Happy 7th Birthday

Dear Tacen! 

Happy 7th birthday Tacen Cade Kowallis, my sweet boy! 7 years ago you made me a mother and you haven't stopped blessing my life since that day! I laid awake thinking the other night wondering what you'd be like as a 7 year old. I can't imagine it! I still think of you as my cute 2.5 year old boy! I often wish we could know what it was like to raise you now! 

When Lula May was born I realized we have the perfect family! 2 boys and 2 girls! I'll be wishing you we're here with us every day until I can hug you again!!! Daxon often reminds me that you're his big brother! He knows and loves you in such a tangible way!!! Iszella knows you and loves you. She's especially appreciative to know you're watching over her and helping to keep her safe. She gets scared often now and it means the world to her to know you're watching out for her! I know you are always near and it's truly a blessing!!! 

We had planned to bless Lula May at church on your birthday, but I came down with a nasty stomach bug instead that wiped me out for the day! We did eat rice on Saturday night thinking of you and we sent you 7 balloons for your birthday! We are planning to go to the lake on the 4th so we'll get our traditional water fun in a little later this year! 

This year the grief that always strikes by your birthday hit me a little out of no where! We have been insanely busy with our basement project and adding Lula May to our family. I haven't had the time I normally have to sit and reflect and give enough of my thoughts to you!!! But as always grief strikes even if I don't have the proper time to offer it!!! We miss you buddy! Not a day passes where I don't think of you!!! I'll always wish you were here with us and wonder what it would be like to have you at each age!!! I'd love to see your personality grow with your age!!! See what your interests are! I sat wondering if your hair would be really dark like daddy's now or if it would still be a lighter brown. Would you still have bright blue eyes or would they have changed to green like mine did when I was 7 or 8? Would you still love cars or would you have moved on to other hobbies and loves! Most of all I wonder what it would be like to have our family whole and not have a little piece of my heart missing! 

Happy birthday buddy! 

Love, Mom

Promised Blessings

As we draw closer to Easter and to the arrival of our new little one my thoughts have been turned to Tacen! Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him! I love how much our children know and love him. Iszella recently has been scared of monsters and we've talked a lot about asking Heavenly to help us feel safe and also remembering that she has an older brother Tacen to watch over her! She proudly announced a few days ago, "mom Tacen is my brother! He will watch over me and help keep me safe!" Daxon Saturday night out of the blue said, "mom I miss Tacen! When does he get to come back?" This allowed for a discussion about the seconding coming and how when Jesus comes again Tacen will be resurrected! Dax asked how Tacen would get here and Cade suggested he'd float down! Daxon liked that idea! I'm so thankful that our kids know and love Tacen! I'm also unbelievably grateful that our Savior was resurrected so we too might be! I think of baby fruit loop with Tacen now and I'm a little jealous because I would love to hug my sweet boy and see those blue eyes and his big smile! But I've felt often through this pregnancy Tacen near! I'm grateful to be his mother and I can wait to hold him in my arms again some day!!! #tacegram #tacensstory

Silver Linings

I've been kind of quiet around here on Tacen's blog. Not for one particular reason, just life getting in the way and being totally exhausted this pregnancy, really any combination of things!
I've been thinking lately about silver linings. Reasons to find gratitude in my life in spite of things not being how I might have wanted them to be! One those was this past week, Daxon and Iszella have had coughs/colds and Dax had an ear infection. I was thinking about how had we not miscarried we would have had our baby by now and how grateful I am that I'm not worried about keeping our newborn healthy right now while the kids are fighting off these bugs.
Then tonight, Iszella is afraid of monsters. There is not reasoning with her. She thinks there are monsters and you can't tell her there aren't. So we've read the book "Go Away Big Green Monster" several times and we talk about how we can tell the monsters to go away. Iszella was talking about monsters tonight and being scared. We read our book and told them to go away, then we sprayed some special monster spray around her room that they really don't like and we said a prayer. After we finished our prayer I explained how lucky Iszie was that she has a big brother in heaven who knows and loves her and how Tacen would keep her safe! She looked at me with her sweet, innocent eyes and said, "Tacen loves me?" I said Tacen loves you very much sweetheart. She replied, "Tacen will help me feel better?" Me, "yes, he will!" You know I wouldn't wish losing a child on anyone and honestly if I could have Tacen here I would love to, but how many children get to know that they have a special big brother watching out for them? Not a lot! I think that's pretty lucky to know when you are scared or afraid you know that your brother Tacen is in heaven looking out for you too! It's a silver lining to some so hard as losing a child. But I love more than anything talking to our children about Tacen and them knowing how special he is in their lives!

