12 Years Without You!

 Dearest Tacen,

It's been 12 years today without you here with us! Oh how we miss you. I've thought a lot lately about how you could have gone to high school this year. I often wondered if I'd hold you since you were a summer birthday, but as I have looked at Daxon and Tyg I have also thought that if you were like them as a little boy I most likely would have sent you and you'd be a 9th grader, a freshman in high school! It feels crazy we could have a child that old! Life with you here feels like a completely different lifetime. One I sometimes strain to remember, but also one that the thief of time continues to pull away a little at a time. Thankfully I still have many memories of you as well as pictures and videos. But that time in our life feels far away. Things were so different, so much simpler when you were here with us. I miss you!

As always, I think of how we are 12 years closer to seeing you again! 12 years is a long time and I'm thankful to have made it this far. Tyg and I went and put a little pumpkin light and ghost on your headstone. We brushed off some dirt and Tyg looked at your picture and then said, "Tacen is my best friend!' He says that quite often about people he loves and I'm glad to know you are one of those people. I'm sure he might remember you or maybe he can still see you sometimes. I'm not sure. I'm thankful that even though I can't see you or heaven that it's never very far! As we were heading to visit the cemetery I looked up in the sky of the rays of light were peeking out of the clouds. I immediately said there you are Tacen! I have come to see you in rays of light and especially sun spots in pictures. It always makes me think you are near. 

My heart misses you sweet boy! But I am forever thankful for a Savior and Heavenly Father who have a perfect plan so we can be together again. I hold onto that truth with all I am! Being with you again is one of my greatest goals! Sometimes we argue (playfully) in our family who will get to hug you first and I always say me! It will be the best hug ever! I love you! Stay close to us and until we get to see you again, 12 years closer!

Love, 

Mom

Happy Birthday Tacen - 14 Years

 Dear Tacen,

Happy birthday sweet boy! You'd be 14 today. How is that possible? All I can imagine is your sweet 2 year old face! I was thinking this morning about when you were born. That day we had a doctors appointment like many ones before and I wasn't too hopeful you'd come. You were stubborn from the start. Little did  I know that evening you'd be born. What a blessing. Not long after you were born fireworks went off outside our hospital room. The world knew you'd be a light from the start!

We are getting ready to head on vacation so your birthday looks a little different today as we get packed and ready to go. But don't worry Cars movies will be played, water will happen at some point and we are having rice with dinner. I opted for sugar cookies this year instead of cupcakes. 

We've been talking about how you could have gone to FSY this year. We always wonder what your interests would be. I wish so badly we could see you today as a 14 year old. Oh how fun it would be to have you here with us! But I know you were meant for big things on the other side. I also often wish I could peak into the heavens for a small moments and see the wonders you've seen or the things you are doing! I look forward to that day, the day we'll see you again!

You continue to teach us so much. I see the way our kids know about the resurrection and look forward to the second coming and it brings me joy that they have a much better, deeper understanding than I did as a child. They all love you so much and wish you could be here too. Lula May especially is often saying how it's taking so long for you to come back when Jesus does. She just knows you'd be her buddy and I'm sure you just might be. 

Since having Tyg I catch glimpses of you in him. He loves cars, trucks and trains. Maybe not quite as much as you did, but he loves them. He loves the mow mows just like you and anything with wheels and motor. It's been so healing to having another little boy especially after so long. I've loved watching it all again. Tyg is older than you were when you passed away. It's crazy to me how that has happened. Now all of our  children are older than you were. Your life felt so short and yet longer than time is passing now. I'm so thankful for the short time we got have you here and all you taught us. We just love you so much. We all miss you! 

Thanks for being our son. Thanks for being in our family. We are so grateful for eternal families and temple blessings and the promises of our reunion in a future day and time! I hold on to that with all I have. I love you so much sweet boy. Keep watching over us. Be close when you can. Above all always know we love and miss you!

Happy birthday sweet boy. Eat some cake in heaven and catch your balloons when we send the your way!

Love,

Mom

Decorating Tacen's Special Place for Memorial Day Weekend

  Saturday (5.25.24) morning after helping clean the church we took Tacen's truck all planted with flowers out to his special place (the cemetery). I love the tradition of planting a truck for Tacen.  Seeing those trucks reminds me of him. Bringing it home after Memorial Day reminds me of him all summer. We sure love and miss our boy. Tyg has been in to trucks, trains, cars, etc lately and it reminds me of Tacen often. Lula and Lucille have been talking about him coming back. Lula always says its taking too long. She also, keeps telling me Tacen would be her buddy! We sure love our sweet boy and long for that day when we can be with him again! We are so grateful for Stephanie Smith who year after year adds a truck. She's so thoughtful. G'ma Sue and Pa put one on too and Grandma Ruthie and Papa added pinwheels (which he loved at the cemetery when Grandpa Knight passed away right before him) and a red truck. We also had some anonymous flowers too. Tacen is love and it means so much when he is remembered! 

