Decorating T's Special Place

Friday (12.21.18) we went over to the cemetery with Papa to put Tacen's tree on his grave. I'm alway grateful for my parents and their willingness to put things to decorate T's special place. I love talking to our kids about Tacen. I had a special experience with Lula May in Bear Lake this last weekend. I had gotten a Tacen necklace for Christmas, but asked to wear it early so I could wear it in pictures and she grabbed it and point to his picture smiling and said Tace the way she says it (its not terribly recognizable, but I've heard her say it before when pointing to his picture on my phone) and then she leaned in and hugged my necklace up to her! It means so much that our children know Tacen. This Christmas time of year I'm so grateful for my Savior. That we can celebrate his glorious life and that because of him I will be with my sweet boy again some day!  We sure love and miss our Tacen!

Missing Tacen at Christmas Time

As I was pulling out ornaments and stockings this year (and every year) as I came to Tacen's it brings tears to my eyes. I said to Cade, "does it ever get easier!?" It always seems to hit! I always miss this sweet boy. There's a few thoughts that come to my mind first is that because of Christmas. Because our Savior was born. Because he lived. Because he died and was resurrected. Some day I will be with my sweet boy again! So with Christmas it brings so much to be happy about. Secondly my thoughts are turned to the time we had with Tacen and the memories we made. We have his duckie oranment (2010) that we picked his first year because he loved water so much. Then his second Christmas (2011) is his hand ornament. We tried at least half a dozen times to do his handprint and he kept making it squishy. It's not perfect, but it's his hand and it's priceless! Then 2012 the year he passed away we went to Hobby Lobby to pick our yearly ornaments. Cade and I picked one for us and we picked the big red truck ornament with presents in the back. I remember as we picked it and were walked away one fell off and broke and I remember thinking and saying to Cade, "that Tacen must have been there because it seemed that it was something he would do." Every year since then we've picked various trucks, carts, trains, etc. for Tacen's ornaments for the year. I love seeing them on the tree and thinking of him! Lastly we have his stocking. We love having pieces of him in our lives and in our home! It is hard to experience each year without him, but we have so much to be grateful for and most of all I'm grateful that one day we'll be together again! 

6 Years

Dearest Tacen

It's been 6 years today since we said good-bye for now! My how we miss you sweet boy! Its days like this I find myself thinking about and wondering what it would be like if you were still here with us! I long to see those blue eyes and hold your chubby hands! As time goes on being able to deal with your absence changes. Its not as harsh and piercing, but I still have moments where it hits be and knocks the breath out of me! When the longing strikes extra and I just wish to be with you.
I'm forever grateful for Daxon, Iszella and Lula May who remind me of you often! Daxon has recently begun praying and saying "Bless Tacen!" Iszella prays often that Tacen, Lori and Jesus will come back soon! She asks often where you are! She talks of before you were all in my belly and how she was in heaven with Tacen and Daxon! Lula May will catch a glimpse of one of your pictures on the wall and smile really big and point! They all know and love you. It's so important to me that you know you are never forgotten!
Yesterday at sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Each Life that Touches Ours For Good," and this part really stuck out and touched me as I thought of the fact that today would be your six year angleversary!

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory
Bringing, us nearer, Lord, to thee.

Tacen you are my goal right now. I want to be better. I want to do better, so that I can be with you again some day! You push me to try harder. You help me remember how precious life is and how things can change on a dime. You ground me and help me to be more patient with your brother and sisters! I want nothing more than when I've completed my time on this earth to see you, to wrap you in a big hug and potentially NEVER let go! I often feel you near and know that you are watching over us! If we can't have you here with us right now I'm so very thankful to know you are our own guardian angel! I love you so much my sweet boy! Thanks for listening and sending me not one, but two red headed sisters! Daxon has been praying for a baby brother for about a year now. So when we get ready to have another sibling would you send him a brother? He'd love nothing more than to have a brother here. I wish so badly you were here with him. He's the best big brother to your sisters and I know its the role he was meant to play, but oh how I long for you to be here and be his big brother! I know you are near often. I know you are still the big brother in our family even if you are not here, but its not the same. Sometimes I think about how our lives might be more chaotic and crazy if you were here, but wouldn't it be fun!?
We are thinking of you not only today, but always! Please never forget how much we love you! It's been 6 years and sometimes I can't believe its been that long and sometimes it feels like forever since I hugged and held you in my arms! We are 6 years closer to seeing you! I can't wait for that day, I love you so much sweet boy!

