Dreaming...

Last night I had a dream that Tacen was back with us. In my dream he had come back and he was 28 months and it was right now because Dax was 22 months. I was so excited to see him again. I was worried about how I would split my time with he and Daxon knowing that I just wanted to hold him and never let him go! The boys were only 6 months apart in age. They were wearing the same size clothes and both in diapers. It was like having twins, but having missed the reality of it over the last 2 years.
When I awoke this morning I couldn't get the idea out of my mind. Often when I think of Tacen still being with us I picture him being 3.5 years old like he would have been, but thinking of him being almost the same age of Daxon brought new thoughts and ideas.
It was fun for me to think about it for a while. I sat and thought about the fact that we are planning to move Daxon in to Tacen's room in the next month or so. I thought about how we would have done that. I remembered how Tace used to fall asleep in front of the door and thought about he and Dax in there falling asleep in front of the door together. We would need another car seat and booster chair for dinner.
I also thought of how jealous the boys would be of each other. I could just see them both wanting myself or Cade. I mentioned this to Cade and he said we'd all wrestle!
I thought of the chaos that would ensue in our lives over the coming months as we prepare to add this sweet baby girl to our family, but how we would go from having one hear to three in a matter of a few short months.
I thought of how much Daxon would love to have Tacen to play with and after they both adjusted to each other how much fun they would have together! I could just picture them being the best of friends!
Most of all I thought of how wonderful it would be to have our little family all together! I thought about how it would be an adjustment. How our days would probably be crazy, but how wonderful they would be! I thought about how above all else that's what I long for the most in life. I long to have our sweet Tacen here with us and have our family together, even if that means it would be utterly chaotic. We'd adapt and it would be oh so wonderful!
It was such a pleasant dream, I almost didn't want to wake up from it. I know that someday we'll have the chance to be together again, but until then sometimes it's nice to get caught up in a dream. To think of what our lives might be like and to enjoy the thought of it all! Because even though I am so thankful for the many wonderful blessing I have in my life. Even though I honestly love my life. I will always long to have Tacen here with us. I will always miss him. He will always be apart of our family!

Having Faith

I have been having some thoughts in relation to an article I read recently in the Ensign as well as some lessons we have recently in Sunday School or Relief Society. The talk was taken from a CES Talk given by Elder David A. Bednar That We Might "Not...Shrink" (D&C 19:18)

In the article I read it tells of a young couple John 23 and Heather 20 who just 3 weeks after being sealed in the temple found out that John had cancer and the prospect was not good.  Elder Bednar visited them and this is something that he shared:

I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”
...We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength....
...John continued: “Having the faith not to be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father’s plan for us. We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be. As we prayed, our petitions changed from ‘Please make me whole’ to ‘Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.’

There are parts of this story that I relate to. I appreciated this perspective coming from an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ because so many times the stories we do hear are those of healing, but that's not the plan for all of us. And you know what that's ok too.

Often in church we talk about being healed. We talk about having enough faith to be healed. That if we have enough faith and we are worthy we will be healed. Things of that nature. Please let me state that I completely believe this to be true. However, there are times in our lives regardless of our faith, regardless of the number of faithful people united in prayer and fasting for a cause (such as our sweet Tacen) that Heavenly Father's will is not for this person to be healed. This comes to my mind often during these lessons. I think of the great faith that we had and all of those throughout the country and world - both friends and family we knew and friends and family members of our friends who were united in prayer. I think of the many prayer rolls around the world which had Tacen name on them. Let me say that I still know without a shadow of a doubt that if Heavenly Father had wanted to perform a miracle and heal Tacen, he could have! However, I also know that Heavenly Father's plan for Tacen and our family was that he return to heaven. Our God is a God of miracles. I know that. But He has a plan for each of us and sometimes part of that is learning to trust him even when the outcome might not be as we might have wished it to be. Yet in the end this plan and the things that occur will help us become who we need to be.  For He sees the beginning from the end.