Happy 12th Birthday

 Happy 12th birthday to my sweet boy, the one who made me a mother 12 years ago. This year would have been a big one, you would have started young men's and being going with dad to deacon's quorum, you would have had the chance to go to the temple for the first time. You would have finished elementary school and been headed to Jr High. So many changes would have been happening and you would be turning into a young man! Instead we think of you as our sweet 2 year old boy who we wait to be united with again some day! We talk of you often. Lula May has had an extra affinity for talking of you lately and missing you. She often vocalizes how she wishes you were here. I feel you have been near her lately for her to feel so strongly of you over the last 6-12 months.  Normally on your birthday we fill the day with cars movies, water activities, rice and cake and of course sending balloons. However, this year we get to spend the day with the Kowallis Family. Hayden is going through the temple in preparation to leave on his mission and I think this will also be a wonderful way to celebrate you and your special day. Being in the temple has been the place I feel you nearest most often. So we will just extend celebrating you for several days and do extra water days and more. 

Over this last year we added our last baby to our family and your baby brother. I have pondered often that if you had still been here with us I am not sure we would have had Tyg. I don't know that I would have been able to handle 6 kids here and things would have been different. I see you in Tyg. I see similarities and he reminds me of you sometimes. I know God's hand has been in our life and in our family. I know this was His plan for our family and for you and I trust and have faith that we are 9.5 years closer to being with you again. We love you so much sweet boy. We all miss you and wish often that you were here. Dad and I talk about how things might look different, but mostly we live in the glory of where you are and working each day to be better so we can be with you again some day. You are so loved and so missed! Keep watching over us Tace! We love you

Love, Mom

6 Years

Dearest Tacen

It's been 6 years today since we said good-bye for now! My how we miss you sweet boy! Its days like this I find myself thinking about and wondering what it would be like if you were still here with us! I long to see those blue eyes and hold your chubby hands! As time goes on being able to deal with your absence changes. Its not as harsh and piercing, but I still have moments where it hits be and knocks the breath out of me! When the longing strikes extra and I just wish to be with you.
I'm forever grateful for Daxon, Iszella and Lula May who remind me of you often! Daxon has recently begun praying and saying "Bless Tacen!" Iszella prays often that Tacen, Lori and Jesus will come back soon! She asks often where you are! She talks of before you were all in my belly and how she was in heaven with Tacen and Daxon! Lula May will catch a glimpse of one of your pictures on the wall and smile really big and point! They all know and love you. It's so important to me that you know you are never forgotten!
Yesterday at sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Each Life that Touches Ours For Good," and this part really stuck out and touched me as I thought of the fact that today would be your six year angleversary!

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory
Bringing, us nearer, Lord, to thee.

Tacen you are my goal right now. I want to be better. I want to do better, so that I can be with you again some day! You push me to try harder. You help me remember how precious life is and how things can change on a dime. You ground me and help me to be more patient with your brother and sisters! I want nothing more than when I've completed my time on this earth to see you, to wrap you in a big hug and potentially NEVER let go! I often feel you near and know that you are watching over us! If we can't have you here with us right now I'm so very thankful to know you are our own guardian angel! I love you so much my sweet boy! Thanks for listening and sending me not one, but two red headed sisters! Daxon has been praying for a baby brother for about a year now. So when we get ready to have another sibling would you send him a brother? He'd love nothing more than to have a brother here. I wish so badly you were here with him. He's the best big brother to your sisters and I know its the role he was meant to play, but oh how I long for you to be here and be his big brother! I know you are near often. I know you are still the big brother in our family even if you are not here, but its not the same. Sometimes I think about how our lives might be more chaotic and crazy if you were here, but wouldn't it be fun!?
We are thinking of you not only today, but always! Please never forget how much we love you! It's been 6 years and sometimes I can't believe its been that long and sometimes it feels like forever since I hugged and held you in my arms! We are 6 years closer to seeing you! I can't wait for that day, I love you so much sweet boy!

Love,
Mom