7 years

I remember vividly when Tacen passed away wondering how I could make it through the days ahead without him. How could I make it 7 days, let alone 7 months or 7 years??? It feels to me now that each year is a milestone of sorts! My grief is different now than it was those first few years. I still miss my sweet boy like crazy, but it hits me in waves sometimes unsuspecting and sometimes right on cue! However, it's not so all consuming as it once was. I'm not sure if that is time or if it has something to do with life moving forward. We have 2 more kids and another one to come in 7 weeks or so! Life is busy and crazy and I love it that way, but I don't have the time to sit and think about Tacen like I did after he passed away and it was just me and Dax home all day.
Now I think of him in different ways. Like when our kids bring him up and we talk about how they miss him and wish he could be here. When Daxon is frustrated with his sisters playing something he doesn't want and he says in frustration, "mom I just wish Tacen were here! Then we could play cars!" When Lula May looks at a picture where I have superimposed Tacen to be in it with our family and she says, "Tacen" as she points to him and it's almost a surprise that he would be in the picture with us. When Iszella asks in innocence "mom when will Tacen come back? I miss him!" I long to have all the answers to these sweet questions. I long for Daxon to have his brother here with him!
When I think of how he would be 9! How has that much time passed that we should have a 9 year old!? Yet I can't picture him being 9. I try to picture what he would look like, but he's frozen in time as that precious little 2.5 year old boy of mine. I wonder how he would have grown and changed. I wonder what his interests would be. I wonder a lot, but most of these questions will go unanswered for now.
But then I have those sweet moments like thinking of Tacen being with our sweet daughter as she awaits to join our family. I like to hope he is telling her good things about our family and us as parents. I like to think he is enjoying spending sometime with her before they will be separated for a time.
I know our sweet Tacen watches over us and I am ever grateful to know that our own guardian angel has so much of a vested interest in our family. I feel his love for us and I pray often that he will know of our love for him.
As life continues I think of the joy and happiness I still have in my life. I think about how life is not easy, but honestly how it wasn't mean to be. Yet, I have found joy and happiness just as I know Tacen would want me to. He found so much joy in the little things and we won't know in this life just how much pain he was in or exactly what his struggles were like, but I am sure there was some of that. Yet he found joy and we can too!
I miss my sweet boy. I always will! But I have seen how time changes and softens things. Thankfully the pain isn't so raw, the edges not so sharp and I'm here to say that anyone wading through the trenches of grief you can do this! It doesn't get easier but you get more used to it. Its edges soften and it can be less stark and all encompassing! Grief is a journey one you don't ever really figure out, but I have learned to embrace the journey. Give into the moments where I need to cry and even push it aside when it feels like too much for that moment. I have learned so much from my sweet boy and I will ever be grateful for his life, his example and the blessing of having him as my son. 7 years closer to seeing you again Tacer Racer! I love you!

Comforting Words

We recently had the chance in our church to listen to General Conference. This is a time when our leaders speak to us.  There were many great and wonderful talks! I look forward to being able to go back and read through them and learn more, but there were two that stuck out to me and I wanted to share a few and how they related to me and our loss of sweet Tacen.

The first talk was given by President Henry B. Eyring first counselor in the first presidency.  He was speaking of a family who had lost a 5 year old boy and he said:

"The father and the mother of the little boy bore witness of the Savior that evening in my living room. The Holy Ghost came, and all were comforted. The parents were strengthened. The burden of grief did not disappear, but they were made able to bear the sorrow. Their faith increased. And their strength will continue to grow as they ask for it and live for it."

I have been there and I know the feeling of having my faith increased. I know that the burden of grieving has never gone away, but I have been made able to bear it!

He goes on to say:

"I saw this miracle of comfort as I arrived outside the chapel where the funeral of the little boy was to be held. I was stopped by a lovely young woman I did not recognize. She said that she was coming to the funeral to mourn and to give comfort if she could.

She said that she had come to the funeral in part for comfort for herself. She told me that her first child had died recently. She was carrying in her arms a beautiful little girl. I leaned toward her to look into the little girl’s smiling face. I asked the baby’s mother, “What is her name?” Her quick and cheerful answer was “Her name is Joy. Joy always comes after sorrow.”"

I have again seen this in my life. I miss Tacen and always will, but we have been so blessed and had so much joy in our lives since he passed away. Having Daxon and Iszella brings me more joy than I can describe! They truly are part of our joy after our sorrow! We have been blessed throughout this journey of losing Tacen by our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. They have carried me through and continue to do so when I think I can not carry myself!

