10 Years

It's been 10 years since we said goodbye for now to our Tacen. I'll always remember how long and hard those first days and months were. How I couldn't even imagine making it to 10 years and now here we are. Time continues to pass by. It's a thief that way. The days tend to still feel long, but the years are getting shorter and shorter. Our house is full, our days are full and our family complete, but we always feel Tacen's lacking. The hole he left behind. The way we miss him and wish he was here with us. I feel him and know He's on the Lord's errand for now. I often wish I could take a peek and see what it is he fills his days with. What time looks like for him on the other side. Oh what longing I have to be with him again. I try to wait patiently (although I've never been great at patience) for the time when we will see him again. I try to continue to improve being the mother our children need and also improving so I can be with him again. Tacen you are the mark buddy, the one we all can't wait to be reunited with some day. I see you in your siblings at different times and I am thankful for their reminders of you. 

I've thought of you often as we draw near to a date I never thought I'd have to track. The one that tells me how long it's been since your passing. I think of you a little more. My heart feels a little extra tender to your missing presence. I always add you into our family pictures and lately it's been Lula who asks if you were there with us when we took that picture. Although I know you are near more often than I even realize I have to explain how you weren't here in person. Oh how I wish you were. We are one year closer to seeing you again my sweet boy, one year closer to holding you in my arms. Stay near please sweet boy. Watch over us. Help us when we need it most. I love you Tacen! 

9 Years

As I have been pondering Tacen and the fact he's been gone 9 years, it brought to mind a lesson I've been learning since earlier this year. When Tacen passed away it was easy for me to say we didn't get our miracle, but we could see the Lord's hand. We understood and knew His will for both Tacen and our family. We knew it was Tacen's time to go and we know where he is. My dear friend Jen whose sweet husband passed away 1.5 years ago taught me an important lesson. I was talking with her about this and she taught me of their miracle. It got me thinking and reflecting. Some of our miracles with Tacen were he started have his "regressions" at 13 months and we had him with us until 28 months. We had our week in the hospital which was a very sacred time for our family, one where I was able to come to acceptance. Since that time we have been blessed innumerably with special and spiritual experiences with Tacen.

Then I got to reflecting on our life and family. It's hard to know what would have been, but I don't know if we would have had Iszella so quickly. She and Daxon have always been so close and their relationship might have looked different. We likely would have stopped having children after Lula May. 2 boys, 2 girls, the perfect combination. But then we added Lucille, who is such a light and blessing and felt prompted and guided that one more spirit NEEDED to come to our family, this sweet little baby boy I am carrying now. This is not the path I would have chosen for myself in so many ways, but it is the path that was meant to be. The one that is right for our family.  I couldn't trade Tacen for Lucille and this baby. In ways losing Tacen has helped my heart to grow and in the growing it has helped my own heart to heal which was what I needed in my personal journey. 

We also discuss often of the many things we have learned through the experience of losing our son. The ways it has helped me to grow. The testimony it gave me of my Savior. He was never more tangible and real for me than those days leading up to Tacen's passing and also the days and months following. While we often have said we wished we could have learned these things in another way, that wasn't our path and I am grateful for my own personal learning and growth. 

So as I reflect on the 9 years without my sweet boy. The longing I always have to have him here with us, I also reflect on all I've learned because of him. On how my life has been so blessed by being his mother. On how I am a better person for the experiences I've had that directly relate to my sweet boy. I am forever grateful for you Tacen! You bring light into my life. I look forward with so much joy to seeing you again some day. I love thinking of you being with your baby brother right now and wish so badly I could hug you one more time. Sending all my love and 9 years closer to seeing those piercing blue eyes and getting one of your hugs! 

8 Years - Tacen

  Its been 8 years since our sweet boy returned home and now we are 8 years closer! I've been thinking lately about how life looks so different than it did 8 years ago. We were in Optometry school. Just in our second year. We had just had our second child. We were in our 20's! My days looked so different than they do now. I spent most of my days following around 2 busy boys. Lots of hot wheels cars and mud and water! Sleepy snuggles and a screaming baby. Now we have been out of school for 5.5 years! We own our own home, have 3 more children. 2 in school full day which brings its own added busyness. 2 little girls at home. A crazy busy, slightly emotional 3 year old and a 10 month old baby girl. It seems often like life with Tacen was another lifetime! 

I was adding him into some family pictures we had taken recently and looking at home. When he passed away he was just under 3 ft tall. Shorter than Lula May is now. It's strange that he is smaller than 3 of our 4  children still here. It's strange to think he should be 10, but it is eternally frozen as a 2 year old for me right now. I find myself wondering what he would be like each time one of these anniversaries passes me by. We still talk of him often! You are so missed sweet boy. You are always remembered and never forgotten. We are ever grateful to know you are watching over us until we can be together again. We are still trying to do our best so we can be reunited. Love you so much sweet boy! 8 Years Closer! 

