Playing with their brother

 Friday (2.19.16) we ran to the store for some milk and I decided to stop by the cemetery! We've taken to calling it Tacen's special place. We talked about how there were many people who had special places here and it was all the people who were in heaven and couldn't be here with us any more. This seems to really make sense for Daxon and I love it. As soon as we got there the kids started playing on his headstone! At first I wasn't sure how to react! The longer I thought about it I loved it. I loved that they were "playing" in the only way they can right now with their brother. I worried it might seem disrespectful, but its ours! We chose that headstone, we paid for it and he's our son and their brother. So if climbing on it makes them happy while we visit its a ok in my book! I loved this simple little moment where they had the chance to play with their brother! We sure miss you Tacen! Always and forever until we get to see you again! We Love You!

"I Miss Tacen"

Daxon has been talking about Tacen a lot lately. We took some flowers and one of our Tonka trucks down to put on his headstone for Memorial Day. It's a truck a good friend of ours, Brenda, gave us and Daxon loves playing with it. He was not happy that we took it down to the cemetery. I think he was concerned we were leaving it there permanently. We tried our best to explain to him that we would get it back. When we got home Daxon announced, "Mom, we need to go get my yellow truck, because Tacen doesn't like it!"

We were down in Moab over the weekend a couple different times Daxon said things like, "When Tacen comes back from heaven then I'll play with him." He's been talking a lot about Tacen coming back from heaven. It makes me happy to hear him talking about him.
We've talked about how Tacen is his big brother and different things lately and I really feel like he's getting it. So today I went in his room after his nap and found him sitting on his bed laying his head on the back of his bed frame. He looked at me and said, "I miss Tacen!" He had his new yellow truck in his closet and hopped down to get it out. I sat on the floor to help him out. He looked at me and said, "I want Tacen to come back from Heaven." I tried to explain that he was in heaven with Heavenly Father and Jesus. Daxon went on to say, "Maybe I can look out the window and Jesus can drop him off!" At this point my heart about broke. We haven't really had to experience this part of grief up front with our kids. I didn't know what to say. I sat crying feeling so sorry that Daxon was hurting and missing his brother, not understanding where he is or why he can't come back from heaven. It was a sad reminder that losing our sweet Tacen is something that isn't going to go away. It's something that will always be apart of our lives. Not only do I miss him, but my children miss him. They want to have him here and play with him. I'm grateful that Daxon is beginning to know him, but I wish he was here to play with him. I wish he could come back from heaven! I also wish I had all the answers to make this easier!