Every Dream Fulfilled

The other night I had a dream. In my dream Tacen was with us. He was a four year old boy, just like he would be now if he hadn't passed away, and he and Daxon were running around and playing together. It took me a minute in my dream to wrap around this thought.  Watching Tacen, he was a good couple inches taller than Daxon. Which didn't make sense because Daxon is now 6.5 months older than Tacen was when he passed away, but as my dream continued I realized Tacen was 4 not 2.5 years old like I can picture him. The way I know he'll come back as he is resurrected.

I've always love this “Children … must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory--the same loveliness in the celestial glory.”

President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …"

Chapter 14: Words of Hope and Consolation at the Time of Death

This thought has given me more peace and hope than I can explain over the last almost 2.5 years. I love knowing that I can see my sweet Tacen just as he was and that one day I will be able to raise him. We have officially been without Tacen longer than he was here. How is that possible? We really didn't get to have Tacen with us long enough so I can't wait to get to raise him some day! Tangent...back to my dream.

As one of His latter-day witnesses, I testify that He lives today. He is a resurrected Being. He is our Savior, our Lord, the very Son of God. I testify that He will come again as our glorified, resurrected Lord. That day is not far distant. To all who accept Him as Savior and Lord, His literal resurrection means that life does not end at death, for He promised: “Because I live, ye shall live also." -President Ezra Taft Benson
Chapter 6: Jesus Christ, Our Savior and Redeemer

One of the best parts for me was seeing Tacen being able to run. If you didn't know Tacen, he couldn't really run. He had some balance problems and usually walked with one arm behind his back to help keep his balance. So seeing him, even if just in my dream, running was so wonderful. That's how I picture him now running all around with that big smile on his face! Here's a video from September 2012 of him playing on our driveway.

My other favorite part was seeing him running and playing with Daxon because that's something I really feel like we all missed out on! They were chasing each other and laughing and just having the best time. This is much how I imagine things to be if Tacen were still here. That is one of the things I long for most is for Tacen and Daxon to get to be brothers growing up together. Being each other's friends and playing together! So for that small moment it was wonderful and absolutely perfect to imagine what that would have been like and also to see Tacen running!  Just the other day I had this blog pulled up on the computer and the picture of Tacen was there. Daxon said, "there's my Tacen! I miss him! He's just I am a child of God." Meaning he's with Heavenly Father. I'm thankful as we've tried to teach Daxon of Tacen that he's getting to know him! It's very important to us that our other children know Tacen and how important is he to us. That he's there brother! I am happy that he at least kind of understands that he's in heaven.  That he knows who he is and that he loves him. He misses him just like we do!
I have this picture:

On my phone for the background and Iszella was looking at it the other day and the largest smile came across her face. I like to believe she knows Tacen. Remembers him probably. I loved seeing her face light up from seeing a picture of her brother! I want her to know her brother too!

You know what is so amazing? I know one day that Tacen will be resurrected! I know I will see him again. In that day he will run and laugh and play! He will be perfect without the physical challenges he faced here on earth! Then in that moment all my dreams will be fulfilled and I'll get to see him again! I'll get to hold him! I'll get to see him running and smiling and having all the experiences that for now have been put on hold. That is the day I long for! When that day does come my joy will be full! But until that time I'll cherish the nights when T visits my dreams and I get a glimpse of what could have been! 

A Taste of Modern Medicine

Our children have been sick. Iszella started coughing last Sunday. Then Daxon followed, but he got the blunt end of things. He was whinny and not sleeping! He would just cry to me! He didn't want to play. I finally took him in last Thursday to the Dr to discover he had strep, bronchilitus and a double ear infection. His breathing was at 90%. He wasn't good. We got him on a strong antibiotic and started breathing treatments! That afternoon he only slept for 40 minutes of his nap (he normally sleeps 1.5-2 hrs) and I could hear him coughing and his breathing sounded strained! I got him feeling concerned about how he was doing. The next morning Iszella woke up and sounded worse. We had to take Daxon in for a follow-up appointment so we decided it would be best to get Iszella checked out too. She had strep! Thankfully they're both on antibiotics and making slow but steady progress! 

