7 years

I remember vividly when Tacen passed away wondering how I could make it through the days ahead without him. How could I make it 7 days, let alone 7 months or 7 years??? It feels to me now that each year is a milestone of sorts! My grief is different now than it was those first few years. I still miss my sweet boy like crazy, but it hits me in waves sometimes unsuspecting and sometimes right on cue! However, it's not so all consuming as it once was. I'm not sure if that is time or if it has something to do with life moving forward. We have 2 more kids and another one to come in 7 weeks or so! Life is busy and crazy and I love it that way, but I don't have the time to sit and think about Tacen like I did after he passed away and it was just me and Dax home all day.
Now I think of him in different ways. Like when our kids bring him up and we talk about how they miss him and wish he could be here. When Daxon is frustrated with his sisters playing something he doesn't want and he says in frustration, "mom I just wish Tacen were here! Then we could play cars!" When Lula May looks at a picture where I have superimposed Tacen to be in it with our family and she says, "Tacen" as she points to him and it's almost a surprise that he would be in the picture with us. When Iszella asks in innocence "mom when will Tacen come back? I miss him!" I long to have all the answers to these sweet questions. I long for Daxon to have his brother here with him!
When I think of how he would be 9! How has that much time passed that we should have a 9 year old!? Yet I can't picture him being 9. I try to picture what he would look like, but he's frozen in time as that precious little 2.5 year old boy of mine. I wonder how he would have grown and changed. I wonder what his interests would be. I wonder a lot, but most of these questions will go unanswered for now.
But then I have those sweet moments like thinking of Tacen being with our sweet daughter as she awaits to join our family. I like to hope he is telling her good things about our family and us as parents. I like to think he is enjoying spending sometime with her before they will be separated for a time.
I know our sweet Tacen watches over us and I am ever grateful to know that our own guardian angel has so much of a vested interest in our family. I feel his love for us and I pray often that he will know of our love for him.
As life continues I think of the joy and happiness I still have in my life. I think about how life is not easy, but honestly how it wasn't mean to be. Yet, I have found joy and happiness just as I know Tacen would want me to. He found so much joy in the little things and we won't know in this life just how much pain he was in or exactly what his struggles were like, but I am sure there was some of that. Yet he found joy and we can too!
I miss my sweet boy. I always will! But I have seen how time changes and softens things. Thankfully the pain isn't so raw, the edges not so sharp and I'm here to say that anyone wading through the trenches of grief you can do this! It doesn't get easier but you get more used to it. Its edges soften and it can be less stark and all encompassing! Grief is a journey one you don't ever really figure out, but I have learned to embrace the journey. Give into the moments where I need to cry and even push it aside when it feels like too much for that moment. I have learned so much from my sweet boy and I will ever be grateful for his life, his example and the blessing of having him as my son. 7 years closer to seeing you again Tacer Racer! I love you!

Same Age As Tacen

Our sweet blue eye baby girl, Lula May is the same age as Tacen today! There's always something relieving about making it to this point. About being able to watch Lula May progress in her walking and language in ways Tacen was never able. In being able to see her develop normal and well and feel the blessing of that! It's unimaginable that we would stop our journey with Lula May today and not see her grow anymore. But it also reminds me that that's just what happened with Tacen. His journey has been halted. We still haven't had the chance to watch him grow up and experience the things of this life as our other children have. I still long each and every day for that blessing that I know one day will be mine. But until then I am so grateful to be able to watch his siblings grow up. I'm so grateful for Lula May. She is sweet and sassy. She's such a goof and a tease and such a joy to have in our family. I feel blessed that she is ours! I also feel blessed that Tacen is ours forever. Family is such a blessings. Love you Tacen! Keep watching over your siblings here as they grow! We love you sweet boy!