Tyg the Same age as Tacen

 Thursday (5.16.24) Tyg was the same age as Tacen when Tacen passed away. It feels wild number one that Tyg is that old and number two that now all of our children have passed the age he was. It's both crazy and exciting. We are so glad our other children are developing and progressing normal and well. It always feels like an accomplishment to make it to this point! There are definite similarities between Tyg and Tacen. Tyg loves cars, trains, trucks, tractors, etc just as Tacen did. I often find myself thinking of him watching Tyg play. So thankful for both these boys. To know one day we'll raise Tacen and all will be made right and to have Tyg here now. 

11 Years

Dearest Tacen,

It's been 11 years today since you returned to heaven! 11 years without you and it often feels like another lifetime that you were here with us. Oh how we miss you and can't wait to be reunited with you someday. The kids talk about and love you and it warms my heart when they bring you up. Iszella left her seat belt buckled in our expedition and it tells you which buckles are buckled and which are not. I went to drive by myself this week and hers was buckled along with mine. When I was asking her about it, she simply said, "mom it was Tacen." It made me smile. I know it's silly, but I love that she thought of you. The kids often talk about how we have one more seat for Tacen in our expedition. 

We talk about how losing Tacen has changed us. It's leaves it mark. One of those is that we realize often how short life is. We realize that life can change on a dime. If eel like we hold our other kids a little closer or makes choices to do things all together because you just never know. I'm thankful for the reminder of this in our Tacen. I'm thankful for the light he brought with that continues to still touch our lives. 

I'll forever have the moments where I wish Tacen was here or wondering what things would be like to have a 13 year old. Wondering what he'd be doing in school, what his interests would be and how he might get along with our other kids. But I will also be forever grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and his perfect plan of happiness that promises that one day I'll be with him again. One day everything will be made right. I hold on tight to those promises. We sure love you sweet boy. We miss you always. Keep shining on us from heaven!

Love,

Mom

10 Years

It's been 10 years since we said goodbye for now to our Tacen. I'll always remember how long and hard those first days and months were. How I couldn't even imagine making it to 10 years and now here we are. Time continues to pass by. It's a thief that way. The days tend to still feel long, but the years are getting shorter and shorter. Our house is full, our days are full and our family complete, but we always feel Tacen's lacking. The hole he left behind. The way we miss him and wish he was here with us. I feel him and know He's on the Lord's errand for now. I often wish I could take a peek and see what it is he fills his days with. What time looks like for him on the other side. Oh what longing I have to be with him again. I try to wait patiently (although I've never been great at patience) for the time when we will see him again. I try to continue to improve being the mother our children need and also improving so I can be with him again. Tacen you are the mark buddy, the one we all can't wait to be reunited with some day. I see you in your siblings at different times and I am thankful for their reminders of you. 

I've thought of you often as we draw near to a date I never thought I'd have to track. The one that tells me how long it's been since your passing. I think of you a little more. My heart feels a little extra tender to your missing presence. I always add you into our family pictures and lately it's been Lula who asks if you were there with us when we took that picture. Although I know you are near more often than I even realize I have to explain how you weren't here in person. Oh how I wish you were. We are one year closer to seeing you again my sweet boy, one year closer to holding you in my arms. Stay near please sweet boy. Watch over us. Help us when we need it most. I love you Tacen! 

Happy 12th Birthday

 Happy 12th birthday to my sweet boy, the one who made me a mother 12 years ago. This year would have been a big one, you would have started young men's and being going with dad to deacon's quorum, you would have had the chance to go to the temple for the first time. You would have finished elementary school and been headed to Jr High. So many changes would have been happening and you would be turning into a young man! Instead we think of you as our sweet 2 year old boy who we wait to be united with again some day! We talk of you often. Lula May has had an extra affinity for talking of you lately and missing you. She often vocalizes how she wishes you were here. I feel you have been near her lately for her to feel so strongly of you over the last 6-12 months.  Normally on your birthday we fill the day with cars movies, water activities, rice and cake and of course sending balloons. However, this year we get to spend the day with the Kowallis Family. Hayden is going through the temple in preparation to leave on his mission and I think this will also be a wonderful way to celebrate you and your special day. Being in the temple has been the place I feel you nearest most often. So we will just extend celebrating you for several days and do extra water days and more. 

