Happy 10th Birthday Tacen

Dearest Tacen-

You would be 10 years old today! 10! It's crazy to think you'd be double digits! That I've been a parent for a decade! Crazy! We have been working to finish the last bedroom in our basement and it is going to be a guest bedroom/exercise room. I am decorating it with your things. Your name, your temple picture and Jesus picture and some other pictures of you. I am also going to get some different car pictures and make a car collage that I think you would LOVE! I've always wanted to have a room for you and get your things back out. At least some of them.
As we were pulling out your box there were a few t-shirts that we kept separate from the ones Daxon wore when he was your age. As I pulled them out it was surprising to me to remember how small they were and how small you are. I think in part because as Daxon has aged I picture you being big like him even though I also can't picture that...if that makes any sense. It made me miss you more that day and wish you were still here.
Daxon still talks often of wishing you were here to be his brother. I asked Lula the other day where you were and she said movies and pictures. So we had a nice talk about how you are in heaven with Jesus. The kids ask often when you will get to come back. When is Jesus coming again so we can see Tacen? It's been a long time! It's taking FOREVER!
The moments I feel you near are some of my favorites. It doesn't happen as often as it used too, so I really cherish them when they do happen! I like to think that you are watching over your brother and sisters! It was fun as we welcomed Lucille to our family to think of her being in Heaven with you before she came. I do love that!
We spend today thinking of you! Celebrating you and missing you! Can't wait until I can hug you again...Love you my sweet boy!
Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

Happy 9th Birthday

Dear Tacen!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! You would be 9 today! 9 years since you made me a mom. 9 years since we met you for the first time and fell instantly in love with those blue eyes and brown hair! Its been over 6.5 years since we said good bye for now my sweet boy. We all miss you! Iszella often says, "mom we all miss Tacen!" She also has said a few times lately, "it sure is taking a long time for Tacen to come back!" Studying the New Testament this year at church and having our new Come Follow Me Curriculum we've spent a lot of time talking about our Savior and his life, Atonement, death and resurrection.  Having also had Cade's grandpa Kowallis and my grandma Knight pass away in April we talked about how they are now in heaven with you sweet boy.
The day I found out that my grandma was likely going to pass away Iszella had a dance recital and I knew it was likely we wouldn't make it in before she passed. As I was driving in the car I remember talking to you Tacen and asking you to give her a big hug for me because you would likely see her before I did. Then after she passed away I learned that she had seen you visiting her. I love thinking of her being with you. Iszella asked the other day when I was telling she and Daxon how you used to love bran muffins who was making you breakfast. We talked about how maybe Grandma Knight was making your breakfast and then in her innocence she added or Jesus' Mom! I know there are many in heaven who I loved in this life with you. With each love one that passes on I long for the second coming more. Not because I'm ever going to be good enough, but because I'm so ready to be with you again sweet boy! But I'm not ready to leave our family here so the 2nd coming is the only thing that brings us all together!
Daxon a few weeks ago was having a rough Sunday morning. The girls were playing together and he was feeling left out and didn't want to play what they were playing. In a moment of frustration he looked at me and said, "Mom I just wish Tacen was here then we could play cars!" He talks often about teaching you to ride a bike or to swim. They sure miss and love you!
This week your dad was put in the bishopric at church on Sunday (6.30.19). That morning I was feeling weepy! Pregnancy hormones have sure amplified that situation! I was thinking of you and how I needed extra strength that day. As I was getting ready the thought out of no where came into my mind, "Mom, I'm here!" It was all I needed to know that Tacen was near. I know sweet boy that you are always close. I feel your love and know you are watching over us until we can be together again!
Sweet boy I wish I could see you as a 9 year old boy. I wish I could see what you would be like. What you would like to do. Would you love biking like Daxon? Swimming? Would you have a totally different interest and hobby? Would your hair be dark brown like your dad's? Oh how I can't wait to have all these questions answered. How I can wait to hold you in my arms again and hug you tight! Just know sweet boy and your birthday and all year through you are loved, you are missed and we are doing our best to make good choices so we can be with you again! We are eating rice, going swimming and letting off balloons today in your honor sweet boy! We love you so much!