7 years

I remember vividly when Tacen passed away wondering how I could make it through the days ahead without him. How could I make it 7 days, let alone 7 months or 7 years??? It feels to me now that each year is a milestone of sorts! My grief is different now than it was those first few years. I still miss my sweet boy like crazy, but it hits me in waves sometimes unsuspecting and sometimes right on cue! However, it's not so all consuming as it once was. I'm not sure if that is time or if it has something to do with life moving forward. We have 2 more kids and another one to come in 7 weeks or so! Life is busy and crazy and I love it that way, but I don't have the time to sit and think about Tacen like I did after he passed away and it was just me and Dax home all day.
Now I think of him in different ways. Like when our kids bring him up and we talk about how they miss him and wish he could be here. When Daxon is frustrated with his sisters playing something he doesn't want and he says in frustration, "mom I just wish Tacen were here! Then we could play cars!" When Lula May looks at a picture where I have superimposed Tacen to be in it with our family and she says, "Tacen" as she points to him and it's almost a surprise that he would be in the picture with us. When Iszella asks in innocence "mom when will Tacen come back? I miss him!" I long to have all the answers to these sweet questions. I long for Daxon to have his brother here with him!
When I think of how he would be 9! How has that much time passed that we should have a 9 year old!? Yet I can't picture him being 9. I try to picture what he would look like, but he's frozen in time as that precious little 2.5 year old boy of mine. I wonder how he would have grown and changed. I wonder what his interests would be. I wonder a lot, but most of these questions will go unanswered for now.
But then I have those sweet moments like thinking of Tacen being with our sweet daughter as she awaits to join our family. I like to hope he is telling her good things about our family and us as parents. I like to think he is enjoying spending sometime with her before they will be separated for a time.
I know our sweet Tacen watches over us and I am ever grateful to know that our own guardian angel has so much of a vested interest in our family. I feel his love for us and I pray often that he will know of our love for him.
As life continues I think of the joy and happiness I still have in my life. I think about how life is not easy, but honestly how it wasn't mean to be. Yet, I have found joy and happiness just as I know Tacen would want me to. He found so much joy in the little things and we won't know in this life just how much pain he was in or exactly what his struggles were like, but I am sure there was some of that. Yet he found joy and we can too!
I miss my sweet boy. I always will! But I have seen how time changes and softens things. Thankfully the pain isn't so raw, the edges not so sharp and I'm here to say that anyone wading through the trenches of grief you can do this! It doesn't get easier but you get more used to it. Its edges soften and it can be less stark and all encompassing! Grief is a journey one you don't ever really figure out, but I have learned to embrace the journey. Give into the moments where I need to cry and even push it aside when it feels like too much for that moment. I have learned so much from my sweet boy and I will ever be grateful for his life, his example and the blessing of having him as my son. 7 years closer to seeing you again Tacer Racer! I love you!

6 Years

Dearest Tacen

It's been 6 years today since we said good-bye for now! My how we miss you sweet boy! Its days like this I find myself thinking about and wondering what it would be like if you were still here with us! I long to see those blue eyes and hold your chubby hands! As time goes on being able to deal with your absence changes. Its not as harsh and piercing, but I still have moments where it hits be and knocks the breath out of me! When the longing strikes extra and I just wish to be with you.
I'm forever grateful for Daxon, Iszella and Lula May who remind me of you often! Daxon has recently begun praying and saying "Bless Tacen!" Iszella prays often that Tacen, Lori and Jesus will come back soon! She asks often where you are! She talks of before you were all in my belly and how she was in heaven with Tacen and Daxon! Lula May will catch a glimpse of one of your pictures on the wall and smile really big and point! They all know and love you. It's so important to me that you know you are never forgotten!
Yesterday at sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Each Life that Touches Ours For Good," and this part really stuck out and touched me as I thought of the fact that today would be your six year angleversary!

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory
Bringing, us nearer, Lord, to thee.

Tacen you are my goal right now. I want to be better. I want to do better, so that I can be with you again some day! You push me to try harder. You help me remember how precious life is and how things can change on a dime. You ground me and help me to be more patient with your brother and sisters! I want nothing more than when I've completed my time on this earth to see you, to wrap you in a big hug and potentially NEVER let go! I often feel you near and know that you are watching over us! If we can't have you here with us right now I'm so very thankful to know you are our own guardian angel! I love you so much my sweet boy! Thanks for listening and sending me not one, but two red headed sisters! Daxon has been praying for a baby brother for about a year now. So when we get ready to have another sibling would you send him a brother? He'd love nothing more than to have a brother here. I wish so badly you were here with him. He's the best big brother to your sisters and I know its the role he was meant to play, but oh how I long for you to be here and be his big brother! I know you are near often. I know you are still the big brother in our family even if you are not here, but its not the same. Sometimes I think about how our lives might be more chaotic and crazy if you were here, but wouldn't it be fun!?
We are thinking of you not only today, but always! Please never forget how much we love you! It's been 6 years and sometimes I can't believe its been that long and sometimes it feels like forever since I hugged and held you in my arms! We are 6 years closer to seeing you! I can't wait for that day, I love you so much sweet boy!