While at the doctors office I said to Daxon a couple different times, "you need to do (whatever the doctor or nurse was asking him to do). It will help you get feeling better!" In my mind I flashed back to when we were seeking treatment for Tacen. When we were trying to an IV in unsuccessfully and saying something along those same words, "Tacen honey we are trying to help you get feeling better!" Ultimately not being able to figure it out and he didn't get feeling better. Guilt occasionally hangs over mine and Cade's heads in that we couldn't help him get better. No one could. Yet as a parent you're supposed to protect your child. You're supposed to watch over them! You are supposed to make things better when no one can. You as a parent are supposed to watch over them. In Tacen's case there was nothing we could do. We sought out intelligent doctors all over the country and they were stumped! But it still is hard knowing there was nothing more we could have done! We gave him blessings and prayed for a miracle, but that was not our Heavenly Father's plan for us and Tacen! 

As Daxon has gotten feeling better I am so grateful that the treatments we've asked him to do are helping him get feeling better! I'm thankful for modern medicine that can do so much! For a loving husband and father who gave him a blessing! I was so relieved when he woke up the next morning more like himself! I'm thankful he's getting better and it gives me reassurance that Iszella will too! I'm thank for the many things that modern medicine can do even if it couldn't save Tacen. Its reassurance that it was his time to go. I'm ever grateful for the days we get to spend with Daxon and Iszella. 

Going in Circles

Today we went to the park. Daxon was playing minding his own business and some of the other little boys seemed like they were out to get him. He wanted wood chips on the bottom of the slide and then to slide down and push them off himself. Some of the older boys probably 4-5 (Tacen would be this age) were upset and almost yelled at him saying they didn't want them on there. I try to sit back and let Daxon handle situations like this so I'm not the over protective parent who always swoops in. Instead of trying to intervene with the boys (whose mother's were there). I tried to redirect Daxon. I showed him a different slide to put his wood chips on. Only the boys then went to that slide. My mama bear wants to bust out and intervene and I always have to restrain myself from doing so. So I redirected Daxon again and we headed home for some lunch.
I'm honestly not that worked up about this. What really happens is I start to think about Tacen. I start to wish my all my heart that he was here to play with Daxon. So they could have grown up together and had each other as friends. In our move over the last 6 months we just haven't established friendships with people here. I have old friends that we've been able to get together with and they have children. But Daxon doesn't have friends like he did in Memphis. This makes my heart ache for him. He ADORES other children and playing with them.  At the end of the day he should have Tacen. We should all have Tacen and they should have each other. Tacen should be his big brother and should be here to stick up for him when other kids are bothering him. Instead he's not here. I just want him here some days or every day. Today was one of those moments. I have them quite often where I just sit and wish.

Daxon and Iszella and I were at Thanksgiving Point a few weeks ago. A little girl came up to Iszella and was pointing at her bow and trying to show that she had one too. The little girl was probably about 18 months old. I was right there and watching, but Daxon said, "hey stay away from Iszie!" He was protective of her and watching out for her, even though sometimes he pushes her off of the slide at home or takes a toy. He loves her and he was watching out for her.  That. That right there is what I wish Tacen were here to do for Daxon.
I have these thoughts often of how Daxon wasn't supposed to be the oldest. I can't quite explain it, but Tacen was supposed to be the oldest. I'm sure I would have had moments where older kids were taunting or bothering Tacen. But he was meant to be the oldest in our family.  So when I see Daxon having to fill this role, its different because that's not how it was supposed to be. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
I often go in circles with these thoughts. I think about how I wish Tacen could be here and I know he can't be. I think about how much I miss that boy and how sometimes its just not fair! Today was one of those days. One of those moments when life is just not fair. One of those moments when even almost 2 and half years later grief still wins because a piece of my heart is in heaven and until we are together again I'll miss him. Until we are all together something is missing and I'll always be reminded of that. So until then I look forward to that day with all my heart!

