Decorating Tacen's Special Place for Memorial Day Weekend

  Saturday (5.25.24) morning after helping clean the church we took Tacen's truck all planted with flowers out to his special place (the cemetery). I love the tradition of planting a truck for Tacen.  Seeing those trucks reminds me of him. Bringing it home after Memorial Day reminds me of him all summer. We sure love and miss our boy. Tyg has been in to trucks, trains, cars, etc lately and it reminds me of Tacen often. Lula and Lucille have been talking about him coming back. Lula always says its taking too long. She also, keeps telling me Tacen would be her buddy! We sure love our sweet boy and long for that day when we can be with him again! We are so grateful for Stephanie Smith who year after year adds a truck. She's so thoughtful. G'ma Sue and Pa put one on too and Grandma Ruthie and Papa added pinwheels (which he loved at the cemetery when Grandpa Knight passed away right before him) and a red truck. We also had some anonymous flowers too. Tacen is love and it means so much when he is remembered! 

7 years

I remember vividly when Tacen passed away wondering how I could make it through the days ahead without him. How could I make it 7 days, let alone 7 months or 7 years??? It feels to me now that each year is a milestone of sorts! My grief is different now than it was those first few years. I still miss my sweet boy like crazy, but it hits me in waves sometimes unsuspecting and sometimes right on cue! However, it's not so all consuming as it once was. I'm not sure if that is time or if it has something to do with life moving forward. We have 2 more kids and another one to come in 7 weeks or so! Life is busy and crazy and I love it that way, but I don't have the time to sit and think about Tacen like I did after he passed away and it was just me and Dax home all day.
Now I think of him in different ways. Like when our kids bring him up and we talk about how they miss him and wish he could be here. When Daxon is frustrated with his sisters playing something he doesn't want and he says in frustration, "mom I just wish Tacen were here! Then we could play cars!" When Lula May looks at a picture where I have superimposed Tacen to be in it with our family and she says, "Tacen" as she points to him and it's almost a surprise that he would be in the picture with us. When Iszella asks in innocence "mom when will Tacen come back? I miss him!" I long to have all the answers to these sweet questions. I long for Daxon to have his brother here with him!
When I think of how he would be 9! How has that much time passed that we should have a 9 year old!? Yet I can't picture him being 9. I try to picture what he would look like, but he's frozen in time as that precious little 2.5 year old boy of mine. I wonder how he would have grown and changed. I wonder what his interests would be. I wonder a lot, but most of these questions will go unanswered for now.
But then I have those sweet moments like thinking of Tacen being with our sweet daughter as she awaits to join our family. I like to hope he is telling her good things about our family and us as parents. I like to think he is enjoying spending sometime with her before they will be separated for a time.
I know our sweet Tacen watches over us and I am ever grateful to know that our own guardian angel has so much of a vested interest in our family. I feel his love for us and I pray often that he will know of our love for him.
As life continues I think of the joy and happiness I still have in my life. I think about how life is not easy, but honestly how it wasn't mean to be. Yet, I have found joy and happiness just as I know Tacen would want me to. He found so much joy in the little things and we won't know in this life just how much pain he was in or exactly what his struggles were like, but I am sure there was some of that. Yet he found joy and we can too!
I miss my sweet boy. I always will! But I have seen how time changes and softens things. Thankfully the pain isn't so raw, the edges not so sharp and I'm here to say that anyone wading through the trenches of grief you can do this! It doesn't get easier but you get more used to it. Its edges soften and it can be less stark and all encompassing! Grief is a journey one you don't ever really figure out, but I have learned to embrace the journey. Give into the moments where I need to cry and even push it aside when it feels like too much for that moment. I have learned so much from my sweet boy and I will ever be grateful for his life, his example and the blessing of having him as my son. 7 years closer to seeing you again Tacer Racer! I love you!

Decorating T's Special Place - Memorial Day 2019

Thursday (5.23.19) we went to Allred's and the girls helped picked flowers to put in Tacen's truck to put at the cemetery for Memorial Day! Then we came home and planted it. We had planned to run it out Thursday night, but ran out of time. So Friday evening(5.24.19) we ran out to decorate his special place. The kids always start climbing on his headstone right away. I always like to think of it and a way to "play" with him right now. We sure love and miss this boy.  Last Sunday (5.19.19) Cade had had a meeting and Lula May was being a little grumpy and the girls didn't want to play cars with him. At one point Daxon says, "Mom I just wish Tacen was here so he could play cars with me!" It's these little moments that make me smile in how much our kids love Tacen and also break my heart, because I wish he was still here too! He is so loved and never forgotten and that's always been so important to me! We love you Tacer Racer!

