Almost here...

Tacen's 3rd birthday is fast approaching and this will be our first without our sweet boy here with us. I had a few hard days over the past couple weeks as I've thought about this and just missed my little boy! Today I was reading here and this part really hit home with me:
"Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love anotehr person and not grieve at his sufferingo r eventual death. The only way to avoid grief would be not to experience the love, and its the love that  gives life it's richness and meaning." from the article, "The Refining Fire of Grief."
I am thankful every day for the love that Tacen brought into my life and the love he continues to bring. I am so thankful for Daxon and the joy of being his mother and the sun spot he is in my life. I miss Tacen. I can't say that enough, but I know that's ok. I know that its ok if I miss him. I know it's ok. But some days that's harder than others. I know Tacen's birthday is going to be a hard day. But I also know that it won't be any harder than any other day. I'm going to do my best to celebrate him on that day and the life he lived and all that I learned from him for the short time he was here with us! I can think of no greater blessing than being a mother to him and Daxon!  I will hold my sweet boy in my heart until I can hold him in my arms!

Thoughts about grieving...

One of my best friends' mom, Nancy (who I also consider a dear friend) told me about the Mormon Channel and "Conversations."  I was so glad she shared these with me. I listend to Elder Wickman and Elder Bowen. I have linked their conversations if you feel so inclined to listen. They both have been through the tradgedy of losing children at a young age. They each had something I wanted to remember that really stuck out to me.
Elder Shane M. Bowen. said:
"Keep that eternal perspective and realize that we have everything...There is nothing wrong with crying. Sometimes you just have to cry. But it gets better... But keeping your covenants is where the peace comes."

The eterinal perspective I have gives me the strength to move forward each day. I also could relate to the comment, "Sometimes you just have to cry!"

Elder Lance B. Wickman said:
"Adam(his son) made no improvement...finally, one morning after a fitful night..I spoke to the Lord and told him that we wanted our little boy to return to so very much, but nevertheless what we wanted most was for His will to be done and that we (Pat and I ) would accept that. Adam crossed the threshold into the eternities a short while later. Frankly we still grieve for our little boy, although the tender ministering of the spirit and the passage of the years have softened our sadness... . But Pat and I know that his path through mortality was intended by a kind Heavenly Father to be shorter and easier than ours and that he has now hurried on ahead to be a welcoming presence when we likewise eventually cross that same fateful threshold."

I could deeply relate to this. We also had to come to that realization that we were willing to accept Heavenly Father's will for us and Tacen and that it wasn't that he would stay with us, but that he would move on. I also appreciated hearing him say that they STILL grieve their little boy! Having gone through this and continuing to do so I know that we will always grieve and miss our sweet boy! Which leads me into my next though!
My good friend Heather S., sent me this the other day:

"If you feel that because you grieve you must lack faith in eternal things, just remember the precious moment of President Hinckley grieving his beloved Marjorie. Love means it's okay to miss them in the meantime."

This really touched me! I know that it's ok to miss my sweet boy, but it really helps to hear it every now and again and to have so many people around me who care so deeply and have shown us so much love and support. We couldn't continue on without the support and love of our family and friends!

Tacen's Headstone is In!

While we were in the Smokie's our family friends Tim and Lori called to let us know that while they were at the cemetary visiting Lori's Dad's grave they saw Tacen's headstone put in. We are so pleased with out it turned out! It looks great and represents our sweet boy very well. We have yet to see it in person. We are hoping to see it in August, but until then we are thankful for the power of technology and the chance to see pictures! 

Mother's Day

I was sitting thinking this morning what a special treat Mother's Day was last year. Because Daxon made his debut 16 days early I was able to have one special Mother's Day with both my boys! Little did I know then that it would be my only Mother's Day with both my boys.

I was also thinking about how it was tough with both my boys. Tacen was a hard toddler with his extra needs and Daxon was a fussy baby, but those were some of the happiest days together as the 4 of us. Whether not Tacen is here with us or not he will always be my son and I will always be his mother! I will forever be thankful for the lessons I learned from my sweet boy and the blessing of being his mother! I will cherish that always! Today at church a speaker shared a poem/story about a child coming to this earth and how his/her mother would be his/her angel. I thought how my sweet boy is now my angel! 

