Being Like Tacen

This morning (1.26.15) Daxon requested to watch Tacen movies. I turned some one. We watched one when he got his wagon from G'ma Sue and Pa and he was eating a popsicle. Daxon then decided he needed a popsicle. I didn't have any popsicles being winter and all, so I gave him a frozen gogurt. He needed gloves to wear so his hand wouldn't get cold. Then he requested that I take pictures of him too. Daxon has asked a few times recently to watch Tacen videos. It's really sweet that he knows and loves his brother. He usually ends up requesting to do whatever Tacen was doing in the video. I was talking to Cade about this and he said, "It's Tacen's way of getting to be his big brother now!" I just love that idea. It made me think about how Iszella loves to be doing whatever Daxon is doing and how she follows him around and just adores him.  That's how it would have been if Tacen had been able to be here and be Daxon's big brother right now. So it's really neat, fun and special to catch a glimpse of that with the home videos we have of Tacen. What sweet brothers!

Talking About Tacen

We try to talk about Tacen as often as we can. We especially have discussed together (Cade and myself) about wanting our children to know Tacen. He's an important part of our family and just because he's not here with us doesn't mean he isn't important or that we want him to be forgotten.  I know I've mentioned it before, but sometimes people don't know how to handle it when we talk about Tacen.  They act uncomfortable or just try to listen and get past the subject as quickly as possible. When he first passed away I struggled with this. Now I just talk about him and I figure if someone feels uncomfortable that's their choice, but its so much harder for me not to talk about him and my heart aches so much more than if I just bring him up.
We've had a few experiences with Daxon bringing Tacen up lately and it warms my heart. Daxon is really big into helping give the prayer on food lately. He starts naming off a list of different various items he's thankful for. The other night he included Tacen in his prayer.
If we ask Daxon where Tacen is he will either respond, "With Jesus" or "in Heaven." I'm not sure if I wrote it down here or not, but one Sunday during sacrament meeting in church I was trying to talk to Daxon about the sacrament and how we have the sacrament to remind us of Jesus. When I said, "Jesus." Daxon immediately made a connection and said, "with Tacen!'
We have a picture of Tacen eating Eier Kuchen and he has nutella on his face. It's in a cute block that someone gave us that says, "Some I love is in Heaven" and we have it in the kids bathroom. Last night we were going potty before bed and Daxon looked up at the picture. He said, "Tacen likes Eier Kuchen!" So we talked about how Tacen liked Eier Kuchen just like Daxon and how he had nutella on his face.  Eier Kuchen is one of Daxon's favorites right now. So I think it was fun for him to make that connection to his brother.

Finally, today we had been outside playing and Daxon got cold. He asked to come inside. I suggested we have some hot cocoa to warm up. When we came in he wanted to watch a movie. Then he suggested we watch a Tacen movie! We watched a handful of movies and ended with one where Tacen is trying to get a fly with a fly swatter. Daxon wanted to get the fly swatter and try to get some flies too! I couldn't help wondering what it would be like if they could play together. Yet, I'm so thankful that Daxon loves his big brother and talks about him.
My heart longs to have Tacen here with us, but until then I'm thankful we can keep his memory alive. I'm thankful for my sweet 2.5 year old boy who loves his brother and talks about him. Even if he only knows him from pictures and movies. It's wonderful that he knows him! I'm also incredibly grateful for videos of Tacen so help keep him alive more. So we can recapture those sweet moments and so his siblings can know him until we can be with him again!
Here's the video he watched:

Christmas in Heaven

Tacen December 2010

My sweet friend Chelsey shared this poem with me in 2012 when we had to celebrate our first Christmas without Tacen. I love it! I love thinking of Tacen up in Heaven and all the wonderful things he must be seeing and doing!

Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear 

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. 

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring 

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. 

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place 

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face? 

I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell you of your love 

So, then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing 

For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.

By Wanda Bencke

You see it is because of Christ that I know I can see my sweet Tacen again. It is because He was born all those years ago. Because He was willing to die for me and all of us. This time of year there is a special spirit and that is the spirit of Christ. We can celebrate Him. His life, his birth the miracle of it all. I can know that I'll be with my sweet Tacen again.

Just the other night before bed Cade and I were discussing Tacen. I was talking about how it all seems like a dream him being here in our lives. I was talking about how if the resurrection happened now that Daxon would be physically older than Tacen and how strange that all is. That night I was blessed to have a dream with Tacen in it. Oh how I love those dreams, because for those few sweet moments it feels like I am with him again. I got to see his sweet smile and in my dream I heard him say, "mommy." I got to hold him and hug him.  I got to think about how he had so many struggles before he passed and how when he is resurrected he'll be perfect. He'll be able to run like he was never able here on earth. I got to think about how his language will progress and he'll be able to talk with us. And in my dream for those a brief moment I got to see it all. Oh how glorious it will be!

I know that it will be because of our Savior. So I celebrate Him, now and always! I think of my sweet boy in Heaven celebrating Christmas with our Savior and I smile because that's a beautiful image to think of!

