Christmas in Heaven

Tacen December 2010

My sweet friend Chelsey shared this poem with me in 2012 when we had to celebrate our first Christmas without Tacen. I love it! I love thinking of Tacen up in Heaven and all the wonderful things he must be seeing and doing!

Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear 

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. 

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring 

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. 

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place 

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face? 

I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell you of your love 

So, then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing 

For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.

By Wanda Bencke

You see it is because of Christ that I know I can see my sweet Tacen again. It is because He was born all those years ago. Because He was willing to die for me and all of us. This time of year there is a special spirit and that is the spirit of Christ. We can celebrate Him. His life, his birth the miracle of it all. I can know that I'll be with my sweet Tacen again.

Just the other night before bed Cade and I were discussing Tacen. I was talking about how it all seems like a dream him being here in our lives. I was talking about how if the resurrection happened now that Daxon would be physically older than Tacen and how strange that all is. That night I was blessed to have a dream with Tacen in it. Oh how I love those dreams, because for those few sweet moments it feels like I am with him again. I got to see his sweet smile and in my dream I heard him say, "mommy." I got to hold him and hug him.  I got to think about how he had so many struggles before he passed and how when he is resurrected he'll be perfect. He'll be able to run like he was never able here on earth. I got to think about how his language will progress and he'll be able to talk with us. And in my dream for those a brief moment I got to see it all. Oh how glorious it will be!

I know that it will be because of our Savior. So I celebrate Him, now and always! I think of my sweet boy in Heaven celebrating Christmas with our Savior and I smile because that's a beautiful image to think of!

My sweet friend Rachelle had this drawn for me and I love this picture and all that it represents so much!

Laundry Basket Fun

Just a week or so ago Daxon and Cade were playing in with the laundry basket and Daxon wanted Cade to push him with Iszella in the basket. I stopped to take some pictures and instantly flashed back to when Tacen and Daxon were being pushed around in the laundry basket. It's these small, simple moments that help me to keep Tacen alive in my life, my mind and my heart. I know he'll never be forgotten I won't let that happen, but sometimes it feels so much like a dream that he actually lived and when I feel these moments and remember him being here it warms my soul. I love seeing the many similarities with our children! 

Visiting the Cemetery - Figuring this out

Yesterday I was out in Roosytown taking Iszella to a dr appointment and visiting family. I had a minute to drop by the cemetery by myself and visit Tacen's grave. Over the last 2 years this hasn't been something I could do regularly.  Because in our first year we made 2 trips and in our second we didn't make any to Utah from TN, we hadn't had the chance to go often. It wasn't a normal part of grieving and experiencing this loss.
Now that visiting the cemetery and Tacen's grave/headstone is a possibility it brings a mixture of feelings and emotions. I have from the beginning felt that this was a memorial to our son. The design of his headstone shows that. But I have felt strongly that he's not there. If I want to feel Tacen near I got to the temple. I haven't been to the temple since Tacen passed without feeling his presence near. He's not with his body right now. His spirit is separated for a time.

Yet, as his mother I feel like I need to visit. I feel like that's my duty. As I've gone I am often filled with sadness and a feeling of how unfair it is to not have Tacen here with us now. Its a physical reminder that he's not here any more. It's something I am trying to sort out now that visiting is an option as it hasn't been before now. It's one of those things that I have to figure out along the way of this path that has been presented before me. Losing a child was never something I imagined would happen to me. Having to go through this process was not something I'd ever ask for. Yet here I am and it has happened. So I learn. I grow. I experience. Throughout all this I figure out what works for me. I figure out how I will deal with this. How I can learn and grow and become a better version of myself. Because everything happens for a reason.
I miss my sweet boy desperately. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. I could let that overcome me, but what would that accomplish? In my mind nothing. So I see each new challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow. I see it as a way that I can become more emphatic for those I know who have lost loved ones and for those I will encounter in the future. I see it as a chance to figure things out in life. Isn't that part of life? So for now I am trying to figure out how visiting Tacen's mortal memorial can be a part of my life. How I will handle this. It's not something I thought it'd do.
I know each one of us has many things that happen in our life that we never thought we'd have to experience. Many things that we never thought we'd have to do. And for me the important part is to face these challenges. Figuring out what works for us and putting one foot in front of other. Moving forward and doing the very best we can!

Pumpkins and I'm Batty for Daddy

There are little things that I love to do and one of those is putting my children in similar clothes and take pictures. So I knew we needed to get a picture of Iszella in the Batty for Daddy onesie with a pumpkin just like I already had of Tacen and Daxon. I love doing something like this when I can't have them all here together right now.

Tacen 2010

Daxon 2012

Iszella 2014

Sure do love these precious little ones! 

2 Children Together

Today marks the day that we have officially had Daxon and Iszella here together longer than we had Tacen and Daxon together! Each of these milestones that we make it past are such a blessing. Tacen wasn't very fond of Daxon, but over time he warmed up to the idea of a little brother. One of the many things I missed and felt such a loss over was the fact that all the dreams I had envisioned for Tacen and Daxon in growing up together and having each other were shattered! 

In my mind Daxon was never meant to be the oldest sibling. He was supposed to have Tacen here to show him the ropes, watch out for him and be his big brother. I know that Tacen is still watching out for him from the other side, but its still sad to think about him not being here with Daxon.

