"I Miss Tacen"

Daxon has been talking about Tacen a lot lately. We took some flowers and one of our Tonka trucks down to put on his headstone for Memorial Day. It's a truck a good friend of ours, Brenda, gave us and Daxon loves playing with it. He was not happy that we took it down to the cemetery. I think he was concerned we were leaving it there permanently. We tried our best to explain to him that we would get it back. When we got home Daxon announced, "Mom, we need to go get my yellow truck, because Tacen doesn't like it!"

We were down in Moab over the weekend a couple different times Daxon said things like, "When Tacen comes back from heaven then I'll play with him." He's been talking a lot about Tacen coming back from heaven. It makes me happy to hear him talking about him.
We've talked about how Tacen is his big brother and different things lately and I really feel like he's getting it. So today I went in his room after his nap and found him sitting on his bed laying his head on the back of his bed frame. He looked at me and said, "I miss Tacen!" He had his new yellow truck in his closet and hopped down to get it out. I sat on the floor to help him out. He looked at me and said, "I want Tacen to come back from Heaven." I tried to explain that he was in heaven with Heavenly Father and Jesus. Daxon went on to say, "Maybe I can look out the window and Jesus can drop him off!" At this point my heart about broke. We haven't really had to experience this part of grief up front with our kids. I didn't know what to say. I sat crying feeling so sorry that Daxon was hurting and missing his brother, not understanding where he is or why he can't come back from heaven. It was a sad reminder that losing our sweet Tacen is something that isn't going to go away. It's something that will always be apart of our lives. Not only do I miss him, but my children miss him. They want to have him here and play with him. I'm grateful that Daxon is beginning to know him, but I wish he was here to play with him. I wish he could come back from heaven! I also wish I had all the answers to make this easier!

Comforting Words

We recently had the chance in our church to listen to General Conference. This is a time when our leaders speak to us.  There were many great and wonderful talks! I look forward to being able to go back and read through them and learn more, but there were two that stuck out to me and I wanted to share a few and how they related to me and our loss of sweet Tacen.

The first talk was given by President Henry B. Eyring first counselor in the first presidency.  He was speaking of a family who had lost a 5 year old boy and he said:

"The father and the mother of the little boy bore witness of the Savior that evening in my living room. The Holy Ghost came, and all were comforted. The parents were strengthened. The burden of grief did not disappear, but they were made able to bear the sorrow. Their faith increased. And their strength will continue to grow as they ask for it and live for it."

I have been there and I know the feeling of having my faith increased. I know that the burden of grieving has never gone away, but I have been made able to bear it!

He goes on to say:

"I saw this miracle of comfort as I arrived outside the chapel where the funeral of the little boy was to be held. I was stopped by a lovely young woman I did not recognize. She said that she was coming to the funeral to mourn and to give comfort if she could.

She said that she had come to the funeral in part for comfort for herself. She told me that her first child had died recently. She was carrying in her arms a beautiful little girl. I leaned toward her to look into the little girl’s smiling face. I asked the baby’s mother, “What is her name?” Her quick and cheerful answer was “Her name is Joy. Joy always comes after sorrow.”"

I have again seen this in my life. I miss Tacen and always will, but we have been so blessed and had so much joy in our lives since he passed away. Having Daxon and Iszella brings me more joy than I can describe! They truly are part of our joy after our sorrow! We have been blessed throughout this journey of losing Tacen by our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. They have carried me through and continue to do so when I think I can not carry myself!

The other talk that really touched me was that of Elder Andersen's "Thy Kingdom Come"

"Our faith grows as we anticipate the glorious day of the Savior’s return to the earth. The thought of His coming stirs my soul. It will be breathtaking! The scope and grandeur, the vastness and magnificence, will exceed anything mortal eyes have ever seen or experienced.

In that day He will not come “wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger,”²³ but He will appear “in the clouds of heaven, clothed with power and great glory; with all the holy angels.”²⁴ We will hear “the voice of the archangel, and … the trump of God.”²⁵ The sun and the moon will be transformed, and “stars [will] be hurled from their places.”²⁶ You and I, or those who follow us, “the saints … from [every quarter] of the earth,”²⁷ “shall be quickened and … caught up to meet him,”²⁸  and those who have died in righteousness, they too will “be caught up to meet him in the midst … of heaven.”²⁹

Then, a seemingly impossible experience: “All flesh,” the Lord says, “shall see me together.”³⁰ How will it happen? We do not know. But I testify it will happen—exactly as prophesied. We will kneel in reverence, “and the Lord shall utter his voice, and all the ends of the earth shall hear it.”³¹ “It shall be … as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder.”³² “[Then] the Lord, … the Savior, shall stand in the midst of his people.”³³

There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth.³⁴ But most important, as Isaiah declares, “All the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God,”³⁵ and He “shall reign over all flesh.”^36"

I often find myself dreaming about the second coming and what it will be like. What it will be like for our Savior to reign on the earth. For the peace he will bring and for the chance to see my sweet Tacen again. I love the picture that Elder Andersen paints in my mind "There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth!" Oh my glorious that will be! I can not wait! I am so thankful for the living prophets on the earth that lead and guide our church today. They strengthen me! I could not have survived losing a child without my faith and testimony of this gospel restored on the earth today! It makes me a better person. It strengthens me! It helps me to be so much more than I could be on my own!