Happy 9th Birthday

Dear Tacen!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! You would be 9 today! 9 years since you made me a mom. 9 years since we met you for the first time and fell instantly in love with those blue eyes and brown hair! Its been over 6.5 years since we said good bye for now my sweet boy. We all miss you! Iszella often says, "mom we all miss Tacen!" She also has said a few times lately, "it sure is taking a long time for Tacen to come back!" Studying the New Testament this year at church and having our new Come Follow Me Curriculum we've spent a lot of time talking about our Savior and his life, Atonement, death and resurrection.  Having also had Cade's grandpa Kowallis and my grandma Knight pass away in April we talked about how they are now in heaven with you sweet boy.
The day I found out that my grandma was likely going to pass away Iszella had a dance recital and I knew it was likely we wouldn't make it in before she passed. As I was driving in the car I remember talking to you Tacen and asking you to give her a big hug for me because you would likely see her before I did. Then after she passed away I learned that she had seen you visiting her. I love thinking of her being with you. Iszella asked the other day when I was telling she and Daxon how you used to love bran muffins who was making you breakfast. We talked about how maybe Grandma Knight was making your breakfast and then in her innocence she added or Jesus' Mom! I know there are many in heaven who I loved in this life with you. With each love one that passes on I long for the second coming more. Not because I'm ever going to be good enough, but because I'm so ready to be with you again sweet boy! But I'm not ready to leave our family here so the 2nd coming is the only thing that brings us all together!
Daxon a few weeks ago was having a rough Sunday morning. The girls were playing together and he was feeling left out and didn't want to play what they were playing. In a moment of frustration he looked at me and said, "Mom I just wish Tacen was here then we could play cars!" He talks often about teaching you to ride a bike or to swim. They sure miss and love you!
This week your dad was put in the bishopric at church on Sunday (6.30.19). That morning I was feeling weepy! Pregnancy hormones have sure amplified that situation! I was thinking of you and how I needed extra strength that day. As I was getting ready the thought out of no where came into my mind, "Mom, I'm here!" It was all I needed to know that Tacen was near. I know sweet boy that you are always close. I feel your love and know you are watching over us until we can be together again!
Sweet boy I wish I could see you as a 9 year old boy. I wish I could see what you would be like. What you would like to do. Would you love biking like Daxon? Swimming? Would you have a totally different interest and hobby? Would your hair be dark brown like your dad's? Oh how I can't wait to have all these questions answered. How I can wait to hold you in my arms again and hug you tight! Just know sweet boy and your birthday and all year through you are loved, you are missed and we are doing our best to make good choices so we can be with you again! We are eating rice, going swimming and letting off balloons today in your honor sweet boy! We love you so much!

Love,
Mom

Decorating T's Special Place - Memorial Day 2019

Thursday (5.23.19) we went to Allred's and the girls helped picked flowers to put in Tacen's truck to put at the cemetery for Memorial Day! Then we came home and planted it. We had planned to run it out Thursday night, but ran out of time. So Friday evening(5.24.19) we ran out to decorate his special place. The kids always start climbing on his headstone right away. I always like to think of it and a way to "play" with him right now. We sure love and miss this boy.  Last Sunday (5.19.19) Cade had had a meeting and Lula May was being a little grumpy and the girls didn't want to play cars with him. At one point Daxon says, "Mom I just wish Tacen was here so he could play cars with me!" It's these little moments that make me smile in how much our kids love Tacen and also break my heart, because I wish he was still here too! He is so loved and never forgotten and that's always been so important to me! We love you Tacer Racer!

Decorating T's Special Place

Friday (12.21.18) we went over to the cemetery with Papa to put Tacen's tree on his grave. I'm alway grateful for my parents and their willingness to put things to decorate T's special place. I love talking to our kids about Tacen. I had a special experience with Lula May in Bear Lake this last weekend. I had gotten a Tacen necklace for Christmas, but asked to wear it early so I could wear it in pictures and she grabbed it and point to his picture smiling and said Tace the way she says it (its not terribly recognizable, but I've heard her say it before when pointing to his picture on my phone) and then she leaned in and hugged my necklace up to her! It means so much that our children know Tacen. This Christmas time of year I'm so grateful for my Savior. That we can celebrate his glorious life and that because of him I will be with my sweet boy again some day!  We sure love and miss our Tacen!