My sweet friend Rachelle had this drawn for me and I love this picture and all that it represents so much!

Laundry Basket Fun

Just a week or so ago Daxon and Cade were playing in with the laundry basket and Daxon wanted Cade to push him with Iszella in the basket. I stopped to take some pictures and instantly flashed back to when Tacen and Daxon were being pushed around in the laundry basket. It's these small, simple moments that help me to keep Tacen alive in my life, my mind and my heart. I know he'll never be forgotten I won't let that happen, but sometimes it feels so much like a dream that he actually lived and when I feel these moments and remember him being here it warms my soul. I love seeing the many similarities with our children! 

Visiting the Cemetery - Figuring this out

Yesterday I was out in Roosytown taking Iszella to a dr appointment and visiting family. I had a minute to drop by the cemetery by myself and visit Tacen's grave. Over the last 2 years this hasn't been something I could do regularly.  Because in our first year we made 2 trips and in our second we didn't make any to Utah from TN, we hadn't had the chance to go often. It wasn't a normal part of grieving and experiencing this loss.
Now that visiting the cemetery and Tacen's grave/headstone is a possibility it brings a mixture of feelings and emotions. I have from the beginning felt that this was a memorial to our son. The design of his headstone shows that. But I have felt strongly that he's not there. If I want to feel Tacen near I got to the temple. I haven't been to the temple since Tacen passed without feeling his presence near. He's not with his body right now. His spirit is separated for a time.

Yet, as his mother I feel like I need to visit. I feel like that's my duty. As I've gone I am often filled with sadness and a feeling of how unfair it is to not have Tacen here with us now. Its a physical reminder that he's not here any more. It's something I am trying to sort out now that visiting is an option as it hasn't been before now. It's one of those things that I have to figure out along the way of this path that has been presented before me. Losing a child was never something I imagined would happen to me. Having to go through this process was not something I'd ever ask for. Yet here I am and it has happened. So I learn. I grow. I experience. Throughout all this I figure out what works for me. I figure out how I will deal with this. How I can learn and grow and become a better version of myself. Because everything happens for a reason.
I miss my sweet boy desperately. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. I could let that overcome me, but what would that accomplish? In my mind nothing. So I see each new challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow. I see it as a way that I can become more emphatic for those I know who have lost loved ones and for those I will encounter in the future. I see it as a chance to figure things out in life. Isn't that part of life? So for now I am trying to figure out how visiting Tacen's mortal memorial can be a part of my life. How I will handle this. It's not something I thought it'd do.
I know each one of us has many things that happen in our life that we never thought we'd have to experience. Many things that we never thought we'd have to do. And for me the important part is to face these challenges. Figuring out what works for us and putting one foot in front of other. Moving forward and doing the very best we can!

Pumpkins and I'm Batty for Daddy

There are little things that I love to do and one of those is putting my children in similar clothes and take pictures. So I knew we needed to get a picture of Iszella in the Batty for Daddy onesie with a pumpkin just like I already had of Tacen and Daxon. I love doing something like this when I can't have them all here together right now.

Tacen 2010

Daxon 2012

Iszella 2014

Sure do love these precious little ones! 

2 Children Together

Today marks the day that we have officially had Daxon and Iszella here together longer than we had Tacen and Daxon together! Each of these milestones that we make it past are such a blessing. Tacen wasn't very fond of Daxon, but over time he warmed up to the idea of a little brother. One of the many things I missed and felt such a loss over was the fact that all the dreams I had envisioned for Tacen and Daxon in growing up together and having each other were shattered! 

In my mind Daxon was never meant to be the oldest sibling. He was supposed to have Tacen here to show him the ropes, watch out for him and be his big brother. I know that Tacen is still watching out for him from the other side, but its still sad to think about him not being here with Daxon.

When we lost Tacen I knew that I wanted Daxon to have another sibling. When we had Iszella I would have never expected how well Daxon would fill that role. I worried about him and how he would handle it, but he loved her instantly. He adores his sister and she adores him. It's a mutual feeling! Seeing them together continually melts my heart and warms my soul. Seeing them interact and love each other at such a young age has been so rewarding. Hopefully they'll never have to know what its like not having one another. Seeing them together for me has filled a void that has been present since we lost Tacen. I firmly believe every child needs a sibling and I love seeing our children together.  I love knowing that Tacen will always be watching over his siblings and also that Daxon and Iszella have each other together now. It's been so hard seeing Daxon longing to have a friend to play with or loving playing with friends and knowing that Tacen should be here for him. They should be little buddies, arguing no doubt, but little buddies all the same. 

I'm unbelievable grateful we are able to have Daxon and Iszella together! I'm grateful they are healthy and doing well and we are able to watch them growing and see their ever budding relationship. I have been a little extra anxious for Iszella to grow up so that she can play with Daxon and I can see them having a relationship that we didn't get to see through with Tacen and Daxon. Yet they already love each other and interact so well at such a young age. Hooray for making it past another milestone!