One year

One year ago today our sweet Tacen returned back to our Father in Heaven after just 28 short months of life here on earth! Not a day goes by that we don't think about and miss him. 

As I've gone through the past year my goal has been and continues to be able to find the little positives that have come from losing Tacen. I was talking to Cade recently about a talk from General Conference by Elder Dube. He uses a story about not looking back and relates it to our opportunities to serv in the church. It made me think though that looking back over the past year helps me to learn a lot. 

For one I made it. After Tacen passed away it was all I could do to take it one day at a time, but I survived a year. Surely that helps me to see I can make it another. 

I remember as I watched friends of ours loose children thinking I could NEVER do that. But it's amazing what you can do when you have to! I can do hard things!

Here are somethings I learned about myself over the past year. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be(even though some moments, days or even weeks I don't feel that way). 

My testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is stronger! My relationship with my Savior is stronger because it is through him that I have made it through! 

My testimony of the plan of salvation is stronger! 

My love for an all knowing Heavenly Father is stronger. He knows how to comfort me. He knows who I need to help me and give me strength here! He knows me! He has blessed us in countless ways! 

My desire to do the best I can each day so I can be with my sweet Tacen again is stronger! 

My resolve to be thankful each day for the time I have with family is stronger! Life is short and you never know how long you have! 

I am a better version of me than I was a year ago! I can't change that Tacen is gone. If I could Heaven knows I would do so in a second! But I can try to learn and grow and become better! 

I continue to be thankful each and every day that we had the blessing to have Tacen in our home as long as we did. 28 months will never feel long enough, but I will FOREVER be grateful for those 28 months. Tacen taught me so much in that short time. To be his mother is a blessing I will always hold close to my heart! I love that boy! Being his mother was/is a gift. Learning from his precious example is a gift! Remembering him is a gift! How blessed we are to have him as a part of our Eternal Family and to have an angel watching out for us. I have felt his influence many times through the past year! I know he's closer than I often realize! We miss you sweet boy, always!

Introducing our family of 4...

Yesterday while we were attending sacrament meeting we were able to hear from a member of our ward, who has also lost a child. We've had several new families move into our ward in recent months and she went about introducing her family to those she did not yet know. She went about talking about how they have 4 children, her oldest daughter, her oldest son, who has passed away and would be 15, and then her other two sons.
I've often wondered and struggled with how to go about including Tacen. He's such an important and integral part of our family. I often just say when asked, our oldest son Tacen, passed away last October. But I loved this simple introduction. I have a feeling I will be using this in the future when we introduce our family in new places. I also loved including how old he would be. Because I often think about how he would be 3, and it's an easier way for me to think about it then having to pin down when he passed away. I would much rather dwell on his life and example, on how old he would be than dwell on when he left this life.
These little experiences I have help me to figure out the best way I want to do things and what helps me to handle things best. This is an experience that I will be remembering and using in the future.

Change

I have much time to think. With that comes slow understanding into my feels, reactions, etc. I've had many say you and Cade must have been so wonderful to have been chosen to be the parents if such a choice spirit who wouldn't need to stay here and withstand the trials of this day(or something along those lines)! Most often our reply has been well then I guess I wasn't that special. However, I've thought and realized I don't think me being special has anything to do with it! I think it has more to do from all I have to learn, gain, experience and change through all of this! You can't go through something like this and not have it change you! For example I used to be quite particular about picking up the toys at night and putting everything away! Now I realize I would much rather spend that time with Cade or Daxon. Not to say I don't value having a clean home, but for me I've come to realize there are things in life that matter more to me!
I've come to realize that life is too short to hold on to hard feelings. That when I do it is only hurting myself and holding me back from the progression I need to make. So I'm working on forgiving and forgetting more quickly!
With things like this it brings change, but I'm still me. I still have the same personality, laugh and smile. I still joke around with friends and family. I still try to find the good life has to offer and be happy!
There's one other thing that has been on my mind. Yesterday on Facebook I have a friend who also lost a child and she post from another Facebook page this:
There are times when we need to step back from life and allow ourselves the time to grieve. There's nothing wrong or crazy or unnatural about that. After losing a child, society wants to push us back into the regular routine of life only days after going through the trauma of child loss. We're told we should be brave, not cry, get busy, do "normal things" -- but rarely does anyone say "Take all the time you need to cry. Take time to grasp hold of what has happened. Take time to externalize some of the pain you're holding in." We can only fake it so long until we finally have to stop and deal with the grief. Child loss is a life-changing, traumatic happening that can't just be swept under the rug. The pain touches every area of our lives -- even the way we breathe.

 It got me thinking and I wanted to share it on my page so I did. Because I've gotten many different responses about staying busy and getting back into a routine and different things. All with good intentions. With it I posted:
Well said! I wish some would just say, "Grieve and take as long as you need!" Everyone grieve's so differently and in their own way!
 Because no one ever said anything like this. I did get some people who had experience similar situations saying things like, "The hole in your heart won't ever go away, but the edges with soften and it won't hurt so badly." Things like that helped me.
A couple of my friends commented and said:
Yes, grieve and take as long as you need, be it days, months, years, or a lifetime! I don't think you'd be normal of you weren't still grieving.

I haven't been in your position, and I don't live close to you, but as I've only imagined how you might feel, I have expected for you to keep grieving and just take it one day at a time, and I don't think you should have to pretend to feel "normal" if you don't. If you wake up feeling like you aren't up for your regular routine, I think you're allowed to turn off your phone, ignore the doorbell, stay in your pj's, and grieve...as long as someone (like your hubby) knows you are safe, of course!

 I appreciated their thoughtfulness. I have done just this. I have grieved. I continue to grieve. I take the time I need when I need it. I found for me one of the best things I can do it cry when I want to. It really helps me to get it all out and then most often I'll be ok for a period of time. Be it an hour, a day or even a couple days.  Then I cry again when it hits and when I want to.