Happy 10th Birthday Tacen

Dearest Tacen-

You would be 10 years old today! 10! It's crazy to think you'd be double digits! That I've been a parent for a decade! Crazy! We have been working to finish the last bedroom in our basement and it is going to be a guest bedroom/exercise room. I am decorating it with your things. Your name, your temple picture and Jesus picture and some other pictures of you. I am also going to get some different car pictures and make a car collage that I think you would LOVE! I've always wanted to have a room for you and get your things back out. At least some of them.
As we were pulling out your box there were a few t-shirts that we kept separate from the ones Daxon wore when he was your age. As I pulled them out it was surprising to me to remember how small they were and how small you are. I think in part because as Daxon has aged I picture you being big like him even though I also can't picture that...if that makes any sense. It made me miss you more that day and wish you were still here.
Daxon still talks often of wishing you were here to be his brother. I asked Lula the other day where you were and she said movies and pictures. So we had a nice talk about how you are in heaven with Jesus. The kids ask often when you will get to come back. When is Jesus coming again so we can see Tacen? It's been a long time! It's taking FOREVER!
The moments I feel you near are some of my favorites. It doesn't happen as often as it used too, so I really cherish them when they do happen! I like to think that you are watching over your brother and sisters! It was fun as we welcomed Lucille to our family to think of her being in Heaven with you before she came. I do love that!
We spend today thinking of you! Celebrating you and missing you! Can't wait until I can hug you again...Love you my sweet boy!
Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

7 years

I remember vividly when Tacen passed away wondering how I could make it through the days ahead without him. How could I make it 7 days, let alone 7 months or 7 years??? It feels to me now that each year is a milestone of sorts! My grief is different now than it was those first few years. I still miss my sweet boy like crazy, but it hits me in waves sometimes unsuspecting and sometimes right on cue! However, it's not so all consuming as it once was. I'm not sure if that is time or if it has something to do with life moving forward. We have 2 more kids and another one to come in 7 weeks or so! Life is busy and crazy and I love it that way, but I don't have the time to sit and think about Tacen like I did after he passed away and it was just me and Dax home all day.
Now I think of him in different ways. Like when our kids bring him up and we talk about how they miss him and wish he could be here. When Daxon is frustrated with his sisters playing something he doesn't want and he says in frustration, "mom I just wish Tacen were here! Then we could play cars!" When Lula May looks at a picture where I have superimposed Tacen to be in it with our family and she says, "Tacen" as she points to him and it's almost a surprise that he would be in the picture with us. When Iszella asks in innocence "mom when will Tacen come back? I miss him!" I long to have all the answers to these sweet questions. I long for Daxon to have his brother here with him!
When I think of how he would be 9! How has that much time passed that we should have a 9 year old!? Yet I can't picture him being 9. I try to picture what he would look like, but he's frozen in time as that precious little 2.5 year old boy of mine. I wonder how he would have grown and changed. I wonder what his interests would be. I wonder a lot, but most of these questions will go unanswered for now.
But then I have those sweet moments like thinking of Tacen being with our sweet daughter as she awaits to join our family. I like to hope he is telling her good things about our family and us as parents. I like to think he is enjoying spending sometime with her before they will be separated for a time.
I know our sweet Tacen watches over us and I am ever grateful to know that our own guardian angel has so much of a vested interest in our family. I feel his love for us and I pray often that he will know of our love for him.
As life continues I think of the joy and happiness I still have in my life. I think about how life is not easy, but honestly how it wasn't mean to be. Yet, I have found joy and happiness just as I know Tacen would want me to. He found so much joy in the little things and we won't know in this life just how much pain he was in or exactly what his struggles were like, but I am sure there was some of that. Yet he found joy and we can too!
I miss my sweet boy. I always will! But I have seen how time changes and softens things. Thankfully the pain isn't so raw, the edges not so sharp and I'm here to say that anyone wading through the trenches of grief you can do this! It doesn't get easier but you get more used to it. Its edges soften and it can be less stark and all encompassing! Grief is a journey one you don't ever really figure out, but I have learned to embrace the journey. Give into the moments where I need to cry and even push it aside when it feels like too much for that moment. I have learned so much from my sweet boy and I will ever be grateful for his life, his example and the blessing of having him as my son. 7 years closer to seeing you again Tacer Racer! I love you!

