Saturday (12.12.20) we went and put Tacen's tree on his special place. It was snowing and it was the first snow of the winter Christmas season. I love the magic snow brings with it and I was thrilled it was snowing. It added to the special feeling as we decorated T's grave. I sat thinking about how you never really plan to have to do something like decorate your 2 year old son's grave. But I am grateful that the kids know and love Tacen and we can do these special things to include and honor him. We miss our sweet boy! Iszella said just the other day in reference to Tacen, "mom two year just isn't long enough!" and I said I agree!
As we draw closer to Easter and to the arrival of our new little one my thoughts have been turned to Tacen! Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him! I love how much our children know and love him. Iszella recently has been scared of monsters and we've talked a lot about asking Heavenly to help us feel safe and also remembering that she has an older brother Tacen to watch over her! She proudly announced a few days ago, "mom Tacen is my brother! He will watch over me and help keep me safe!" Daxon Saturday night out of the blue said, "mom I miss Tacen! When does he get to come back?" This allowed for a discussion about the seconding coming and how when Jesus comes again Tacen will be resurrected! Dax asked how Tacen would get here and Cade suggested he'd float down! Daxon liked that idea! I'm so thankful that our kids know and love Tacen! I'm also unbelievably grateful that our Savior was resurrected so we too might be! I think of baby fruit loop with Tacen now and I'm a little jealous because I would love to hug my sweet boy and see those blue eyes and his big smile! But I've felt often through this pregnancy Tacen near! I'm grateful to be his mother and I can wait to hold him in my arms again some day!!! #tacegram #tacensstory
Today marks the day that Iszella is as old as Tacen was when he passed away! It is so nice to now have two children who have passed this mark. I'm so thankful to see Iszella walking, talking and progressing as she should. It's such a blessing to me to have two beautiful healthy children still here with us! Yet, its surreal. It's so crazy to me that Iszella who was never alive while Tacen was is now as old as he was. Sometimes she seems so much older because she talks well and walks well. Milestones Tacen never reached. Yet size wise she's still much smaller than Tacen was. It's hard to believe in just a little under two months Tacen will have been gone for 4 years! If there is one thing I have learned it's that life goes on. It stops for no one! I'm thankful for the beautiful life we had with Tacen, for the beautiful life we now have and for the knowledge that Tacen is always near and one day (no matter how far away) I'll get to experience all the experiences moving forward with Tacen! Until then I'm thankful for the days we get with Daxon and Iszella. For the things Tacen has taught me and the things he continues to teach me and bring to my remembrance!
Friday (2.19.16) we ran to the store for some milk and I decided to stop by the cemetery! We've taken to calling it Tacen's special place. We talked about how there were many people who had special places here and it was all the people who were in heaven and couldn't be here with us any more. This seems to really make sense for Daxon and I love it. As soon as we got there the kids started playing on his headstone! At first I wasn't sure how to react! The longer I thought about it I loved it. I loved that they were "playing" in the only way they can right now with their brother. I worried it might seem disrespectful, but its ours! We chose that headstone, we paid for it and he's our son and their brother. So if climbing on it makes them happy while we visit its a ok in my book! I loved this simple little moment where they had the chance to play with their brother! We sure miss you Tacen! Always and forever until we get to see you again! We Love You!
As I hung our stockings on the wall I love that I get to hang Tacen's. It's the little things that make me smile and miss him all at the same time! I'm so happy when I have tangible things that show he is apart of our family. I love looking up at the wall and reading his name up there. I love thinking about the two Christmases we had with him and the fun and excitement. Yet, I long to have him here. I read his name and I also feel some sadness that he's not here with us. It's a mixture of emotions!
My parents have been and continue to be so great about helping to decorate Tacen's grave. We went out last Friday (12.4.15) to help Papa put a tree and snowflake on Tacen's grave. This is a confusing and hard thing for Daxon to understand and it's something we are learning to navigate through with him. It's also special to hear him say things like, "(while looking at the picture of Tacen) That's my brother!" "I want one of the cars off of the tree (sharing his always hard)." I love how much Daxon knows his brother.
As this time of year comes I am filled with gratitude and love for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ! Because of a small babe in Bethlehem who lived a perfect life and suffered and died for us we have the chance to be redeemed. To keep trying and do better. We have the chance and blessing to know we will be with Tacen again. All will be made right and it will be glorious! This time of year as I reflect on this I am filled with joy, love, light, peace and comfort! I am so grateful to be able to reflect on His birth and all that it means to me!
