Celebrating T

We had so much fun seeing our family and friends celebrating T with us. We received pictures of people letting off balloons and also playing in the water. Both were perfect in remembering Tacen with us. We appreciate so much those who celebrated with us and shared their pictures or sent kind words on his special day! We are so blessed to be surrounded by so many who show us so much love! We hope Tacen caught a few of the balloons that were sent up his way!

A Tacen Day

July 2, 2014 - Tacen's 4th birthday. We had a good, but hard day, as was expected! We got up that day and had breakfast, banana pancakes, Tacen liked pancakes. Then we got ready and headed out to the splash park in Collierville. This was a favorite of Tacen's. Really anything with water brought a huge smile on his face!!! He always loved the water!

We had fun running around in the water and playing with Daxon. He enjoyed it. Sweet Iszella just slept in her carseat until it was time to eat. Then she ate and hung out in the front carrier, she was a trooper especially in the heat!  We ended off at the park before heading home for naps.

During nap time Cade picked up some blue balloons and we got showered. Once Daxon got up we headed into Lebonhuer. We went up to Bunny Lane and dropped off the toys our friends and family had given us to donate. I sadly didn't take any pictures.
We decided while we were at Le Bonhuer that we'd go to our Neurologist, Dr. Fulton's office and pick up Tacen's medical records. Dr. Fulton had also asked us to periodically give him an update on how Daxon was doing, since we never did find out what exactly Tacen had and there's no guarantee our other children won't have the same thing. Cade had been wanted to email Dr. Fulton a video showing how incredibly mobile Daxon really is.
While we were there I thought of our nurse, Lana who was a great connection in getting messages to Dr. Fulton and helping us get past the front desk. Cade asked for her or Dr. Fulton and she came out. We explained that we wanted to see if we could get an email or something to show Dr. Fulton Daxon. She proceeded to say, "oh, he's right here let me go get him!" They both came back out. They both remembered us well (which is slightly surprising since it had been almost two years since we'd been in and I'm certain they've seen 100's if not 1000's of patients)! We sat and talked with Dr. Fulton for an hour!
He was so pleased to see how well Daxon was doing and kept saying, "I'm so glad to see him doing so well." He's expecting a baby himself in a month or two. First child! We talked about that and our plans to move. We talked about Tacen. I mentioned the article I had seen about the children in California with their cells being slightly swollen and wondered if that was at all similar to Tacen. He said the symptoms might have been similiar, but the cause wouldn't have been. It was great to see Dr. Fulton again. He is such a kind, humble, intelligent man! We were so lucky to have him as Tacen's Dr. He even told me that he still had a note on his desk that nurse Lana had written when we called to ask some questions before Tacen was hospitalized. He said he just couldn't bring himself to throw it away, sentimental reasons. What a wonderful man. It was really lovely to see him and really added to our Tacen day!
After Le Bonhuer we came home and had Italian Chicken for dinner with rice. In honor of Tacen loving rice, then we blew out the candles on Tacen's cake, let off the balloons and enjoyed the cake while watching our Tacen video and picture slide show we made. We reminisced about our sweet boy. We miss him and wish so much that he was still here with, but we will be eternally grateful for the way he touched our lives and that we will be with him again. It was a nice day to remember our special boy and celebrate him!

Happy 4th Birthday

Four years ago today our sweet Tacen was born into this world! He made me a mother! He came after 5 1/2 hours of labor including an hour of pushing! He was a beautiful, healthy 8 lb 9 oz baby boy, with a full head of dark brown hair and rolls right from the start! Fireworks went off outside the hospital not long after he was born! It was the beginning of a beautiful journey!

After experiencing all the firsts in the first year Tacen was gone from our life I realized for me his birthday is the hardest! It's a day when we should be celebrating him! He should be here another year older! I should be recording the things he's learned and how he's grown, the milestones we've hit! Yet, for right now he's not here doing those mortal things and on his birthday especially that flat out stinks!!!! 

I thought October would be difficult thinking of the days and weeks leading up to his death, but for me nothing will be harder than the year I actually experienced it! October didn't seems so bad. 

So on Tacen's birthday we think of him! We are planning to spend the day together as a family doing Tacen things! I asked Cade to take a personal day and spend the day with us. I knew I could face the day better with him by my side!  If you knew Tace you knew he loved water! It always brought a smile to his face! We'll be playing in water, dropping off some gifts to Bunny Lane and having a dinner with rice (another favorite we often called Tacen our sumo wrestler) and ending the day with cake and letting off four blue balloons to send to Tacen to heaven!

It's hard not to miss our sweet boy! His sweet smile and amazing snuggles. It's hard not to think what might have been if he was still here with us. I often try to picture what it might be like! Although, as hard as I try I won't know. I have many sweet memories of Tacen that I hold dear to my heart, but I can no longer recall what it was like to have him here with us. I miss him!

Yet, reality is that he's not here! So on this, your fourth birthday, we celebrate you T! We know you're closer than we realize! We feel you watching out for us! We'll always miss you until we are together again! But we know you've got something important to do! We think of you often! Thanks for giving me the chance to be your mom! I know I was far from perfect, but I did my best! I always felt your love and that was more than enough of a reward to keeping trying! Now buddy I'm still trying to become better so I can be with you again some day! Until that day, I love you! Happy birthday sweet boy!