Happy 9th Birthday

Dear Tacen!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! You would be 9 today! 9 years since you made me a mom. 9 years since we met you for the first time and fell instantly in love with those blue eyes and brown hair! Its been over 6.5 years since we said good bye for now my sweet boy. We all miss you! Iszella often says, "mom we all miss Tacen!" She also has said a few times lately, "it sure is taking a long time for Tacen to come back!" Studying the New Testament this year at church and having our new Come Follow Me Curriculum we've spent a lot of time talking about our Savior and his life, Atonement, death and resurrection.  Having also had Cade's grandpa Kowallis and my grandma Knight pass away in April we talked about how they are now in heaven with you sweet boy.
The day I found out that my grandma was likely going to pass away Iszella had a dance recital and I knew it was likely we wouldn't make it in before she passed. As I was driving in the car I remember talking to you Tacen and asking you to give her a big hug for me because you would likely see her before I did. Then after she passed away I learned that she had seen you visiting her. I love thinking of her being with you. Iszella asked the other day when I was telling she and Daxon how you used to love bran muffins who was making you breakfast. We talked about how maybe Grandma Knight was making your breakfast and then in her innocence she added or Jesus' Mom! I know there are many in heaven who I loved in this life with you. With each love one that passes on I long for the second coming more. Not because I'm ever going to be good enough, but because I'm so ready to be with you again sweet boy! But I'm not ready to leave our family here so the 2nd coming is the only thing that brings us all together!
Daxon a few weeks ago was having a rough Sunday morning. The girls were playing together and he was feeling left out and didn't want to play what they were playing. In a moment of frustration he looked at me and said, "Mom I just wish Tacen was here then we could play cars!" He talks often about teaching you to ride a bike or to swim. They sure miss and love you!
This week your dad was put in the bishopric at church on Sunday (6.30.19). That morning I was feeling weepy! Pregnancy hormones have sure amplified that situation! I was thinking of you and how I needed extra strength that day. As I was getting ready the thought out of no where came into my mind, "Mom, I'm here!" It was all I needed to know that Tacen was near. I know sweet boy that you are always close. I feel your love and know you are watching over us until we can be together again!
Sweet boy I wish I could see you as a 9 year old boy. I wish I could see what you would be like. What you would like to do. Would you love biking like Daxon? Swimming? Would you have a totally different interest and hobby? Would your hair be dark brown like your dad's? Oh how I can't wait to have all these questions answered. How I can wait to hold you in my arms again and hug you tight! Just know sweet boy and your birthday and all year through you are loved, you are missed and we are doing our best to make good choices so we can be with you again! We are eating rice, going swimming and letting off balloons today in your honor sweet boy! We love you so much!

Love,
Mom

6 Years

Dearest Tacen

It's been 6 years today since we said good-bye for now! My how we miss you sweet boy! Its days like this I find myself thinking about and wondering what it would be like if you were still here with us! I long to see those blue eyes and hold your chubby hands! As time goes on being able to deal with your absence changes. Its not as harsh and piercing, but I still have moments where it hits be and knocks the breath out of me! When the longing strikes extra and I just wish to be with you.
I'm forever grateful for Daxon, Iszella and Lula May who remind me of you often! Daxon has recently begun praying and saying "Bless Tacen!" Iszella prays often that Tacen, Lori and Jesus will come back soon! She asks often where you are! She talks of before you were all in my belly and how she was in heaven with Tacen and Daxon! Lula May will catch a glimpse of one of your pictures on the wall and smile really big and point! They all know and love you. It's so important to me that you know you are never forgotten!
Yesterday at sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Each Life that Touches Ours For Good," and this part really stuck out and touched me as I thought of the fact that today would be your six year angleversary!

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory
Bringing, us nearer, Lord, to thee.

Tacen you are my goal right now. I want to be better. I want to do better, so that I can be with you again some day! You push me to try harder. You help me remember how precious life is and how things can change on a dime. You ground me and help me to be more patient with your brother and sisters! I want nothing more than when I've completed my time on this earth to see you, to wrap you in a big hug and potentially NEVER let go! I often feel you near and know that you are watching over us! If we can't have you here with us right now I'm so very thankful to know you are our own guardian angel! I love you so much my sweet boy! Thanks for listening and sending me not one, but two red headed sisters! Daxon has been praying for a baby brother for about a year now. So when we get ready to have another sibling would you send him a brother? He'd love nothing more than to have a brother here. I wish so badly you were here with him. He's the best big brother to your sisters and I know its the role he was meant to play, but oh how I long for you to be here and be his big brother! I know you are near often. I know you are still the big brother in our family even if you are not here, but its not the same. Sometimes I think about how our lives might be more chaotic and crazy if you were here, but wouldn't it be fun!?
We are thinking of you not only today, but always! Please never forget how much we love you! It's been 6 years and sometimes I can't believe its been that long and sometimes it feels like forever since I hugged and held you in my arms! We are 6 years closer to seeing you! I can't wait for that day, I love you so much sweet boy!