When we lost Tacen I knew that I wanted Daxon to have another sibling. When we had Iszella I would have never expected how well Daxon would fill that role. I worried about him and how he would handle it, but he loved her instantly. He adores his sister and she adores him. It's a mutual feeling! Seeing them together continually melts my heart and warms my soul. Seeing them interact and love each other at such a young age has been so rewarding. Hopefully they'll never have to know what its like not having one another. Seeing them together for me has filled a void that has been present since we lost Tacen. I firmly believe every child needs a sibling and I love seeing our children together.  I love knowing that Tacen will always be watching over his siblings and also that Daxon and Iszella have each other together now. It's been so hard seeing Daxon longing to have a friend to play with or loving playing with friends and knowing that Tacen should be here for him. They should be little buddies, arguing no doubt, but little buddies all the same. 

I'm unbelievable grateful we are able to have Daxon and Iszella together! I'm grateful they are healthy and doing well and we are able to watch them growing and see their ever budding relationship. I have been a little extra anxious for Iszella to grow up so that she can play with Daxon and I can see them having a relationship that we didn't get to see through with Tacen and Daxon. Yet they already love each other and interact so well at such a young age. Hooray for making it past another milestone!

2 Years

It's been 2 years today since our sweet Tacen passed away! Over the last week I have replayed Tacen's final days and moments in my mind. I have a vivid memory of the last Monday (Oct. 22, 2012). Tacen wasn't feeling well. I had been working to get a hold of Dr. Fulton our neurologist. Tacen wasn't walking (looking back on it I think he made have some paralysis at this point) and we spent much of the day watching TV. I sat next to Tace as he watched his show and I was watching some netflix shoes on the laptop. I have felt sorrow that I didn't just sit and really "be" with him all the way. That's one thing I would have changed if I had known what was coming. I never would have imagined when we took Tacen to the hospital that he wouldn't be coming home with us. We thought we were FINALLY going to get some answers and get things going better for his walking. However, along with that I am thankful we had a week to really comprehend what was happening and accept that Tacen wasn't going to be with us any longer!
It's hard during this time of year not to go back to that time. To his last week and all that transpired. I always feel such mixed feelings. One that we've made it 2 entire years! In the hours, and days following his passing I didn't know how we'd go on and move forward without Tacen. But we've made it this far! We've done it! I know we can continue to do so! I know our Heavenly Father is constantly on our side, carrying us through the difficult days and helping us move on.
In contrast it also feels like FOREVER since I saw Tacen, held him and was with him. It's such a mixture of emotions and feelings.
I do know that Heavenly Father sent us Daxon and Iszella and they were exactly that we needed in our lives over the past two years. They are such a joy to have! Daxon is really beginning to know and learn about his brother Tacen. He knows that he is with Jesus. Just a couple weeks ago in Sacrament meeting I was talking to Daxon about the Sacrament Ordinance taking place and how it was to help us think of Jesus and Daxon looked at me and said "Tacen is with Jesus!"  Daxon and Iszella are such a blessing from Heaven! As is Tacen. Even though we no longer get to have Tacen here with us, he is ours forever! I know one day we will be with him again.
I know he is there watching over us. I miss him terribly. That never goes away! I have gotten more used to it. I have adjusted and adapted. I'm so thankful that we have made it through 2 entire years since he passed. I'm thankful for each person who has made it easier. For the incredible support and love we have been shown time and time again. The people who have touched our lives along the way have been a true heaven send.
My sweet boy, I love you! I think about you all the time. There is not a day that goes by that you don't come into my mind. You taught me so much while you were here with us on earth. You changed me as a person and a mother. Thank you sweet boy for being you! For being apart of our family! Thank you for allowing us to feel your presence and know that you are nearer than we realize. I love you!
Your, Mom

Primary Program

Sunday (10.26.14) was our primary program in our ward. There is one Sunday a year where the children give small speaking parts and sing songs for our congregation. I adore the primary program. It's always so cute to see the kids giving their parts and hearing them sing. Children have a special spirit about them.
Yesterday as the children were going up to begin the program I was hit with the realization that Tacen should have been up there. He should be a sunbeam (the class he would be in) and he should have been in the program. We haven't had a lot of significant milestones that we've missed yet and I know they'll be coming as time passes, but this one really hit me.  I spent much of the program with tears streaming down my face just missing Tacen and thinking about how he should have been up there with other children. It's those small milestones that seem to creep up sometimes. The realization of the fact that in this life they won't happen is hard to take some days. For me yesterday was one of those days.
I know my emotions and feelings are raw and we approach the 2nd anniversary of Tacen passing this week and that didn't add to the emotions of it all. I found out later that day that it was also the primary program in our old ward in Memphis. So if we had stayed there or moved here it would have been his first primary program either way.
I wish I could have been a beaming parent as I watched him go up to the pulpit and give his part. I wish that I could have watched him up there singing the songs. Pointing out to Daxon where he was up there. It would have been so much fun to see. But for now that won't be my reality. For now I will hold onto the memories that I have and cherish the times that Daxon talks about Tacen. I will help his siblings to know him. Because he is still my son. He is still their brother. We are still a family. We will have days where we miss him more than others and there will be milestones we realize we are missing.