Celebrating Tacen

Each year as those we love share pictures of balloons or time spent in water it warms my heart and touches me so! We just love seeing you remember and celebrate Tacen! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about Tacen and our family! You'll never know how much it means to me!

Tacen's Day - 6th Birthday

Saturday (7.2.16) we celebrated Tacen's 6th Birthday. We got up and left around 8am to head to Seven Peaks in Provo. We met up with JJ and Josh and had a fun day playing in the water just like Tacen would love. It was a little emotional for me given that had we not miscarried a week ago we would have been 12 weeks on Friday (7.1.16) and we were planning to announce an upcoming baby which I thought would help lessen the sadness of celebrating Tacen's birthday without him, but instead we were not only celebrating Tacen's birthday with out him, but we aren't pregnant any more. There was a quite of bit emotion on my part. We had a rough couple weeks and I'm happy to have them behind me. The drive out I felt the sadness creeping in, but by the time we got to Seven Peaks and starting playing it really helped. I find myself feeling mopey especially on days like T's birthday, but getting out of the house, playing with Daxon and Iszella and being with Cade and then you add fun in the water and it's perfect! It was just what I needed and I was so grateful to be spending the day with my family! We rode slides, played in lazy river, slid down the kids slides and did the wave pool. Perfect way to celebrate our Tacen! 

We headed home around 2pm. Iszella was so worn out she fell right asleep trying to drink her milk. Poor girl! We got home just before 5pm. I got Hawaiian Haystacks going for dinner and Cade's parents and Kimbrie (our niece) came over. We had to have rice for dinner since that's one of Tacen's favorites. Iszella ate really well which is rare for her lately. After dinner we all enjoyed cupcakes and then we went on out to send off Tacen's 6 blue balloons! Daxon loves the idea of sending them to Tacen. When we told Daxon that it was Tacen's birthday his first response was, "Is he coming down?" That's a hard part of dealing with the loss of a child is that I know how badly Daxon wants to see his brother and its so hard for him to understand why he can't just come back from heaven and see us! I wish so badly he could come and see us! 

We ended the day watching our picture slideshow/video of Tacen. I love remembering him and spending the day as he would have loved! We miss you sweet boy!

Tacen's 6th Birthday

Dear Tacen

You would be six today! Happy Birthday my sweet boy! Its hard to imagine what you would be like at six. I imagine you would be wrecking havoc and causing trouble with your brother and sister! Something I long for quite often. I wish I could take a peak for just a moment at what might have been if you were still here with us. Its hard for me to imagine!
We all miss you. Daxon talks about you often! He says things like, "Mom I miss Tacen I wish he could come down with us!" He recently found and extra pillow in his closet and he put it on his bed and said, "That's for Tace so when he comes down he can sleep with me and I will give him his b (blanket) back." Daxon has been sleeping with one of your blankets the last 6 months or so. I am constantly amazed at how much he thinks about and speaks of you! He knows and loves you and I am so grateful for that! One of my biggest fears from the moment you passed away was forgetting. I didn't want to forget anything about you and I didn't want others to forget you. I know that time has made my memories fade, but you are definitely not forgotten!
Iszella is starting to talk more of you too! She loves to talk about how I am her mom. Then she begins listing, "Iszie's mom! Tacen's mom! Daxon's mom!" She knows and loves you!
The kids love to go to the cemetery or your special place as we've started calling it. Daxon has noticed that their are other graves and he knows that those people also have special places and they are in heaven with you. He's a smart boy! The kids always climb on your headstone, which at first I wasn't sure if that was ok, but then I realized that it was their only way of playing with you and its an endearing sight for me to see!
Tacen as I think about the day you were born and the two birthdays we got to spend with you I am reminded of all the joy you brought into our lives! The day you were born you made your dad and I so happy and so proud. We were so excited to be parents and you fulfilled that dream for us! You were stubborn and made us wait for what seemed like forever the last month of my pregnancy, but that first time I held you in my arms it was all worth it. You instantly had me with your bright blue eyes and dark hair!
On you first birthday I recall playing so joyfully in the water and digging right into your cake! You had a smile on your face most of the day! That contagious smile of yours!
On your second birthday I think about how I went a little overboard on your birthday party. I guess that's what happens with your first! I made car shaped crayons, race tracks, cars frozen in water and more than I can recall! I remember being thankful after you passed away that your last birthday was a big one! We were so happy to celebrate you! Your love for cars was a big part of who you are! Along with those big blue eyes and that smile!
I am so unbelievably grateful for the time we got to have with you! 28 months wasn't long enough, but as I've thought back on it all I realize our time could have gotten cut short much sooner! It was such a blessing we had you with us as long as we did! We learned so much from you! You allowed me the privilege of being a mother! You taught me to never give up, but to think I can and keep going! I still am learning things from you and your example and zeal for life!
We wish every day that you could still be here with us, but I feel you near often and that is a blessing I hold dear to my heart! I know you are never far and I can't wait until the day I can hold you in my arms again! I just might not let go! Happy happy birthday my sweet boy! I hope you always know how much we love you and I hope perhaps you are having some angel food cake for your birthday! We love you so much!
Love,
Mama

Easter Season - HALLELUJAH

Throughout my life I was always aware and grateful for the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ! It gave me the blessings to knowing I could see those who had passed away.  It gave me hope for life after death. But after Tacen passed away it became more real.  I did a little math today and it's been 1241 days since Tacen passed away (almost 3.5 years). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. That I don't long for him to be here with us right now. Sometimes when I say 3.5 years it just doesn't sound as long as it feels, but today when I thought of 1241 days that felt more like how it feels to me. It's been a long time! I miss him!
Then Easter comes around and I am again reminded of the beautiful plan our Heavenly Father has for us! He laid out a perfect and wonderful plan for us to come to earth, grow, make mistakes, learn, repent and live our lives. Each of us would one day pass away and then we are promised resurrection! We are promised the chance to be with our loved ones again!

If you haven't watched this beautiful video you should! It describes how my heart feels! I am ever grateful for a loving Heavenly Father giving us this beautiful plan and our brother, Jesus Christ being so loving and willing to not only atone for our sins, but our hardships, heartaches and pains and then to die on the cross and rise again so that we might as well! I will be with my son again. I will hold him really tight! I'll hug him and kiss him and probably won't let him go! He's mine not just for the short 28 months we had him here, but forever! He will live again one day and he'll be perfect! He won't have the physical challenges he faced here! He'll be perfect and it will be glorious! This Easter season I hope you can feel the hope it brings into all of our lives! He can take away sorrows! Hallelujah!

Playing with their brother

 Friday (2.19.16) we ran to the store for some milk and I decided to stop by the cemetery! We've taken to calling it Tacen's special place. We talked about how there were many people who had special places here and it was all the people who were in heaven and couldn't be here with us any more. This seems to really make sense for Daxon and I love it. As soon as we got there the kids started playing on his headstone! At first I wasn't sure how to react! The longer I thought about it I loved it. I loved that they were "playing" in the only way they can right now with their brother. I worried it might seem disrespectful, but its ours! We chose that headstone, we paid for it and he's our son and their brother. So if climbing on it makes them happy while we visit its a ok in my book! I loved this simple little moment where they had the chance to play with their brother! We sure miss you Tacen! Always and forever until we get to see you again! We Love You!

All Together For A Moment

Last night we watched a few videos of Tacen which I always love to do! I just love to see him alive! Then last night he was running through my dreams (literally he was running in them and was just in them). I don't get to dream about Tacen nearly often enough! I wish that he was in my dreams every night. I've thought a lot lately and last night as the watched the video how I wish so badly I could see him for just one moment. That I could hold him! Kiss his face! Smell his scent! Just take it all in one more time for a brief moment! I long for this so much! As I awoke this morning after having dreamt about him last night it was as if my family, Cade and our 3 children and myself had all been together for the night! It was real enough that I felt like I had been with him! Which I love so much. It filled that small void for a moment to make me feel like our family had been together! Oh how I long for that day and look forward to it with more excitement than I can explain! Until them my sweet boy! I miss you! Thanks for running through my dreams last night!

Here's a couple of the videos we watch last night! Iszella especially loved these two! She even said, "Tace!" So glad my kids have the opportunity to know their brother and that we have pictures and videos of him for them to see!

My Boy

Saturday (2.13.16) this photo popped up on Facebook as a memory. I've had a lot of thoughts running through my mind the last week or so I just want to get written out! One being that I LOVE talking about Tacen if you know me at all you will know that I still bring up Tacen and he is still apart of regular conversations in my life. He's my boy! He ALWAYS will be. I still am floored sometimes at the reactions that I get when I bring him up! The most common is for the person to whom I am speaking to pretty much freeze and not say anything about Tacen. I've always understood that its a difficult subject, yet I've always felt that its most difficult for me and if I want to talk about him then you should be ok with it. Maybe that's not the right approach, but that's how I feel. It's hard not having him a here and I just want to talk about him like I do our other children!

Second thought as this picture popped up its hard for him to just be a memory. He's not a reality right now and that's hard. It's hard to know what was and what could be, but not have it right now.

Third thought is my heart has just been aching for my boy over the last week or so. It just hits me at very different, but distinct times! Tears come to my eyes and I just feel the ache that loss brings. I don't always understand what triggers this, but I know my heart aches. I know I miss him and I think of him often! I just wish he were still here! So for now I love that these memories can still pop up and I can still see pictures and videos of this sweet boy of mine!