First Snow and Decorating T's Special Place

   Saturday (12.12.20) we went and put Tacen's tree on his special place. It was snowing and it was the first snow of the winter Christmas season. I love the magic snow brings with it and I was thrilled it was snowing. It added to the special feeling as we decorated T's grave. I sat thinking about how you never really plan to have to do something like decorate your 2 year old son's grave. But I am grateful that the kids know and love Tacen and we can do these special things to include and honor him. We miss our sweet boy! Iszella said just the other day in reference to Tacen, "mom two year just isn't long enough!" and I said I agree! 

This Time of Year

As I hung our stockings on the wall I love that I get to hang Tacen's. It's the little things that make me smile and miss him all at the same time! I'm so happy when I have tangible things that show he is apart of our family. I love looking up at the wall and reading his name up there. I love thinking about the two Christmases we had with him and the fun and excitement. Yet, I long to have him here. I read his name and I also feel some sadness that he's not here with us. It's a mixture of emotions!

My parents have been and continue to be so great about helping to decorate Tacen's grave. We went out last Friday (12.4.15) to help Papa put a tree and snowflake on Tacen's grave. This is a confusing and hard thing for Daxon to understand and it's something we are learning to navigate through with him. It's also special to hear him say things like, "(while looking at the picture of Tacen) That's my brother!" "I want one of the cars off of the tree (sharing his always hard)."  I love how much Daxon knows his brother.

As this time of year comes I am filled with gratitude and love for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ! Because of a small babe in Bethlehem who lived a perfect life and suffered and died for us we have the chance to be redeemed. To keep trying and do better. We have the chance and blessing to know we will be with Tacen again. All will be made right and it will be glorious! This time of year as I reflect on this I am filled with joy, love, light, peace and comfort! I am so grateful to be able to reflect on His birth and all that it means to me! 

Christmas in Heaven

Tacen December 2010

My sweet friend Chelsey shared this poem with me in 2012 when we had to celebrate our first Christmas without Tacen. I love it! I love thinking of Tacen up in Heaven and all the wonderful things he must be seeing and doing!

Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear 

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. 

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring 

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. 

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place 

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face? 

I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell you of your love 

So, then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing 

For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.

By Wanda Bencke

You see it is because of Christ that I know I can see my sweet Tacen again. It is because He was born all those years ago. Because He was willing to die for me and all of us. This time of year there is a special spirit and that is the spirit of Christ. We can celebrate Him. His life, his birth the miracle of it all. I can know that I'll be with my sweet Tacen again.

Just the other night before bed Cade and I were discussing Tacen. I was talking about how it all seems like a dream him being here in our lives. I was talking about how if the resurrection happened now that Daxon would be physically older than Tacen and how strange that all is. That night I was blessed to have a dream with Tacen in it. Oh how I love those dreams, because for those few sweet moments it feels like I am with him again. I got to see his sweet smile and in my dream I heard him say, "mommy." I got to hold him and hug him.  I got to think about how he had so many struggles before he passed and how when he is resurrected he'll be perfect. He'll be able to run like he was never able here on earth. I got to think about how his language will progress and he'll be able to talk with us. And in my dream for those a brief moment I got to see it all. Oh how glorious it will be!

I know that it will be because of our Savior. So I celebrate Him, now and always! I think of my sweet boy in Heaven celebrating Christmas with our Savior and I smile because that's a beautiful image to think of!

My sweet friend Rachelle had this drawn for me and I love this picture and all that it represents so much!