"I Miss Tacen"

Daxon has been talking about Tacen a lot lately. We took some flowers and one of our Tonka trucks down to put on his headstone for Memorial Day. It's a truck a good friend of ours, Brenda, gave us and Daxon loves playing with it. He was not happy that we took it down to the cemetery. I think he was concerned we were leaving it there permanently. We tried our best to explain to him that we would get it back. When we got home Daxon announced, "Mom, we need to go get my yellow truck, because Tacen doesn't like it!"

We were down in Moab over the weekend a couple different times Daxon said things like, "When Tacen comes back from heaven then I'll play with him." He's been talking a lot about Tacen coming back from heaven. It makes me happy to hear him talking about him.
We've talked about how Tacen is his big brother and different things lately and I really feel like he's getting it. So today I went in his room after his nap and found him sitting on his bed laying his head on the back of his bed frame. He looked at me and said, "I miss Tacen!" He had his new yellow truck in his closet and hopped down to get it out. I sat on the floor to help him out. He looked at me and said, "I want Tacen to come back from Heaven." I tried to explain that he was in heaven with Heavenly Father and Jesus. Daxon went on to say, "Maybe I can look out the window and Jesus can drop him off!" At this point my heart about broke. We haven't really had to experience this part of grief up front with our kids. I didn't know what to say. I sat crying feeling so sorry that Daxon was hurting and missing his brother, not understanding where he is or why he can't come back from heaven. It was a sad reminder that losing our sweet Tacen is something that isn't going to go away. It's something that will always be apart of our lives. Not only do I miss him, but my children miss him. They want to have him here and play with him. I'm grateful that Daxon is beginning to know him, but I wish he was here to play with him. I wish he could come back from heaven! I also wish I had all the answers to make this easier!

Comforting Words

We recently had the chance in our church to listen to General Conference. This is a time when our leaders speak to us.  There were many great and wonderful talks! I look forward to being able to go back and read through them and learn more, but there were two that stuck out to me and I wanted to share a few and how they related to me and our loss of sweet Tacen.

The first talk was given by President Henry B. Eyring first counselor in the first presidency.  He was speaking of a family who had lost a 5 year old boy and he said:

"The father and the mother of the little boy bore witness of the Savior that evening in my living room. The Holy Ghost came, and all were comforted. The parents were strengthened. The burden of grief did not disappear, but they were made able to bear the sorrow. Their faith increased. And their strength will continue to grow as they ask for it and live for it."

I have been there and I know the feeling of having my faith increased. I know that the burden of grieving has never gone away, but I have been made able to bear it!

He goes on to say:

"I saw this miracle of comfort as I arrived outside the chapel where the funeral of the little boy was to be held. I was stopped by a lovely young woman I did not recognize. She said that she was coming to the funeral to mourn and to give comfort if she could.

She said that she had come to the funeral in part for comfort for herself. She told me that her first child had died recently. She was carrying in her arms a beautiful little girl. I leaned toward her to look into the little girl’s smiling face. I asked the baby’s mother, “What is her name?” Her quick and cheerful answer was “Her name is Joy. Joy always comes after sorrow.”"

I have again seen this in my life. I miss Tacen and always will, but we have been so blessed and had so much joy in our lives since he passed away. Having Daxon and Iszella brings me more joy than I can describe! They truly are part of our joy after our sorrow! We have been blessed throughout this journey of losing Tacen by our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. They have carried me through and continue to do so when I think I can not carry myself!

The other talk that really touched me was that of Elder Andersen's "Thy Kingdom Come"

"Our faith grows as we anticipate the glorious day of the Savior’s return to the earth. The thought of His coming stirs my soul. It will be breathtaking! The scope and grandeur, the vastness and magnificence, will exceed anything mortal eyes have ever seen or experienced.

In that day He will not come “wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger,”²³ but He will appear “in the clouds of heaven, clothed with power and great glory; with all the holy angels.”²⁴ We will hear “the voice of the archangel, and … the trump of God.”²⁵ The sun and the moon will be transformed, and “stars [will] be hurled from their places.”²⁶ You and I, or those who follow us, “the saints … from [every quarter] of the earth,”²⁷ “shall be quickened and … caught up to meet him,”²⁸  and those who have died in righteousness, they too will “be caught up to meet him in the midst … of heaven.”²⁹

Then, a seemingly impossible experience: “All flesh,” the Lord says, “shall see me together.”³⁰ How will it happen? We do not know. But I testify it will happen—exactly as prophesied. We will kneel in reverence, “and the Lord shall utter his voice, and all the ends of the earth shall hear it.”³¹ “It shall be … as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder.”³² “[Then] the Lord, … the Savior, shall stand in the midst of his people.”³³

There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth.³⁴ But most important, as Isaiah declares, “All the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God,”³⁵ and He “shall reign over all flesh.”^36"

I often find myself dreaming about the second coming and what it will be like. What it will be like for our Savior to reign on the earth. For the peace he will bring and for the chance to see my sweet Tacen again. I love the picture that Elder Andersen paints in my mind "There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth!" Oh my glorious that will be! I can not wait! I am so thankful for the living prophets on the earth that lead and guide our church today. They strengthen me! I could not have survived losing a child without my faith and testimony of this gospel restored on the earth today! It makes me a better person. It strengthens me! It helps me to be so much more than I could be on my own!

