Celebrating with Us

We had so many people reach out to us on Tacen's birthday. There were many who set off balloons and sent pictures, we also received many texts and messages. We heard of others taking the day and spending some time in the water. Thank you to all who reached out to us and thought of Tacen on his birthday. It didn't go unnoticed! We love and appreciate the support we received!

Celebrating Tacen's 5th Birthday

Thursday July 2, 2015 was Tacen's 5th birthday. We decided not long after Tacen passed away that we want to spend the day playing in the water. A while back we got a Pass of All Passes to Seven Peaks and when we did I knew we would spend Tacen's birthday there. We had been out in Midway visiting some friends. We got up and headed down to Seven Peaks. With our pass we can get in at 10am. We decided to get some tubes today and go down some of the slides that require tubes that we hadn't done before. We had such a great day at Seven Peaks! Daxon discovered Tykes Peak and LOVED it! It's a slide mean to simulate the bigger slides and I think Daxon went down 20+ times. He would go down and run back up over and over! It was super cute to see! Spending 3-4 hours in the water playing as a family was the perfect way to celebrate Tacen!
After our day at Seven Peaks we headed up to ID to visit Cade's sister and her family. We haven't been able to visit them since we moved back from Memphis and it was great to finally have the chance. The kids zonked and slept for part of the way up and that was wonderful. Cade's sister and family were so thoughtful and had made cupcakes and per our request a meal with rice since that was Tacen's favorite, Hawaiian Haystacks! We enjoyed our dinner and cupcakes with ice cream, then we headed outside to let off Tacen's 5 balloons. I love this tradition and way to celebrate Tacen. It really helps me to be able to take this day for him!
Finally my dad had gotten a big firework from a specialist and he sent it with us to set off since we had fireworks going off outside our room right after Tacen was born. We set them off in the light because we needed to get our kids to bed, but they were way bigger than we were expecting and still cool.
I'm so thankful for a day to celebrate our Tacen! This year was nice having family surrounding me and being so busy. It made it easier to play and celebrate than to get caught in the sadness I feel of not having him here with us. I love being busy. It keeps me smiling and keeps my mind distracted. Its hard to imagine what Tacen would be like at 5. It's hard to imagine him and hard at the same time to know we've been parents for 5 years and we don't have a 5 year old. We love this boy so much. We miss him. We celebrated him on his birthday and we look forward to the day we'll see him again.

Happy 5th Birthday

Dear Tacen

You would be 5 years old today if you were still here with us! I can't even begin to imagine how things would be. There's a chance you'd be getting ready for Kindergarten although I think we would have let you wait a year before going. You'd probably know your abc's and numbers. I'm sure you'd know how to spell your name and you'd be talking up a storm.
I often like to think about how things would be for you and Daxon. I think you would have been the best of friends although I'm not naive enough to believe you wouldn't have had plenty of arguments too! Daxon misses you. We have tried hard to teach him about you and I think we are doing a pretty ok job. He talks about you often and recognizes you in pictures and videos. He even asks for videos of you sometimes.  He doesn't quite understand yet where you are, but we are trying to teach him about that too. He knows you are in Heaven with Jesus and Heavenly Father, but he'd like for Jesus to come drop you off!
Iszella can't talk yet, but she always gets a big smile on her face when she sees a picture of you. I know she knows who you are and I'm a little jealous that it's only been a year for her since she was with you!
Daddy and I think about you every single day. We miss you like crazy. We talk about you often. You are still a very important part of our family and that will NEVER change!
I wish so badly that you were here today to celebrate your birthday with us. I wish you were turning 5 years old and you could tell me how big you are getting! I wish so much for you to be here on your birthday. This day is the day I miss you the most!
I still remember the day you were born. We had waited for you! You were stubborn and made us wait until 2 days before you due date. I remember when I was in labor and your head crowned. Daddy could see it and told me how you had a head of dark brown hair! I remember holding you on my chest and trying to take it all in. You were fresh from heaven and so very precious to us! I remember you chubby hands and thighs you were solid from the start.
I also vividly remember the 2 birthdays we got to spend with you. Those were such wonderful days of celebrating you! I wish we had gotten more.
You're not here with us anymore, but we still celebrate you! We are one year closer to getting to see you again! We will celebrate you by playing in the water! That was one of your favorites which is perfect for a July birthday!  I hope we feel you close today. I know you're never very far! I sure miss you my sweet boy! I know you know that, but I never want you to forget how much we love you! I hope you are doing something special in heaven perhaps like Aunt LuAnn suggested you are having angel food cake! I look forward to the day we'll see you again! I wish it was sooner rather than later, but we do our best to keep our chins up and enjoy each day we are given. You taught us how to be happy no matter what and to be like the Little Engine that Could, never giving up! Thanks for being apart of our family Tacen! Thank you for teaching me not only how to be a mother, but so much more. I continue to learn so much from you. Happy Birthday my sweet boy!
I love you!
Mom