Love,
Mom

Happy 8th Birthday

Dearest Tacen

The last few months your absence has been continually very apparent for me. As I've seen the kids born near you getting baptized I've thought of you and noticed your absence. As grandkid events have come and gone I've thought about how you should be here and where you would fall. As Daxon prays daily for a baby brother I think about how you should be here and how he has a brother! I find myself thinking of you often and wishing so much you were here. You are always missed and NEVER forgotten!
It's so crazy to be that we should have been planning your baptism this weekend. I know where you are and I know you would have chosen to make this commitment in your life. I wish that we could see you dressed in white with your father and gone down into the baptismal font to be baptized! I wish that we could plan a program and make it such a special day! I wish we could celebrate this milestone in your life instead of wishing for it.
The other day Lula May was pointing to your baby picture we have on the wall in the dining room and Dad made the comment that she was the last one to see you! I often find myself wondering what you would be like at 8! What would your interests be. Who would your friends be? How would our family dynamic be different with you still here? How would that change the sibling relations or would the be different at all? So many questions I won't have answered in this life time and so many things I wish you could be here for!
Iszella prayed the other night that you could come back and then followed it up with, "Mom when will Tacen come back?" I said honey some day we'll see Tacen again, but I don't know when that will be. Her response was, but what day? How many days until then? I can't tell you how much I wish that I had an exact date to count down to! How much I wish that I knew exactly when I could hold you in my arms again!
Grief has away of sneaking up on me. We go through the year and I always think I've got it under control. I think that I know what to expect and yet it always sneaks up on me. It always seems about March I really started to realize that your birthday is coming. I start thinking about how you should be turning a year older and I see the kids who I remember being born when I was still pregnant with you. I see what they are doing and how they are growing and I ache for you! I ache to be experiencing all those things with you! Then as we hit your birthday it really strikes and I just wish you could be here to be hitting this milestones! I wish you could be with us right now!
Instead though we take July 2nd each year and we celebrate you! We talk with your brother and sisters about your favorite things. We find time to go and play in the water because that was always your favorite! We eat rice and cake. We talk about how you hated frosting and you really only loved the cake part! We let off balloons each year (8 this year) and we remember you! We hold you close buddy! We talk about you often! We are so thankful to know where you are, we are so thankful to have you watching over us! We long for the day we'll all be together again, but until then this day is yours! We love you sweet boy! Keep lighting up our lives from where you are and know how much we love you!
Happy birthday my sweet boy! I'll never stop missing or loving you!

Love,
Mom

Happy 7th Birthday

Dear Tacen! 

Happy 7th birthday Tacen Cade Kowallis, my sweet boy! 7 years ago you made me a mother and you haven't stopped blessing my life since that day! I laid awake thinking the other night wondering what you'd be like as a 7 year old. I can't imagine it! I still think of you as my cute 2.5 year old boy! I often wish we could know what it was like to raise you now! 

When Lula May was born I realized we have the perfect family! 2 boys and 2 girls! I'll be wishing you we're here with us every day until I can hug you again!!! Daxon often reminds me that you're his big brother! He knows and loves you in such a tangible way!!! Iszella knows you and loves you. She's especially appreciative to know you're watching over her and helping to keep her safe. She gets scared often now and it means the world to her to know you're watching out for her! I know you are always near and it's truly a blessing!!! 

We had planned to bless Lula May at church on your birthday, but I came down with a nasty stomach bug instead that wiped me out for the day! We did eat rice on Saturday night thinking of you and we sent you 7 balloons for your birthday! We are planning to go to the lake on the 4th so we'll get our traditional water fun in a little later this year! 

This year the grief that always strikes by your birthday hit me a little out of no where! We have been insanely busy with our basement project and adding Lula May to our family. I haven't had the time I normally have to sit and reflect and give enough of my thoughts to you!!! But as always grief strikes even if I don't have the proper time to offer it!!! We miss you buddy! Not a day passes where I don't think of you!!! I'll always wish you were here with us and wonder what it would be like to have you at each age!!! I'd love to see your personality grow with your age!!! See what your interests are! I sat wondering if your hair would be really dark like daddy's now or if it would still be a lighter brown. Would you still have bright blue eyes or would they have changed to green like mine did when I was 7 or 8? Would you still love cars or would you have moved on to other hobbies and loves! Most of all I wonder what it would be like to have our family whole and not have a little piece of my heart missing! 

Happy birthday buddy! 

