Decorating T's Special Place

Saturday (12.3.16) we went down to the cemetary with Papa and Grandma Ruthie to put the little tree on Tacen's grave! My parents have been so great to decorate his grave and I so much appreciate it! The kids love going down to Tacen's special place. The tree looked cute with lights, ornaments and cars. I couldn't help after we got things decorated and Cade and Daxon were running around thinking about how I wish Tacen were here running around with them too, but then I try my best to remember that some day I'll see those dreams and longings fulfilled even if not in this lifetime! We sure love Tacen and we feel so blessed that he's apart of our family! 

4 Years

Dear Tacen

It's been four years today since you went back to Heaven! We still miss you like crazy! You've been on my mind a lot lately. I think that's pretty normal for October, but being pregnant with another baby brother or sister of yours has heightened my emotions! There's so many things I often wonder about! I wonder what you'd be like as a 6 year old! I wonder what it would be like to have you here with us. I wonder how our family dynamics would be. But there are so many blessings you bring to our family even though you aren't here! I feel you near often! I love knowing that you are watching over us and that we have our own guardian angel! I love thinking about your being in heaven with this new sibling that will join our family in the spring!
Its hard to believe its been 4 years! How have you been gone that long? We are inching closer to you being gone twice as long as you were here with us, but we are also 4 years closer to seeing you! I love to think about that day. I imagine the sun will be shining it will be warm and bright. I'll see you and you'll be able to run to me! I'm certain I'll pick you up and never want to let you go, but I know I'll have to share you with your dad! I can't wait sweet boy!
Thank you so much for watching over us! Thank you for choosing our family and being the perfect boy you are! You give me so much hope. You keep me grounded and constantly remind me of what's really important in life! I hope I can be as good as you and one day be back with you!

Love you my sweet boy!
Always- Mom

...And then there were...six!

We are excited to announce that we are expecting another sweet baby to be added to our family in April 2017! When we miscarried at 11 weeks in June it was a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. We had taken Daxon and Iszella with us to the appointment only to find out there was no heartbeat and the baby was measuring only 8 weeks. I was still nauseated and throwing up and so confused as to how the baby had stopped developing! Then to top off such a devastating day we had to try to explain to our kids, especially Daxon that there was no baby in my belly and that our baby was going to stay with Tacen in heaven.  I felt awful that my sweet 4 year old who already has had to experience loss and trying to understand it at such a young age was again having to try to understand loss. Thankfully Iszella was pretty oblivious, but for weeks Daxon kept asking about the baby in my belly! I tried my best to explain this in the best way I knew how. It took a while, but he finally stopped talking about the baby in my belly quite as much.

We knew we still desperately wanted to add to our family and we feel so blessed that we were able to get pregnant again! I have been sicker than ever, but feel so lucky that our sweet baby is 13 weeks, measuring right on and has had a great, strong heartbeat! We are anxious for this little one to join our family! The kids are excited about this sweet baby which they've helped me decide we are calling Baby Fruit Loop.

My hormones have been all over the place, especially when it comes to Tacen lately! We are approaching his 4th angelversary and it seems so hard to believe that he hasn't been here with us for that long. This month always brings a waive of emotions, but especially after our miscarriage and now having extra pregnancy hormones I have found myself with tears running down my face often as I think of our sweet Tacen or miss him! I know he's close, but I sure do miss him! No matter how much time passes I still long to have him here with us. I often find myself wondering what it would be like to have a 6 year old and wish he was here with us now! I'm hoping he'll be close to us through this pregnancy and that he's with this sweet baby in heaven telling him/her good things about our family! We can't wait to have another little piece of heaven in our home! 

The Same Age

Today marks the day that Iszella is as old as Tacen was when he passed away! It is so nice to now have two children who have passed this mark. I'm so thankful to see Iszella walking, talking and progressing as she should. It's such a blessing to me to have two beautiful healthy children still here with us! Yet, its surreal. It's so crazy to me that Iszella who was never alive while Tacen was is now as old as he was. Sometimes she seems so much older because she talks well and walks well. Milestones Tacen never reached. Yet size wise she's still much smaller than Tacen was. It's hard to believe in just a little under two months Tacen will have been gone for 4 years! If there is one thing I have learned it's that life goes on. It stops for no one! I'm thankful for the beautiful life we had with Tacen, for the beautiful life we now have and for the knowledge that Tacen is always near and one day (no matter how far away) I'll get to experience all the experiences moving forward with Tacen! Until then I'm thankful for the days we get with Daxon and Iszella. For the things Tacen has taught me and the things he continues to teach me and bring to my remembrance! 

Accepting the Lord’s Will and Timing

The other night I was reading the Ensign and came across this article,  "Accepting the Lord’s Will and Timing" By Elder David A. Bednar.  Here's a few parts that stood out to me:

"I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”"

"In his October 1997 general conference message, Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’--meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.”"

"I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “John, do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”"

"...strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives--even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted."

"Elder Bednar, I do not want to die. I do not want to leave Heather. But if the will of the Lord is to transfer me to the spirit world, then I guess I am good with that.”"

There were a few parts of this that I really relate to. The part which says, "Do you have faith not to be healed?" In our experience with Tacen that's how I felt. We knew that God could perform a miracle, but it wasn't His will for Tacen and our family and his will was for us to accept that he would not be healed and that he would return to our Heavenly Father!

Then the end really reminded me of what I feel like I have learned since Tacen's passing. "And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity."

"Thus, their experience was not primarily about living and dying; rather, it was about learning, living, and becoming."

Because of Tacen I have learned many things I couldn't have learned in any other way. It has taught me about life, about joy and about becoming who I am supposed to become.  All of these things have happened since we lost Tacen. Tacen changed me and he continues to help me be better! I'm grateful for the chance to be his mom. Because even though losing Tacen makes me feel like a piece of my heart is missing I wouldn't trade all those memories and the love for anything! It love looking back on pictures and remembering to pure joy he brought into our lives. I'm grateful for an eternal Father in Heaven who understands us and loves us. He helps us through our deepest hardest moments and not only do we get through them, but we come out stronger, better and more refined!
Each trial we face and overcome we become stronger! I continue to learn this in my life. Life is not without trial, but each time I face something difficult looking back I see how I learned. I see our Heavenly Father's hand in my life and I come through. I make it through. I have highs and lows, but I am learning and trying to better. Because life is wonderful! Life is worth living!

Here's a couple pictures of my sweet boy!

Iszella has really been into lip gloss lately. Maybe it's the age! 

Learning from Loss

If there is one thing I have learned along my journey of loss its that it teaches you things. I have learned that loss is hard! That its a struggle and a grieving process. It's not something you just get over. Its something you learn to live with and it can strike again at any moment. You have those moments where sadness and grief take over and I have learned that I need those moments. I need to take the moments to let the emotion out.
Yet, in all of this loss has taught me to slow down! That life is short and you are never guaranteed that tomorrow will be the same as today. It has taught me that my children are precious and special. It has taught me to appreciate my husband more. I am grateful for every day I have with them. I am not perfect. I'm a normal mother with normal frustrations and struggles, but loss has taught me that each moment is special. Each child of mine brings me light and joy into my life in a different way. It has taught me to hold on a little tighter, to love a little stronger and to not let the simple and special moments pass by! Tacen continues to remind me to stop and slow down!
Loss has taught me to appreciate the moments in my life. To appreciate pregnancy in all its glory and miracles because even when it can difficult there are those who want nothing more than to carry a child within their womb. To appreciate that through the ashes and struggles we can arise and be more!
Loss has taught me that everyone has struggles. Every struggle is hard for the person experiencing it and there is no need to compare! The struggles, the losses they make us stronger! I've never wanted loss to define me! I want to rise above just like my Tacen and say, "I think I can!" and then get up with a smile on my face and press on! Because I am learning and I am growing! I am trying to appreciate the simple moments. To stop and hold my children tightly, to love them fiercely and to feel gratitude in my life! So as someone who as experienced loss for me, please stop and enjoy those moments! Because even when something is hard I have a life to live and I am grateful to wake up in the morning and be here with the children and family I have been blessed with here on the earth! Its not going to get easier. Life isn't meant to be easy. Life is meant to help us grow! So I am going to keep on growing because loss won't define me! I won't let it!