The other talk that really touched me was that of Elder Andersen's "Thy Kingdom Come"

"Our faith grows as we anticipate the glorious day of the Savior’s return to the earth. The thought of His coming stirs my soul. It will be breathtaking! The scope and grandeur, the vastness and magnificence, will exceed anything mortal eyes have ever seen or experienced.

In that day He will not come “wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger,”²³ but He will appear “in the clouds of heaven, clothed with power and great glory; with all the holy angels.”²⁴ We will hear “the voice of the archangel, and … the trump of God.”²⁵ The sun and the moon will be transformed, and “stars [will] be hurled from their places.”²⁶ You and I, or those who follow us, “the saints … from [every quarter] of the earth,”²⁷ “shall be quickened and … caught up to meet him,”²⁸  and those who have died in righteousness, they too will “be caught up to meet him in the midst … of heaven.”²⁹

Then, a seemingly impossible experience: “All flesh,” the Lord says, “shall see me together.”³⁰ How will it happen? We do not know. But I testify it will happen—exactly as prophesied. We will kneel in reverence, “and the Lord shall utter his voice, and all the ends of the earth shall hear it.”³¹ “It shall be … as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder.”³² “[Then] the Lord, … the Savior, shall stand in the midst of his people.”³³

There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth.³⁴ But most important, as Isaiah declares, “All the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God,”³⁵ and He “shall reign over all flesh.”^36"

I often find myself dreaming about the second coming and what it will be like. What it will be like for our Savior to reign on the earth. For the peace he will bring and for the chance to see my sweet Tacen again. I love the picture that Elder Andersen paints in my mind "There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth!" Oh my glorious that will be! I can not wait! I am so thankful for the living prophets on the earth that lead and guide our church today. They strengthen me! I could not have survived losing a child without my faith and testimony of this gospel restored on the earth today! It makes me a better person. It strengthens me! It helps me to be so much more than I could be on my own!

Holding These Little Ones Close

We are preparing another move and we recently purchased a home. We've been driving back and forth with the kids for weekend trips out to Roosytown and weeks back to the city. I feel like we've been a little crazy lately. I've been a little less than patient with Daxon lately and it really pricks at my heart. I hate when I'm not patient. I sit and tell myself, "Kelsie, you know what it's like not having a child with you! You shouldn't be impatient! How would you feel if he was gone?" on and on like that. I know impatience is normal or at least in my world, but I hate when I'm impatient.  We went "home" the last 3 weekends in a row.  I knew Daxon could sense the changes coming, and he's been acting out a bit more, requiring more attention and being a bit of a stinker.  I was discussing this with my mom and she asked if Daxon wanted to stay with them for the week. We'd leave Sunday and be back Thursday evening. He could stay and have fun. I knew deep down he would have so much fun staying with Grandma and Papa. He'd get lots of extra attention. I could get some things done at our townhouse and perhaps the separation would be good for both of us!
I talked with Cade about it. He said it probably was a good idea. I was seriously considering it.  Then the more I thought about it the more I knew I couldn't leave him. Not because he wouldn't have fun or be ok, but because I knew I couldn't handle leaving him for that long! I've never left him for more than a few hours. I started realizing how I have held these little ones of mine extra close since we lost Tacen. I know it's irrational, but I feel like if I keep them close I can protect them. I can keep them with me longer. Maybe, just maybe, I won't lose another one. Because if I have them close to me they'll be safe. This is all silly of course because we didn't leave Tacen very often and I couldn't save him. Nothing I could have done would have kept Tacen here with us. Yet, in my mother heart and mind it makes sense.
I also started thinking about how if I left Daxon I'd have just Iszella home and I worried I'd flash back to when I just had Daxon after Tacen passed away. I worried it would be too hard. Before I started thinking about leaving Daxon for a few days I hadn't realized this was a feeling of mine. I hadn't realized how much I needed them near me. You see we are poor students so naturally we don't go out very often. We also honestly LOVE spending time together as a family so we'd just as soon do something we can do with the kids in tow instead of leaving them. I know it's healthy to leave your children occasionally. I know that it's good for Cade and I spend time together just the two of us, but its hard.
That being said I know I need to work on being able to leave our kids occasionally, but I also know that my heart needs them close. I need them with them. They make me happy even when I want to pull my hair out because of frustration. I need them close so I can try to protect them. So maybe, just maybe I'll have them close to me a little longer than we got to have Tacen here. So maybe I won't have to experience the loss of another child. That's something I hope never to experience. So for now I'll hold these little ones close and love them with all every fiber of my being. Because you never know how much time you have. That's a fear of mine.