Over this last year we added our last baby to our family and your baby brother. I have pondered often that if you had still been here with us I am not sure we would have had Tyg. I don't know that I would have been able to handle 6 kids here and things would have been different. I see you in Tyg. I see similarities and he reminds me of you sometimes. I know God's hand has been in our life and in our family. I know this was His plan for our family and for you and I trust and have faith that we are 9.5 years closer to being with you again. We love you so much sweet boy. We all miss you and wish often that you were here. Dad and I talk about how things might look different, but mostly we live in the glory of where you are and working each day to be better so we can be with you again some day. You are so loved and so missed! Keep watching over us Tace! We love you

Love, Mom

9 Years

As I have been pondering Tacen and the fact he's been gone 9 years, it brought to mind a lesson I've been learning since earlier this year. When Tacen passed away it was easy for me to say we didn't get our miracle, but we could see the Lord's hand. We understood and knew His will for both Tacen and our family. We knew it was Tacen's time to go and we know where he is. My dear friend Jen whose sweet husband passed away 1.5 years ago taught me an important lesson. I was talking with her about this and she taught me of their miracle. It got me thinking and reflecting. Some of our miracles with Tacen were he started have his "regressions" at 13 months and we had him with us until 28 months. We had our week in the hospital which was a very sacred time for our family, one where I was able to come to acceptance. Since that time we have been blessed innumerably with special and spiritual experiences with Tacen.

Then I got to reflecting on our life and family. It's hard to know what would have been, but I don't know if we would have had Iszella so quickly. She and Daxon have always been so close and their relationship might have looked different. We likely would have stopped having children after Lula May. 2 boys, 2 girls, the perfect combination. But then we added Lucille, who is such a light and blessing and felt prompted and guided that one more spirit NEEDED to come to our family, this sweet little baby boy I am carrying now. This is not the path I would have chosen for myself in so many ways, but it is the path that was meant to be. The one that is right for our family.  I couldn't trade Tacen for Lucille and this baby. In ways losing Tacen has helped my heart to grow and in the growing it has helped my own heart to heal which was what I needed in my personal journey. 

We also discuss often of the many things we have learned through the experience of losing our son. The ways it has helped me to grow. The testimony it gave me of my Savior. He was never more tangible and real for me than those days leading up to Tacen's passing and also the days and months following. While we often have said we wished we could have learned these things in another way, that wasn't our path and I am grateful for my own personal learning and growth. 

So as I reflect on the 9 years without my sweet boy. The longing I always have to have him here with us, I also reflect on all I've learned because of him. On how my life has been so blessed by being his mother. On how I am a better person for the experiences I've had that directly relate to my sweet boy. I am forever grateful for you Tacen! You bring light into my life. I look forward with so much joy to seeing you again some day. I love thinking of you being with your baby brother right now and wish so badly I could hug you one more time. Sending all my love and 9 years closer to seeing those piercing blue eyes and getting one of your hugs! 

First Snow and Decorating T's Special Place

   Saturday (12.12.20) we went and put Tacen's tree on his special place. It was snowing and it was the first snow of the winter Christmas season. I love the magic snow brings with it and I was thrilled it was snowing. It added to the special feeling as we decorated T's grave. I sat thinking about how you never really plan to have to do something like decorate your 2 year old son's grave. But I am grateful that the kids know and love Tacen and we can do these special things to include and honor him. We miss our sweet boy! Iszella said just the other day in reference to Tacen, "mom two year just isn't long enough!" and I said I agree! 

8 Years - Tacen

  Its been 8 years since our sweet boy returned home and now we are 8 years closer! I've been thinking lately about how life looks so different than it did 8 years ago. We were in Optometry school. Just in our second year. We had just had our second child. We were in our 20's! My days looked so different than they do now. I spent most of my days following around 2 busy boys. Lots of hot wheels cars and mud and water! Sleepy snuggles and a screaming baby. Now we have been out of school for 5.5 years! We own our own home, have 3 more children. 2 in school full day which brings its own added busyness. 2 little girls at home. A crazy busy, slightly emotional 3 year old and a 10 month old baby girl. It seems often like life with Tacen was another lifetime! 

I was adding him into some family pictures we had taken recently and looking at home. When he passed away he was just under 3 ft tall. Shorter than Lula May is now. It's strange that he is smaller than 3 of our 4  children still here. It's strange to think he should be 10, but it is eternally frozen as a 2 year old for me right now. I find myself wondering what he would be like each time one of these anniversaries passes me by. We still talk of him often! You are so missed sweet boy. You are always remembered and never forgotten. We are ever grateful to know you are watching over us until we can be together again. We are still trying to do our best so we can be reunited. Love you so much sweet boy! 8 Years Closer! 