The other night I had a dream. In my dream Tacen was with us. He was a four year old boy, just like he would be now if he hadn't passed away, and he and Daxon were running around and playing together. It took me a minute in my dream to wrap around this thought. Watching Tacen, he was a good couple inches taller than Daxon. Which didn't make sense because Daxon is now 6.5 months older than Tacen was when he passed away, but as my dream continued I realized Tacen was 4 not 2.5 years old like I can picture him. The way I know he'll come back as he is resurrected. I've always love this “Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory--the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”
President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …"
This thought has given me more peace and hope than I can explain over the last almost 2.5 years. I love knowing that I can see my sweet Tacen just as he was and that one day I will be able to raise him. We have officially been without Tacen longer than he was here. How is that possible? We really didn't get to have Tacen with us long enough so I can't wait to get to raise him some day! Tangent...back to my dream.
As one of His latter-day witnesses, I testify that He lives today. He is a resurrected Being. He is our Savior, our Lord, the very Son of God. I testify that He will come again as our glorified, resurrected Lord. That day is not far distant. To all who accept Him as Savior and Lord, His literal resurrection means that life does not end at death, for He promised: “Because I live, ye shall live also." -President Ezra Taft Benson
Chapter 6: Jesus Christ, Our Savior and RedeemerOne of the best parts for me was seeing Tacen being able to run. If you didn't know Tacen, he couldn't really run. He had some balance problems and usually walked with one arm behind his back to help keep his balance. So seeing him, even if just in my dream, running was so wonderful. That's how I picture him now running all around with that big smile on his face! Here's a video from September 2012 of him playing on our driveway.
My other favorite part was seeing him running and playing with Daxon because that's something I really feel like we all missed out on! They were chasing each other and laughing and just having the best time. This is much how I imagine things to be if Tacen were still here. That is one of the things I long for most is for Tacen and Daxon to get to be brothers growing up together. Being each other's friends and playing together! So for that small moment it was wonderful and absolutely perfect to imagine what that would have been like and also to see Tacen running! Just the other day I had this blog pulled up on the computer and the picture of Tacen was there. Daxon said, "there's my Tacen! I miss him! He's just I am a child of God." Meaning he's with Heavenly Father. I'm thankful as we've tried to teach Daxon of Tacen that he's getting to know him! It's very important to us that our other children know Tacen and how important is he to us. That he's there brother! I am happy that he at least kind of understands that he's in heaven. That he knows who he is and that he loves him. He misses him just like we do!
I have this picture:
On my phone for the background and Iszella was looking at it the other day and the largest smile came across her face. I like to believe she knows Tacen. Remembers him probably. I loved seeing her face light up from seeing a picture of her brother! I want her to know her brother too!
You know what is so amazing? I know one day that Tacen will be resurrected! I know I will see him again. In that day he will run and laugh and play! He will be perfect without the physical challenges he faced here on earth! Then in that moment all my dreams will be fulfilled and I'll get to see him again! I'll get to hold him! I'll get to see him running and smiling and having all the experiences that for now have been put on hold. That is the day I long for! When that day does come my joy will be full! But until that time I'll cherish the nights when T visits my dreams and I get a glimpse of what could have been!
Today we went to the park. Daxon was playing minding his own business and some of the other little boys seemed like they were out to get him. He wanted wood chips on the bottom of the slide and then to slide down and push them off himself. Some of the older boys probably 4-5 (Tacen would be this age) were upset and almost yelled at him saying they didn't want them on there. I try to sit back and let Daxon handle situations like this so I'm not the over protective parent who always swoops in. Instead of trying to intervene with the boys (whose mother's were there). I tried to redirect Daxon. I showed him a different slide to put his wood chips on. Only the boys then went to that slide. My mama bear wants to bust out and intervene and I always have to restrain myself from doing so. So I redirected Daxon again and we headed home for some lunch.
I'm honestly not that worked up about this. What really happens is I start to think about Tacen. I start to wish my all my heart that he was here to play with Daxon. So they could have grown up together and had each other as friends. In our move over the last 6 months we just haven't established friendships with people here. I have old friends that we've been able to get together with and they have children. But Daxon doesn't have friends like he did in Memphis. This makes my heart ache for him. He ADORES other children and playing with them. At the end of the day he should have Tacen. We should all have Tacen and they should have each other. Tacen should be his big brother and should be here to stick up for him when other kids are bothering him. Instead he's not here. I just want him here some days or every day. Today was one of those moments. I have them quite often where I just sit and wish.