Love,
Mom

Happy 8th Birthday

Dearest Tacen

The last few months your absence has been continually very apparent for me. As I've seen the kids born near you getting baptized I've thought of you and noticed your absence. As grandkid events have come and gone I've thought about how you should be here and where you would fall. As Daxon prays daily for a baby brother I think about how you should be here and how he has a brother! I find myself thinking of you often and wishing so much you were here. You are always missed and NEVER forgotten!
It's so crazy to be that we should have been planning your baptism this weekend. I know where you are and I know you would have chosen to make this commitment in your life. I wish that we could see you dressed in white with your father and gone down into the baptismal font to be baptized! I wish that we could plan a program and make it such a special day! I wish we could celebrate this milestone in your life instead of wishing for it.
The other day Lula May was pointing to your baby picture we have on the wall in the dining room and Dad made the comment that she was the last one to see you! I often find myself wondering what you would be like at 8! What would your interests be. Who would your friends be? How would our family dynamic be different with you still here? How would that change the sibling relations or would the be different at all? So many questions I won't have answered in this life time and so many things I wish you could be here for!
Iszella prayed the other night that you could come back and then followed it up with, "Mom when will Tacen come back?" I said honey some day we'll see Tacen again, but I don't know when that will be. Her response was, but what day? How many days until then? I can't tell you how much I wish that I had an exact date to count down to! How much I wish that I knew exactly when I could hold you in my arms again!
Grief has away of sneaking up on me. We go through the year and I always think I've got it under control. I think that I know what to expect and yet it always sneaks up on me. It always seems about March I really started to realize that your birthday is coming. I start thinking about how you should be turning a year older and I see the kids who I remember being born when I was still pregnant with you. I see what they are doing and how they are growing and I ache for you! I ache to be experiencing all those things with you! Then as we hit your birthday it really strikes and I just wish you could be here to be hitting this milestones! I wish you could be with us right now!
Instead though we take July 2nd each year and we celebrate you! We talk with your brother and sisters about your favorite things. We find time to go and play in the water because that was always your favorite! We eat rice and cake. We talk about how you hated frosting and you really only loved the cake part! We let off balloons each year (8 this year) and we remember you! We hold you close buddy! We talk about you often! We are so thankful to know where you are, we are so thankful to have you watching over us! We long for the day we'll all be together again, but until then this day is yours! We love you sweet boy! Keep lighting up our lives from where you are and know how much we love you!
Happy birthday my sweet boy! I'll never stop missing or loving you!

Love,
Mom

Decorating Tacen's Special Place - Memorial Day 2018

Wednesday (5.23.18) we went and got flowers and planted the yellow tonka truck for Tacen for Memorial Day. Then Thursday (5.24.18) we went over during lunch time and put the Tonka on his special place. The kids always love running around and climbing on headstone and playing around. G'ma Sue sent some pictures after they put flowers on Tacen's grave and then my mom sent pictures after they put their flowers on. We feel so blessed that Tacen is so loved! I sure love these special children we have been blessed with. We sure miss our Tacen and look forward to when we can be with him again.

When Grief Hits...

Recently a friends daughter passed away. She was 2.5 and it was sudden. These two facts were close to Tacen. He was almost 2.5 and things with him were sudden. It really brought back memories of his last week and the week of the funeral. It took me through memories I hadn’t thought about in a while. It’s funny how grief does that. You don’t think about parts of your loved ones passing, but then it can all come crashing in. I thought about being there with him holding him and singing I am a Child of God as he passed away. The immense peace that filled my soul helping me to know it was God’s will. Yet the heartache of leaving the hospital without Tacen. Going home and him not being there and having to pack to fly home for his funeral. I thought of that week and how it honestly mostly feels like a blur. I remember gathering pictures and videos for a slide show Sue put together. I remember going down to the mortuary after his body had arrived from TN. Thankful it got here in time and dressing him for the last time. Then I remembered his viewing and funeral. I remember being strengthened on Friday night during his viewing and knowing that the strength was not my own. I also remember how much more emotional I felt on Saturday during the viewing prior to the funeral. I remember our dad’s speaking. My mom giving the eulogy and I remember speaking. Then I remember hearing Daxon screaming out in the hall (Thanks goes to Gail Gardner for taking him) and I got him. I remember walking right back up to the front row and nursing Daxon. All these thoughts and more filled my mind and my heart ached for my friend. I vividly remembered the loss like it was current. I always said I’d never wish losing a child on my worst enemy let alone someone I know and care about. It also reminded me how grief comes in waves. I am reading “After You” by Jojo Moyes. The main character Louisa is taking to Sam whose sister had recently passed away and says, “...’How long do you think it takes to get over someone dying? Someone you really loved, I mean.’ ...Sam’s eyes widened just a little. ‘Whoa. Well’—he looked down at his mug, and then out at the shadowy fields—‘ I’m not sure you ever do.’ ‘That’s cheery.’ ‘No. Really. I’ve thought about it a lot. You learn to live with it, with them. Because they do stay with you, even if they’re not living, breathing people anymore. It’s not the same crushing grief you felt at first, the kind that swamps you and makes you want to cry in the wrong places and get irrationally angry with all the idiots who are still alive when the person you love is dead. It’s just something you learn to accommodate. Like adapting around a hole. I don’t know. It’s like you become . . . a doughnut instead of a bun.’”

This is something I wholeheartedly believe! I remember Becky Gilbert telling us that “the hole in your heart will always be there, but with time the edges will soften.” This statement is so true! It never goes away. A piece of me is always missing! I always long to have him here with us. I always notice that he’s not here, but it’s not as crushing as it once was. I’m learning to live with it!

I can truthfully say that I am thankful for the things that losing Tacen has taught me. I am beyond grateful to be his mother, but most of all I am grateful to know that he's still mine and someday I'll be with my sweet boy again! 

5 Years

Dear Tacen

Its been 5 years since I saw your sweet face! 5 years since I kissed those cheeks, smelled your sweaty head after naps, watched you play with cars for hours. 5 years since I heard you ask for your baba and kankey (blankey) dots up ready for snuggles and milk! 5 years where there's a little piece of me missing because you are gone. 5 years too long! 5 years since you were here with us! My sweet boy I sure miss you! I'd love nothing more than to see those bright blue eyes, give you a big hug and have you here with us.
I know sweet boy you are near us more more often than not. We feel you watching over us and we love you so for it. I feel blessed to have our own guardian angel.  Someone who knows and loves us.
Iszella has been talking about you a lot lately! She knows you are her brother and that you are in heaven with Jesus. She asks quite often how she is going to be able to get you down from heaven so you can be with us or when you will come back.
Daxon saw a picture of our family where I super imposed you in with us and Daxon said, "mom Tacen came down! Did Tacen come down?" They love you so much! They are doing their best to understand why you can't be here right now and they long for the day that you'll be back with us just like your dad and I do!
I found myself over the last couple weeks as I often do wondering what you would be like now. I wonder who your friends would be, what your disposition would be like. What would you like to do? What would you have dressed up like for Halloween? Would your hair be dark like Cade's? So many things left unknown.
I wish so much that I could just see you and be with you for just one more minute! I wish for nothing more. I sometimes have dreams with you in and I wake with a big smile on my face knowing that for those brief moments I got to be with you in the closet way possible right now.
I hope you know that we love you so much. We wish so much that you could be here with us still, but we know where you are and we know that you are doing what you need to be doing right now. I can't wait to be back all together someday. I'm glad to know that are 5 years closer to seeing you! I'm thankful that you are part of our family. I'm thankful to have such a perfect boy as my son! You are such an incredible example to me and I love you so much!
All my love!
Mom