2 Children Together

Today marks the day that we have officially had Daxon and Iszella here together longer than we had Tacen and Daxon together! Each of these milestones that we make it past are such a blessing. Tacen wasn't very fond of Daxon, but over time he warmed up to the idea of a little brother. One of the many things I missed and felt such a loss over was the fact that all the dreams I had envisioned for Tacen and Daxon in growing up together and having each other were shattered! 

In my mind Daxon was never meant to be the oldest sibling. He was supposed to have Tacen here to show him the ropes, watch out for him and be his big brother. I know that Tacen is still watching out for him from the other side, but its still sad to think about him not being here with Daxon.

When we lost Tacen I knew that I wanted Daxon to have another sibling. When we had Iszella I would have never expected how well Daxon would fill that role. I worried about him and how he would handle it, but he loved her instantly. He adores his sister and she adores him. It's a mutual feeling! Seeing them together continually melts my heart and warms my soul. Seeing them interact and love each other at such a young age has been so rewarding. Hopefully they'll never have to know what its like not having one another. Seeing them together for me has filled a void that has been present since we lost Tacen. I firmly believe every child needs a sibling and I love seeing our children together.  I love knowing that Tacen will always be watching over his siblings and also that Daxon and Iszella have each other together now. It's been so hard seeing Daxon longing to have a friend to play with or loving playing with friends and knowing that Tacen should be here for him. They should be little buddies, arguing no doubt, but little buddies all the same. 

I'm unbelievable grateful we are able to have Daxon and Iszella together! I'm grateful they are healthy and doing well and we are able to watch them growing and see their ever budding relationship. I have been a little extra anxious for Iszella to grow up so that she can play with Daxon and I can see them having a relationship that we didn't get to see through with Tacen and Daxon. Yet they already love each other and interact so well at such a young age. Hooray for making it past another milestone!

Primary Program

Sunday (10.26.14) was our primary program in our ward. There is one Sunday a year where the children give small speaking parts and sing songs for our congregation. I adore the primary program. It's always so cute to see the kids giving their parts and hearing them sing. Children have a special spirit about them.
Yesterday as the children were going up to begin the program I was hit with the realization that Tacen should have been up there. He should be a sunbeam (the class he would be in) and he should have been in the program. We haven't had a lot of significant milestones that we've missed yet and I know they'll be coming as time passes, but this one really hit me.  I spent much of the program with tears streaming down my face just missing Tacen and thinking about how he should have been up there with other children. It's those small milestones that seem to creep up sometimes. The realization of the fact that in this life they won't happen is hard to take some days. For me yesterday was one of those days.
I know my emotions and feelings are raw and we approach the 2nd anniversary of Tacen passing this week and that didn't add to the emotions of it all. I found out later that day that it was also the primary program in our old ward in Memphis. So if we had stayed there or moved here it would have been his first primary program either way.
I wish I could have been a beaming parent as I watched him go up to the pulpit and give his part. I wish that I could have watched him up there singing the songs. Pointing out to Daxon where he was up there. It would have been so much fun to see. But for now that won't be my reality. For now I will hold onto the memories that I have and cherish the times that Daxon talks about Tacen. I will help his siblings to know him. Because he is still my son. He is still their brother. We are still a family. We will have days where we miss him more than others and there will be milestones we realize we are missing.