Daxon and Iszella and I were at Thanksgiving Point a few weeks ago. A little girl came up to Iszella and was pointing at her bow and trying to show that she had one too. The little girl was probably about 18 months old. I was right there and watching, but Daxon said, "hey stay away from Iszie!" He was protective of her and watching out for her, even though sometimes he pushes her off of the slide at home or takes a toy. He loves her and he was watching out for her. That. That right there is what I wish Tacen were here to do for Daxon.
I have these thoughts often of how Daxon wasn't supposed to be the oldest. I can't quite explain it, but Tacen was supposed to be the oldest. I'm sure I would have had moments where older kids were taunting or bothering Tacen. But he was meant to be the oldest in our family. So when I see Daxon having to fill this role, its different because that's not how it was supposed to be. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
I often go in circles with these thoughts. I think about how I wish Tacen could be here and I know he can't be. I think about how much I miss that boy and how sometimes its just not fair! Today was one of those days. One of those moments when life is just not fair. One of those moments when even almost 2 and half years later grief still wins because a piece of my heart is in heaven and until we are together again I'll miss him. Until we are all together something is missing and I'll always be reminded of that. So until then I look forward to that day with all my heart!
This morning (1.26.15) Daxon requested to watch Tacen movies. I turned some one. We watched one when he got his wagon from G'ma Sue and Pa and he was eating a popsicle. Daxon then decided he needed a popsicle. I didn't have any popsicles being winter and all, so I gave him a frozen gogurt. He needed gloves to wear so his hand wouldn't get cold. Then he requested that I take pictures of him too. Daxon has asked a few times recently to watch Tacen videos. It's really sweet that he knows and loves his brother. He usually ends up requesting to do whatever Tacen was doing in the video. I was talking to Cade about this and he said, "It's Tacen's way of getting to be his big brother now!" I just love that idea. It made me think about how Iszella loves to be doing whatever Daxon is doing and how she follows him around and just adores him. That's how it would have been if Tacen had been able to be here and be Daxon's big brother right now. So it's really neat, fun and special to catch a glimpse of that with the home videos we have of Tacen. What sweet brothers!
We try to talk about Tacen as often as we can. We especially have discussed together (Cade and myself) about wanting our children to know Tacen. He's an important part of our family and just because he's not here with us doesn't mean he isn't important or that we want him to be forgotten. I know I've mentioned it before, but sometimes people don't know how to handle it when we talk about Tacen. They act uncomfortable or just try to listen and get past the subject as quickly as possible. When he first passed away I struggled with this. Now I just talk about him and I figure if someone feels uncomfortable that's their choice, but its so much harder for me not to talk about him and my heart aches so much more than if I just bring him up.
We've had a few experiences with Daxon bringing Tacen up lately and it warms my heart. Daxon is really big into helping give the prayer on food lately. He starts naming off a list of different various items he's thankful for. The other night he included Tacen in his prayer.
If we ask Daxon where Tacen is he will either respond, "With Jesus" or "in Heaven." I'm not sure if I wrote it down here or not, but one Sunday during sacrament meeting in church I was trying to talk to Daxon about the sacrament and how we have the sacrament to remind us of Jesus. When I said, "Jesus." Daxon immediately made a connection and said, "with Tacen!'
We have a picture of Tacen eating Eier Kuchen and he has nutella on his face. It's in a cute block that someone gave us that says, "Some I love is in Heaven" and we have it in the kids bathroom. Last night we were going potty before bed and Daxon looked up at the picture. He said, "Tacen likes Eier Kuchen!" So we talked about how Tacen liked Eier Kuchen just like Daxon and how he had nutella on his face. Eier Kuchen is one of Daxon's favorites right now. So I think it was fun for him to make that connection to his brother.
Finally, today we had been outside playing and Daxon got cold. He asked to come inside. I suggested we have some hot cocoa to warm up. When we came in he wanted to watch a movie. Then he suggested we watch a Tacen movie! We watched a handful of movies and ended with one where Tacen is trying to get a fly with a fly swatter. Daxon wanted to get the fly swatter and try to get some flies too! I couldn't help wondering what it would be like if they could play together. Yet, I'm so thankful that Daxon loves his big brother and talks about him.
My heart longs to have Tacen here with us, but until then I'm thankful we can keep his memory alive. I'm thankful for my sweet 2.5 year old boy who loves his brother and talks about him. Even if he only knows him from pictures and movies. It's wonderful that he knows him! I'm also incredibly grateful for videos of Tacen so help keep him alive more. So we can recapture those sweet moments and so his siblings can know him until we can be with him again!
Here's the video he watched:
