Change is Inevitable

We are getting ready to make a big move across the country at the end of the summer. We are also preparing to welcome a new baby into our family in just a few short months. These are some big family changes coming our way. Our little Dax will be two in a couple months and is quickly approaching the age of Tacen when he passed away. With this happening he will be wearing many of the clothes that Tacen wore not long before he passed away. Many of the clothes that we have so many wonderful memories of Tacen wearing.  Yesterday morning (2.18.14) it was a warm enough day I wanted to put Daxon in a short sleeve shirt. I went into Tacen's room to get him one and it was surprisingly more difficult than I expected! Tears began streaming down my face as I thought of Tacen in the shirts I was looking at hanging in "his" closet! It brought a lot of unexpected emotions.
When Tacen passed away we left everything pretty much the same in his room. We hung his shirts in his closet, left his rocking chair, his blankets, stuffed animals, pictures, etc. It's his room! We've loved referring to it as Tacen's room. We go in his room each evening and have scripture study and prayers with Daxon before he goes to bed. With the anticipation of a new little bundle of joy and with Daxon getting bigger we will soon (less than a month now) be moving him into Tacen's room. It will become his room. I know this is something we need to do, but it's hard at the same time. Cade and I discussed leaving Tacen's things hanging and what not. But with our move across the country whether we take them down now or in 6 months its going to happen. Leaving this home, the last place we were with Tacen, and moving forward in our lives will be very bittersweet. I keep hoping that as we make some small changes along the way maybe the biggest change of all won't be quite so difficult.
I had a precious moment a morning last week. I was looking out over our front yard while outside playing with Dax and thinking just how much I am going to miss this place. I then thought of all the wonderful memories we created with Tacen and the many wonderful things that have come to our family here. To name a couple the addition of Daxon and baby tuey to our family. But mostly I was pondering being able to look and see Tacen in so many places here. I felt the spirit whisper to me that those memories would always be there and he'd always be apart of our lives. He'd always be near. This is something I know, but it that moment it was a sweet tender mercy! I do miss that boy, but I'm thankful each day to have known him, loved him to and know that he is mine forever. Even if we are separated for a short time! Needless to say Change is Inevitable! But I'll do my best to keep smiling, because I know that's what Tacen did!

Each Day is a Blessing

About a week and half before Tacen passed away he started throwing up very inconsistently. That coupled with his regression in walking really alarmed me and Cade. It made no sense! When they began figuring out (as much as they were able to) what was going on they discovered that due to the excess fluid which caused his spine to stroke out, it was pushing up into his brain and causing the part of his brain which told him to throw up to be without oxygen. That is why he was throwing up so very sporadically.
That being said whenever Daxon throws up (it doesn't happen very often thankfully), it sends me back to that time. I worry so much that something bigger is the matter. The Christmas after Tacen passed away we were flying home for the holidays and Daxon threw up once on the plane. It worried Cade and I a great deal.
Yesterday morning Dax threw up. He was really worked up (I was making him sit in his seat to eat breakfast) and I thought he had worked himself up so much he'd thrown up. When he threw up again a couple hours later I began to think that was something ailing him. Long story short he had the stomach flu. He threw up 4 times yesterday, but is doing well today(thank the heavens)!
You see when Tacen was throwing up I never in my wildest dreams would have linked it to what was really causing it. Kids throw up. Adults throw up (I have been throwing up for the past 4 months straight)! So when Tacen began throwing up I didn't think anything of it. However, after all we went through with Tacen my bubble of security isn't as big as it used to be. Therefore, when Daxon throws up, I immediately worry! You see I need him! I need him desperately! He's my little sunspot in my cloudiest of days and he's my little sunspot in my happiest of days. He brings me so much light and joy!
Losing Tacen has really opened my eyes to how fragile life really is. Overall, I have learned a great deal from this. I have been stretched! Most days its so much easier for me to let the mess slide, the house not be as clean as I might like it. I give in to Daxon, because some battles just aren't worth fighting. I know how fast things can change and that has brought new perspective in my life.
Bottom line is no matter how frustrated I can get with how strong-will and tempered my cute Daxon is or how tired he may make me. I love him. I need him! I hate seeing him sick! I hate worrying about losing him! But I love him! He's one of Heavenly Father's greatest blessings and tender mercies in my life. I really don't think I would have gotten to this point after losing Tacen without him. So each day he's healthy. Each day he walks and runs and is just my normal little boy! I am thankful! Because each day is a blessing!

