A Taste of Modern Medicine

Our children have been sick. Iszella started coughing last Sunday. Then Daxon followed, but he got the blunt end of things. He was whinny and not sleeping! He would just cry to me! He didn't want to play. I finally took him in last Thursday to the Dr to discover he had strep, bronchilitus and a double ear infection. His breathing was at 90%. He wasn't good. We got him on a strong antibiotic and started breathing treatments! That afternoon he only slept for 40 minutes of his nap (he normally sleeps 1.5-2 hrs) and I could hear him coughing and his breathing sounded strained! I got him feeling concerned about how he was doing. The next morning Iszella woke up and sounded worse. We had to take Daxon in for a follow-up appointment so we decided it would be best to get Iszella checked out too. She had strep! Thankfully they're both on antibiotics and making slow but steady progress! 

While at the doctors office I said to Daxon a couple different times, "you need to do (whatever the doctor or nurse was asking him to do). It will help you get feeling better!" In my mind I flashed back to when we were seeking treatment for Tacen. When we were trying to an IV in unsuccessfully and saying something along those same words, "Tacen honey we are trying to help you get feeling better!" Ultimately not being able to figure it out and he didn't get feeling better. Guilt occasionally hangs over mine and Cade's heads in that we couldn't help him get better. No one could. Yet as a parent you're supposed to protect your child. You're supposed to watch over them! You are supposed to make things better when no one can. You as a parent are supposed to watch over them. In Tacen's case there was nothing we could do. We sought out intelligent doctors all over the country and they were stumped! But it still is hard knowing there was nothing more we could have done! We gave him blessings and prayed for a miracle, but that was not our Heavenly Father's plan for us and Tacen! 

As Daxon has gotten feeling better I am so grateful that the treatments we've asked him to do are helping him get feeling better! I'm thankful for modern medicine that can do so much! For a loving husband and father who gave him a blessing! I was so relieved when he woke up the next morning more like himself! I'm thankful he's getting better and it gives me reassurance that Iszella will too! I'm thank for the many things that modern medicine can do even if it couldn't save Tacen. Its reassurance that it was his time to go. I'm ever grateful for the days we get to spend with Daxon and Iszella. 

Going in Circles

Today we went to the park. Daxon was playing minding his own business and some of the other little boys seemed like they were out to get him. He wanted wood chips on the bottom of the slide and then to slide down and push them off himself. Some of the older boys probably 4-5 (Tacen would be this age) were upset and almost yelled at him saying they didn't want them on there. I try to sit back and let Daxon handle situations like this so I'm not the over protective parent who always swoops in. Instead of trying to intervene with the boys (whose mother's were there). I tried to redirect Daxon. I showed him a different slide to put his wood chips on. Only the boys then went to that slide. My mama bear wants to bust out and intervene and I always have to restrain myself from doing so. So I redirected Daxon again and we headed home for some lunch.
I'm honestly not that worked up about this. What really happens is I start to think about Tacen. I start to wish my all my heart that he was here to play with Daxon. So they could have grown up together and had each other as friends. In our move over the last 6 months we just haven't established friendships with people here. I have old friends that we've been able to get together with and they have children. But Daxon doesn't have friends like he did in Memphis. This makes my heart ache for him. He ADORES other children and playing with them.  At the end of the day he should have Tacen. We should all have Tacen and they should have each other. Tacen should be his big brother and should be here to stick up for him when other kids are bothering him. Instead he's not here. I just want him here some days or every day. Today was one of those moments. I have them quite often where I just sit and wish.

Daxon and Iszella and I were at Thanksgiving Point a few weeks ago. A little girl came up to Iszella and was pointing at her bow and trying to show that she had one too. The little girl was probably about 18 months old. I was right there and watching, but Daxon said, "hey stay away from Iszie!" He was protective of her and watching out for her, even though sometimes he pushes her off of the slide at home or takes a toy. He loves her and he was watching out for her.  That. That right there is what I wish Tacen were here to do for Daxon.
I have these thoughts often of how Daxon wasn't supposed to be the oldest. I can't quite explain it, but Tacen was supposed to be the oldest. I'm sure I would have had moments where older kids were taunting or bothering Tacen. But he was meant to be the oldest in our family.  So when I see Daxon having to fill this role, its different because that's not how it was supposed to be. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
I often go in circles with these thoughts. I think about how I wish Tacen could be here and I know he can't be. I think about how much I miss that boy and how sometimes its just not fair! Today was one of those days. One of those moments when life is just not fair. One of those moments when even almost 2 and half years later grief still wins because a piece of my heart is in heaven and until we are together again I'll miss him. Until we are all together something is missing and I'll always be reminded of that. So until then I look forward to that day with all my heart!