Love,
Mom

When Grief Hits...

Recently a friends daughter passed away. She was 2.5 and it was sudden. These two facts were close to Tacen. He was almost 2.5 and things with him were sudden. It really brought back memories of his last week and the week of the funeral. It took me through memories I hadn’t thought about in a while. It’s funny how grief does that. You don’t think about parts of your loved ones passing, but then it can all come crashing in. I thought about being there with him holding him and singing I am a Child of God as he passed away. The immense peace that filled my soul helping me to know it was God’s will. Yet the heartache of leaving the hospital without Tacen. Going home and him not being there and having to pack to fly home for his funeral. I thought of that week and how it honestly mostly feels like a blur. I remember gathering pictures and videos for a slide show Sue put together. I remember going down to the mortuary after his body had arrived from TN. Thankful it got here in time and dressing him for the last time. Then I remembered his viewing and funeral. I remember being strengthened on Friday night during his viewing and knowing that the strength was not my own. I also remember how much more emotional I felt on Saturday during the viewing prior to the funeral. I remember our dad’s speaking. My mom giving the eulogy and I remember speaking. Then I remember hearing Daxon screaming out in the hall (Thanks goes to Gail Gardner for taking him) and I got him. I remember walking right back up to the front row and nursing Daxon. All these thoughts and more filled my mind and my heart ached for my friend. I vividly remembered the loss like it was current. I always said I’d never wish losing a child on my worst enemy let alone someone I know and care about. It also reminded me how grief comes in waves. I am reading “After You” by Jojo Moyes. The main character Louisa is taking to Sam whose sister had recently passed away and says, “...’How long do you think it takes to get over someone dying? Someone you really loved, I mean.’ ...Sam’s eyes widened just a little. ‘Whoa. Well’—he looked down at his mug, and then out at the shadowy fields—‘ I’m not sure you ever do.’ ‘That’s cheery.’ ‘No. Really. I’ve thought about it a lot. You learn to live with it, with them. Because they do stay with you, even if they’re not living, breathing people anymore. It’s not the same crushing grief you felt at first, the kind that swamps you and makes you want to cry in the wrong places and get irrationally angry with all the idiots who are still alive when the person you love is dead. It’s just something you learn to accommodate. Like adapting around a hole. I don’t know. It’s like you become . . . a doughnut instead of a bun.’”

This is something I wholeheartedly believe! I remember Becky Gilbert telling us that “the hole in your heart will always be there, but with time the edges will soften.” This statement is so true! It never goes away. A piece of me is always missing! I always long to have him here with us. I always notice that he’s not here, but it’s not as crushing as it once was. I’m learning to live with it!

I can truthfully say that I am thankful for the things that losing Tacen has taught me. I am beyond grateful to be his mother, but most of all I am grateful to know that he's still mine and someday I'll be with my sweet boy again! 

Promised Blessings

As we draw closer to Easter and to the arrival of our new little one my thoughts have been turned to Tacen! Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him! I love how much our children know and love him. Iszella recently has been scared of monsters and we've talked a lot about asking Heavenly to help us feel safe and also remembering that she has an older brother Tacen to watch over her! She proudly announced a few days ago, "mom Tacen is my brother! He will watch over me and help keep me safe!" Daxon Saturday night out of the blue said, "mom I miss Tacen! When does he get to come back?" This allowed for a discussion about the seconding coming and how when Jesus comes again Tacen will be resurrected! Dax asked how Tacen would get here and Cade suggested he'd float down! Daxon liked that idea! I'm so thankful that our kids know and love Tacen! I'm also unbelievably grateful that our Savior was resurrected so we too might be! I think of baby fruit loop with Tacen now and I'm a little jealous because I would love to hug my sweet boy and see those blue eyes and his big smile! But I've felt often through this pregnancy Tacen near! I'm grateful to be his mother and I can wait to hold him in my arms again some day!!! #tacegram #tacensstory