Thinking on the Ressurection

Cade and I were reading together the other evening for our couple's scripture study and we were reading in Doctrine and Covenants section 88 verse 97 really stuck out to me! In the verses right before this they are talking of the second coming and what will commence! Verse 97 reads:

97 And they who have slept in their graves shall come forth, for their graves shall be opened; and they also shall be caught up to meet him in the midst of the pillar of heaven--

 (D&C 88:97)

Also, I remember the talk Like A Broken Vessel by Elder Holland, being given in October 2013 General Conference. When it was given the part below stood out to me. We went over this in our Relief Society lesson last Sunday and again this part stood out to me.

"I testify of the holy Resurrection, that unspeakable cornerstone gift in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ! With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that which was sown in corruption will one day be raised in incorruption and that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”12 Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another,”13  (Like a Broken Vessel)"

I love reading things like this and thinking of my sweet Tacen coming forth and being able to see him again! I also enjoy thinking about how he'll be able to walk and run without restraint. He won't have the mortal struggles he faced in this life! What a beautiful picture that paints in my mind!  I'm so very grateful for the knowledge I find in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For my testimony not only of eternal families, but also of the resurrection and the glorious day when I can be reunited with my son in his perfected state! What a blessing to have modern day prophets and the gospel restored! 

Brothers...Even if Separated

As a family we have watched the below video more than a dozen times. Daxon loves it and laughs along with Tacen for being so silly in the mud.

The other morning (12.13.13) Daxon was playing in my bathtub while I was getting ready for the day. He started laughing and it got my attention. I looked over and knew instantly what he was doing and that he was impersonating the above video of Tacen.

It's these precious little moments that I love! Seeing Daxon follow after his big brother in simple, but small ways helps me to know that Tacen is influencing his brother from afar. They'll always be brothers even if they don't get to be together right now and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm so thankful that we have a beautiful guardian angel in our sweet Tacen watching over Daxon and all of us. And I'm so glad that Tacen's silly ways can show up in the most unexpected of times just like his little brother impersonating a video he had seen before. Love my boys! I love that heaven is so much closer than I often realize and I'm so lucky that I have these little reminders every so often!

It's been a Tacen day

This morning Daxon discovered Finn (This was Tacen's favorite car, but we actually burried him with his and this a replacement car) sitting on Tacen's shelf in the living room. He wanted to play with it. As we were sitting by the front window in the kitchen waving good bye to Dad as he left for school, Daxon began to push the Finn car in the window sill. I instantly went back to Tacen who not only LOVED this car, but would be found frequently driving cars in the window sill. Tears filled my eyes as I thought of a sweet similarity for that small moment in my boys who I often think are so vastly different most days. I consider these moments tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father and a reminder that Tacen is near!
Some pictures of Tacen driving his cars in the window sill and one of Dax too!

As the day went on Daxon pulled down Tacen's baby book from G'ma Sue and began looking through it saying, Mommy, Dad, Papa and Baby (we are still working on Grandma). As we were looking through his book after the Finn experience it again brought me to tears thinking of my sweet boy and just missing him.
Later in the day I got the mail and a package had arrived for something I had order. Long story short she had found this blog and Tacen's story and was touched by his story. She'd sent me a gold T initial necklace. This is a woman I do not know at all and her thoughtfulness amazed me! I have continually throughout the process of losing Tacen and missing him been amazed at the kindness of others! I love the necklace and I love that we often used to call Tacen - "T."
Tacen has filled my thoughts today. For me it is good to take a day now and then to miss him a little extra. To let the tears flow freely. To think of our sweet boy and just be in the middle of it all. I probably don't take the time for this often enough, but I find the days I do to be very therapeutic. So thinking of you a little extra today Tacen! Loving you always!