Holding These Little Ones Close

We are preparing another move and we recently purchased a home. We've been driving back and forth with the kids for weekend trips out to Roosytown and weeks back to the city. I feel like we've been a little crazy lately. I've been a little less than patient with Daxon lately and it really pricks at my heart. I hate when I'm not patient. I sit and tell myself, "Kelsie, you know what it's like not having a child with you! You shouldn't be impatient! How would you feel if he was gone?" on and on like that. I know impatience is normal or at least in my world, but I hate when I'm impatient.  We went "home" the last 3 weekends in a row.  I knew Daxon could sense the changes coming, and he's been acting out a bit more, requiring more attention and being a bit of a stinker.  I was discussing this with my mom and she asked if Daxon wanted to stay with them for the week. We'd leave Sunday and be back Thursday evening. He could stay and have fun. I knew deep down he would have so much fun staying with Grandma and Papa. He'd get lots of extra attention. I could get some things done at our townhouse and perhaps the separation would be good for both of us!
I talked with Cade about it. He said it probably was a good idea. I was seriously considering it.  Then the more I thought about it the more I knew I couldn't leave him. Not because he wouldn't have fun or be ok, but because I knew I couldn't handle leaving him for that long! I've never left him for more than a few hours. I started realizing how I have held these little ones of mine extra close since we lost Tacen. I know it's irrational, but I feel like if I keep them close I can protect them. I can keep them with me longer. Maybe, just maybe, I won't lose another one. Because if I have them close to me they'll be safe. This is all silly of course because we didn't leave Tacen very often and I couldn't save him. Nothing I could have done would have kept Tacen here with us. Yet, in my mother heart and mind it makes sense.
I also started thinking about how if I left Daxon I'd have just Iszella home and I worried I'd flash back to when I just had Daxon after Tacen passed away. I worried it would be too hard. Before I started thinking about leaving Daxon for a few days I hadn't realized this was a feeling of mine. I hadn't realized how much I needed them near me. You see we are poor students so naturally we don't go out very often. We also honestly LOVE spending time together as a family so we'd just as soon do something we can do with the kids in tow instead of leaving them. I know it's healthy to leave your children occasionally. I know that it's good for Cade and I spend time together just the two of us, but its hard.
That being said I know I need to work on being able to leave our kids occasionally, but I also know that my heart needs them close. I need them with them. They make me happy even when I want to pull my hair out because of frustration. I need them close so I can try to protect them. So maybe, just maybe I'll have them close to me a little longer than we got to have Tacen here. So maybe I won't have to experience the loss of another child. That's something I hope never to experience. So for now I'll hold these little ones close and love them with all every fiber of my being. Because you never know how much time you have. That's a fear of mine.

Being Like Tacen

This morning (1.26.15) Daxon requested to watch Tacen movies. I turned some one. We watched one when he got his wagon from G'ma Sue and Pa and he was eating a popsicle. Daxon then decided he needed a popsicle. I didn't have any popsicles being winter and all, so I gave him a frozen gogurt. He needed gloves to wear so his hand wouldn't get cold. Then he requested that I take pictures of him too. Daxon has asked a few times recently to watch Tacen videos. It's really sweet that he knows and loves his brother. He usually ends up requesting to do whatever Tacen was doing in the video. I was talking to Cade about this and he said, "It's Tacen's way of getting to be his big brother now!" I just love that idea. It made me think about how Iszella loves to be doing whatever Daxon is doing and how she follows him around and just adores him.  That's how it would have been if Tacen had been able to be here and be Daxon's big brother right now. So it's really neat, fun and special to catch a glimpse of that with the home videos we have of Tacen. What sweet brothers!