Silver Linings

I've been kind of quiet around here on Tacen's blog. Not for one particular reason, just life getting in the way and being totally exhausted this pregnancy, really any combination of things!
I've been thinking lately about silver linings. Reasons to find gratitude in my life in spite of things not being how I might have wanted them to be! One those was this past week, Daxon and Iszella have had coughs/colds and Dax had an ear infection. I was thinking about how had we not miscarried we would have had our baby by now and how grateful I am that I'm not worried about keeping our newborn healthy right now while the kids are fighting off these bugs.
Then tonight, Iszella is afraid of monsters. There is not reasoning with her. She thinks there are monsters and you can't tell her there aren't. So we've read the book "Go Away Big Green Monster" several times and we talk about how we can tell the monsters to go away. Iszella was talking about monsters tonight and being scared. We read our book and told them to go away, then we sprayed some special monster spray around her room that they really don't like and we said a prayer. After we finished our prayer I explained how lucky Iszie was that she has a big brother in heaven who knows and loves her and how Tacen would keep her safe! She looked at me with her sweet, innocent eyes and said, "Tacen loves me?" I said Tacen loves you very much sweetheart. She replied, "Tacen will help me feel better?" Me, "yes, he will!" You know I wouldn't wish losing a child on anyone and honestly if I could have Tacen here I would love to, but how many children get to know that they have a special big brother watching out for them? Not a lot! I think that's pretty lucky to know when you are scared or afraid you know that your brother Tacen is in heaven looking out for you too! It's a silver lining to some so hard as losing a child. But I love more than anything talking to our children about Tacen and them knowing how special he is in their lives!

Learning from Loss

If there is one thing I have learned along my journey of loss its that it teaches you things. I have learned that loss is hard! That its a struggle and a grieving process. It's not something you just get over. Its something you learn to live with and it can strike again at any moment. You have those moments where sadness and grief take over and I have learned that I need those moments. I need to take the moments to let the emotion out.
Yet, in all of this loss has taught me to slow down! That life is short and you are never guaranteed that tomorrow will be the same as today. It has taught me that my children are precious and special. It has taught me to appreciate my husband more. I am grateful for every day I have with them. I am not perfect. I'm a normal mother with normal frustrations and struggles, but loss has taught me that each moment is special. Each child of mine brings me light and joy into my life in a different way. It has taught me to hold on a little tighter, to love a little stronger and to not let the simple and special moments pass by! Tacen continues to remind me to stop and slow down!
Loss has taught me to appreciate the moments in my life. To appreciate pregnancy in all its glory and miracles because even when it can difficult there are those who want nothing more than to carry a child within their womb. To appreciate that through the ashes and struggles we can arise and be more!
Loss has taught me that everyone has struggles. Every struggle is hard for the person experiencing it and there is no need to compare! The struggles, the losses they make us stronger! I've never wanted loss to define me! I want to rise above just like my Tacen and say, "I think I can!" and then get up with a smile on my face and press on! Because I am learning and I am growing! I am trying to appreciate the simple moments. To stop and hold my children tightly, to love them fiercely and to feel gratitude in my life! So as someone who as experienced loss for me, please stop and enjoy those moments! Because even when something is hard I have a life to live and I am grateful to wake up in the morning and be here with the children and family I have been blessed with here on the earth! Its not going to get easier. Life isn't meant to be easy. Life is meant to help us grow! So I am going to keep on growing because loss won't define me! I won't let it!

Easter Season - HALLELUJAH

Throughout my life I was always aware and grateful for the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ! It gave me the blessings to knowing I could see those who had passed away.  It gave me hope for life after death. But after Tacen passed away it became more real.  I did a little math today and it's been 1241 days since Tacen passed away (almost 3.5 years). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. That I don't long for him to be here with us right now. Sometimes when I say 3.5 years it just doesn't sound as long as it feels, but today when I thought of 1241 days that felt more like how it feels to me. It's been a long time! I miss him!
Then Easter comes around and I am again reminded of the beautiful plan our Heavenly Father has for us! He laid out a perfect and wonderful plan for us to come to earth, grow, make mistakes, learn, repent and live our lives. Each of us would one day pass away and then we are promised resurrection! We are promised the chance to be with our loved ones again!

If you haven't watched this beautiful video you should! It describes how my heart feels! I am ever grateful for a loving Heavenly Father giving us this beautiful plan and our brother, Jesus Christ being so loving and willing to not only atone for our sins, but our hardships, heartaches and pains and then to die on the cross and rise again so that we might as well! I will be with my son again. I will hold him really tight! I'll hug him and kiss him and probably won't let him go! He's mine not just for the short 28 months we had him here, but forever! He will live again one day and he'll be perfect! He won't have the physical challenges he faced here! He'll be perfect and it will be glorious! This Easter season I hope you can feel the hope it brings into all of our lives! He can take away sorrows! Hallelujah!