Keeping Me Grounded

I have a picture of Tacen as the background on my phone. Often when I'm scrolling between apps or screens I'll stop and look at it. Its amazing how that boy can help me to remember what's really important. If I'm having a hard day, in a bad mood or feeling frustrated with my children, I can look at his sweet, smiling face and it helps me reevaluate. It helps me to slow down and take a second. His pictures help me to remember that I want to be the best me I can. That I want to try my hardest so someday I can be with him again. I love knowing that he's watching out for me and cheering me on to do my best. I love seeing his sweet face in the pictures I have not only on my phone but hanging throughout our home. I am unbelievable grateful for the technology of pictures and movies so I can keep my sweet boy alive in my mind, heart and life! I am thankful for the way he keeps me grounded! Tacen made me a mother, he helped me to grow and learn and he continues to make me a better person! I'm so thankful I get to be his mother! I love you sweet boy!

A New Tacen Picture

A couple weeks ago I went to pick up the mail and inside was an envelop from my dear friend Beth.  She has a daughter getting married soon and I wondered if it was an announcement or invitation or something wedding related. As I opened the envelop, I pulled out a card with a picture of Tacen on it. I sat there stunned! I hadn't seen this picture before! After losing Tacen almost 2.5 years ago I thought I had seen all the pictures taken of him. Tears came to my eyes, tears of joy! I was beyond touched to have a new picture of Tacen after all this time. It's a treasure that I don't often get any more! Beth had this picture printed on a card and inside it explained that this picture was taken at their son's wedding reception. It warmed my heart just looking at it. I love it for so many reasons. Tacen LOVED tractors and anything with a motor! He is wearing is Kiss Me I'm Irish shirt which is one of our favorite shirts on him. His hair is spiked, he has his little brown sandals he wore all the time! It's just a perfect picture! I find myself picking up the card often just to stop and stare at this cute boy of mine who I miss so much! I love having a new little piece of him! A treasure! It's like a gift from him! Love you sweet boy!

Every Dream Fulfilled

The other night I had a dream. In my dream Tacen was with us. He was a four year old boy, just like he would be now if he hadn't passed away, and he and Daxon were running around and playing together. It took me a minute in my dream to wrap around this thought.  Watching Tacen, he was a good couple inches taller than Daxon. Which didn't make sense because Daxon is now 6.5 months older than Tacen was when he passed away, but as my dream continued I realized Tacen was 4 not 2.5 years old like I can picture him. The way I know he'll come back as he is resurrected.

I've always love this “Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory--the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”

President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …"

Chapter 14: Words of Hope and Consolation at the Time of Death

This thought has given me more peace and hope than I can explain over the last almost 2.5 years. I love knowing that I can see my sweet Tacen just as he was and that one day I will be able to raise him. We have officially been without Tacen longer than he was here. How is that possible? We really didn't get to have Tacen with us long enough so I can't wait to get to raise him some day! Tangent...back to my dream.

As one of His latter-day witnesses, I testify that He lives today. He is a resurrected Being. He is our Savior, our Lord, the very Son of God. I testify that He will come again as our glorified, resurrected Lord. That day is not far distant. To all who accept Him as Savior and Lord, His literal resurrection means that life does not end at death, for He promised: “Because I live, ye shall live also." -President Ezra Taft Benson
Chapter 6: Jesus Christ, Our Savior and Redeemer

One of the best parts for me was seeing Tacen being able to run. If you didn't know Tacen, he couldn't really run. He had some balance problems and usually walked with one arm behind his back to help keep his balance. So seeing him, even if just in my dream, running was so wonderful. That's how I picture him now running all around with that big smile on his face! Here's a video from September 2012 of him playing on our driveway.

My other favorite part was seeing him running and playing with Daxon because that's something I really feel like we all missed out on! They were chasing each other and laughing and just having the best time. This is much how I imagine things to be if Tacen were still here. That is one of the things I long for most is for Tacen and Daxon to get to be brothers growing up together. Being each other's friends and playing together! So for that small moment it was wonderful and absolutely perfect to imagine what that would have been like and also to see Tacen running!  Just the other day I had this blog pulled up on the computer and the picture of Tacen was there. Daxon said, "there's my Tacen! I miss him! He's just I am a child of God." Meaning he's with Heavenly Father. I'm thankful as we've tried to teach Daxon of Tacen that he's getting to know him! It's very important to us that our other children know Tacen and how important is he to us. That he's there brother! I am happy that he at least kind of understands that he's in heaven.  That he knows who he is and that he loves him. He misses him just like we do!
I have this picture:

On my phone for the background and Iszella was looking at it the other day and the largest smile came across her face. I like to believe she knows Tacen. Remembers him probably. I loved seeing her face light up from seeing a picture of her brother! I want her to know her brother too!

