Happy Birthday Tacen - 14 Years

 Dear Tacen,

Happy birthday sweet boy! You'd be 14 today. How is that possible? All I can imagine is your sweet 2 year old face! I was thinking this morning about when you were born. That day we had a doctors appointment like many ones before and I wasn't too hopeful you'd come. You were stubborn from the start. Little did  I know that evening you'd be born. What a blessing. Not long after you were born fireworks went off outside our hospital room. The world knew you'd be a light from the start!

We are getting ready to head on vacation so your birthday looks a little different today as we get packed and ready to go. But don't worry Cars movies will be played, water will happen at some point and we are having rice with dinner. I opted for sugar cookies this year instead of cupcakes. 

We've been talking about how you could have gone to FSY this year. We always wonder what your interests would be. I wish so badly we could see you today as a 14 year old. Oh how fun it would be to have you here with us! But I know you were meant for big things on the other side. I also often wish I could peak into the heavens for a small moments and see the wonders you've seen or the things you are doing! I look forward to that day, the day we'll see you again!

You continue to teach us so much. I see the way our kids know about the resurrection and look forward to the second coming and it brings me joy that they have a much better, deeper understanding than I did as a child. They all love you so much and wish you could be here too. Lula May especially is often saying how it's taking so long for you to come back when Jesus does. She just knows you'd be her buddy and I'm sure you just might be. 

Since having Tyg I catch glimpses of you in him. He loves cars, trucks and trains. Maybe not quite as much as you did, but he loves them. He loves the mow mows just like you and anything with wheels and motor. It's been so healing to having another little boy especially after so long. I've loved watching it all again. Tyg is older than you were when you passed away. It's crazy to me how that has happened. Now all of our  children are older than you were. Your life felt so short and yet longer than time is passing now. I'm so thankful for the short time we got have you here and all you taught us. We just love you so much. We all miss you! 

Thanks for being our son. Thanks for being in our family. We are so grateful for eternal families and temple blessings and the promises of our reunion in a future day and time! I hold on to that with all I have. I love you so much sweet boy. Keep watching over us. Be close when you can. Above all always know we love and miss you!

Happy birthday sweet boy. Eat some cake in heaven and catch your balloons when we send the your way!

Love,

Mom

Happy 12th Birthday

 Happy 12th birthday to my sweet boy, the one who made me a mother 12 years ago. This year would have been a big one, you would have started young men's and being going with dad to deacon's quorum, you would have had the chance to go to the temple for the first time. You would have finished elementary school and been headed to Jr High. So many changes would have been happening and you would be turning into a young man! Instead we think of you as our sweet 2 year old boy who we wait to be united with again some day! We talk of you often. Lula May has had an extra affinity for talking of you lately and missing you. She often vocalizes how she wishes you were here. I feel you have been near her lately for her to feel so strongly of you over the last 6-12 months.  Normally on your birthday we fill the day with cars movies, water activities, rice and cake and of course sending balloons. However, this year we get to spend the day with the Kowallis Family. Hayden is going through the temple in preparation to leave on his mission and I think this will also be a wonderful way to celebrate you and your special day. Being in the temple has been the place I feel you nearest most often. So we will just extend celebrating you for several days and do extra water days and more. 

Over this last year we added our last baby to our family and your baby brother. I have pondered often that if you had still been here with us I am not sure we would have had Tyg. I don't know that I would have been able to handle 6 kids here and things would have been different. I see you in Tyg. I see similarities and he reminds me of you sometimes. I know God's hand has been in our life and in our family. I know this was His plan for our family and for you and I trust and have faith that we are 9.5 years closer to being with you again. We love you so much sweet boy. We all miss you and wish often that you were here. Dad and I talk about how things might look different, but mostly we live in the glory of where you are and working each day to be better so we can be with you again some day. You are so loved and so missed! Keep watching over us Tace! We love you