Holding These Little Ones Close

We are preparing another move and we recently purchased a home. We've been driving back and forth with the kids for weekend trips out to Roosytown and weeks back to the city. I feel like we've been a little crazy lately. I've been a little less than patient with Daxon lately and it really pricks at my heart. I hate when I'm not patient. I sit and tell myself, "Kelsie, you know what it's like not having a child with you! You shouldn't be impatient! How would you feel if he was gone?" on and on like that. I know impatience is normal or at least in my world, but I hate when I'm impatient.  We went "home" the last 3 weekends in a row.  I knew Daxon could sense the changes coming, and he's been acting out a bit more, requiring more attention and being a bit of a stinker.  I was discussing this with my mom and she asked if Daxon wanted to stay with them for the week. We'd leave Sunday and be back Thursday evening. He could stay and have fun. I knew deep down he would have so much fun staying with Grandma and Papa. He'd get lots of extra attention. I could get some things done at our townhouse and perhaps the separation would be good for both of us!
I talked with Cade about it. He said it probably was a good idea. I was seriously considering it.  Then the more I thought about it the more I knew I couldn't leave him. Not because he wouldn't have fun or be ok, but because I knew I couldn't handle leaving him for that long! I've never left him for more than a few hours. I started realizing how I have held these little ones of mine extra close since we lost Tacen. I know it's irrational, but I feel like if I keep them close I can protect them. I can keep them with me longer. Maybe, just maybe, I won't lose another one. Because if I have them close to me they'll be safe. This is all silly of course because we didn't leave Tacen very often and I couldn't save him. Nothing I could have done would have kept Tacen here with us. Yet, in my mother heart and mind it makes sense.
I also started thinking about how if I left Daxon I'd have just Iszella home and I worried I'd flash back to when I just had Daxon after Tacen passed away. I worried it would be too hard. Before I started thinking about leaving Daxon for a few days I hadn't realized this was a feeling of mine. I hadn't realized how much I needed them near me. You see we are poor students so naturally we don't go out very often. We also honestly LOVE spending time together as a family so we'd just as soon do something we can do with the kids in tow instead of leaving them. I know it's healthy to leave your children occasionally. I know that it's good for Cade and I spend time together just the two of us, but its hard.
That being said I know I need to work on being able to leave our kids occasionally, but I also know that my heart needs them close. I need them with them. They make me happy even when I want to pull my hair out because of frustration. I need them close so I can try to protect them. So maybe, just maybe I'll have them close to me a little longer than we got to have Tacen here. So maybe I won't have to experience the loss of another child. That's something I hope never to experience. So for now I'll hold these little ones close and love them with all every fiber of my being. Because you never know how much time you have. That's a fear of mine.

Feed the Animals

The last weekend we had with Tacen we were in Fort Worth, TX. We went to a little stock yard and there were different animals there. Goats, cows, a camel, etc. Tacen was so excited about these animals. We were poor students and we couldn't justify the $3-5 for the small cup of food to feed the animals. We had no idea then that in just 10 days our sweet Tacen would no longer be here with us or I tell you what we would have bought the food! It was such a simple little thing that would have made him so happy and I regret that we didn't do it. In the long scheme of things that $3-5 wouldn't have made that big of a difference, I know that Tacen would have LOVED it.
Since that time I think we often spoil our kids a little too much. We are still poor students and we still don't have much, but we take the chance to do the little things that will bring a huge smile to their faces. We don't always let them have everything they want. We don't always let them "feed the animals" so to speak, but we do a lot more than we did before. Because since Tacen passed away we've realized its the little things that make the biggest difference. It's the little things you'll remember. Its the little things like letting him feed the animals that I regret deep inside. I wish I had let him do that. Because he would have loved it so. Because I can't take the time to bring a smile to his face any more. I don't have him here with me to spoil and oh how I wish I did. I wish I could spoil him rotten. But I can't. So I stop. I try harder with the kids I have. We let them "feed the animals" a lot more because that's what I can do now.
Cade and I reference this experience a lot with one another. It helps us to realize that its ok to spend a few dollars here and there for our children. Especially when we feel like our budgets always tight and we can't do it. It reminds us that we can afford to spend a few dollars here and there.

Here's a video of Tacen at the stockyard. Its the last one that we have of him. Its the last day that we was able to walk. I'm thankful we were able to do something fun with him even if we didn't feed the animals. I love how excited he is over the animals. I love hearing his voice!

Being Like Tacen

This morning (1.26.15) Daxon requested to watch Tacen movies. I turned some one. We watched one when he got his wagon from G'ma Sue and Pa and he was eating a popsicle. Daxon then decided he needed a popsicle. I didn't have any popsicles being winter and all, so I gave him a frozen gogurt. He needed gloves to wear so his hand wouldn't get cold. Then he requested that I take pictures of him too. Daxon has asked a few times recently to watch Tacen videos. It's really sweet that he knows and loves his brother. He usually ends up requesting to do whatever Tacen was doing in the video. I was talking to Cade about this and he said, "It's Tacen's way of getting to be his big brother now!" I just love that idea. It made me think about how Iszella loves to be doing whatever Daxon is doing and how she follows him around and just adores him.  That's how it would have been if Tacen had been able to be here and be Daxon's big brother right now. So it's really neat, fun and special to catch a glimpse of that with the home videos we have of Tacen. What sweet brothers!

Talking About Tacen

We try to talk about Tacen as often as we can. We especially have discussed together (Cade and myself) about wanting our children to know Tacen. He's an important part of our family and just because he's not here with us doesn't mean he isn't important or that we want him to be forgotten.  I know I've mentioned it before, but sometimes people don't know how to handle it when we talk about Tacen.  They act uncomfortable or just try to listen and get past the subject as quickly as possible. When he first passed away I struggled with this. Now I just talk about him and I figure if someone feels uncomfortable that's their choice, but its so much harder for me not to talk about him and my heart aches so much more than if I just bring him up.
We've had a few experiences with Daxon bringing Tacen up lately and it warms my heart. Daxon is really big into helping give the prayer on food lately. He starts naming off a list of different various items he's thankful for. The other night he included Tacen in his prayer.
If we ask Daxon where Tacen is he will either respond, "With Jesus" or "in Heaven." I'm not sure if I wrote it down here or not, but one Sunday during sacrament meeting in church I was trying to talk to Daxon about the sacrament and how we have the sacrament to remind us of Jesus. When I said, "Jesus." Daxon immediately made a connection and said, "with Tacen!'
We have a picture of Tacen eating Eier Kuchen and he has nutella on his face. It's in a cute block that someone gave us that says, "Some I love is in Heaven" and we have it in the kids bathroom. Last night we were going potty before bed and Daxon looked up at the picture. He said, "Tacen likes Eier Kuchen!" So we talked about how Tacen liked Eier Kuchen just like Daxon and how he had nutella on his face.  Eier Kuchen is one of Daxon's favorites right now. So I think it was fun for him to make that connection to his brother.

Finally, today we had been outside playing and Daxon got cold. He asked to come inside. I suggested we have some hot cocoa to warm up. When we came in he wanted to watch a movie. Then he suggested we watch a Tacen movie! We watched a handful of movies and ended with one where Tacen is trying to get a fly with a fly swatter. Daxon wanted to get the fly swatter and try to get some flies too! I couldn't help wondering what it would be like if they could play together. Yet, I'm so thankful that Daxon loves his big brother and talks about him.
My heart longs to have Tacen here with us, but until then I'm thankful we can keep his memory alive. I'm thankful for my sweet 2.5 year old boy who loves his brother and talks about him. Even if he only knows him from pictures and movies. It's wonderful that he knows him! I'm also incredibly grateful for videos of Tacen so help keep him alive more. So we can recapture those sweet moments and so his siblings can know him until we can be with him again!
Here's the video he watched: