Playing with their brother

 Friday (2.19.16) we ran to the store for some milk and I decided to stop by the cemetery! We've taken to calling it Tacen's special place. We talked about how there were many people who had special places here and it was all the people who were in heaven and couldn't be here with us any more. This seems to really make sense for Daxon and I love it. As soon as we got there the kids started playing on his headstone! At first I wasn't sure how to react! The longer I thought about it I loved it. I loved that they were "playing" in the only way they can right now with their brother. I worried it might seem disrespectful, but its ours! We chose that headstone, we paid for it and he's our son and their brother. So if climbing on it makes them happy while we visit its a ok in my book! I loved this simple little moment where they had the chance to play with their brother! We sure miss you Tacen! Always and forever until we get to see you again! We Love You!

All Together For A Moment

Last night we watched a few videos of Tacen which I always love to do! I just love to see him alive! Then last night he was running through my dreams (literally he was running in them and was just in them). I don't get to dream about Tacen nearly often enough! I wish that he was in my dreams every night. I've thought a lot lately and last night as the watched the video how I wish so badly I could see him for just one moment. That I could hold him! Kiss his face! Smell his scent! Just take it all in one more time for a brief moment! I long for this so much! As I awoke this morning after having dreamt about him last night it was as if my family, Cade and our 3 children and myself had all been together for the night! It was real enough that I felt like I had been with him! Which I love so much. It filled that small void for a moment to make me feel like our family had been together! Oh how I long for that day and look forward to it with more excitement than I can explain! Until them my sweet boy! I miss you! Thanks for running through my dreams last night!

Here's a couple of the videos we watch last night! Iszella especially loved these two! She even said, "Tace!" So glad my kids have the opportunity to know their brother and that we have pictures and videos of him for them to see!

My Boy

Saturday (2.13.16) this photo popped up on Facebook as a memory. I've had a lot of thoughts running through my mind the last week or so I just want to get written out! One being that I LOVE talking about Tacen if you know me at all you will know that I still bring up Tacen and he is still apart of regular conversations in my life. He's my boy! He ALWAYS will be. I still am floored sometimes at the reactions that I get when I bring him up! The most common is for the person to whom I am speaking to pretty much freeze and not say anything about Tacen. I've always understood that its a difficult subject, yet I've always felt that its most difficult for me and if I want to talk about him then you should be ok with it. Maybe that's not the right approach, but that's how I feel. It's hard not having him a here and I just want to talk about him like I do our other children!

Second thought as this picture popped up its hard for him to just be a memory. He's not a reality right now and that's hard. It's hard to know what was and what could be, but not have it right now.

Third thought is my heart has just been aching for my boy over the last week or so. It just hits me at very different, but distinct times! Tears come to my eyes and I just feel the ache that loss brings. I don't always understand what triggers this, but I know my heart aches. I know I miss him and I think of him often! I just wish he were still here! So for now I love that these memories can still pop up and I can still see pictures and videos of this sweet boy of mine!

Tacen's Hand and Foot Prints

Last Thursday (1.21.16) Daxon was looking up at our entertainment center and said, "I love our valentines decorations up and I love Tacen's foot print and hand!" I switched up our decorations a couple weeks ago and took down Christmas and put Valentine's and also put some of our more general decoration. With that meant pulling out some of our Tacen things. When we were putting out Tacen's hand and feet prints and Daxon began asking about them. We've had them stored away since we moved from Memphis.
Before Tacen passed away, but we knew it was close the Family Life Specialists came and asked us if them making hand and foot prints is something that we would like them to do. We of course were all about that! They are a treasure that we hold dear having every little piece of him we can is the best thing!
Daxon has taken a notice to them. He has also mentioned missing Tacen a couple times of the last few days and today (1.26.16) he even asked when Tacen would be coming back and if we would get to see him soon! Its these simple little moments that both make me beam and tear at my heart. I love that Daxon knows his brother. He has a real, special relationship with him. However, Its hard not being able to say that he can see his brother or having a time line of when that might happen! I wish these two sweet brothers could have their time together now, but we'll keep waiting! Until then we will keep his memory alive in our home and family so our kids can know their brother!

Peace

There are two instances where I was able to find peace I feel the need to share. I taught the lesson last week in Relief Society. This is when the women at church meet together. The lesson was "My Peace I Give Unto You." from the Teachings of The Presidents Howard W. Hunter.  The night before I was to teach I received a phone call and then a visit informing me of a new calling. One that I feel very inadequate for, the primary chorister. This may seem silly to many of you, but for me it was overwhelming. I can't read music. I'm not musically inclined. I love to sing, but can only hear and sing the melody even though my voice is a much better alto.  On top of this all I have LOVED teaching Relief Society and felt deeply saddened to be leaving this calling. I felt a wide range of emotions Saturday night. When I woke Sunday morning was heart was heavy, yet I felt guided. I prayed ernestly yet in humility expressing to my Heavenly Father that I was willing, but I would need His help.  I instantly felt better and ironically the words of the song "Be Still My Soul" came to my mind. I pulled up the song and listened intently to the lyrics. It was an exact answer to my prayer. Not only to my concerns about my calling, but others in my life that I had expressed that morning in prayer. I knew then as I always have that my Heavenly Father in very aware of me and willing to help and bless me.

I would like to contrast this was another experience where I found peace. My mind is taken to the last 24 hrs we had with Tacen here in on earth.  We had been praying earnestly for a miracle. We knew that one was possible. Many of our family and friends had been praying, fasting and his named was called to more temples than I know. We felt so much strength during such a difficult time. The night before Tacen passed away Cade and I came together in prayer. We let Heavenly Father know that we knew that if it was his will He could perform a miracle and heal our Tacen! However, if a miracle was not his plan for Tacen and for us we were ready to let him go. His poor body had suffered much and we knew we shouldn't hold his precious spirit here any longer. The peace that filled our hearts that night and through the next was amazing. Then the following night, Monday Oct 29 around 6pm we made the decision to withdraw life support. He was on the highest form of life support they had and it wasn't working. His lungs were filling with fluid. As his spirit left his mortal body and passed into the spirit world we were filled with even more peace than had been accompanying us that day. I remember feeling loss and heart ache, but also feeling peace. I recall how strange it felt to have so much peace during something so hard as losing a child. It is a blessing I still hold dear the peace I shall never forget.

Why do I share these two experiences with you? They are so vastly different. One is a silly mortal reaction, my silly mortal reaction to a new calling and one is a life changing experience of losing a child. Yet a loving Heavenly Father blessed me with the peace that I needed during both experiences. I know our Heavenly Father loves us more than we can imagine. I know He is so willing to bless us, comfort us and guide us. We just have to let Him in. We have to ask. If we ask in sincerity, He will give us the peace we seek! I have a deep and abounding testimony of this in my life. I am beyond grateful this day and always for a loving Father in Heaven! 

This Time of Year

As I hung our stockings on the wall I love that I get to hang Tacen's. It's the little things that make me smile and miss him all at the same time! I'm so happy when I have tangible things that show he is apart of our family. I love looking up at the wall and reading his name up there. I love thinking about the two Christmases we had with him and the fun and excitement. Yet, I long to have him here. I read his name and I also feel some sadness that he's not here with us. It's a mixture of emotions!

My parents have been and continue to be so great about helping to decorate Tacen's grave. We went out last Friday (12.4.15) to help Papa put a tree and snowflake on Tacen's grave. This is a confusing and hard thing for Daxon to understand and it's something we are learning to navigate through with him. It's also special to hear him say things like, "(while looking at the picture of Tacen) That's my brother!" "I want one of the cars off of the tree (sharing his always hard)."  I love how much Daxon knows his brother.

As this time of year comes I am filled with gratitude and love for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ! Because of a small babe in Bethlehem who lived a perfect life and suffered and died for us we have the chance to be redeemed. To keep trying and do better. We have the chance and blessing to know we will be with Tacen again. All will be made right and it will be glorious! This time of year as I reflect on this I am filled with joy, love, light, peace and comfort! I am so grateful to be able to reflect on His birth and all that it means to me! 

Thankful

This time of year is a time to really ponder all that we are thankful for. I've been kind of MIA from Tacen's blog. No particular reason, life is busy. But I can't let this month pass without writing how Thanful I am. I am so thankful that I have Tacen as a son. I am so thankful for all he taught me. For his sweet smile, his gorgeous blue eyes and that he made me a mother. I am thankful for his hugs and snuggles and the way he used to kiss me on the lips goodnight. I am thankful to know that I will see him again! That he is in a beautiful place. That he is well and healed and free from the cares and pains that troubled his mortal body. I am thankful for his love and example. I am thankful to feel him near and to know he is watching over and protecting our family. I am thankful to have the best guardian angel I could ever ask for or imagine. I'm thankful that Daxon is really beginning to know his brother and that Iszella will too. I'm unbelievably thankful for all the pictures and videos I have of my sweet boy. The memories that fill my mind. I am thankful for Tacen! I wouldn't give up the heartache if it meant I wouldn't have known the love that Tacen brought and continues to bring in my life! I can't wait until I can see him again! On that day I will be more thankful than I can imagine for the Plan of Salvation, the covenants I've made and the change I will have to be with my sweet boy and raise him! It will be ever so glorious!