Celebrating Tacen

Each year as those we love share pictures of balloons or time spent in water it warms my heart and touches me so! We just love seeing you remember and celebrate Tacen! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about Tacen and our family! You'll never know how much it means to me!

Tacen's Day - 6th Birthday

Saturday (7.2.16) we celebrated Tacen's 6th Birthday. We got up and left around 8am to head to Seven Peaks in Provo. We met up with JJ and Josh and had a fun day playing in the water just like Tacen would love. It was a little emotional for me given that had we not miscarried a week ago we would have been 12 weeks on Friday (7.1.16) and we were planning to announce an upcoming baby which I thought would help lessen the sadness of celebrating Tacen's birthday without him, but instead we were not only celebrating Tacen's birthday with out him, but we aren't pregnant any more. There was a quite of bit emotion on my part. We had a rough couple weeks and I'm happy to have them behind me. The drive out I felt the sadness creeping in, but by the time we got to Seven Peaks and starting playing it really helped. I find myself feeling mopey especially on days like T's birthday, but getting out of the house, playing with Daxon and Iszella and being with Cade and then you add fun in the water and it's perfect! It was just what I needed and I was so grateful to be spending the day with my family! We rode slides, played in lazy river, slid down the kids slides and did the wave pool. Perfect way to celebrate our Tacen! 

We headed home around 2pm. Iszella was so worn out she fell right asleep trying to drink her milk. Poor girl! We got home just before 5pm. I got Hawaiian Haystacks going for dinner and Cade's parents and Kimbrie (our niece) came over. We had to have rice for dinner since that's one of Tacen's favorites. Iszella ate really well which is rare for her lately. After dinner we all enjoyed cupcakes and then we went on out to send off Tacen's 6 blue balloons! Daxon loves the idea of sending them to Tacen. When we told Daxon that it was Tacen's birthday his first response was, "Is he coming down?" That's a hard part of dealing with the loss of a child is that I know how badly Daxon wants to see his brother and its so hard for him to understand why he can't just come back from heaven and see us! I wish so badly he could come and see us! 

We ended the day watching our picture slideshow/video of Tacen. I love remembering him and spending the day as he would have loved! We miss you sweet boy!