Playing with their brother

 Friday (2.19.16) we ran to the store for some milk and I decided to stop by the cemetery! We've taken to calling it Tacen's special place. We talked about how there were many people who had special places here and it was all the people who were in heaven and couldn't be here with us any more. This seems to really make sense for Daxon and I love it. As soon as we got there the kids started playing on his headstone! At first I wasn't sure how to react! The longer I thought about it I loved it. I loved that they were "playing" in the only way they can right now with their brother. I worried it might seem disrespectful, but its ours! We chose that headstone, we paid for it and he's our son and their brother. So if climbing on it makes them happy while we visit its a ok in my book! I loved this simple little moment where they had the chance to play with their brother! We sure miss you Tacen! Always and forever until we get to see you again! We Love You!

All Together For A Moment

Last night we watched a few videos of Tacen which I always love to do! I just love to see him alive! Then last night he was running through my dreams (literally he was running in them and was just in them). I don't get to dream about Tacen nearly often enough! I wish that he was in my dreams every night. I've thought a lot lately and last night as the watched the video how I wish so badly I could see him for just one moment. That I could hold him! Kiss his face! Smell his scent! Just take it all in one more time for a brief moment! I long for this so much! As I awoke this morning after having dreamt about him last night it was as if my family, Cade and our 3 children and myself had all been together for the night! It was real enough that I felt like I had been with him! Which I love so much. It filled that small void for a moment to make me feel like our family had been together! Oh how I long for that day and look forward to it with more excitement than I can explain! Until them my sweet boy! I miss you! Thanks for running through my dreams last night!

Here's a couple of the videos we watch last night! Iszella especially loved these two! She even said, "Tace!" So glad my kids have the opportunity to know their brother and that we have pictures and videos of him for them to see!

Words of Comfort

As I continue to wade through my own journey of grief I have found comfort in these words recently. I've learned it's not something you get over, its something that becomes a part of you!  Each of these have touched me. They've strengthened me in my journey.

"The birth and death of Jesus Christ are so much more meaningful to me now, and I worship Him for His gifts of Atonement and Resurrection. Relying on the strength of the Lord and feeling His love has filled me with faith and blessed me with hope. At times when sorrow seems unbearable, He helps me bear the burden. His love came as an unexpected gift, and it continues to bless me in the most wonderful ways." "Sustained by God's Love" July 2015 Ensign

I can testify of this same feeling. Especially in the days and months just following Tacen's death I know that I got through those most difficult moments because of my Savior. He gave me the strength when I knew I didn't have it within myself. I still have moments when I feel saddened knowing Tacen is not here with us and I know my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ are what help me to let go of those feelings.

"Joshua 1:9 -  Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for theLord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

I hear this recently at a sacrament meeting where the speaker spoke of his older son passing away and I loved it!

"The death of a loved one may come unexpectedly. It is the witness from the Holy Ghost of the reality of a loving Heavenly Father and a resurrected Savior that gives us hope and comfort at the loss of a loved one. That testimony must be fresh when death occurs." Pres Eyring Oct 2015 General Conference 

I can also attest of the light, hope and strength I found in the knowledge the Church of Jesus Christ offers. My testimony carried me through. Knowing that I can see Tacen again is something I hold dear. Its something I need in my life. I need to know I can be with him and I can't wait!

While in sacarment meeting we sung this song and tears came to my eyes as I envisioned this beautiful picture in my mind of my sorrows and grief being gone, my purest joy and desire of being with Tacen again and having my family all together being fulfilled. What a beautiful image! A day when our Savior will reign on the earth and all will be perfect! I look forward to this day.

Hymn # 124 "Be Still, My Soul" verse 3 Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on When we shall be forever with Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Tacen's My Brother

We were given this darling block when Tacen passed away! I love it. We've had it out, but I moved things around the the other day and Daxon came out to find it. He pointed to it and said, "Mom I want that in my room!" I asked if he meant this picture with Tacen. He said yes. So we took it into his room and he has it in there. This boy knows and loves his brother in a way that I worried wouldn't be possible! I was so concerned when Tacen passed away that he would be forgotten. How I would I teach his siblings about him? I have been amazed how natural it has been to teach them about Tacen. If asked Daxon will tell you that Tacen is his brother. He is in heaven and he lives with Jesus! His faith and confidence in this knowledge strengthens me! He loves looking at pictures or watching videos of Tacen. He talks of him often. I know he knows him and I know his misses him! We sure love Tacen and I am so happy his brother does too! 