Talking About Tacen

We try to talk about Tacen as often as we can. We especially have discussed together (Cade and myself) about wanting our children to know Tacen. He's an important part of our family and just because he's not here with us doesn't mean he isn't important or that we want him to be forgotten.  I know I've mentioned it before, but sometimes people don't know how to handle it when we talk about Tacen.  They act uncomfortable or just try to listen and get past the subject as quickly as possible. When he first passed away I struggled with this. Now I just talk about him and I figure if someone feels uncomfortable that's their choice, but its so much harder for me not to talk about him and my heart aches so much more than if I just bring him up.
We've had a few experiences with Daxon bringing Tacen up lately and it warms my heart. Daxon is really big into helping give the prayer on food lately. He starts naming off a list of different various items he's thankful for. The other night he included Tacen in his prayer.
If we ask Daxon where Tacen is he will either respond, "With Jesus" or "in Heaven." I'm not sure if I wrote it down here or not, but one Sunday during sacrament meeting in church I was trying to talk to Daxon about the sacrament and how we have the sacrament to remind us of Jesus. When I said, "Jesus." Daxon immediately made a connection and said, "with Tacen!'
We have a picture of Tacen eating Eier Kuchen and he has nutella on his face. It's in a cute block that someone gave us that says, "Some I love is in Heaven" and we have it in the kids bathroom. Last night we were going potty before bed and Daxon looked up at the picture. He said, "Tacen likes Eier Kuchen!" So we talked about how Tacen liked Eier Kuchen just like Daxon and how he had nutella on his face.  Eier Kuchen is one of Daxon's favorites right now. So I think it was fun for him to make that connection to his brother.

Finally, today we had been outside playing and Daxon got cold. He asked to come inside. I suggested we have some hot cocoa to warm up. When we came in he wanted to watch a movie. Then he suggested we watch a Tacen movie! We watched a handful of movies and ended with one where Tacen is trying to get a fly with a fly swatter. Daxon wanted to get the fly swatter and try to get some flies too! I couldn't help wondering what it would be like if they could play together. Yet, I'm so thankful that Daxon loves his big brother and talks about him.
My heart longs to have Tacen here with us, but until then I'm thankful we can keep his memory alive. I'm thankful for my sweet 2.5 year old boy who loves his brother and talks about him. Even if he only knows him from pictures and movies. It's wonderful that he knows him! I'm also incredibly grateful for videos of Tacen so help keep him alive more. So we can recapture those sweet moments and so his siblings can know him until we can be with him again!
Here's the video he watched:

Christmas in Heaven

Tacen December 2010

My sweet friend Chelsey shared this poem with me in 2012 when we had to celebrate our first Christmas without Tacen. I love it! I love thinking of Tacen up in Heaven and all the wonderful things he must be seeing and doing!

Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear 

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. 

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring 

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. 

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place 

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face? 

I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell you of your love 

So, then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing 

For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.

By Wanda Bencke

You see it is because of Christ that I know I can see my sweet Tacen again. It is because He was born all those years ago. Because He was willing to die for me and all of us. This time of year there is a special spirit and that is the spirit of Christ. We can celebrate Him. His life, his birth the miracle of it all. I can know that I'll be with my sweet Tacen again.

Just the other night before bed Cade and I were discussing Tacen. I was talking about how it all seems like a dream him being here in our lives. I was talking about how if the resurrection happened now that Daxon would be physically older than Tacen and how strange that all is. That night I was blessed to have a dream with Tacen in it. Oh how I love those dreams, because for those few sweet moments it feels like I am with him again. I got to see his sweet smile and in my dream I heard him say, "mommy." I got to hold him and hug him.  I got to think about how he had so many struggles before he passed and how when he is resurrected he'll be perfect. He'll be able to run like he was never able here on earth. I got to think about how his language will progress and he'll be able to talk with us. And in my dream for those a brief moment I got to see it all. Oh how glorious it will be!

I know that it will be because of our Savior. So I celebrate Him, now and always! I think of my sweet boy in Heaven celebrating Christmas with our Savior and I smile because that's a beautiful image to think of!

My sweet friend Rachelle had this drawn for me and I love this picture and all that it represents so much!

Laundry Basket Fun

Just a week or so ago Daxon and Cade were playing in with the laundry basket and Daxon wanted Cade to push him with Iszella in the basket. I stopped to take some pictures and instantly flashed back to when Tacen and Daxon were being pushed around in the laundry basket. It's these small, simple moments that help me to keep Tacen alive in my life, my mind and my heart. I know he'll never be forgotten I won't let that happen, but sometimes it feels so much like a dream that he actually lived and when I feel these moments and remember him being here it warms my soul. I love seeing the many similarities with our children! 