When Grief Hits...

Recently a friends daughter passed away. She was 2.5 and it was sudden. These two facts were close to Tacen. He was almost 2.5 and things with him were sudden. It really brought back memories of his last week and the week of the funeral. It took me through memories I hadn’t thought about in a while. It’s funny how grief does that. You don’t think about parts of your loved ones passing, but then it can all come crashing in. I thought about being there with him holding him and singing I am a Child of God as he passed away. The immense peace that filled my soul helping me to know it was God’s will. Yet the heartache of leaving the hospital without Tacen. Going home and him not being there and having to pack to fly home for his funeral. I thought of that week and how it honestly mostly feels like a blur. I remember gathering pictures and videos for a slide show Sue put together. I remember going down to the mortuary after his body had arrived from TN. Thankful it got here in time and dressing him for the last time. Then I remembered his viewing and funeral. I remember being strengthened on Friday night during his viewing and knowing that the strength was not my own. I also remember how much more emotional I felt on Saturday during the viewing prior to the funeral. I remember our dad’s speaking. My mom giving the eulogy and I remember speaking. Then I remember hearing Daxon screaming out in the hall (Thanks goes to Gail Gardner for taking him) and I got him. I remember walking right back up to the front row and nursing Daxon. All these thoughts and more filled my mind and my heart ached for my friend. I vividly remembered the loss like it was current. I always said I’d never wish losing a child on my worst enemy let alone someone I know and care about. It also reminded me how grief comes in waves. I am reading “After You” by Jojo Moyes. The main character Louisa is taking to Sam whose sister had recently passed away and says, “...’How long do you think it takes to get over someone dying? Someone you really loved, I mean.’ ...Sam’s eyes widened just a little. ‘Whoa. Well’—he looked down at his mug, and then out at the shadowy fields—‘ I’m not sure you ever do.’ ‘That’s cheery.’ ‘No. Really. I’ve thought about it a lot. You learn to live with it, with them. Because they do stay with you, even if they’re not living, breathing people anymore. It’s not the same crushing grief you felt at first, the kind that swamps you and makes you want to cry in the wrong places and get irrationally angry with all the idiots who are still alive when the person you love is dead. It’s just something you learn to accommodate. Like adapting around a hole. I don’t know. It’s like you become . . . a doughnut instead of a bun.’”

This is something I wholeheartedly believe! I remember Becky Gilbert telling us that “the hole in your heart will always be there, but with time the edges will soften.” This statement is so true! It never goes away. A piece of me is always missing! I always long to have him here with us. I always notice that he’s not here, but it’s not as crushing as it once was. I’m learning to live with it!

I can truthfully say that I am thankful for the things that losing Tacen has taught me. I am beyond grateful to be his mother, but most of all I am grateful to know that he's still mine and someday I'll be with my sweet boy again! 

Decorating T's Special Place

Saturday (12.3.16) we went down to the cemetary with Papa and Grandma Ruthie to put the little tree on Tacen's grave! My parents have been so great to decorate his grave and I so much appreciate it! The kids love going down to Tacen's special place. The tree looked cute with lights, ornaments and cars. I couldn't help after we got things decorated and Cade and Daxon were running around thinking about how I wish Tacen were here running around with them too, but then I try my best to remember that some day I'll see those dreams and longings fulfilled even if not in this lifetime! We sure love Tacen and we feel so blessed that he's apart of our family! 

My Boy

Saturday (2.13.16) this photo popped up on Facebook as a memory. I've had a lot of thoughts running through my mind the last week or so I just want to get written out! One being that I LOVE talking about Tacen if you know me at all you will know that I still bring up Tacen and he is still apart of regular conversations in my life. He's my boy! He ALWAYS will be. I still am floored sometimes at the reactions that I get when I bring him up! The most common is for the person to whom I am speaking to pretty much freeze and not say anything about Tacen. I've always understood that its a difficult subject, yet I've always felt that its most difficult for me and if I want to talk about him then you should be ok with it. Maybe that's not the right approach, but that's how I feel. It's hard not having him a here and I just want to talk about him like I do our other children!

Second thought as this picture popped up its hard for him to just be a memory. He's not a reality right now and that's hard. It's hard to know what was and what could be, but not have it right now.

Third thought is my heart has just been aching for my boy over the last week or so. It just hits me at very different, but distinct times! Tears come to my eyes and I just feel the ache that loss brings. I don't always understand what triggers this, but I know my heart aches. I know I miss him and I think of him often! I just wish he were still here! So for now I love that these memories can still pop up and I can still see pictures and videos of this sweet boy of mine!

Words of Comfort

As I continue to wade through my own journey of grief I have found comfort in these words recently. I've learned it's not something you get over, its something that becomes a part of you!  Each of these have touched me. They've strengthened me in my journey.

"The birth and death of Jesus Christ are so much more meaningful to me now, and I worship Him for His gifts of Atonement and Resurrection. Relying on the strength of the Lord and feeling His love has filled me with faith and blessed me with hope. At times when sorrow seems unbearable, He helps me bear the burden. His love came as an unexpected gift, and it continues to bless me in the most wonderful ways." "Sustained by God's Love" July 2015 Ensign

I can testify of this same feeling. Especially in the days and months just following Tacen's death I know that I got through those most difficult moments because of my Savior. He gave me the strength when I knew I didn't have it within myself. I still have moments when I feel saddened knowing Tacen is not here with us and I know my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ are what help me to let go of those feelings.

"Joshua 1:9 -  Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for theLord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

I hear this recently at a sacrament meeting where the speaker spoke of his older son passing away and I loved it!

"The death of a loved one may come unexpectedly. It is the witness from the Holy Ghost of the reality of a loving Heavenly Father and a resurrected Savior that gives us hope and comfort at the loss of a loved one. That testimony must be fresh when death occurs." Pres Eyring Oct 2015 General Conference 

I can also attest of the light, hope and strength I found in the knowledge the Church of Jesus Christ offers. My testimony carried me through. Knowing that I can see Tacen again is something I hold dear. Its something I need in my life. I need to know I can be with him and I can't wait!

While in sacarment meeting we sung this song and tears came to my eyes as I envisioned this beautiful picture in my mind of my sorrows and grief being gone, my purest joy and desire of being with Tacen again and having my family all together being fulfilled. What a beautiful image! A day when our Savior will reign on the earth and all will be perfect! I look forward to this day.

Hymn # 124 "Be Still, My Soul" verse 3 Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on When we shall be forever with Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Comforting Words

We recently had the chance in our church to listen to General Conference. This is a time when our leaders speak to us.  There were many great and wonderful talks! I look forward to being able to go back and read through them and learn more, but there were two that stuck out to me and I wanted to share a few and how they related to me and our loss of sweet Tacen.

The first talk was given by President Henry B. Eyring first counselor in the first presidency.  He was speaking of a family who had lost a 5 year old boy and he said:

"The father and the mother of the little boy bore witness of the Savior that evening in my living room. The Holy Ghost came, and all were comforted. The parents were strengthened. The burden of grief did not disappear, but they were made able to bear the sorrow. Their faith increased. And their strength will continue to grow as they ask for it and live for it."

I have been there and I know the feeling of having my faith increased. I know that the burden of grieving has never gone away, but I have been made able to bear it!

He goes on to say:

"I saw this miracle of comfort as I arrived outside the chapel where the funeral of the little boy was to be held. I was stopped by a lovely young woman I did not recognize. She said that she was coming to the funeral to mourn and to give comfort if she could.

She said that she had come to the funeral in part for comfort for herself. She told me that her first child had died recently. She was carrying in her arms a beautiful little girl. I leaned toward her to look into the little girl’s smiling face. I asked the baby’s mother, “What is her name?” Her quick and cheerful answer was “Her name is Joy. Joy always comes after sorrow.”"

I have again seen this in my life. I miss Tacen and always will, but we have been so blessed and had so much joy in our lives since he passed away. Having Daxon and Iszella brings me more joy than I can describe! They truly are part of our joy after our sorrow! We have been blessed throughout this journey of losing Tacen by our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. They have carried me through and continue to do so when I think I can not carry myself!

The other talk that really touched me was that of Elder Andersen's "Thy Kingdom Come"

"Our faith grows as we anticipate the glorious day of the Savior’s return to the earth. The thought of His coming stirs my soul. It will be breathtaking! The scope and grandeur, the vastness and magnificence, will exceed anything mortal eyes have ever seen or experienced.

In that day He will not come “wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger,”²³ but He will appear “in the clouds of heaven, clothed with power and great glory; with all the holy angels.”²⁴ We will hear “the voice of the archangel, and … the trump of God.”²⁵ The sun and the moon will be transformed, and “stars [will] be hurled from their places.”²⁶ You and I, or those who follow us, “the saints … from [every quarter] of the earth,”²⁷ “shall be quickened and … caught up to meet him,”²⁸  and those who have died in righteousness, they too will “be caught up to meet him in the midst … of heaven.”²⁹

Then, a seemingly impossible experience: “All flesh,” the Lord says, “shall see me together.”³⁰ How will it happen? We do not know. But I testify it will happen—exactly as prophesied. We will kneel in reverence, “and the Lord shall utter his voice, and all the ends of the earth shall hear it.”³¹ “It shall be … as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of a great thunder.”³² “[Then] the Lord, … the Savior, shall stand in the midst of his people.”³³

There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth.³⁴ But most important, as Isaiah declares, “All the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God,”³⁵ and He “shall reign over all flesh.”^36"

I often find myself dreaming about the second coming and what it will be like. What it will be like for our Savior to reign on the earth. For the peace he will bring and for the chance to see my sweet Tacen again. I love the picture that Elder Andersen paints in my mind "There will be unforgettable reunions with the angels of heaven and the Saints upon the earth!" Oh my glorious that will be! I can not wait! I am so thankful for the living prophets on the earth that lead and guide our church today. They strengthen me! I could not have survived losing a child without my faith and testimony of this gospel restored on the earth today! It makes me a better person. It strengthens me! It helps me to be so much more than I could be on my own!

A New Tacen Picture

A couple weeks ago I went to pick up the mail and inside was an envelop from my dear friend Beth.  She has a daughter getting married soon and I wondered if it was an announcement or invitation or something wedding related. As I opened the envelop, I pulled out a card with a picture of Tacen on it. I sat there stunned! I hadn't seen this picture before! After losing Tacen almost 2.5 years ago I thought I had seen all the pictures taken of him. Tears came to my eyes, tears of joy! I was beyond touched to have a new picture of Tacen after all this time. It's a treasure that I don't often get any more! Beth had this picture printed on a card and inside it explained that this picture was taken at their son's wedding reception. It warmed my heart just looking at it. I love it for so many reasons. Tacen LOVED tractors and anything with a motor! He is wearing is Kiss Me I'm Irish shirt which is one of our favorite shirts on him. His hair is spiked, he has his little brown sandals he wore all the time! It's just a perfect picture! I find myself picking up the card often just to stop and stare at this cute boy of mine who I miss so much! I love having a new little piece of him! A treasure! It's like a gift from him! Love you sweet boy!

Christmas in Heaven

Tacen December 2010

My sweet friend Chelsey shared this poem with me in 2012 when we had to celebrate our first Christmas without Tacen. I love it! I love thinking of Tacen up in Heaven and all the wonderful things he must be seeing and doing!

Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear 

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. 

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring 

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. 

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place 

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face? 

I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell you of your love 

So, then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing 

For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.

By Wanda Bencke

You see it is because of Christ that I know I can see my sweet Tacen again. It is because He was born all those years ago. Because He was willing to die for me and all of us. This time of year there is a special spirit and that is the spirit of Christ. We can celebrate Him. His life, his birth the miracle of it all. I can know that I'll be with my sweet Tacen again.

Just the other night before bed Cade and I were discussing Tacen. I was talking about how it all seems like a dream him being here in our lives. I was talking about how if the resurrection happened now that Daxon would be physically older than Tacen and how strange that all is. That night I was blessed to have a dream with Tacen in it. Oh how I love those dreams, because for those few sweet moments it feels like I am with him again. I got to see his sweet smile and in my dream I heard him say, "mommy." I got to hold him and hug him.  I got to think about how he had so many struggles before he passed and how when he is resurrected he'll be perfect. He'll be able to run like he was never able here on earth. I got to think about how his language will progress and he'll be able to talk with us. And in my dream for those a brief moment I got to see it all. Oh how glorious it will be!

I know that it will be because of our Savior. So I celebrate Him, now and always! I think of my sweet boy in Heaven celebrating Christmas with our Savior and I smile because that's a beautiful image to think of!

My sweet friend Rachelle had this drawn for me and I love this picture and all that it represents so much!

Visiting the Cemetery - Figuring this out

Yesterday I was out in Roosytown taking Iszella to a dr appointment and visiting family. I had a minute to drop by the cemetery by myself and visit Tacen's grave. Over the last 2 years this hasn't been something I could do regularly.  Because in our first year we made 2 trips and in our second we didn't make any to Utah from TN, we hadn't had the chance to go often. It wasn't a normal part of grieving and experiencing this loss.
Now that visiting the cemetery and Tacen's grave/headstone is a possibility it brings a mixture of feelings and emotions. I have from the beginning felt that this was a memorial to our son. The design of his headstone shows that. But I have felt strongly that he's not there. If I want to feel Tacen near I got to the temple. I haven't been to the temple since Tacen passed without feeling his presence near. He's not with his body right now. His spirit is separated for a time.