Along with this, Daxon has another picture of Tacen in his room. One of the few pictures we have of Tacen and Daxon together in the laundry bin. We were in Iszella's room and he said to me, "Mom, where is Tacen?" He noticed there wasn't a picture of Tacen in her room. I guess we'll let her decide as she grows up if she wants a picture of Tacen in her room. But Daxon noticed and it was so sweet! 

Song of My Heart

Yesterday at church, during sacrament meeting, we were singing the song "I Believe in Christ" hymn #134. As I sung and listened to the words I was struck with the power and meaning and tears came to my eyes. The words of the fourth verse are:

I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!
From him I'll gain my fondest dream;
And while I strive through grief and pain,
His voice is heard: "Ye shall obtain."
I believe in Christ; so come what may,
With him I'll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again
To rule among the sons of men.

So much of this song speaks to me. I thought of the words "From him I'll gain my fondest dream." My fondest and most desired dream is to by with my family forever. Along with this comes the hope and desire to be with Tacen again! Because of Jesus Christ, this will one day happen. I will be with Tacen again!
The next part reads, "And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'" I have felt to a very small extent how I have been able pass through my grief and pain of losing Tacen and I have been able to press forward.  I owe this a loving Savior, who has carried me through the days I couldn't get through on my own.
I love the next part, "I believe in Christ; so come what may." I know that through Christ I can do anything. I can do hard things. I have done hard things and I continue to do hard things. That is a lesson I have learned over the past almost 3 years!
Finally, I loved the last part, "With him I'll stand in that great day.  When on this earth he comes again to rule among the songs of men." Can you imagine what a beautiful day this will be? The day when our Savior comes again to this earth. When we are under his perfect rule. I long for this day because I know it is then that I will be with Tacen again, but I also know that it will be beautiful. The awful parts of this world will be gone. We will live in happiness and joy!

This song really struck my heart strings yesterday and reminded me so much of all I've learned, of the testimony that I have of my Savior, Jesus Christ! The strength he provides! I've grown since the passing of our son Tacen. I continue to learn and grow. I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who strengthen me. I'm thankful to know that because of Him I will gain my fondest dream!

We All Face Challenges

I've been thinking over the past week or so about how we are all the same. Even though we all have vastly different experiences, we are so similar. Many of us have the same hopes and dreams for ourselves and families. Many of us are faced with challenges. Each is different. For some, like myself, they are faced with the loss of a child or loved one. Others long desperately to have a child, husband or family of their own despite many trials. Whether its that they can't have children of their own, or they simply have not found the person they wish to have a family with and spend their life together. Some struggle with the ability to have several children and each day is long and tiring. Some face difficult health challenges and diseases where the battle is real and they are fighting for their life and strength to overcome! Each of us in our own way is struggling with something.
Since the passing of Tacen I have tried to be more aware of those around me who are having their own individual struggles and think how I can reach out and help them. This is something I have to work at constantly. I'm not perfect, but I know those who reached out in love and concern during our difficult time brought me so much added strength and I know we each need this irregardless of what it is we are faced to overcome. We need each other. A smile, a simple gesture!
I just keep hoping we can look outside of ourselves and strengthen each other. I think so often of Tacen and how I need to be happy for him. I need to do all I can to make myself the best person. My journey in this life isn't over. Tacen's is, but mine is not. I still have more to experience and learn. I still have the ability to strive to make myself a better person. I don't want to waste the time I'm given! Life is short! Let's help each other! Let's see the good! Let's be more today!

Kindergarten

I've played back in forth in my mind to write something and today I just feel like it should write it out. My facebook and instagram has been filled with posts of children on their first day of school. Many of the babies born near Tacen are starting Kindergarten this year. I debated heavily about holding him back even when he was 2. I guess that's the teacher in me coming out. He was behind and I'm pretty certain I would have waited for him to start until next year. Yet, he would be 5! He very easily could have been having his first day of school! I would have been a hot mess I'm sure thinking about sending him into the world. I would have taken his first day of school picture! I would have gotten him new school clothes, a back pack and all the beginning of the year things. Then I would have sat home wondering how he was doing at school. Thinking about how he was doing and waiting anxiously to hear how his first day went. This is another one of the firsts that I am missing out on right now. I wish so much that I could post a picture of Tacen getting ready for school. It's crazy to me to even consider having a 5 year old. I can't even imagine what it would be like, but I as I watch all the cute little kids that were born in 2010 when he was it let's me peek into what he might have been like, what he will be like someday. I would have wondered if I'd taught him enough. If he would be kind to those around him, if they would be kind to him. If he'd make friends. To think of him coming home and telling me about his first day. I think about this often in my own way though. I didn't have enough time with him here. I didn't get to teach him everything I thought I would. I often wonder if I did enough. 28 months isn't long enough to teach someone. I wish I'd had 5 years until I sent him off. I wish he was here making our life crazier. But at least we are almost 3 years closer to seeing him again. Love you sweet boy! Missing you and wishing you were here to go to school and be a little boy with us now!

Mom, Tacen will come from the sky!

Monday evening for Family Home Evening we were talking about when Jesus Christ visited the Americas. We decided to play a portion from "The Testaments" movie. The last scene is when Jesus visits the Americas. Christ appears to them, blesses the children and heals the sick. After watching this we had a good discussion about the resurrection. We talked about how Jesus was resurrected, how when we pass away we will one day be resurrected and how Tacen will one day be resurrected. Today as we were out for our run Daxon was looking up at the sky and he said, "Mom Tacen will come from the sky!" It took me a second, but I soon realized that he was talking about how when Christ appeared to the Nephites he came from the sky and he knew Tacen would too. He then asked/told me later in the day, "Mom Tacen's my brother!"
I'm beyond grateful that we will one day be able to see Tacen again! I'm grateful that we are able to teach our children not only about our Savior and his resurrection, but also that our son and their brother will be resurrected too! This is a truth that has blessed my life each and every day since Tacen's passing. It meant so much to me to see Daxon understanding this too!

Avoiding Grief

Tacen's 5th birthday is next week. I have been avoiding feeling it. Thinking about it. Letting it take me over because I just didn't want to feel it. I have really struggled with his birthdays since his passing. They're by far the hardest for me. It's the day I most want to scream, "It's just NOT fair!!!" He's supposed to be here. He's supposed to be one year older just like all the other children around me. Just like all the other babies who were born around him who just turned 5 or will soon. But sometimes I feel like I'm doing well. I'm ok. I've found my groove, my sweet spot. I'm dealing with it, but I'm not letting it take me over. I'm not letting the grief, the pain, the sadness, the ache in. I'm not letting it in! Then for whatever reason it may be it finally sets in and I have to acknowledge that feeling and I have to cry. I have to let the pain and ache out and then I can better forward from that point.
I feel like for the most part since Tacen passed away I have been ok at recognizing when I need to let myself grieve, but every so often it creeps up on me. Just a few days ago I had a dream about Tacen. It was a really sacred dream for me. Really special. The part I loved most was when I got to see Tacen. I ran to him! I embraced him and I held him. He said to me, "mom I'm so sorry I couldn't stay!" I looked at him and I said, "Oh honey. It's ok!" Then I got to watch him walk. As I watched him walk, he walked like a normal little boy and my heart leapt for joy! Because the two things I want most of all is to see my sweet Tacen again and to have him be able to walk normally. To see him without his impairments and to see him being free to do as any other child! Oh how I didn't want to wake up from that dream! I wish I could have stayed in that moment just a little longer able to be with Tacen!
You see there's this part of me that's always missing now because Tacen isn't here. There's a piece of my heart that left that day he finished his earthly journey. A pieced I won't be able to retrieve until I can see him again. There's an ache. There's a longing. There's hopes and dreams left unfulfilled! Nothing can fill that void, that hole, that ache. A sweet friend told me at Tacen's viewing (who had also lost a child) that there will forever be a hole in your heart. With time the edges will soften, but the hole will never completely go away. I can attest to this. In just 2.5 years the hole has not gone away, but the edges have begun to soften.
The little things like the smell of his sweaty head after naps, his sweet kisses on my lips before bed, his snuggles after his naps, his persistence and determination to get his way, his love and affinity for all things water, his voice, are just a few of the things that have created that hole. The small things that I took for granted while he was here are the things I miss the most now that he's gone. He's apart of me. Apart of our family and he's missing. That leaves a mark. He left a mark on us. I'm so grateful that he did. That he's mine, but boy do I miss him!