Decorating T's Special Place

Saturday (12.3.16) we went down to the cemetary with Papa and Grandma Ruthie to put the little tree on Tacen's grave! My parents have been so great to decorate his grave and I so much appreciate it! The kids love going down to Tacen's special place. The tree looked cute with lights, ornaments and cars. I couldn't help after we got things decorated and Cade and Daxon were running around thinking about how I wish Tacen were here running around with them too, but then I try my best to remember that some day I'll see those dreams and longings fulfilled even if not in this lifetime! We sure love Tacen and we feel so blessed that he's apart of our family! 

4 Years

Dear Tacen

It's been four years today since you went back to Heaven! We still miss you like crazy! You've been on my mind a lot lately. I think that's pretty normal for October, but being pregnant with another baby brother or sister of yours has heightened my emotions! There's so many things I often wonder about! I wonder what you'd be like as a 6 year old! I wonder what it would be like to have you here with us. I wonder how our family dynamics would be. But there are so many blessings you bring to our family even though you aren't here! I feel you near often! I love knowing that you are watching over us and that we have our own guardian angel! I love thinking about your being in heaven with this new sibling that will join our family in the spring!
Its hard to believe its been 4 years! How have you been gone that long? We are inching closer to you being gone twice as long as you were here with us, but we are also 4 years closer to seeing you! I love to think about that day. I imagine the sun will be shining it will be warm and bright. I'll see you and you'll be able to run to me! I'm certain I'll pick you up and never want to let you go, but I know I'll have to share you with your dad! I can't wait sweet boy!
Thank you so much for watching over us! Thank you for choosing our family and being the perfect boy you are! You give me so much hope. You keep me grounded and constantly remind me of what's really important in life! I hope I can be as good as you and one day be back with you!

Love you my sweet boy!
Always- Mom

...And then there were...six!

We are excited to announce that we are expecting another sweet baby to be added to our family in April 2017! When we miscarried at 11 weeks in June it was a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. We had taken Daxon and Iszella with us to the appointment only to find out there was no heartbeat and the baby was measuring only 8 weeks. I was still nauseated and throwing up and so confused as to how the baby had stopped developing! Then to top off such a devastating day we had to try to explain to our kids, especially Daxon that there was no baby in my belly and that our baby was going to stay with Tacen in heaven.  I felt awful that my sweet 4 year old who already has had to experience loss and trying to understand it at such a young age was again having to try to understand loss. Thankfully Iszella was pretty oblivious, but for weeks Daxon kept asking about the baby in my belly! I tried my best to explain this in the best way I knew how. It took a while, but he finally stopped talking about the baby in my belly quite as much.

We knew we still desperately wanted to add to our family and we feel so blessed that we were able to get pregnant again! I have been sicker than ever, but feel so lucky that our sweet baby is 13 weeks, measuring right on and has had a great, strong heartbeat! We are anxious for this little one to join our family! The kids are excited about this sweet baby which they've helped me decide we are calling Baby Fruit Loop.

My hormones have been all over the place, especially when it comes to Tacen lately! We are approaching his 4th angelversary and it seems so hard to believe that he hasn't been here with us for that long. This month always brings a waive of emotions, but especially after our miscarriage and now having extra pregnancy hormones I have found myself with tears running down my face often as I think of our sweet Tacen or miss him! I know he's close, but I sure do miss him! No matter how much time passes I still long to have him here with us. I often find myself wondering what it would be like to have a 6 year old and wish he was here with us now! I'm hoping he'll be close to us through this pregnancy and that he's with this sweet baby in heaven telling him/her good things about our family! We can't wait to have another little piece of heaven in our home! 

The Same Age

Today marks the day that Iszella is as old as Tacen was when he passed away! It is so nice to now have two children who have passed this mark. I'm so thankful to see Iszella walking, talking and progressing as she should. It's such a blessing to me to have two beautiful healthy children still here with us! Yet, its surreal. It's so crazy to me that Iszella who was never alive while Tacen was is now as old as he was. Sometimes she seems so much older because she talks well and walks well. Milestones Tacen never reached. Yet size wise she's still much smaller than Tacen was. It's hard to believe in just a little under two months Tacen will have been gone for 4 years! If there is one thing I have learned it's that life goes on. It stops for no one! I'm thankful for the beautiful life we had with Tacen, for the beautiful life we now have and for the knowledge that Tacen is always near and one day (no matter how far away) I'll get to experience all the experiences moving forward with Tacen! Until then I'm thankful for the days we get with Daxon and Iszella. For the things Tacen has taught me and the things he continues to teach me and bring to my remembrance!