Thursday (5.16.24) Tyg was the same age as Tacen when Tacen passed away. It feels wild number one that Tyg is that old and number two that now all of our children have passed the age he was. It's both crazy and exciting. We are so glad our other children are developing and progressing normal and well. It always feels like an accomplishment to make it to this point! There are definite similarities between Tyg and Tacen. Tyg loves cars, trains, trucks, tractors, etc just as Tacen did. I often find myself thinking of him watching Tyg play. So thankful for both these boys. To know one day we'll raise Tacen and all will be made right and to have Tyg here now.
Last Thursday (1.21.16) Daxon was looking up at our entertainment center and said, "I love our valentines decorations up and I love Tacen's foot print and hand!" I switched up our decorations a couple weeks ago and took down Christmas and put Valentine's and also put some of our more general decoration. With that meant pulling out some of our Tacen things. When we were putting out Tacen's hand and feet prints and Daxon began asking about them. We've had them stored away since we moved from Memphis.
Before Tacen passed away, but we knew it was close the Family Life Specialists came and asked us if them making hand and foot prints is something that we would like them to do. We of course were all about that! They are a treasure that we hold dear having every little piece of him we can is the best thing!
Daxon has taken a notice to them. He has also mentioned missing Tacen a couple times of the last few days and today (1.26.16) he even asked when Tacen would be coming back and if we would get to see him soon! Its these simple little moments that both make me beam and tear at my heart. I love that Daxon knows his brother. He has a real, special relationship with him. However, Its hard not being able to say that he can see his brother or having a time line of when that might happen! I wish these two sweet brothers could have their time together now, but we'll keep waiting! Until then we will keep his memory alive in our home and family so our kids can know their brother!
We were given this darling block when Tacen passed away! I love it. We've had it out, but I moved things around the the other day and Daxon came out to find it. He pointed to it and said, "Mom I want that in my room!" I asked if he meant this picture with Tacen. He said yes. So we took it into his room and he has it in there. This boy knows and loves his brother in a way that I worried wouldn't be possible! I was so concerned when Tacen passed away that he would be forgotten. How I would I teach his siblings about him? I have been amazed how natural it has been to teach them about Tacen. If asked Daxon will tell you that Tacen is his brother. He is in heaven and he lives with Jesus! His faith and confidence in this knowledge strengthens me! He loves looking at pictures or watching videos of Tacen. He talks of him often. I know he knows him and I know his misses him! We sure love Tacen and I am so happy his brother does too!
Along with this, Daxon has another picture of Tacen in his room. One of the few pictures we have of Tacen and Daxon together in the laundry bin. We were in Iszella's room and he said to me, "Mom, where is Tacen?" He noticed there wasn't a picture of Tacen in her room. I guess we'll let her decide as she grows up if she wants a picture of Tacen in her room. But Daxon noticed and it was so sweet!
Monday evening for Family Home Evening we were talking about when Jesus Christ visited the Americas. We decided to play a portion from "The Testaments" movie. The last scene is when Jesus visits the Americas. Christ appears to them, blesses the children and heals the sick. After watching this we had a good discussion about the resurrection. We talked about how Jesus was resurrected, how when we pass away we will one day be resurrected and how Tacen will one day be resurrected. Today as we were out for our run Daxon was looking up at the sky and he said, "Mom Tacen will come from the sky!" It took me a second, but I soon realized that he was talking about how when Christ appeared to the Nephites he came from the sky and he knew Tacen would too. He then asked/told me later in the day, "Mom Tacen's my brother!"
I'm beyond grateful that we will one day be able to see Tacen again! I'm grateful that we are able to teach our children not only about our Savior and his resurrection, but also that our son and their brother will be resurrected too! This is a truth that has blessed my life each and every day since Tacen's passing. It meant so much to me to see Daxon understanding this too!
This morning (1.26.15) Daxon requested to watch Tacen movies. I turned some one. We watched one when he got his wagon from G'ma Sue and Pa and he was eating a popsicle. Daxon then decided he needed a popsicle. I didn't have any popsicles being winter and all, so I gave him a frozen gogurt. He needed gloves to wear so his hand wouldn't get cold. Then he requested that I take pictures of him too. Daxon has asked a few times recently to watch Tacen videos. It's really sweet that he knows and loves his brother. He usually ends up requesting to do whatever Tacen was doing in the video. I was talking to Cade about this and he said, "It's Tacen's way of getting to be his big brother now!" I just love that idea. It made me think about how Iszella loves to be doing whatever Daxon is doing and how she follows him around and just adores him. That's how it would have been if Tacen had been able to be here and be Daxon's big brother right now. So it's really neat, fun and special to catch a glimpse of that with the home videos we have of Tacen. What sweet brothers!
We try to talk about Tacen as often as we can. We especially have discussed together (Cade and myself) about wanting our children to know Tacen. He's an important part of our family and just because he's not here with us doesn't mean he isn't important or that we want him to be forgotten. I know I've mentioned it before, but sometimes people don't know how to handle it when we talk about Tacen. They act uncomfortable or just try to listen and get past the subject as quickly as possible. When he first passed away I struggled with this. Now I just talk about him and I figure if someone feels uncomfortable that's their choice, but its so much harder for me not to talk about him and my heart aches so much more than if I just bring him up.
We've had a few experiences with Daxon bringing Tacen up lately and it warms my heart. Daxon is really big into helping give the prayer on food lately. He starts naming off a list of different various items he's thankful for. The other night he included Tacen in his prayer.
If we ask Daxon where Tacen is he will either respond, "With Jesus" or "in Heaven." I'm not sure if I wrote it down here or not, but one Sunday during sacrament meeting in church I was trying to talk to Daxon about the sacrament and how we have the sacrament to remind us of Jesus. When I said, "Jesus." Daxon immediately made a connection and said, "with Tacen!'
We have a picture of Tacen eating Eier Kuchen and he has nutella on his face. It's in a cute block that someone gave us that says, "Some I love is in Heaven" and we have it in the kids bathroom. Last night we were going potty before bed and Daxon looked up at the picture. He said, "Tacen likes Eier Kuchen!" So we talked about how Tacen liked Eier Kuchen just like Daxon and how he had nutella on his face. Eier Kuchen is one of Daxon's favorites right now. So I think it was fun for him to make that connection to his brother.
Finally, today we had been outside playing and Daxon got cold. He asked to come inside. I suggested we have some hot cocoa to warm up. When we came in he wanted to watch a movie. Then he suggested we watch a Tacen movie! We watched a handful of movies and ended with one where Tacen is trying to get a fly with a fly swatter. Daxon wanted to get the fly swatter and try to get some flies too! I couldn't help wondering what it would be like if they could play together. Yet, I'm so thankful that Daxon loves his big brother and talks about him.
My heart longs to have Tacen here with us, but until then I'm thankful we can keep his memory alive. I'm thankful for my sweet 2.5 year old boy who loves his brother and talks about him. Even if he only knows him from pictures and movies. It's wonderful that he knows him! I'm also incredibly grateful for videos of Tacen so help keep him alive more. So we can recapture those sweet moments and so his siblings can know him until we can be with him again!
Here's the video he watched:
