T's Room

Saturday evening (3.8.14) we boxed up Tacen's things in his room and packed up a few more things to get it ready to move Daxon in there. I'd been mentally preparing myself for this for a few weeks. We had discussed it and knew it was inevitable. I'm thankful that this wasn't something we had to do right after Tacen passed away, that would have been way too difficult. I've loved going in T's room and talking to him or thinking of him. 

On the flipside, Daxon is big enough to move in there and we are preparing for baby tuey which means we need to nursery for her. I wanted to make this a happy thing as much as we could. Happy things are happening. Daxon is that big. He's almost as old as T was when he passed away. We are so excited to be welcoming another sweet child into our family. These are happy things. Most of all Tacen will never leave our hearts! Even if his things aren't hanging in his room, it doesn't mean that he's gone. 

Yet, even with all the mental preparation it was still tough. It's just not fair that we don't get to have Tacen with us right now. Plain and simple! We miss him always. Time has softened the ache, but it never goes away. It's such a confusing mix of feelings being so happy to have Daxon, to see his progress and love him so much. To be so excited about Baby Tuey and her becoming a part of our family. Yet, through it all it doesn't replace the hole that's there where Tacen should be. I still love him. He's still my son and nothing will ever replace that.  You can love and be so excited for what you do have and still feel that loss and ache. 

So many silly things can trigger the ache. Seeing the children his age turning 4 and knowing that he should be here about to be a 4 year old. Seeing Daxon interact with other children and thinking about the fun they would have had together.  It's the little things I long for. 

But what I learned from it all is that taking down Tacen's things doesn't take him down out of our hearts. He's forever there and we will forever love him! Some day when we have the space we plan to make a Tacen room and hang his things and have a room "ready" for him whenever the 2nd coming comes. I have a feeling this will be a very special room in our home. Until then we will remember and hold on. 

Talking about Tacen

I've had some experiences over the past almost year and a half that have taught me how I like to talk about Tace! I had one experience about 3-3 1/2 months after Tacen passed away. I was with a woman and her child who I knew, knew of our situation and one I was unsure of. Most of our visit I sat there wanting to talk about Tacen and experiences I had enjoyed while raising him as the other moms talked about normal experiences with two year olds.

I sat rather uncomfortable and saddened as I was unsure to bring him up or not. Then it hit me bring him up already! He's a big part of my life! I learned that day and a few others that for me it's best to talk about him. I need that.

As a side note I'm used to the distressed looks or sad eyes I receive when someone finds out for the first time about Tace. But what I'm so grateful for is the people around me who know our situation who lived through it with us, whether literally or were just in our lives at the time, who let me talk about Tacen. The ones who don't get all sad and treat me differently because I brought him up! 

You see he's no different than any other child with the exception that his time on earth was short and now for a season we are separated!
He was a normal baby who we had to let cry it out so we could survive the days.

He was a normal baby/toddler who had foods he liked and didn't like. He was a normal child who had meltdowns and pitched fits when things didn't go his way.

He was a normal boy who liked to watch TV and play with his toys! He was a normal boy who was drawn to dirt, mud, water, etc. Because he was a normal boy!

Because he is an important part of my life!  Because he lived! Because I NEVER want to forget him! Because he's my child, I want to talk about him and I'm so grateful when I can!  I'm grateful when those around me let me do so and don't have to make it a horrible, sad thing every time I mention his name! Because he was such a happy boy and I want to talk about that. That's a happy thing! He's a happy memory and I just want to share a small part of the joy he brought into my life by making me a mother and be happy that he lived as I remember all the "normal" parts of motherhood he allowed me to experience! 

Dreaming...

Last night I had a dream that Tacen was back with us. In my dream he had come back and he was 28 months and it was right now because Dax was 22 months. I was so excited to see him again. I was worried about how I would split my time with he and Daxon knowing that I just wanted to hold him and never let him go! The boys were only 6 months apart in age. They were wearing the same size clothes and both in diapers. It was like having twins, but having missed the reality of it over the last 2 years.
When I awoke this morning I couldn't get the idea out of my mind. Often when I think of Tacen still being with us I picture him being 3.5 years old like he would have been, but thinking of him being almost the same age of Daxon brought new thoughts and ideas.
It was fun for me to think about it for a while. I sat and thought about the fact that we are planning to move Daxon in to Tacen's room in the next month or so. I thought about how we would have done that. I remembered how Tace used to fall asleep in front of the door and thought about he and Dax in there falling asleep in front of the door together. We would need another car seat and booster chair for dinner.
I also thought of how jealous the boys would be of each other. I could just see them both wanting myself or Cade. I mentioned this to Cade and he said we'd all wrestle!
I thought of the chaos that would ensue in our lives over the coming months as we prepare to add this sweet baby girl to our family, but how we would go from having one hear to three in a matter of a few short months.
I thought of how much Daxon would love to have Tacen to play with and after they both adjusted to each other how much fun they would have together! I could just picture them being the best of friends!
Most of all I thought of how wonderful it would be to have our little family all together! I thought about how it would be an adjustment. How our days would probably be crazy, but how wonderful they would be! I thought about how above all else that's what I long for the most in life. I long to have our sweet Tacen here with us and have our family together, even if that means it would be utterly chaotic. We'd adapt and it would be oh so wonderful!
It was such a pleasant dream, I almost didn't want to wake up from it. I know that someday we'll have the chance to be together again, but until then sometimes it's nice to get caught up in a dream. To think of what our lives might be like and to enjoy the thought of it all! Because even though I am so thankful for the many wonderful blessing I have in my life. Even though I honestly love my life. I will always long to have Tacen here with us. I will always miss him. He will always be apart of our family!