Yet, as his mother I feel like I need to visit. I feel like that's my duty. As I've gone I am often filled with sadness and a feeling of how unfair it is to not have Tacen here with us now. Its a physical reminder that he's not here any more. It's something I am trying to sort out now that visiting is an option as it hasn't been before now. It's one of those things that I have to figure out along the way of this path that has been presented before me. Losing a child was never something I imagined would happen to me. Having to go through this process was not something I'd ever ask for. Yet here I am and it has happened. So I learn. I grow. I experience. Throughout all this I figure out what works for me. I figure out how I will deal with this. How I can learn and grow and become a better version of myself. Because everything happens for a reason.
I miss my sweet boy desperately. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. I could let that overcome me, but what would that accomplish? In my mind nothing. So I see each new challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow. I see it as a way that I can become more emphatic for those I know who have lost loved ones and for those I will encounter in the future. I see it as a chance to figure things out in life. Isn't that part of life? So for now I am trying to figure out how visiting Tacen's mortal memorial can be a part of my life. How I will handle this. It's not something I thought it'd do.
I know each one of us has many things that happen in our life that we never thought we'd have to experience. Many things that we never thought we'd have to do. And for me the important part is to face these challenges. Figuring out what works for us and putting one foot in front of other. Moving forward and doing the very best we can!

Angels Among Us

Oh I believe there are, angels among us
Sent down to us, from somewhere up above
They come to you and me, in our darkest hours
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give
To guide us with the light of love.
("Angels Among Us" Alabama)

We had a regional stake conference broadcast on Sunday 9.14.14  Elder Russel M. Nelson was one of the speakers and he spoke about angel. Not the kind with big fluffy, floofy wings, but they kind that are messengers, protectors or just the kind among us who listen to the spirit and help those around them.
After I listened to that talk it stuck with me. Over the past almost 2 years there have been many times when I know Tacen has been near watching over me and our family. There are times when after something happens I know that I was only kept safe because of some unseen being and I choose to believe that it's often Tacen watching over us.
One time last summer we were out biking. Daxon was just over one and riding in the bike trailer. Cade was pulling him and I was riding along with them when a german shepherd dog came out of know where and ran into my bike near my ankle. The dog hit be hard enough I should have fallen over, but I didn't. Then the dog proceeded to try to jump on the trailer and get Daxon. I was filled with rage and adrenaline. It scared us quite a bit. Later as I thought over that instance I fully realized I SHOULD have fallen over! I know Tacen was there watching over us. If I'd fallen over I have no doubt that dog would have bitten me and I'm sure I would have been injured!
I also often felt Tacen near watching over me during my pregnancy with Iszella. I felt like he was trying to keep us both safe and get her here to be apart of our family!
I recently read this quote from a family member's instagram and it again reminded of this thought of angles!

"Those we love don't go away they walk beside us every day unseen, unheard, but always near." -unknown

I would do anything to have my sweet Tacen back with me, but I find it a blessing of him being gone to have our own guardian angel watching over our family. I know he loves us and wants what is best for his family. It brings me comfort to know someone I know and love so much is helping us out! It helps to ease the sting of sadness to realize these small and simple blessings that continue to be made evident in our lives!

I also have thought a lot about being an "angel" to someone in need. There have been many since we lost Tacen who have acted as "angels." They have answered prayers and blessed us in numerous ways far too many to count. I am still often amazed at the kindness and generosity of others. Often from those we don't know that well. It is those who we have been blessed to be surrounded by over the last 2 years who have also been angels. They have helped to make the hard days a little easier!
I think about how when we are in a better financial state how I want to be able to help others as we have been helped! I want to be a hand that helps others and gives back as we have been helped so much. I want to be in tune to the spirit and be able to be the hands to help Heavenly Father answer a prayer.

Longing for a Friend...

I may have written about this recently, but its something I can't get off my mind lately. I wish so desperately that Tacen was here with Daxon. That they could be one another's best friends. When I was expecting Daxon and the 6 short months we had our boys here together I dreamed and envisioned the fun they would have together! They buddies they would be. I thought about how Tacen was a July birthday and I'd probably hold him back in school which meant that he and Daxon would only be one year apart in school. So many things left unfulfilled!

The other night I was watching some videos of my sweet Tacen. I was watching him live, experience life and be filled the joy! I thought to myself I wish that boy could have played with our Daxon now. This hits me a lot lately. We had the chance to have Cade's sister and family come visit and Daxon absolutely LOVED playing with his cousin who is only 4 months younger than Tacen. I loved watching this. It was so sweet, but I thought to myself, "Tacen should be here! Tacen should be playing with them. Tacen should be here to be friends with Daxon."
I realize as time passes this is just one of the parts of grieving a loved one, especially grieving a child! It's hard not to think about how old Tacen would be or what might have been. Yet the reality of it all is continually staring me in the face. For now Tacen and Daxon aren't together. They can't be and because of this Daxon won't grow up having his big brother to play with.
We recently (April 5&6) had our General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is when our leaders speak to us. Two things really stood out to me and gave me strength in relation to Tacen and our continued grieving process.

I've realized over the past almost year and half that I have grown stronger. I am different than I was before we lost Tacen. I can tell that as the winds have grown stronger my roots have planted themselves deeper. I have a stronger more abiding faith and relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. It is because of him that I have been able to make it through each day, especially those that seem exceptionally difficult or trying. I recognize that I am becoming how my Father in Heaven wants me to be. I am becoming how He knew I was all along!

Endings are hard for us to accept as mortal beings. Often they just don't seem fair, but I look forward with earnestness to the day when they seem small, and but a pause. I look forward to the day when in glory I will see my sweet Tacen resurrected to a full and perfect state and I will get to be with him again. I look forward to that day when this interruption has passed. I am so grateful for the knowledge the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints provides me. I am so grateful for the strength I receive. Without this knowledge and my testimony I couldn't have withstood this trial! Yet, I know within my heart that just as is said in D&C 121: 7-8 "... thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall  exalt thee on high;..." Then I can be with my eternal family forever. We will be together again. We will have all that we are missing out on now with Tacen! Until that time I will continue to rely on my Savior, Jesus Christ and Eternal Father in Heaven because it is through them I can do all things required of me. It is through them that I can find strength, peace and solace.

Talking about Tacen

I've had some experiences over the past almost year and a half that have taught me how I like to talk about Tace! I had one experience about 3-3 1/2 months after Tacen passed away. I was with a woman and her child who I knew, knew of our situation and one I was unsure of. Most of our visit I sat there wanting to talk about Tacen and experiences I had enjoyed while raising him as the other moms talked about normal experiences with two year olds.

I sat rather uncomfortable and saddened as I was unsure to bring him up or not. Then it hit me bring him up already! He's a big part of my life! I learned that day and a few others that for me it's best to talk about him. I need that.

As a side note I'm used to the distressed looks or sad eyes I receive when someone finds out for the first time about Tace. But what I'm so grateful for is the people around me who know our situation who lived through it with us, whether literally or were just in our lives at the time, who let me talk about Tacen. The ones who don't get all sad and treat me differently because I brought him up! 

You see he's no different than any other child with the exception that his time on earth was short and now for a season we are separated!
He was a normal baby who we had to let cry it out so we could survive the days.

He was a normal baby/toddler who had foods he liked and didn't like. He was a normal child who had meltdowns and pitched fits when things didn't go his way.

He was a normal boy who liked to watch TV and play with his toys! He was a normal boy who was drawn to dirt, mud, water, etc. Because he was a normal boy!

Because he is an important part of my life!  Because he lived! Because I NEVER want to forget him! Because he's my child, I want to talk about him and I'm so grateful when I can!  I'm grateful when those around me let me do so and don't have to make it a horrible, sad thing every time I mention his name! Because he was such a happy boy and I want to talk about that. That's a happy thing! He's a happy memory and I just want to share a small part of the joy he brought into my life by making me a mother and be happy that he lived as I remember all the "normal" parts of motherhood he allowed me to experience! 

Dreaming...

Last night I had a dream that Tacen was back with us. In my dream he had come back and he was 28 months and it was right now because Dax was 22 months. I was so excited to see him again. I was worried about how I would split my time with he and Daxon knowing that I just wanted to hold him and never let him go! The boys were only 6 months apart in age. They were wearing the same size clothes and both in diapers. It was like having twins, but having missed the reality of it over the last 2 years.
When I awoke this morning I couldn't get the idea out of my mind. Often when I think of Tacen still being with us I picture him being 3.5 years old like he would have been, but thinking of him being almost the same age of Daxon brought new thoughts and ideas.
It was fun for me to think about it for a while. I sat and thought about the fact that we are planning to move Daxon in to Tacen's room in the next month or so. I thought about how we would have done that. I remembered how Tace used to fall asleep in front of the door and thought about he and Dax in there falling asleep in front of the door together. We would need another car seat and booster chair for dinner.
I also thought of how jealous the boys would be of each other. I could just see them both wanting myself or Cade. I mentioned this to Cade and he said we'd all wrestle!
I thought of the chaos that would ensue in our lives over the coming months as we prepare to add this sweet baby girl to our family, but how we would go from having one hear to three in a matter of a few short months.
I thought of how much Daxon would love to have Tacen to play with and after they both adjusted to each other how much fun they would have together! I could just picture them being the best of friends!
Most of all I thought of how wonderful it would be to have our little family all together! I thought about how it would be an adjustment. How our days would probably be crazy, but how wonderful they would be! I thought about how above all else that's what I long for the most in life. I long to have our sweet Tacen here with us and have our family together, even if that means it would be utterly chaotic. We'd adapt and it would be oh so wonderful!
It was such a pleasant dream, I almost didn't want to wake up from it. I know that someday we'll have the chance to be together again, but until then sometimes it's nice to get caught up in a dream. To think of what our lives might be like and to enjoy the thought of it all! Because even though I am so thankful for the many wonderful blessing I have in my life. Even though I honestly love my life. I will always long to have Tacen here with us. I will always miss him. He will always be apart of our family!

Change is Inevitable

We are getting ready to make a big move across the country at the end of the summer. We are also preparing to welcome a new baby into our family in just a few short months. These are some big family changes coming our way. Our little Dax will be two in a couple months and is quickly approaching the age of Tacen when he passed away. With this happening he will be wearing many of the clothes that Tacen wore not long before he passed away. Many of the clothes that we have so many wonderful memories of Tacen wearing.  Yesterday morning (2.18.14) it was a warm enough day I wanted to put Daxon in a short sleeve shirt. I went into Tacen's room to get him one and it was surprisingly more difficult than I expected! Tears began streaming down my face as I thought of Tacen in the shirts I was looking at hanging in "his" closet! It brought a lot of unexpected emotions.
When Tacen passed away we left everything pretty much the same in his room. We hung his shirts in his closet, left his rocking chair, his blankets, stuffed animals, pictures, etc. It's his room! We've loved referring to it as Tacen's room. We go in his room each evening and have scripture study and prayers with Daxon before he goes to bed. With the anticipation of a new little bundle of joy and with Daxon getting bigger we will soon (less than a month now) be moving him into Tacen's room. It will become his room. I know this is something we need to do, but it's hard at the same time. Cade and I discussed leaving Tacen's things hanging and what not. But with our move across the country whether we take them down now or in 6 months its going to happen. Leaving this home, the last place we were with Tacen, and moving forward in our lives will be very bittersweet. I keep hoping that as we make some small changes along the way maybe the biggest change of all won't be quite so difficult.
I had a precious moment a morning last week. I was looking out over our front yard while outside playing with Dax and thinking just how much I am going to miss this place. I then thought of all the wonderful memories we created with Tacen and the many wonderful things that have come to our family here. To name a couple the addition of Daxon and baby tuey to our family. But mostly I was pondering being able to look and see Tacen in so many places here. I felt the spirit whisper to me that those memories would always be there and he'd always be apart of our lives. He'd always be near. This is something I know, but it that moment it was a sweet tender mercy! I do miss that boy, but I'm thankful each day to have known him, loved him to and know that he is mine forever. Even if we are separated for a short time! Needless to say Change is Inevitable! But I'll do my best to keep smiling, because I know that's what Tacen did!

Each Day is a Blessing

About a week and half before Tacen passed away he started throwing up very inconsistently. That coupled with his regression in walking really alarmed me and Cade. It made no sense! When they began figuring out (as much as they were able to) what was going on they discovered that due to the excess fluid which caused his spine to stroke out, it was pushing up into his brain and causing the part of his brain which told him to throw up to be without oxygen. That is why he was throwing up so very sporadically.
That being said whenever Daxon throws up (it doesn't happen very often thankfully), it sends me back to that time. I worry so much that something bigger is the matter. The Christmas after Tacen passed away we were flying home for the holidays and Daxon threw up once on the plane. It worried Cade and I a great deal.
Yesterday morning Dax threw up. He was really worked up (I was making him sit in his seat to eat breakfast) and I thought he had worked himself up so much he'd thrown up. When he threw up again a couple hours later I began to think that was something ailing him. Long story short he had the stomach flu. He threw up 4 times yesterday, but is doing well today(thank the heavens)!
You see when Tacen was throwing up I never in my wildest dreams would have linked it to what was really causing it. Kids throw up. Adults throw up (I have been throwing up for the past 4 months straight)! So when Tacen began throwing up I didn't think anything of it. However, after all we went through with Tacen my bubble of security isn't as big as it used to be. Therefore, when Daxon throws up, I immediately worry! You see I need him! I need him desperately! He's my little sunspot in my cloudiest of days and he's my little sunspot in my happiest of days. He brings me so much light and joy!
Losing Tacen has really opened my eyes to how fragile life really is. Overall, I have learned a great deal from this. I have been stretched! Most days its so much easier for me to let the mess slide, the house not be as clean as I might like it. I give in to Daxon, because some battles just aren't worth fighting. I know how fast things can change and that has brought new perspective in my life.
Bottom line is no matter how frustrated I can get with how strong-will and tempered my cute Daxon is or how tired he may make me. I love him. I need him! I hate seeing him sick! I hate worrying about losing him! But I love him! He's one of Heavenly Father's greatest blessings and tender mercies in my life. I really don't think I would have gotten to this point after losing Tacen without him. So each day he's healthy. Each day he walks and runs and is just my normal little boy! I am thankful! Because each day is a blessing!

Thinking on the Ressurection

Cade and I were reading together the other evening for our couple's scripture study and we were reading in Doctrine and Covenants section 88 verse 97 really stuck out to me! In the verses right before this they are talking of the second coming and what will commence! Verse 97 reads:

97 And they who have slept in their graves shall come forth, for their graves shall be opened; and they also shall be caught up to meet him in the midst of the pillar of heaven--

 (D&C 88:97)

Also, I remember the talk Like A Broken Vessel by Elder Holland, being given in October 2013 General Conference. When it was given the part below stood out to me. We went over this in our Relief Society lesson last Sunday and again this part stood out to me.

"I testify of the holy Resurrection, that unspeakable cornerstone gift in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ! With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that which was sown in corruption will one day be raised in incorruption and that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”12 Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another,”13  (Like a Broken Vessel)"

I love reading things like this and thinking of my sweet Tacen coming forth and being able to see him again! I also enjoy thinking about how he'll be able to walk and run without restraint. He won't have the mortal struggles he faced in this life! What a beautiful picture that paints in my mind!  I'm so very grateful for the knowledge I find in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For my testimony not only of eternal families, but also of the resurrection and the glorious day when I can be reunited with my son in his perfected state! What a blessing to have modern day prophets and the gospel restored! 

Brothers...Even if Separated

As a family we have watched the below video more than a dozen times. Daxon loves it and laughs along with Tacen for being so silly in the mud.

The other morning (12.13.13) Daxon was playing in my bathtub while I was getting ready for the day. He started laughing and it got my attention. I looked over and knew instantly what he was doing and that he was impersonating the above video of Tacen.

It's these precious little moments that I love! Seeing Daxon follow after his big brother in simple, but small ways helps me to know that Tacen is influencing his brother from afar. They'll always be brothers even if they don't get to be together right now and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm so thankful that we have a beautiful guardian angel in our sweet Tacen watching over Daxon and all of us. And I'm so glad that Tacen's silly ways can show up in the most unexpected of times just like his little brother impersonating a video he had seen before. Love my boys! I love that heaven is so much closer than I often realize and I'm so lucky that I have these little reminders every so often!

It's been a Tacen day

This morning Daxon discovered Finn (This was Tacen's favorite car, but we actually burried him with his and this a replacement car) sitting on Tacen's shelf in the living room. He wanted to play with it. As we were sitting by the front window in the kitchen waving good bye to Dad as he left for school, Daxon began to push the Finn car in the window sill. I instantly went back to Tacen who not only LOVED this car, but would be found frequently driving cars in the window sill. Tears filled my eyes as I thought of a sweet similarity for that small moment in my boys who I often think are so vastly different most days. I consider these moments tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father and a reminder that Tacen is near!
Some pictures of Tacen driving his cars in the window sill and one of Dax too!

As the day went on Daxon pulled down Tacen's baby book from G'ma Sue and began looking through it saying, Mommy, Dad, Papa and Baby (we are still working on Grandma). As we were looking through his book after the Finn experience it again brought me to tears thinking of my sweet boy and just missing him.
Later in the day I got the mail and a package had arrived for something I had order. Long story short she had found this blog and Tacen's story and was touched by his story. She'd sent me a gold T initial necklace. This is a woman I do not know at all and her thoughtfulness amazed me! I have continually throughout the process of losing Tacen and missing him been amazed at the kindness of others! I love the necklace and I love that we often used to call Tacen - "T."
Tacen has filled my thoughts today. For me it is good to take a day now and then to miss him a little extra. To let the tears flow freely. To think of our sweet boy and just be in the middle of it all. I probably don't take the time for this often enough, but I find the days I do to be very therapeutic. So thinking of you a little extra today Tacen! Loving you always!