Avoiding Grief

Tacen's 5th birthday is next week. I have been avoiding feeling it. Thinking about it. Letting it take me over because I just didn't want to feel it. I have really struggled with his birthdays since his passing. They're by far the hardest for me. It's the day I most want to scream, "It's just NOT fair!!!" He's supposed to be here. He's supposed to be one year older just like all the other children around me. Just like all the other babies who were born around him who just turned 5 or will soon. But sometimes I feel like I'm doing well. I'm ok. I've found my groove, my sweet spot. I'm dealing with it, but I'm not letting it take me over. I'm not letting the grief, the pain, the sadness, the ache in. I'm not letting it in! Then for whatever reason it may be it finally sets in and I have to acknowledge that feeling and I have to cry. I have to let the pain and ache out and then I can better forward from that point.
I feel like for the most part since Tacen passed away I have been ok at recognizing when I need to let myself grieve, but every so often it creeps up on me. Just a few days ago I had a dream about Tacen. It was a really sacred dream for me. Really special. The part I loved most was when I got to see Tacen. I ran to him! I embraced him and I held him. He said to me, "mom I'm so sorry I couldn't stay!" I looked at him and I said, "Oh honey. It's ok!" Then I got to watch him walk. As I watched him walk, he walked like a normal little boy and my heart leapt for joy! Because the two things I want most of all is to see my sweet Tacen again and to have him be able to walk normally. To see him without his impairments and to see him being free to do as any other child! Oh how I didn't want to wake up from that dream! I wish I could have stayed in that moment just a little longer able to be with Tacen!
You see there's this part of me that's always missing now because Tacen isn't here. There's a piece of my heart that left that day he finished his earthly journey. A pieced I won't be able to retrieve until I can see him again. There's an ache. There's a longing. There's hopes and dreams left unfulfilled! Nothing can fill that void, that hole, that ache. A sweet friend told me at Tacen's viewing (who had also lost a child) that there will forever be a hole in your heart. With time the edges will soften, but the hole will never completely go away. I can attest to this. In just 2.5 years the hole has not gone away, but the edges have begun to soften.
The little things like the smell of his sweaty head after naps, his sweet kisses on my lips before bed, his snuggles after his naps, his persistence and determination to get his way, his love and affinity for all things water, his voice, are just a few of the things that have created that hole. The small things that I took for granted while he was here are the things I miss the most now that he's gone. He's apart of me. Apart of our family and he's missing. That leaves a mark. He left a mark on us. I'm so grateful that he did. That he's mine, but boy do I miss him!

Tacen's 5th Birthday is Almost Here

Just wanted to give a reminder that Tacen's 5th birthday is almost here. It's Thursday July 2nd. If anyone wants to let off blue balloons with us feel free. We'd love to see pictures as always. We will also be playing in the water that day so if you want to play in the water in remembrance of Tacen that'd be great too!