Getting through the hard days

I've been thinking a lot lately about getting caught up in the hard days of having small children. I understand it's entirely inevitable some days. I sadly still have my days where I am less than patience with Dax and I always feel sad when that happens. I also understand that this is natural and normal. We are in fact human! 

You see I had many a "hard" day the 6 months I was blessed to have both my boys here together on earth! Tacen had many difficult days and was up and down in his walking and abilities. You add to that a fuss ball baby of Dax and I had my struggles. Thankfully, another tender mercy, the spirit whispered to me often stop and enjoy this right now! I did my best although I was and continue to be far from perfect in my efforts. What I may have deemed "hard" at that time in my life were some of the most wonderful days of having our small family of 4 all together here on earth. They are precious days I will always cherish!

My sweet sister-in-law Christina sent me a link to The Sullengers blog. http://www.sullengers.com/

I started going through their blog and story. There is something comforting and therapeutic for me read through stories similar to ours. As I read through one particular part stuck out to me from this post:

"For all of you who have lost a child, or who will in the future, I'm not going to pretend it isn't the most painful and difficult thing I've ever experienced. I've always wanted to be a mother, and have loved every single moment. To all the mom's out there I think you're simply amazing. I don't think we realize how much time we give up, and how much we love doing what we do for our children. To revert back to only having myself and Patrick to think about is difficult. It's painful to wake up each morning to silence and not hearing Preslee call out "mama." I miss the long stroller walks and reading her books. I miss the tender moments I had with her saying her nightly prayers right before bed. I even miss the tantrums thrown in public. :) I miss everything about that little girl. Again, it's so difficult to go back being consumed with myself, and not focused on Preslee.

President Thomas S. Monson, stated: “I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.” 

That's what being a mother is, it's service. That's why it brings so much joy. So tonight, when you've had a long day and your kids are on your nerves, realize how much different you would be without them."

After reading this I was again filled with thoughts of how grateful I am we had little Daxon. I say often he's probably the biggest reason I got "through" the days following Tacen passing away. He was my purpose! I often think why were we so lucky to have had him here with is during this difficult time. 

One thing I've thought of is how special Daxon is and how his smile and vivacious ways were needed in our family at that time. There was a dramatic change in Daxon in the month before and after Tacen passed away. I believe he knew what was happening! He's our sun spot!

Secondly, because of the nature of Tacen's condition and the fact that we still don't know what he passed away from it would have made for a difficult decision to have more children(it still has been), but being able to watch Daxon grow and develop normally has been such a comfort and reassurance to us. Again we needed him!

My point in all of this is, it's easy to get caught up in hard days with small children. This has been on my mind a lot lately. However, you can never get those days back and there is no guarantee in life! I would do anything to still have Tacen here with us! Daxon loves friends right now and I desperately wish he could have Tacen here as his best friend! But I know that was not the plan for our family and I move forward with faith each day. But because of my sweet Tacen I will always carry a different outlook on life. It's too short and I want to do my best to enjoy each day! I want to hold Daxon a little closer, let him play in the mud a little more and try to cherish each day we have together, the good, the bad and the ugly because you just never know! Because I love being a mother and because I love my boys with all my heart! 

Change is Inevitable

We are getting ready to make a big move across the country at the end of the summer. We are also preparing to welcome a new baby into our family in just a few short months. These are some big family changes coming our way. Our little Dax will be two in a couple months and is quickly approaching the age of Tacen when he passed away. With this happening he will be wearing many of the clothes that Tacen wore not long before he passed away. Many of the clothes that we have so many wonderful memories of Tacen wearing.  Yesterday morning (2.18.14) it was a warm enough day I wanted to put Daxon in a short sleeve shirt. I went into Tacen's room to get him one and it was surprisingly more difficult than I expected! Tears began streaming down my face as I thought of Tacen in the shirts I was looking at hanging in "his" closet! It brought a lot of unexpected emotions.
When Tacen passed away we left everything pretty much the same in his room. We hung his shirts in his closet, left his rocking chair, his blankets, stuffed animals, pictures, etc. It's his room! We've loved referring to it as Tacen's room. We go in his room each evening and have scripture study and prayers with Daxon before he goes to bed. With the anticipation of a new little bundle of joy and with Daxon getting bigger we will soon (less than a month now) be moving him into Tacen's room. It will become his room. I know this is something we need to do, but it's hard at the same time. Cade and I discussed leaving Tacen's things hanging and what not. But with our move across the country whether we take them down now or in 6 months its going to happen. Leaving this home, the last place we were with Tacen, and moving forward in our lives will be very bittersweet. I keep hoping that as we make some small changes along the way maybe the biggest change of all won't be quite so difficult.
I had a precious moment a morning last week. I was looking out over our front yard while outside playing with Dax and thinking just how much I am going to miss this place. I then thought of all the wonderful memories we created with Tacen and the many wonderful things that have come to our family here. To name a couple the addition of Daxon and baby tuey to our family. But mostly I was pondering being able to look and see Tacen in so many places here. I felt the spirit whisper to me that those memories would always be there and he'd always be apart of our lives. He'd always be near. This is something I know, but it that moment it was a sweet tender mercy! I do miss that boy, but I'm thankful each day to have known him, loved him to and know that he is mine forever. Even if we are separated for a short time! Needless to say Change is Inevitable! But I'll do my best to keep smiling, because I know that's what Tacen did!

Each Day is a Blessing

About a week and half before Tacen passed away he started throwing up very inconsistently. That coupled with his regression in walking really alarmed me and Cade. It made no sense! When they began figuring out (as much as they were able to) what was going on they discovered that due to the excess fluid which caused his spine to stroke out, it was pushing up into his brain and causing the part of his brain which told him to throw up to be without oxygen. That is why he was throwing up so very sporadically.
That being said whenever Daxon throws up (it doesn't happen very often thankfully), it sends me back to that time. I worry so much that something bigger is the matter. The Christmas after Tacen passed away we were flying home for the holidays and Daxon threw up once on the plane. It worried Cade and I a great deal.
Yesterday morning Dax threw up. He was really worked up (I was making him sit in his seat to eat breakfast) and I thought he had worked himself up so much he'd thrown up. When he threw up again a couple hours later I began to think that was something ailing him. Long story short he had the stomach flu. He threw up 4 times yesterday, but is doing well today(thank the heavens)!
You see when Tacen was throwing up I never in my wildest dreams would have linked it to what was really causing it. Kids throw up. Adults throw up (I have been throwing up for the past 4 months straight)! So when Tacen began throwing up I didn't think anything of it. However, after all we went through with Tacen my bubble of security isn't as big as it used to be. Therefore, when Daxon throws up, I immediately worry! You see I need him! I need him desperately! He's my little sunspot in my cloudiest of days and he's my little sunspot in my happiest of days. He brings me so much light and joy!
Losing Tacen has really opened my eyes to how fragile life really is. Overall, I have learned a great deal from this. I have been stretched! Most days its so much easier for me to let the mess slide, the house not be as clean as I might like it. I give in to Daxon, because some battles just aren't worth fighting. I know how fast things can change and that has brought new perspective in my life.
Bottom line is no matter how frustrated I can get with how strong-will and tempered my cute Daxon is or how tired he may make me. I love him. I need him! I hate seeing him sick! I hate worrying about losing him! But I love him! He's one of Heavenly Father's greatest blessings and tender mercies in my life. I really don't think I would have gotten to this point after losing Tacen without him. So each day he's healthy. Each day he walks and runs and is just my normal little boy! I am thankful! Because each day is a blessing!

Thinking on the Ressurection

Cade and I were reading together the other evening for our couple's scripture study and we were reading in Doctrine and Covenants section 88 verse 97 really stuck out to me! In the verses right before this they are talking of the second coming and what will commence! Verse 97 reads:

97 And they who have slept in their graves shall come forth, for their graves shall be opened; and they also shall be caught up to meet him in the midst of the pillar of heaven--

 (D&C 88:97)

Also, I remember the talk Like A Broken Vessel by Elder Holland, being given in October 2013 General Conference. When it was given the part below stood out to me. We went over this in our Relief Society lesson last Sunday and again this part stood out to me.

"I testify of the holy Resurrection, that unspeakable cornerstone gift in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ! With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that which was sown in corruption will one day be raised in incorruption and that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”12 Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another,”13  (Like a Broken Vessel)"

I love reading things like this and thinking of my sweet Tacen coming forth and being able to see him again! I also enjoy thinking about how he'll be able to walk and run without restraint. He won't have the mortal struggles he faced in this life! What a beautiful picture that paints in my mind!  I'm so very grateful for the knowledge I find in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For my testimony not only of eternal families, but also of the resurrection and the glorious day when I can be reunited with my son in his perfected state! What a blessing to have modern day prophets and the gospel restored!