of his door and fall asleep. Then later on we'd go in and put him on his bed. 
• Most often first thing in the morning he'd lay in front if his door and knock saying "Daddy! Daddy!" that's the easiest way to get Cade out of bed! 
• Whenever I would lay him down for nap or bed he would lay on his tummy, have tig under one arm and I'd always give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him I loved him. He usually close his eyes.
• He had recently started giving me kisses...on the lips. He wouldn't kiss Cade though, just me! I loved it! He usually say, mwahh! 
• His adorable friend Madison had just taught him how to swing on his belly and he LOVED it! He would still say, "Swing, swing." when he'd swing like he'd been doing for a while.
• If he was done at dinner he'd say, "All done!" he'd been good at that for a while, but if you weren't quick enough he'd start saying, "Down! Down!" he also thought down was also used when he wanted to get up somewhere. 
• He hated when he'd get one of my hairs on him and he'd say, hair and have to get it off!
• He loved pushing the paint roller up and down the driveway. He also loved pushing the umbrella stroller. It had a dual purpose though because if he got too tired he'd climb in and expect you to push him after that. 
• He loved his wagon he got for his birthday. He had fun riding in it and also pulling it up and down the sidewalk. He'd usually pull it part way and then expect me to take over. 
• He loved when Cade would push him around in the laundry bin. We'd count 3,2,1...and he scream go! Then we'd push him around. He could play that game forever! Too bad Cade and I would get worn out!
• He also loved being pushed around his his black police car. He'd do the same thing counting 3,2,1 or ready set and he'd yell, "GO!" 
• Recently he started liking to tip over his little black car! He'd climb all over and play. He was even getting good at setting it back up! Silly boy!
• He always loved climbing up on the ottoman and then diving off into our arms. Didn't matter if you were ready for him or not!
• He also loved if we'd take the lid off the bigger ottoman and he'd climb inside.
• He loved when we'd build a tower with his stacking blocks and then he'd have to get his red tonka. Had to be the red tonka and knock it over. He'd yell, "GO!" for that too!
• He could spend hours in the water. He'd play in the tub every morning while I got ready. He'd liked having the black dish bins or blue bucket in with him most recently. 
• He loved taking the blue bucket to the hose spicket out front and have us turn it on so he could fill it up! Then of course he had a ball playing in the water!
• He was always good at giving his stuffed animals hugs. He'd put them up next to his face and squish them between his face and shoulder. Often we'd have to give hugs to his stuffed animals too. He recently started to like the panda finger puppet in the quiet book I made him and he'd give that little thing hugs too!
• He LOVED the iPad and iPod! He could spend hours playing games or watching Disney or PBS kids apps. He taught Cade some tricks he didn't even know how to do. He even said iPad very well and would ask for it all the time. If it was gone with Cade to school he'd then ask for the iPod. When we spell things to disguise it we had to spell p-a-d because if we used the i he'd catch on.
• He was very particular about his blankey. It always had to be dots up. There couldn't even be a little bit of the monkey side showing. He definitely loved his kankey! 
• He loved his baba! We tried SEVERAL times to get him to drink milk from a cup and he refused. Our last attempt in Aug 2012 we bought some new sippy cups special. He went 5 days without a sips of milk. After we gave up I got out the new cup and showed him me putting juice in, he drank it right off! Stubborn boy knew what he was doing! 
• Loved his bath time! Water boy! After every bath he loved to go streaking through the house. He'd always run out of the bathroom, stop and check himself out in the mirror and then keep going. I would always yell,"ahhh streaker." he thought he was so funny he'd run and just laugh and laugh!
• Loved playing in the laundry bin.
• Loved playing in the drying. Even learned how to open and close it by himself. He found the light inside fascinating. He loved playing in the dryer of all things. It never bothered him when he'd close the door and be I. There in the dark. If he wanted to get in and there were close inside he'd throw them out. Same went for the laundry basket. He especially loved when his Daddy would push him around. 
• He loved the sun roof. He'd say, "pu, pu!"(for push) and that meant I should push the button and open it. He'd also do the same thing for the garage door so he could go outside.
• I have a wheels on the bus iPod game and it has a car racing part. I told him, "tap, tap, tap." After that every time he'd play he'd say tap, tap, tap as he played. It was so cute!
• I loved doing his hair spikey. Half the time right after I'd do it he'd reach up and flatten it out.
• He was getting so good at standing by the car and waiting while I got Dax out. Then he'd usually hold my hand and we'd walk in the store.
• He always loved playing in the cars in the garage and would usually put our sunglasses on at some point.
• One time I hid some new hot wheels cars in the nightstand and he found them. He HAD to have one so we have him one and hid the others. The next day he came back and looked in the nightstand expecting to find a new one. He got so upset that there weren't any there. Because there should be an unlimited supply if new hot wheels in the nightstand.
• He loved the movies: Cars 1&2, Kung Fu Panda 1&2, Tangled, Princess & The Frog, Bolt, 
• I made Tacen a bean box last winter and he loved playing with, but it would almost always result in beans all over the bathroom floor. 
• He loved the rocking chair Pa and G'ma Sue have him for just first birthday. He'd often say, "rock, rock," while rocking in it. He always was a date devil and would stand up in it though!
• He loved saying "a-mean(amen)" at the end of prayers. He got to the pint if a prayer was too long (15 secs or longer I swear) he'd say a-mean until you finished. 
• He always held out the m in mmmmmore! I tried so hard to get him to say more and when he finally did he loved asking for more of everything! 
• My mom reminded me the other day he started saying, mon, mon go! It took me a while to figure it out, but it was for come on, lets go. I soon realized I said that quite often to him and he picked it up.
• I also loved daddy started out as a-die-y. It also took me a while to figure that one out. He loves his daddy!