Thoughts about grieving...

One of my best friends' mom, Nancy (who I also consider a dear friend) told me about the Mormon Channel and "Conversations."  I was so glad she shared these with me. I listend to Elder Wickman and Elder Bowen. I have linked their conversations if you feel so inclined to listen. They both have been through the tradgedy of losing children at a young age. They each had something I wanted to remember that really stuck out to me.
Elder Shane M. Bowen. said:
"Keep that eternal perspective and realize that we have everything...There is nothing wrong with crying. Sometimes you just have to cry. But it gets better... But keeping your covenants is where the peace comes."

The eterinal perspective I have gives me the strength to move forward each day. I also could relate to the comment, "Sometimes you just have to cry!"

Elder Lance B. Wickman said:
"Adam(his son) made no improvement...finally, one morning after a fitful night..I spoke to the Lord and told him that we wanted our little boy to return to so very much, but nevertheless what we wanted most was for His will to be done and that we (Pat and I ) would accept that. Adam crossed the threshold into the eternities a short while later. Frankly we still grieve for our little boy, although the tender ministering of the spirit and the passage of the years have softened our sadness... . But Pat and I know that his path through mortality was intended by a kind Heavenly Father to be shorter and easier than ours and that he has now hurried on ahead to be a welcoming presence when we likewise eventually cross that same fateful threshold."

I could deeply relate to this. We also had to come to that realization that we were willing to accept Heavenly Father's will for us and Tacen and that it wasn't that he would stay with us, but that he would move on. I also appreciated hearing him say that they STILL grieve their little boy! Having gone through this and continuing to do so I know that we will always grieve and miss our sweet boy! Which leads me into my next though!
My good friend Heather S., sent me this the other day:

"If you feel that because you grieve you must lack faith in eternal things, just remember the precious moment of President Hinckley grieving his beloved Marjorie. Love means it's okay to miss them in the meantime."

This really touched me! I know that it's ok to miss my sweet boy, but it really helps to hear it every now and again and to have so many people around me who care so deeply and have shown us so much love and support. We couldn't continue on without the support and love of our family and friends!

Perspective

If you come by our home on any given day most likely you will find toys strewn about, Optometry school books, a pair or multiple shoes, and many other things. Before Tacen passed away I would pick up all the toys each evening and try to clean everything up. I worried so much about a spotless house with things put away. I'd stress about it and sometimes get frustrated when our home looked less than clean. Now my perspective has changed! I would much rather stop and enjoy the time with Cade and Daxon then stress over all the toys being put away each night. Let me pause by saying that I still value cleanliness, but having everything put away in its own little place isn't so much a priority of mine any longer.
It is the time in my life to have children in our home. To be with them and to have their toys and things scattered about. There will be a time when Cade and I are older, our children are gone and there won't be our children's things. There won't be anyone there to mess it up if you will, but for now I am going to enjoy seeing the hand prints on the mirror, the toys everywhere and enjoy my little family for as long as I have them here!
That all being said my sweet mom came across an article from How Does She that talks about nurturing yourself and grief and what not here are a couple parts that stood out to me.

Little things that may have once bothered me took on a different light. One day, my kids took two worn-out, oversized pillows with seems beginning to split, from their play room and proceeded to tear out all the cotton batting. In the blink of an eye (or the time it took me to unload the dishwasher) it was spread ALL over the entire floor. Their unbridled joy was incredible. They were making trails, “snow” angels, and piling mounds into billowy clouds when I happened upon the scene. Seeing their jubilation, I couldn’t get angry. And in the BIG picture, I was learning not to sweat the small stuff. I was learning slowly but surely, this was “small stuff”. So instead of getting angry, I got out the camera.
I'm thankful that the spirit guided me to know that I needed to stop and enjoy my life right then. I felt very strongly prompted to stop and enjoy my life in the moment last summer. I kept thinking ahead to next summer (Summer 2013) when Daxon would be bigger and interactive. Tacen would be walking better and I just thought things would have been perfect! However, the spirit was there. It was telling me, "Kelsie, stop and enjoy life now."  I tried to listen and there are things that I didn't stop and enjoy and there are moments that I missed capturing.  The pictures below are two I took of Tacen in his element. The first I was nursing Daxon and Tacen got very quite in the kitchen. I went out to find salt dumped all over the kitchen floor and Tacen playing right in the middle of it.
The 2nd was one of Tacen's favorite getting the water out of the fridge drenching himself and playing in the water.