Fast Approaching - T's 4th Birthday

Tacen's 4th birthday is almost here. We will be letting off 4 blue balloons in his honor and wanted to again invite anyone who would like to participate with us. We'd love for you to share his special day and we'd love to see pictures.

Last year we also took some gifts to Bunny Lane at Le Bonhuer Hospital and donated them in Tacen's name. This was one of the last things that brought a smile to Tacen's face and a really positive memory we have of him at the hospital. If anyone wants to donate to that you're welcome to join in as well. We are hoping to deliver them on his birthday July 2nd! 

Heavenly Father Knows What We Need

Over the past few weeks I have felt such an overwhelming sense of peace. It's as if Iszella has filled a void. A void I knew was there because Tacen was gone, but I didn't realize how much having two children here again could make me feel so fulfilled! There is no way Iszella could ever replace Tacen. I still have an ache and hole in my heart. I still miss Tacen. We always will until we are together again, but I have been amazed at the pure joy Iszella has brought with her arrival in our family! 

I was out walking with Iszella in the stroller behind Cade and Daxon on bikes. I sat smiling realizing I had all that I needed right there! Of course there will always be more that I want. Most especially Tacen, but I know where he is and I know I can move forward without him here. So with that being something I can't change. I know that I have all I need in Cade, Daxon and Iszella. They bring so much love into my life. These two kids bring so much joy to my days.

Iszella has been such a sweet, calm baby. She handles her brothers numerous kisses each. She is just what our family needed right now. It helped me realize the importance of following the spirit by having her when we did even though I might not have felt prepared or ready! Yet she is just what we needed! Heavenly Father has a way of sending us what we need when we need it, if we heed his promptings and follow his plan for us instead of always assuming we know what's best for us. What an enormous blessing!!!
It also got me thinking about how we needed each child when they came to our family. Tacen had so much to teach us in such a short time and we learned so much from being his parents. I know he was meant to come first to our family.
Then there is Daxon. He was fussy and it was hard, but I had Cade around the most after he was born of all of the our three kids. Having Cade around made it easier to handle. Daxon is such a sweet, loving boy. He was so important in our healing process after Tacen passed away. We needed him then.
Now we have Iszella. She brings something different into our family having a little girl. I love watching her daddy and the way he is gentle and soft with her in a different way then he has been with the boys. I love seeing this. Iszella has brought love, peace and an added measure of healing to our hearts and family. I am eternally grateful for these children in my life and what they mean to me! 

Feeling At Peace

When Tacen passed away I longed to have two children again! Naturally I wanted Tace back (I'd still love that)! Even though most days (and nights) had been difficult I'd take it all back in a heartbeat! 

Over the past year and half we've adapted and adjusted! I can truly say I've been happy in our life! There's always (and probably always will be) that feeling of missing Tacen and wishing he was here with us. But in spite of that we've been happy! Daxon makes us so happy! So you can see my reservations and even some anxiety as we began preparing for our new addition. There was excitement, but I was nervous and anxious as well!

Fast forward to the present day! Iszella joined our family and the minute I met her I fell in love (just like I knew I would)! She's sweet! She has similar features to Tacen (but more feminine)! Which is a precious little gift from heaven to see some of T! 

Daxon adores her! He's super curious, but oh so sweet with her. He wants to know where she is and what she's doing. He wants to give her kisses and it's all too cute! 

We've had Iszella here for 6 days! She has filled a void! She'll never replace Tacen. Nothing and no one can, but it feels wonderful to have two children here again! It feels a little more complete. My life feels more full and worthwhile! I feel like to some small extent I'm finally getting back to where I was in life before T passed away! I feel at peace. I know this is where we should be in our lives right now!  I'm grateful for what Iszella has brought to our family! We love her oh so much! I still hold that fear of losing her, I'm sure I always will. Yet, I'm forever grateful for the things she's added to our family! I am grateful for Tacen smiling down on us! 

18 Months

Its been a year and half since our sweet Tacen passed away. In some ways its amazing me to it's been that long and in others it feels like an eternity and I can hardly believe it's ONLY been 18 months.  It's been a year and half since I held my sweet boy in my arms, since I kissed his face, since I smelled his sweaty head, since I sang him, "I Am A Child of God." It's been a year and half since we were together as our family of 4 here on the earth. It's been a year and half since I saw those gorgeous blue eyes, had him kiss me, let me hold him. It's been 18 months since I watched him get into mischief. It's been 18 months since I saw the pure joy on his face as he experienced all life had to offer! It's been a year and half and I still miss him!
It's been a year and half and I have grown. I have changed, learned and become a better version of me. I have become a more patient loving mother to Daxon because of Tacen. It's been 18 months and not a day goes by that I don't miss our little boy! It's been 18 months and I've gotten a lot more used to the reality of living without a child here with me.
Loosing a child is not something you get over, move past or forget. It's been 18 months and I am still learning to live with this. It's been 18 months and we should almost have a 4 year old. This is life after loss.
Yet, I know I am learning. I feel Tacen near often and I know he is with us and watching over us. It's been neat to think about him with his sister up in heaven. I wonder what they talk about and what he tells her. I know he has been watching over me and her throughout this pregnancy, I have felt that.  I am stronger! I am 18 months into our time of separation from Tacen.  I will never stop loving him! I will never stop missing him. He's part of who I am. He has made me better. He has made me strive for more! His love and life is an example to me. I am blessed to be his mother and I know that I can at least make it another year and half, because I've made it this far!