Love, Mom

Tacen's 6th Birthday

Dear Tacen

You would be six today! Happy Birthday my sweet boy! Its hard to imagine what you would be like at six. I imagine you would be wrecking havoc and causing trouble with your brother and sister! Something I long for quite often. I wish I could take a peak for just a moment at what might have been if you were still here with us. Its hard for me to imagine!
We all miss you. Daxon talks about you often! He says things like, "Mom I miss Tacen I wish he could come down with us!" He recently found and extra pillow in his closet and he put it on his bed and said, "That's for Tace so when he comes down he can sleep with me and I will give him his b (blanket) back." Daxon has been sleeping with one of your blankets the last 6 months or so. I am constantly amazed at how much he thinks about and speaks of you! He knows and loves you and I am so grateful for that! One of my biggest fears from the moment you passed away was forgetting. I didn't want to forget anything about you and I didn't want others to forget you. I know that time has made my memories fade, but you are definitely not forgotten!
Iszella is starting to talk more of you too! She loves to talk about how I am her mom. Then she begins listing, "Iszie's mom! Tacen's mom! Daxon's mom!" She knows and loves you!
The kids love to go to the cemetery or your special place as we've started calling it. Daxon has noticed that their are other graves and he knows that those people also have special places and they are in heaven with you. He's a smart boy! The kids always climb on your headstone, which at first I wasn't sure if that was ok, but then I realized that it was their only way of playing with you and its an endearing sight for me to see!
Tacen as I think about the day you were born and the two birthdays we got to spend with you I am reminded of all the joy you brought into our lives! The day you were born you made your dad and I so happy and so proud. We were so excited to be parents and you fulfilled that dream for us! You were stubborn and made us wait for what seemed like forever the last month of my pregnancy, but that first time I held you in my arms it was all worth it. You instantly had me with your bright blue eyes and dark hair!
On you first birthday I recall playing so joyfully in the water and digging right into your cake! You had a smile on your face most of the day! That contagious smile of yours!
On your second birthday I think about how I went a little overboard on your birthday party. I guess that's what happens with your first! I made car shaped crayons, race tracks, cars frozen in water and more than I can recall! I remember being thankful after you passed away that your last birthday was a big one! We were so happy to celebrate you! Your love for cars was a big part of who you are! Along with those big blue eyes and that smile!
I am so unbelievably grateful for the time we got to have with you! 28 months wasn't long enough, but as I've thought back on it all I realize our time could have gotten cut short much sooner! It was such a blessing we had you with us as long as we did! We learned so much from you! You allowed me the privilege of being a mother! You taught me to never give up, but to think I can and keep going! I still am learning things from you and your example and zeal for life!
We wish every day that you could still be here with us, but I feel you near often and that is a blessing I hold dear to my heart! I know you are never far and I can't wait until the day I can hold you in my arms again! I just might not let go! Happy happy birthday my sweet boy! I hope you always know how much we love you and I hope perhaps you are having some angel food cake for your birthday! We love you so much!
Love,
Mama

Celebrating with Us

We had so many people reach out to us on Tacen's birthday. There were many who set off balloons and sent pictures, we also received many texts and messages. We heard of others taking the day and spending some time in the water. Thank you to all who reached out to us and thought of Tacen on his birthday. It didn't go unnoticed! We love and appreciate the support we received!

Celebrating Tacen's 5th Birthday

Thursday July 2, 2015 was Tacen's 5th birthday. We decided not long after Tacen passed away that we want to spend the day playing in the water. A while back we got a Pass of All Passes to Seven Peaks and when we did I knew we would spend Tacen's birthday there. We had been out in Midway visiting some friends. We got up and headed down to Seven Peaks. With our pass we can get in at 10am. We decided to get some tubes today and go down some of the slides that require tubes that we hadn't done before. We had such a great day at Seven Peaks! Daxon discovered Tykes Peak and LOVED it! It's a slide mean to simulate the bigger slides and I think Daxon went down 20+ times. He would go down and run back up over and over! It was super cute to see! Spending 3-4 hours in the water playing as a family was the perfect way to celebrate Tacen!
After our day at Seven Peaks we headed up to ID to visit Cade's sister and her family. We haven't been able to visit them since we moved back from Memphis and it was great to finally have the chance. The kids zonked and slept for part of the way up and that was wonderful. Cade's sister and family were so thoughtful and had made cupcakes and per our request a meal with rice since that was Tacen's favorite, Hawaiian Haystacks! We enjoyed our dinner and cupcakes with ice cream, then we headed outside to let off Tacen's 5 balloons. I love this tradition and way to celebrate Tacen. It really helps me to be able to take this day for him!
Finally my dad had gotten a big firework from a specialist and he sent it with us to set off since we had fireworks going off outside our room right after Tacen was born. We set them off in the light because we needed to get our kids to bed, but they were way bigger than we were expecting and still cool.
I'm so thankful for a day to celebrate our Tacen! This year was nice having family surrounding me and being so busy. It made it easier to play and celebrate than to get caught in the sadness I feel of not having him here with us. I love being busy. It keeps me smiling and keeps my mind distracted. Its hard to imagine what Tacen would be like at 5. It's hard to imagine him and hard at the same time to know we've been parents for 5 years and we don't have a 5 year old. We love this boy so much. We miss him. We celebrated him on his birthday and we look forward to the day we'll see him again.