Having Faith

I have been having some thoughts in relation to an article I read recently in the Ensign as well as some lessons we have recently in Sunday School or Relief Society. The talk was taken from a CES Talk given by Elder David A. Bednar That We Might "Not...Shrink" (D&C 19:18)

In the article I read it tells of a young couple John 23 and Heather 20 who just 3 weeks after being sealed in the temple found out that John had cancer and the prospect was not good.  Elder Bednar visited them and this is something that he shared:

I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”
...We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength....
...John continued: “Having the faith not to be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father’s plan for us. We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be. As we prayed, our petitions changed from ‘Please make me whole’ to ‘Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.’

There are parts of this story that I relate to. I appreciated this perspective coming from an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ because so many times the stories we do hear are those of healing, but that's not the plan for all of us. And you know what that's ok too.

Often in church we talk about being healed. We talk about having enough faith to be healed. That if we have enough faith and we are worthy we will be healed. Things of that nature. Please let me state that I completely believe this to be true. However, there are times in our lives regardless of our faith, regardless of the number of faithful people united in prayer and fasting for a cause (such as our sweet Tacen) that Heavenly Father's will is not for this person to be healed. This comes to my mind often during these lessons. I think of the great faith that we had and all of those throughout the country and world - both friends and family we knew and friends and family members of our friends who were united in prayer. I think of the many prayer rolls around the world which had Tacen name on them. Let me say that I still know without a shadow of a doubt that if Heavenly Father had wanted to perform a miracle and heal Tacen, he could have! However, I also know that Heavenly Father's plan for Tacen and our family was that he return to heaven. Our God is a God of miracles. I know that. But He has a plan for each of us and sometimes part of that is learning to trust him even when the outcome might not be as we might have wished it to be. Yet in the end this plan and the things that occur will help us become who we need to be.  For He sees the beginning from the end.

And then there were 3...

We are expecting our third child, due May 24, 2014.

This was not a decision we came to lightly! We've been so nervous that we might lose Daxon to the same thing that took our sweet Tacen. From the moment he started walking we began watching him like hawks! Each time he'd fall we wonder if that was developmentally normal. Tace had his first regression around 14 months, so we knew we'd need to watch Dax then and when he started teething molars. 

We've watched and thankfully he has done so well mobility wise! I really need Daxon in my life! He's our sun spot! We are certain we'll never feel 100% in the clear, but we are thankful each day to see Daxon developing so well!

We started talking about adding another child. When we were in Utah for Tacen's services I remember feeling overcome with the fact that all I wanted was to have a family and grow old and be surrounded by the ones I love. I understood then that would require us to have more children. We'd always wanted more children. I knew I desperately wanted Dax to have a sibling here! 

As summer came and our discussion  became more serious our fears and concerns arose! With much prayer, fasting and thought we finally found the comfort we desperately needed to move forward. 

Our fears of losing another precious child will always be there! But for now we are putting faith in a loving Heavenly Father and his plan for us and our family! He continues to give us the comfort we need! 

After we found out we were expecting this precious baby I soon realized how scared I was to want this! Because wanting it would make it all the harder on me to lose it. Sometimes it still feels easier to act nonchalant about this pregnancy then to let myself feel the desire we have for another child! 

Not a day goes by that we don't think of Tacen and miss him! There will never be anything that can replace him nor would we want there to be! We love that little boy and are so thankful he's apart of our eternal family! I like to think of him up there with baby tuey(what we will call this one til he/she arrives). I wonder about what they are doing and if Tace is telling him/her nice things about our family! It helps me realize Heaven isn't so far away! So here we are excited and nervous that we are adding to our family!
So far this pregnancy I have been a lot sicker than with the previous two, but things are going well. I always count the blessing of at least knowing if I'm still not feeling well then the baby is still in there making me feel yucky. We've had two appointments and things are looking and sounding (heartbeat of 165bpm) good. We feel very blessed to have this opportunity to add to our family and feel the hand of our Father in Heaven guiding us!