Tacen's 6th Birthday

Dear Tacen

You would be six today! Happy Birthday my sweet boy! Its hard to imagine what you would be like at six. I imagine you would be wrecking havoc and causing trouble with your brother and sister! Something I long for quite often. I wish I could take a peak for just a moment at what might have been if you were still here with us. Its hard for me to imagine!
We all miss you. Daxon talks about you often! He says things like, "Mom I miss Tacen I wish he could come down with us!" He recently found and extra pillow in his closet and he put it on his bed and said, "That's for Tace so when he comes down he can sleep with me and I will give him his b (blanket) back." Daxon has been sleeping with one of your blankets the last 6 months or so. I am constantly amazed at how much he thinks about and speaks of you! He knows and loves you and I am so grateful for that! One of my biggest fears from the moment you passed away was forgetting. I didn't want to forget anything about you and I didn't want others to forget you. I know that time has made my memories fade, but you are definitely not forgotten!
Iszella is starting to talk more of you too! She loves to talk about how I am her mom. Then she begins listing, "Iszie's mom! Tacen's mom! Daxon's mom!" She knows and loves you!
The kids love to go to the cemetery or your special place as we've started calling it. Daxon has noticed that their are other graves and he knows that those people also have special places and they are in heaven with you. He's a smart boy! The kids always climb on your headstone, which at first I wasn't sure if that was ok, but then I realized that it was their only way of playing with you and its an endearing sight for me to see!
Tacen as I think about the day you were born and the two birthdays we got to spend with you I am reminded of all the joy you brought into our lives! The day you were born you made your dad and I so happy and so proud. We were so excited to be parents and you fulfilled that dream for us! You were stubborn and made us wait for what seemed like forever the last month of my pregnancy, but that first time I held you in my arms it was all worth it. You instantly had me with your bright blue eyes and dark hair!
On you first birthday I recall playing so joyfully in the water and digging right into your cake! You had a smile on your face most of the day! That contagious smile of yours!
On your second birthday I think about how I went a little overboard on your birthday party. I guess that's what happens with your first! I made car shaped crayons, race tracks, cars frozen in water and more than I can recall! I remember being thankful after you passed away that your last birthday was a big one! We were so happy to celebrate you! Your love for cars was a big part of who you are! Along with those big blue eyes and that smile!
I am so unbelievably grateful for the time we got to have with you! 28 months wasn't long enough, but as I've thought back on it all I realize our time could have gotten cut short much sooner! It was such a blessing we had you with us as long as we did! We learned so much from you! You allowed me the privilege of being a mother! You taught me to never give up, but to think I can and keep going! I still am learning things from you and your example and zeal for life!
We wish every day that you could still be here with us, but I feel you near often and that is a blessing I hold dear to my heart! I know you are never far and I can't wait until the day I can hold you in my arms again! I just might not let go! Happy happy birthday my sweet boy! I hope you always know how much we love you and I hope perhaps you are having some angel food cake for your birthday! We love you so much!
Love,
Mama

Easter Season - HALLELUJAH

Throughout my life I was always aware and grateful for the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ! It gave me the blessings to knowing I could see those who had passed away.  It gave me hope for life after death. But after Tacen passed away it became more real.  I did a little math today and it's been 1241 days since Tacen passed away (almost 3.5 years). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. That I don't long for him to be here with us right now. Sometimes when I say 3.5 years it just doesn't sound as long as it feels, but today when I thought of 1241 days that felt more like how it feels to me. It's been a long time! I miss him!
Then Easter comes around and I am again reminded of the beautiful plan our Heavenly Father has for us! He laid out a perfect and wonderful plan for us to come to earth, grow, make mistakes, learn, repent and live our lives. Each of us would one day pass away and then we are promised resurrection! We are promised the chance to be with our loved ones again!

If you haven't watched this beautiful video you should! It describes how my heart feels! I am ever grateful for a loving Heavenly Father giving us this beautiful plan and our brother, Jesus Christ being so loving and willing to not only atone for our sins, but our hardships, heartaches and pains and then to die on the cross and rise again so that we might as well! I will be with my son again. I will hold him really tight! I'll hug him and kiss him and probably won't let him go! He's mine not just for the short 28 months we had him here, but forever! He will live again one day and he'll be perfect! He won't have the physical challenges he faced here! He'll be perfect and it will be glorious! This Easter season I hope you can feel the hope it brings into all of our lives! He can take away sorrows! Hallelujah!

Playing with their brother

 Friday (2.19.16) we ran to the store for some milk and I decided to stop by the cemetery! We've taken to calling it Tacen's special place. We talked about how there were many people who had special places here and it was all the people who were in heaven and couldn't be here with us any more. This seems to really make sense for Daxon and I love it. As soon as we got there the kids started playing on his headstone! At first I wasn't sure how to react! The longer I thought about it I loved it. I loved that they were "playing" in the only way they can right now with their brother. I worried it might seem disrespectful, but its ours! We chose that headstone, we paid for it and he's our son and their brother. So if climbing on it makes them happy while we visit its a ok in my book! I loved this simple little moment where they had the chance to play with their brother! We sure miss you Tacen! Always and forever until we get to see you again! We Love You!