Comforting Words

We recently had the chance in our church to listen to General Conference. This is a time when our leaders speak to us.  There were many great and wonderful talks! I look forward to being able to go back and read through them and learn more, but there were two that stuck out to me and I wanted to share a few and how they related to me and our loss of sweet Tacen.

The first talk was given by President Henry B. Eyring first counselor in the first presidency.  He was speaking of a family who had lost a 5 year old boy and he said:

"The father and the mother of the little boy bore witness of the Savior that evening in my living room. The Holy Ghost came, and all were comforted. The parents were strengthened. The burden of grief did not disappear, but they were made able to bear the sorrow. Their faith increased. And their strength will continue to grow as they ask for it and live for it."

I have been there and I know the feeling of having my faith increased. I know that the burden of grieving has never gone away, but I have been made able to bear it!

He goes on to say:

"I saw this miracle of comfort as I arrived outside the chapel where the funeral of the little boy was to be held. I was stopped by a lovely young woman I did not recognize. She said that she was coming to the funeral to mourn and to give comfort if she could.

She said that she had come to the funeral in part for comfort for herself. She told me that her first child had died recently. She was carrying in her arms a beautiful little girl. I leaned toward her to look into the little girl’s smiling face. I asked the baby’s mother, “What is her name?” Her quick and cheerful answer was “Her name is Joy. Joy always comes after sorrow.”"

I have again seen this in my life. I miss Tacen and always will, but we have been so blessed and had so much joy in our lives since he passed away. Having Daxon and Iszella brings me more joy than I can describe! They truly are part of our joy after our sorrow! We have been blessed throughout this journey of losing Tacen by our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. They have carried me through and continue to do so when I think I can not carry myself!

The other talk that really touched me was that of Elder Andersen's "Thy Kingdom Come"

"Our faith grows as we anticipate the glorious day of the Savior’s return to the earth. The thought of His coming stirs my soul. It will be breathtaking! The scope and grandeur, the vastness and magnificence, will exceed anything mortal eyes have ever seen or experienced.

In that day He will not come “wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger,”²³ but He will appear “in the clouds of heaven, clothed with power and great glory; with all the holy angels.”²⁴ We will hear “the voice of the archangel, and … the trump of God.”²⁵ The sun and the moon will be transformed, and “stars [will] be hurled from their places.”²⁶ You and I, or those who follow us, “the saints … from [every quarter] of the earth,”²⁷ “shall be quickened and … caught up to meet him,”²⁸  and those who have died in righteousness, they too will “be caught up to meet him in the midst … of heaven.”²⁹

Then, a seemingly impossible experience: “All flesh,” the Lord says, “shall see me together.”³⁰ How will it happen? We do not know. But I testify it will happen—exactly as prophesied. We will kneel in reverence, “and the Lord shall utter his voice, and all the ends of the earth shall hear it.”³¹ “It shall be … as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder.”³² “[Then] the Lord, … the Savior, shall stand in the midst of his people.”³³

There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth.³⁴ But most important, as Isaiah declares, “All the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God,”³⁵ and He “shall reign over all flesh.”^36"

I often find myself dreaming about the second coming and what it will be like. What it will be like for our Savior to reign on the earth. For the peace he will bring and for the chance to see my sweet Tacen again. I love the picture that Elder Andersen paints in my mind "There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth!" Oh my glorious that will be! I can not wait! I am so thankful for the living prophets on the earth that lead and guide our church today. They strengthen me! I could not have survived losing a child without my faith and testimony of this gospel restored on the earth today! It makes me a better person. It strengthens me! It helps me to be so much more than I could be on my own!

Keeping Me Grounded

I have a picture of Tacen as the background on my phone. Often when I'm scrolling between apps or screens I'll stop and look at it. Its amazing how that boy can help me to remember what's really important. If I'm having a hard day, in a bad mood or feeling frustrated with my children, I can look at his sweet, smiling face and it helps me reevaluate. It helps me to slow down and take a second. His pictures help me to remember that I want to be the best me I can. That I want to try my hardest so someday I can be with him again. I love knowing that he's watching out for me and cheering me on to do my best. I love seeing his sweet face in the pictures I have not only on my phone but hanging throughout our home. I am unbelievable grateful for the technology of pictures and movies so I can keep my sweet boy alive in my mind, heart and life! I am thankful for the way he keeps me grounded! Tacen made me a mother, he helped me to grow and learn and he continues to make me a better person! I'm so thankful I get to be his mother! I love you sweet boy!