Love, Mom

Happy 8th Birthday

Dearest Tacen

The last few months your absence has been continually very apparent for me. As I've seen the kids born near you getting baptized I've thought of you and noticed your absence. As grandkid events have come and gone I've thought about how you should be here and where you would fall. As Daxon prays daily for a baby brother I think about how you should be here and how he has a brother! I find myself thinking of you often and wishing so much you were here. You are always missed and NEVER forgotten!
It's so crazy to be that we should have been planning your baptism this weekend. I know where you are and I know you would have chosen to make this commitment in your life. I wish that we could see you dressed in white with your father and gone down into the baptismal font to be baptized! I wish that we could plan a program and make it such a special day! I wish we could celebrate this milestone in your life instead of wishing for it.
The other day Lula May was pointing to your baby picture we have on the wall in the dining room and Dad made the comment that she was the last one to see you! I often find myself wondering what you would be like at 8! What would your interests be. Who would your friends be? How would our family dynamic be different with you still here? How would that change the sibling relations or would the be different at all? So many questions I won't have answered in this life time and so many things I wish you could be here for!
Iszella prayed the other night that you could come back and then followed it up with, "Mom when will Tacen come back?" I said honey some day we'll see Tacen again, but I don't know when that will be. Her response was, but what day? How many days until then? I can't tell you how much I wish that I had an exact date to count down to! How much I wish that I knew exactly when I could hold you in my arms again!
Grief has away of sneaking up on me. We go through the year and I always think I've got it under control. I think that I know what to expect and yet it always sneaks up on me. It always seems about March I really started to realize that your birthday is coming. I start thinking about how you should be turning a year older and I see the kids who I remember being born when I was still pregnant with you. I see what they are doing and how they are growing and I ache for you! I ache to be experiencing all those things with you! Then as we hit your birthday it really strikes and I just wish you could be here to be hitting this milestones! I wish you could be with us right now!
Instead though we take July 2nd each year and we celebrate you! We talk with your brother and sisters about your favorite things. We find time to go and play in the water because that was always your favorite! We eat rice and cake. We talk about how you hated frosting and you really only loved the cake part! We let off balloons each year (8 this year) and we remember you! We hold you close buddy! We talk about you often! We are so thankful to know where you are, we are so thankful to have you watching over us! We long for the day we'll all be together again, but until then this day is yours! We love you sweet boy! Keep lighting up our lives from where you are and know how much we love you!
Happy birthday my sweet boy! I'll never stop missing or loving you!

Love,
Mom

Happy 5th Birthday

Dear Tacen

You would be 5 years old today if you were still here with us! I can't even begin to imagine how things would be. There's a chance you'd be getting ready for Kindergarten although I think we would have let you wait a year before going. You'd probably know your abc's and numbers. I'm sure you'd know how to spell your name and you'd be talking up a storm.
I often like to think about how things would be for you and Daxon. I think you would have been the best of friends although I'm not naive enough to believe you wouldn't have had plenty of arguments too! Daxon misses you. We have tried hard to teach him about you and I think we are doing a pretty ok job. He talks about you often and recognizes you in pictures and videos. He even asks for videos of you sometimes.  He doesn't quite understand yet where you are, but we are trying to teach him about that too. He knows you are in Heaven with Jesus and Heavenly Father, but he'd like for Jesus to come drop you off!
Iszella can't talk yet, but she always gets a big smile on her face when she sees a picture of you. I know she knows who you are and I'm a little jealous that it's only been a year for her since she was with you!
Daddy and I think about you every single day. We miss you like crazy. We talk about you often. You are still a very important part of our family and that will NEVER change!
I wish so badly that you were here today to celebrate your birthday with us. I wish you were turning 5 years old and you could tell me how big you are getting! I wish so much for you to be here on your birthday. This day is the day I miss you the most!
I still remember the day you were born. We had waited for you! You were stubborn and made us wait until 2 days before you due date. I remember when I was in labor and your head crowned. Daddy could see it and told me how you had a head of dark brown hair! I remember holding you on my chest and trying to take it all in. You were fresh from heaven and so very precious to us! I remember you chubby hands and thighs you were solid from the start.
I also vividly remember the 2 birthdays we got to spend with you. Those were such wonderful days of celebrating you! I wish we had gotten more.
You're not here with us anymore, but we still celebrate you! We are one year closer to getting to see you again! We will celebrate you by playing in the water! That was one of your favorites which is perfect for a July birthday!  I hope we feel you close today. I know you're never very far! I sure miss you my sweet boy! I know you know that, but I never want you to forget how much we love you! I hope you are doing something special in heaven perhaps like Aunt LuAnn suggested you are having angel food cake! I look forward to the day we'll see you again! I wish it was sooner rather than later, but we do our best to keep our chins up and enjoy each day we are given. You taught us how to be happy no matter what and to be like the Little Engine that Could, never giving up! Thanks for being apart of our family Tacen! Thank you for teaching me not only how to be a mother, but so much more. I continue to learn so much from you. Happy Birthday my sweet boy!
I love you!
Mom

Tacen's 5th Birthday is Almost Here

Just wanted to give a reminder that Tacen's 5th birthday is almost here. It's Thursday July 2nd. If anyone wants to let off blue balloons with us feel free. We'd love to see pictures as always. We will also be playing in the water that day so if you want to play in the water in remembrance of Tacen that'd be great too!