I read this: "He made me a mother, before that I was just a nice lady." on a friend's blog and it got me thinking about the truthfulness of that statement. Motherhood is a special gift! It changes a person or at least it has changed me! It's a precious gift. On this Mother's Day I'm grateful to be Tacen's mother! I'm also grateful each day for my Dax and the joy and life he brings! What a blessing motherhood is to me! I wouldn't trade the time with my boys for anything! I wouldn't trade being home with my children and being their mother for all the riches of the world. It is what I know I am meant to do with my life right now. I will forever be grateful that I was able to be home with Tacen and spend my days with him while he was here upon the earth. 

6 Months

It has been six months today since our sweet Tacen was called back to heaven. Not a day goes by that we don't think about him and miss him. I think about the time that has passed. It seems like an eternity since I held him in my arms, stroked his hair, smelled his sweaty, scent, and told him I loved him. In other instances of our lives time has passed by normally, maybe even quickly. Yet, in relation to Tacen it feels like forever. Each milestone or holiday that passes without him doesn't feel quite right, but we are adapting, adjusting if you will. I know I've said this before, but I've really been striving to find the little positives in our life since Tacen's passing. Regardless of what I do I can't get him back, but I can find the good. Over the last six months I have seen so much good and so many positives come from his loss. Tacen touched so many lives. Most of all he touched ours. He made me a different person, a better person and for that I will forever be grateful. My outlook on life has changed immensely. Who I am and the way I look at things will forever be altered. I am so thankful for the all the time we were able to have with him and that he didn't leave us any sooner.  Our lives are better because he was in them! Today and every day, we love you to the moon and back Tace!!! Thanks for always watching over us!

I Love You

Wednesday(4.24.13) this week was really hard for me. I was making an invitation up for Daxon's first birthday and trying to figure out how many invites I needed. I went back to my April 2012 pictures knowing I'd had my shower then and I could get a good count of SCO friends to invite. I came across this picture:

It really is a tender mercy. It shows our sweet Tacen with his big blue eyes and his cute, chubby hands in the "I love you," sign language. I know he wasn't intentionally putting his hands that way. We never taught him that, but it was like he was reminding me that he does love me.
I've realized for me going through all this sometimes I just need a good cry! So after finding the picture I put my headphones on, cranked up my two Tacen songs (Wanted by Hunter Hayes and See You Again by Carrie Underwood) and just cried it out. I miss him! I spent most of the rest of my day feeling kind of weepy! Just really thinking about him and missing him more than words can convey!
I had a sweet moment when Dax let me hold him and he snuggled right up to me! It was exactly what I needed from him. Daxon has been my little sun spot through all of this. I really feel like he's what has gotten me and continues to get me through! I've thought a lot about it. I love Cade and I couldn't do this without him, but he's mourning too! He misses him and had his hard days and I can't depend on him to get me through because he's not strong enough himself. Yet, little Daxon is my reason, my purpose, and my smiles. He makes me laugh. He gives me snuggles like only a child can! He loves me know matter what and you know what? I need that right now! I need a toddler on my life and Daxon is shaping up to be a pretty, fun little, toddler buddy of mine!
Nothing can ever replace Tacen! We wouldn't want that! He's a special little boy. He's our special little boy and I know I'll see him again, but there's a hole in my heart that will never completely go away! A friend told me after Tacen passed away that the edges would soften. I know they will, but the hole is there. The ache is there. I miss my little boy! But I do my best each day to keep moving forward! I smile and laugh because in my life I have so much to be happy about!

Easter

I've been spending a lot of time, as Easter approaches, thinking about its meaning. This year more than ever I've realized the true meaning of Easter more this year than ever before. I've realized how glorious the resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ is! How lucky I am to have this knowledge! Because of our Savior Jesus Christ, his sinless sacrifice and magnificent resurrection all of mankind will be resurrected and during that glorious time I will be able to reunited with my sweet Tacen!

You can find this video and more here.