Missing Tacen at Christmas Time

As I was pulling out ornaments and stockings this year (and every year) as I came to Tacen's it brings tears to my eyes. I said to Cade, "does it ever get easier!?" It always seems to hit! I always miss this sweet boy. There's a few thoughts that come to my mind first is that because of Christmas. Because our Savior was born. Because he lived. Because he died and was resurrected. Some day I will be with my sweet boy again! So with Christmas it brings so much to be happy about. Secondly my thoughts are turned to the time we had with Tacen and the memories we made. We have his duckie oranment (2010) that we picked his first year because he loved water so much. Then his second Christmas (2011) is his hand ornament. We tried at least half a dozen times to do his handprint and he kept making it squishy. It's not perfect, but it's his hand and it's priceless! Then 2012 the year he passed away we went to Hobby Lobby to pick our yearly ornaments. Cade and I picked one for us and we picked the big red truck ornament with presents in the back. I remember as we picked it and were walked away one fell off and broke and I remember thinking and saying to Cade, "that Tacen must have been there because it seemed that it was something he would do." Every year since then we've picked various trucks, carts, trains, etc. for Tacen's ornaments for the year. I love seeing them on the tree and thinking of him! Lastly we have his stocking. We love having pieces of him in our lives and in our home! It is hard to experience each year without him, but we have so much to be grateful for and most of all I'm grateful that one day we'll be together again! 

6 Years

Dearest Tacen

It's been 6 years today since we said good-bye for now! My how we miss you sweet boy! Its days like this I find myself thinking about and wondering what it would be like if you were still here with us! I long to see those blue eyes and hold your chubby hands! As time goes on being able to deal with your absence changes. Its not as harsh and piercing, but I still have moments where it hits be and knocks the breath out of me! When the longing strikes extra and I just wish to be with you.
I'm forever grateful for Daxon, Iszella and Lula May who remind me of you often! Daxon has recently begun praying and saying "Bless Tacen!" Iszella prays often that Tacen, Lori and Jesus will come back soon! She asks often where you are! She talks of before you were all in my belly and how she was in heaven with Tacen and Daxon! Lula May will catch a glimpse of one of your pictures on the wall and smile really big and point! They all know and love you. It's so important to me that you know you are never forgotten!
Yesterday at sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Each Life that Touches Ours For Good," and this part really stuck out and touched me as I thought of the fact that today would be your six year angleversary!

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory
Bringing, us nearer, Lord, to thee.

Tacen you are my goal right now. I want to be better. I want to do better, so that I can be with you again some day! You push me to try harder. You help me remember how precious life is and how things can change on a dime. You ground me and help me to be more patient with your brother and sisters! I want nothing more than when I've completed my time on this earth to see you, to wrap you in a big hug and potentially NEVER let go! I often feel you near and know that you are watching over us! If we can't have you here with us right now I'm so very thankful to know you are our own guardian angel! I love you so much my sweet boy! Thanks for listening and sending me not one, but two red headed sisters! Daxon has been praying for a baby brother for about a year now. So when we get ready to have another sibling would you send him a brother? He'd love nothing more than to have a brother here. I wish so badly you were here with him. He's the best big brother to your sisters and I know its the role he was meant to play, but oh how I long for you to be here and be his big brother! I know you are near often. I know you are still the big brother in our family even if you are not here, but its not the same. Sometimes I think about how our lives might be more chaotic and crazy if you were here, but wouldn't it be fun!?
We are thinking of you not only today, but always! Please never forget how much we love you! It's been 6 years and sometimes I can't believe its been that long and sometimes it feels like forever since I hugged and held you in my arms! We are 6 years closer to seeing you! I can't wait for that day, I love you so much sweet boy!

Love,
Mom