Love,
Mom

5 Years

Dear Tacen

Its been 5 years since I saw your sweet face! 5 years since I kissed those cheeks, smelled your sweaty head after naps, watched you play with cars for hours. 5 years since I heard you ask for your baba and kankey (blankey) dots up ready for snuggles and milk! 5 years where there's a little piece of me missing because you are gone. 5 years too long! 5 years since you were here with us! My sweet boy I sure miss you! I'd love nothing more than to see those bright blue eyes, give you a big hug and have you here with us.
I know sweet boy you are near us more more often than not. We feel you watching over us and we love you so for it. I feel blessed to have our own guardian angel.  Someone who knows and loves us.
Iszella has been talking about you a lot lately! She knows you are her brother and that you are in heaven with Jesus. She asks quite often how she is going to be able to get you down from heaven so you can be with us or when you will come back.
Daxon saw a picture of our family where I super imposed you in with us and Daxon said, "mom Tacen came down! Did Tacen come down?" They love you so much! They are doing their best to understand why you can't be here right now and they long for the day that you'll be back with us just like your dad and I do!
I found myself over the last couple weeks as I often do wondering what you would be like now. I wonder who your friends would be, what your disposition would be like. What would you like to do? What would you have dressed up like for Halloween? Would your hair be dark like Cade's? So many things left unknown.
I wish so much that I could just see you and be with you for just one more minute! I wish for nothing more. I sometimes have dreams with you in and I wake with a big smile on my face knowing that for those brief moments I got to be with you in the closet way possible right now.
I hope you know that we love you so much. We wish so much that you could be here with us still, but we know where you are and we know that you are doing what you need to be doing right now. I can't wait to be back all together someday. I'm glad to know that are 5 years closer to seeing you! I'm thankful that you are part of our family. I'm thankful to have such a perfect boy as my son! You are such an incredible example to me and I love you so much!
All my love!
Mom

3 Years...

3 Years ago today we said goodbye (for now) to our sweet Tacen. I can't believe it's been 3 years and then again it feels like so much longer than that! During this time of year I can't help but reflect on those final days. A few things that come to mind. We had been in Utah for my Grandpa Knight's funeral and when we flew to meet Cade I remember how thrilled Tacen was to see Cade. He just clung to him. There is an image burned in my memory of those two hugging.  I remember the fun we had in Ft. Worth Texas. The time spent swimming in the pool with Tacen laughing so hard. Going to the stalk yard and him seeing the animals. Feeling and knowing that a regression was coming, but having no idea what was ahead of us.
I remember the last day we had him at home with us. He spent the majority of the day sitting on the couch watching Curious George. I remember sitting by him and wishing and hoping so badly that we could fix his walking problems. All the while waiting to hear back from Dr. Fulton (our neurologist).
I remember taking him in for a direct admit and leaving he and Cade at the hospital that night, not knowing that just a week later he wouldn't be with us any longer!
I remember feeling so torn between taking care of Daxon and being there for Tacen. I knew Daxon couldn't handle staying at the hospital 24 hrs a day so I had to go home at night for him to sleep. He wouldn't take a bottle and so I had to be there to feed him.  It seemed that each night something went down hill and things worsened. It was so hard for me to feel so torn between my two sons. Wishing I could be there for both of them, but knowing it wasn't possible!
I remember as things worsened really feeling comforted and that I knew it would be ok. I remember a blessing my father gave me blessing me that Tacen would be healed. As time went on I knew that the realization of that blessing wasn't what I had hoped for. Tacen wouldn't be healed here in this life, but he is now healed. I know he is whole and perfect and without pain!
I remember coming to the realization that Heavenly Father could perform a miracle. We knew all along it was possible, but that if He wasn't going to do so we were ready to let our little boy go. I remember that was the hardest decision I've ever had to make or hope to make. I remember our sweet Bishop and wonderful friend Vince Longshore advising us that we need to let Tacen know. Those little spirits are strong and will fight. We had been asking Tacen to fight and stay with us and I know he was!
I remember just sitting with him and holding him. I remember singing him I Am A Child Of God for the last night. I remember sitting there holding him with Cade as he passed on to the other side.
This is not a trial I would wish upon anyone.  My heart will forever have a hole in it that will only be filled by our reunion some day. But as a sweet friend advised us the edges do soften. You get more used to it. I have grown! I have learned! I hope that I am better! I can do hard things! I remember feeling like I couldn't imagine how I could make it through a day, a week, a month or a year without our sweet boy. I've made it 3 years and we are 3 years closer to seeing Tacen again! I'll always miss him! I love you my sweet boy!