I was sitting thinking of Tacen reading a sweet friends blog about her son who passed away while I was up feeding Iszella (8.18.14) and it reminded me of the night before Tacen passed away. I hadn't recorded these thoughts and felt prompted that I ought to. It was Sunday evening Oct 28, 2012 and Tacen had taken a turn for the worse as he often did at night. I had come back to the hospital at like 11pm. They had Tacen on the highest form of respiratory life support the oscillator and his lungs were beginning to fill with fluid. After that there was nothing they could do.
Cade and I asked for some time alone in the room with Tacen. We discussed how we knew that if it was Heavenly Father's will that we had full faith that Tacen would be healed, but we also knew it might not be Heavenly Fathers will for us or Tacen. We came to the decision together that we were tired of seeing Tacen's health declining and if it was His will to heal him we knew it would be so. If not we were prepared to let him continue his journey.
Our sweet Bishop, Vince Longshore was there (I know he and his sweet wife must have been as exhausted as we were because not a single day went by that they didn't come and sit with us). After Cade and I had come to that decision we asked everyone to come back into the room. Bishop in his wisdom asked if we had told Tacen it was ok for him to go. He said these spirits can hold on. I knew then we needed to tell Tacen how proud we were of him and that we knew he had fought hard. I had sat at his bed side many times asking him to fight to stay with us and I knew he'd done just that! But I also knew we needed to tell Tacen that if it was his time to go we would be ok. That we understood it was Heavenly Father's will and we would be accepting of that.
I tried to sleep at the hospital that night. It was choppy sleep as I worried any second might be his last. My sweet friend Brenda had stayed the night with Daxon who spent a large portion screaming. I know she was also running on fumes!
The next day there was an obvious difference in Tacen. His eyes would occasionally roll open and you could tell they didn't have their sparkle. It was as if we could tell his spirit was gone for most of the day.
We knew that evening it was time to say good bye! I'll never forget holding my sweet boy and singing I Am A Child of God one last time to him here on the earth! We felt his sweet spirit enter his body one last time right before he passed. We knew he was with us and telling us goodbye! We were able to hold him near as he took his last breaths!
Not a day passes I don't think of our sweet boy! Not a day passes that I'm not a better person because I was able to be his mother and have him in my life! I love you Tacen! I miss you!
I can't even begin to express how much I admire you and your strength. You are such an amazing person. I can't imagine what you have gone through. I cry when I read your stories. Regardless of your trials, you stand strong. If I had even half of your strength I would be lucky. I love you and your sweet family. Thanks for your friendship and amazing example you set for the people around you!
ReplyDeleteKelsie, I cannot read these stories without them blurring through my tears. You are such a great example of faith in the Lord and have such faith in his gospel. You are proof that Heavenly Father will comfort us in our greatest trials. I cannot wrap my head around how you are so strong. But I thank you for your wonderful example. You bless so many lives around you that you probably don't realize, including mine. What a wonderful little boy he must be! And what valiant spirits you and Cade are! It just blows me away because I can feel your testimony in your writing. I still ache for you and Cade. But thank you again for being such wonderful examples. Much love!
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