I cherish these pictures and I cherish the new outlook Tacen has given me on life. That it's too short and I need to strive to stop and enjoy each moment!

How Does She also shares:
And whenever I saw an orchid, I thought of what an orchid grower once told me, “some species require an extended cold snap in order to induce a bloom”. She explained how the plant may go through a period where perhaps it feels like it’s dying before it brings forth its greatest beauty. Hmmm. I considered the possibility that there might be a process built into humans that works that way too. And I was encouraged to endure the long, cold feelings in the hopes that someday, I too could bring forth beauty from this tragedy.

I find in my life that there are little little positives (or sometimes large positives) that come from the challenges and struggles we face. Even with the passing of my sweet Tacen there have been little positives. I look for those. I cherish them. You see I can't bring Tacen back, I can't change that he's gone, but I can find those little positives. So I strive to. I also strive to find within myself that process of change, endurance and growth as I go through the trials of life and as I do I grow, my perspective changes and I hope that I am shaped into the person I have the potential of becoming!

Change

I have much time to think. With that comes slow understanding into my feels, reactions, etc. I've had many say you and Cade must have been so wonderful to have been chosen to be the parents if such a choice spirit who wouldn't need to stay here and withstand the trials of this day(or something along those lines)! Most often our reply has been well then I guess I wasn't that special. However, I've thought and realized I don't think me being special has anything to do with it! I think it has more to do from all I have to learn, gain, experience and change through all of this! You can't go through something like this and not have it change you! For example I used to be quite particular about picking up the toys at night and putting everything away! Now I realize I would much rather spend that time with Cade or Daxon. Not to say I don't value having a clean home, but for me I've come to realize there are things in life that matter more to me!
I've come to realize that life is too short to hold on to hard feelings. That when I do it is only hurting myself and holding me back from the progression I need to make. So I'm working on forgiving and forgetting more quickly!
With things like this it brings change, but I'm still me. I still have the same personality, laugh and smile. I still joke around with friends and family. I still try to find the good life has to offer and be happy!
There's one other thing that has been on my mind. Yesterday on Facebook I have a friend who also lost a child and she post from another Facebook page this:
There are times when we need to step back from life and allow ourselves the time to grieve. There's nothing wrong or crazy or unnatural about that. After losing a child, society wants to push us back into the regular routine of life only days after going through the trauma of child loss. We're told we should be brave, not cry, get busy, do "normal things" -- but rarely does anyone say "Take all the time you need to cry. Take time to grasp hold of what has happened. Take time to externalize some of the pain you're holding in." We can only fake it so long until we finally have to stop and deal with the grief. Child loss is a life-changing, traumatic happening that can't just be swept under the rug. The pain touches every area of our lives -- even the way we breathe.

 It got me thinking and I wanted to share it on my page so I did. Because I've gotten many different responses about staying busy and getting back into a routine and different things. All with good intentions. With it I posted:
Well said! I wish some would just say, "Grieve and take as long as you need!" Everyone grieve's so differently and in their own way!
 Because no one ever said anything like this. I did get some people who had experience similar situations saying things like, "The hole in your heart won't ever go away, but the edges with soften and it won't hurt so badly." Things like that helped me.
A couple of my friends commented and said:
Yes, grieve and take as long as you need, be it days, months, years, or a lifetime! I don't think you'd be normal of you weren't still grieving.

I haven't been in your position, and I don't live close to you, but as I've only imagined how you might feel, I have expected for you to keep grieving and just take it one day at a time, and I don't think you should have to pretend to feel "normal" if you don't. If you wake up feeling like you aren't up for your regular routine, I think you're allowed to turn off your phone, ignore the doorbell, stay in your pj's, and grieve...as long as someone (like your hubby) knows you are safe, of course!

 I appreciated their thoughtfulness. I have done just this. I have grieved. I continue to grieve. I take the time I need when I need it. I found for me one of the best things I can do it cry when I want to. It really helps me to get it all out and then most often I'll be ok for a period of time. Be it an hour, a day or even a couple days.  Then I cry again when it hits and when I want to.