You know what is so amazing? I know one day that Tacen will be resurrected! I know I will see him again. In that day he will run and laugh and play! He will be perfect without the physical challenges he faced here on earth! Then in that moment all my dreams will be fulfilled and I'll get to see him again! I'll get to hold him! I'll get to see him running and smiling and having all the experiences that for now have been put on hold. That is the day I long for! When that day does come my joy will be full! But until that time I'll cherish the nights when T visits my dreams and I get a glimpse of what could have been! 

A Taste of Modern Medicine

Our children have been sick. Iszella started coughing last Sunday. Then Daxon followed, but he got the blunt end of things. He was whinny and not sleeping! He would just cry to me! He didn't want to play. I finally took him in last Thursday to the Dr to discover he had strep, bronchilitus and a double ear infection. His breathing was at 90%. He wasn't good. We got him on a strong antibiotic and started breathing treatments! That afternoon he only slept for 40 minutes of his nap (he normally sleeps 1.5-2 hrs) and I could hear him coughing and his breathing sounded strained! I got him feeling concerned about how he was doing. The next morning Iszella woke up and sounded worse. We had to take Daxon in for a follow-up appointment so we decided it would be best to get Iszella checked out too. She had strep! Thankfully they're both on antibiotics and making slow but steady progress! 

While at the doctors office I said to Daxon a couple different times, "you need to do (whatever the doctor or nurse was asking him to do). It will help you get feeling better!" In my mind I flashed back to when we were seeking treatment for Tacen. When we were trying to an IV in unsuccessfully and saying something along those same words, "Tacen honey we are trying to help you get feeling better!" Ultimately not being able to figure it out and he didn't get feeling better. Guilt occasionally hangs over mine and Cade's heads in that we couldn't help him get better. No one could. Yet as a parent you're supposed to protect your child. You're supposed to watch over them! You are supposed to make things better when no one can. You as a parent are supposed to watch over them. In Tacen's case there was nothing we could do. We sought out intelligent doctors all over the country and they were stumped! But it still is hard knowing there was nothing more we could have done! We gave him blessings and prayed for a miracle, but that was not our Heavenly Father's plan for us and Tacen! 

As Daxon has gotten feeling better I am so grateful that the treatments we've asked him to do are helping him get feeling better! I'm thankful for modern medicine that can do so much! For a loving husband and father who gave him a blessing! I was so relieved when he woke up the next morning more like himself! I'm thankful he's getting better and it gives me reassurance that Iszella will too! I'm thank for the many things that modern medicine can do even if it couldn't save Tacen. Its reassurance that it was his time to go. I'm ever grateful for the days we get to spend with Daxon and Iszella. 

Going in Circles

Today we went to the park. Daxon was playing minding his own business and some of the other little boys seemed like they were out to get him. He wanted wood chips on the bottom of the slide and then to slide down and push them off himself. Some of the older boys probably 4-5 (Tacen would be this age) were upset and almost yelled at him saying they didn't want them on there. I try to sit back and let Daxon handle situations like this so I'm not the over protective parent who always swoops in. Instead of trying to intervene with the boys (whose mother's were there). I tried to redirect Daxon. I showed him a different slide to put his wood chips on. Only the boys then went to that slide. My mama bear wants to bust out and intervene and I always have to restrain myself from doing so. So I redirected Daxon again and we headed home for some lunch.
I'm honestly not that worked up about this. What really happens is I start to think about Tacen. I start to wish my all my heart that he was here to play with Daxon. So they could have grown up together and had each other as friends. In our move over the last 6 months we just haven't established friendships with people here. I have old friends that we've been able to get together with and they have children. But Daxon doesn't have friends like he did in Memphis. This makes my heart ache for him. He ADORES other children and playing with them.  At the end of the day he should have Tacen. We should all have Tacen and they should have each other. Tacen should be his big brother and should be here to stick up for him when other kids are bothering him. Instead he's not here. I just want him here some days or every day. Today was one of those moments. I have them quite often where I just sit and wish.

Daxon and Iszella and I were at Thanksgiving Point a few weeks ago. A little girl came up to Iszella and was pointing at her bow and trying to show that she had one too. The little girl was probably about 18 months old. I was right there and watching, but Daxon said, "hey stay away from Iszie!" He was protective of her and watching out for her, even though sometimes he pushes her off of the slide at home or takes a toy. He loves her and he was watching out for her.  That. That right there is what I wish Tacen were here to do for Daxon.
I have these thoughts often of how Daxon wasn't supposed to be the oldest. I can't quite explain it, but Tacen was supposed to be the oldest. I'm sure I would have had moments where older kids were taunting or bothering Tacen. But he was meant to be the oldest in our family.  So when I see Daxon having to fill this role, its different because that's not how it was supposed to be. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
I often go in circles with these thoughts. I think about how I wish Tacen could be here and I know he can't be. I think about how much I miss that boy and how sometimes its just not fair! Today was one of those days. One of those moments when life is just not fair. One of those moments when even almost 2 and half years later grief still wins because a piece of my heart is in heaven and until we are together again I'll miss him. Until we are all together something is missing and I'll always be reminded of that. So until then I look forward to that day with all my heart!