I know there are many more things about this sweet boy.  I may have another post in the future with more things I'd like to remember, but there's a good list for now! Love this boy!

Tacen's Celebration of Life (Funeral)

Tacen's viewing was Friday Nov. 2 and his funeral was Saturday Nov. 3. We had so many people show love and support by coming as well as with all the beautiful flower arrangements sent to us.  We loved how the casket and casket spray turned out! They were very fitting for T - cars and beautiful bright flowers!

Tacen loved Finn! This was by far his favorite car. When he asked for a car often it was this one!  He would get new cars and they would be his favorite for a day or two and then he'd always go back to loving Fin.  You can tell by looking at it that it was very loved.

He also love the book "The Little Engine That Could." We read it several times a day!
In the weeks before Tacen passing I began to realize that Tacen was our little engine that could. He kept going even though it was so difficult for him.  He is such an example to me!

Our sweet friend Heidi sent this truck. Tacen loved this truck and would make his way to their back yard to play with it whenever we would stop by.

Thanks to G'ma Sue we had beautiful pictures to display printed up quickly.

 So many beautiful flowers were sent.

 The mortuary had a new hearse. When I saw it I said look at that Tacen would have thought that was a pretty cool car.  Then as we were right behind the hearse driving to the cemetery some cop cars flew past us to stop traffic and I said he would have wanted to be in those fast moving cop cars instead.

All the pallbearers

The closest thing we will have to a family picture for a  while.

Norman Family

Kowallis Family

Extended Kowallis Family

 The celebration of Tacen's life was really well done. It was one of the hardest days of my life, but I felt like we did a wonderful job honoring our sweet boy! He is such a special little boy and we will miss him desperately!  We are so unbelievably thankful for all the love and support we have been shown!

Here are a few pictures of Daxon after the funeral.

Aunt Alisa loving on Dax

Tacen's Obituary

Tacen Cade Kowallis came into this world July 2, 2010, weighing 8lbs 9oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He was a perfect healthy boy! Not long after his arrival fireworks went off just outside the hospital. This was the beginning of how much light he would bring into the world! He grew and developed well! He always wanted to be standing and then walking from an early age. He was a goer! Always busy! He loved to go outside and would ask several times a day come rain or shine! He has a special place in his heart for each of his grandparents who loved and spoiled him more than any child I've seen! His contagious smile and laughter made our lives and home joyous! He returned to our loving Heavenly Father on the evening of October 29, 2012 in Memphis, Tennessee at Lebonhuer Hospital. He died of respiratory failure due to swelling in his spinal column, but Dr.'s could never determine the cause of the swelling and all autopsy results came back inconclusive. His love and influence will be greatly missed by all whose lives he touched!
Survived by parents, Cade and Kelsie (Knight) Kowallis, brother, Daxon Knight Kowallis, grandparents, Scotts and Sue Kowallis, Mike and Ruth Knight, great grandparents, Calvin and Reda Kowallis, Ann Norman, Rhea Swain and Inazelle Knight.
Funeral services will be held Saturday November 3, 2012 at 11 am at the Roosevelt 2nd/11th LDS Ward building. Viewings will be held Friday evening from 6-8pm at the Hullinger Mortuary and Saturday at the church from 10-10:45am.
Burial in the Roosevelt Memorial Park.