Happy 10th Birthday Tacen

Dearest Tacen-

You would be 10 years old today! 10! It's crazy to think you'd be double digits! That I've been a parent for a decade! Crazy! We have been working to finish the last bedroom in our basement and it is going to be a guest bedroom/exercise room. I am decorating it with your things. Your name, your temple picture and Jesus picture and some other pictures of you. I am also going to get some different car pictures and make a car collage that I think you would LOVE! I've always wanted to have a room for you and get your things back out. At least some of them.
As we were pulling out your box there were a few t-shirts that we kept separate from the ones Daxon wore when he was your age. As I pulled them out it was surprising to me to remember how small they were and how small you are. I think in part because as Daxon has aged I picture you being big like him even though I also can't picture that...if that makes any sense. It made me miss you more that day and wish you were still here.
Daxon still talks often of wishing you were here to be his brother. I asked Lula the other day where you were and she said movies and pictures. So we had a nice talk about how you are in heaven with Jesus. The kids ask often when you will get to come back. When is Jesus coming again so we can see Tacen? It's been a long time! It's taking FOREVER!
The moments I feel you near are some of my favorites. It doesn't happen as often as it used too, so I really cherish them when they do happen! I like to think that you are watching over your brother and sisters! It was fun as we welcomed Lucille to our family to think of her being in Heaven with you before she came. I do love that!
We spend today thinking of you! Celebrating you and missing you! Can't wait until I can hug you again...Love you my sweet boy!
Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

7 years

I remember vividly when Tacen passed away wondering how I could make it through the days ahead without him. How could I make it 7 days, let alone 7 months or 7 years??? It feels to me now that each year is a milestone of sorts! My grief is different now than it was those first few years. I still miss my sweet boy like crazy, but it hits me in waves sometimes unsuspecting and sometimes right on cue! However, it's not so all consuming as it once was. I'm not sure if that is time or if it has something to do with life moving forward. We have 2 more kids and another one to come in 7 weeks or so! Life is busy and crazy and I love it that way, but I don't have the time to sit and think about Tacen like I did after he passed away and it was just me and Dax home all day.
Now I think of him in different ways. Like when our kids bring him up and we talk about how they miss him and wish he could be here. When Daxon is frustrated with his sisters playing something he doesn't want and he says in frustration, "mom I just wish Tacen were here! Then we could play cars!" When Lula May looks at a picture where I have superimposed Tacen to be in it with our family and she says, "Tacen" as she points to him and it's almost a surprise that he would be in the picture with us. When Iszella asks in innocence "mom when will Tacen come back? I miss him!" I long to have all the answers to these sweet questions. I long for Daxon to have his brother here with him!
When I think of how he would be 9! How has that much time passed that we should have a 9 year old!? Yet I can't picture him being 9. I try to picture what he would look like, but he's frozen in time as that precious little 2.5 year old boy of mine. I wonder how he would have grown and changed. I wonder what his interests would be. I wonder a lot, but most of these questions will go unanswered for now.
But then I have those sweet moments like thinking of Tacen being with our sweet daughter as she awaits to join our family. I like to hope he is telling her good things about our family and us as parents. I like to think he is enjoying spending sometime with her before they will be separated for a time.
I know our sweet Tacen watches over us and I am ever grateful to know that our own guardian angel has so much of a vested interest in our family. I feel his love for us and I pray often that he will know of our love for him.
As life continues I think of the joy and happiness I still have in my life. I think about how life is not easy, but honestly how it wasn't mean to be. Yet, I have found joy and happiness just as I know Tacen would want me to. He found so much joy in the little things and we won't know in this life just how much pain he was in or exactly what his struggles were like, but I am sure there was some of that. Yet he found joy and we can too!
I miss my sweet boy. I always will! But I have seen how time changes and softens things. Thankfully the pain isn't so raw, the edges not so sharp and I'm here to say that anyone wading through the trenches of grief you can do this! It doesn't get easier but you get more used to it. Its edges soften and it can be less stark and all encompassing! Grief is a journey one you don't ever really figure out, but I have learned to embrace the journey. Give into the moments where I need to cry and even push it aside when it feels like too much for that moment. I have learned so much from my sweet boy and I will ever be grateful for his life, his example and the blessing of having him as my son. 7 years closer to seeing you again Tacer Racer! I love you!

Same Age As Tacen

Our sweet blue eye baby girl, Lula May is the same age as Tacen today! There's always something relieving about making it to this point. About being able to watch Lula May progress in her walking and language in ways Tacen was never able. In being able to see her develop normal and well and feel the blessing of that! It's unimaginable that we would stop our journey with Lula May today and not see her grow anymore. But it also reminds me that that's just what happened with Tacen. His journey has been halted. We still haven't had the chance to watch him grow up and experience the things of this life as our other children have. I still long each and every day for that blessing that I know one day will be mine. But until then I am so grateful to be able to watch his siblings grow up. I'm so grateful for Lula May. She is sweet and sassy. She's such a goof and a tease and such a joy to have in our family. I feel blessed that she is ours! I also feel blessed that Tacen is ours forever. Family is such a blessings. Love you Tacen! Keep watching over your siblings here as they grow! We love you sweet boy!