Visiting the Cemetery - Figuring this out

Yesterday I was out in Roosytown taking Iszella to a dr appointment and visiting family. I had a minute to drop by the cemetery by myself and visit Tacen's grave. Over the last 2 years this hasn't been something I could do regularly.  Because in our first year we made 2 trips and in our second we didn't make any to Utah from TN, we hadn't had the chance to go often. It wasn't a normal part of grieving and experiencing this loss.
Now that visiting the cemetery and Tacen's grave/headstone is a possibility it brings a mixture of feelings and emotions. I have from the beginning felt that this was a memorial to our son. The design of his headstone shows that. But I have felt strongly that he's not there. If I want to feel Tacen near I got to the temple. I haven't been to the temple since Tacen passed without feeling his presence near. He's not with his body right now. His spirit is separated for a time.

Yet, as his mother I feel like I need to visit. I feel like that's my duty. As I've gone I am often filled with sadness and a feeling of how unfair it is to not have Tacen here with us now. Its a physical reminder that he's not here any more. It's something I am trying to sort out now that visiting is an option as it hasn't been before now. It's one of those things that I have to figure out along the way of this path that has been presented before me. Losing a child was never something I imagined would happen to me. Having to go through this process was not something I'd ever ask for. Yet here I am and it has happened. So I learn. I grow. I experience. Throughout all this I figure out what works for me. I figure out how I will deal with this. How I can learn and grow and become a better version of myself. Because everything happens for a reason.
I miss my sweet boy desperately. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. I could let that overcome me, but what would that accomplish? In my mind nothing. So I see each new challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow. I see it as a way that I can become more emphatic for those I know who have lost loved ones and for those I will encounter in the future. I see it as a chance to figure things out in life. Isn't that part of life? So for now I am trying to figure out how visiting Tacen's mortal memorial can be a part of my life. How I will handle this. It's not something I thought it'd do.
I know each one of us has many things that happen in our life that we never thought we'd have to experience. Many things that we never thought we'd have to do. And for me the important part is to face these challenges. Figuring out what works for us and putting one foot in front of other. Moving forward and doing the very best we can!

Pumpkins and I'm Batty for Daddy

There are little things that I love to do and one of those is putting my children in similar clothes and take pictures. So I knew we needed to get a picture of Iszella in the Batty for Daddy onesie with a pumpkin just like I already had of Tacen and Daxon. I love doing something like this when I can't have them all here together right now.

Tacen 2010

Daxon 2012

Iszella 2014

Sure do love these precious little ones! 

2 Children Together

Today marks the day that we have officially had Daxon and Iszella here together longer than we had Tacen and Daxon together! Each of these milestones that we make it past are such a blessing. Tacen wasn't very fond of Daxon, but over time he warmed up to the idea of a little brother. One of the many things I missed and felt such a loss over was the fact that all the dreams I had envisioned for Tacen and Daxon in growing up together and having each other were shattered! 

In my mind Daxon was never meant to be the oldest sibling. He was supposed to have Tacen here to show him the ropes, watch out for him and be his big brother. I know that Tacen is still watching out for him from the other side, but its still sad to think about him not being here with Daxon.

When we lost Tacen I knew that I wanted Daxon to have another sibling. When we had Iszella I would have never expected how well Daxon would fill that role. I worried about him and how he would handle it, but he loved her instantly. He adores his sister and she adores him. It's a mutual feeling! Seeing them together continually melts my heart and warms my soul. Seeing them interact and love each other at such a young age has been so rewarding. Hopefully they'll never have to know what its like not having one another. Seeing them together for me has filled a void that has been present since we lost Tacen. I firmly believe every child needs a sibling and I love seeing our children together.  I love knowing that Tacen will always be watching over his siblings and also that Daxon and Iszella have each other together now. It's been so hard seeing Daxon longing to have a friend to play with or loving playing with friends and knowing that Tacen should be here for him. They should be little buddies, arguing no doubt, but little buddies all the same. 

I'm unbelievable grateful we are able to have Daxon and Iszella together! I'm grateful they are healthy and doing well and we are able to watch them growing and see their ever budding relationship. I have been a little extra anxious for Iszella to grow up so that she can play with Daxon and I can see them having a relationship that we didn't get to see through with Tacen and Daxon. Yet they already love each other and interact so well at such a young age. Hooray for making it past another milestone!

2 Years

It's been 2 years today since our sweet Tacen passed away! Over the last week I have replayed Tacen's final days and moments in my mind. I have a vivid memory of the last Monday (Oct. 22, 2012). Tacen wasn't feeling well. I had been working to get a hold of Dr. Fulton our neurologist. Tacen wasn't walking (looking back on it I think he made have some paralysis at this point) and we spent much of the day watching TV. I sat next to Tace as he watched his show and I was watching some netflix shoes on the laptop. I have felt sorrow that I didn't just sit and really "be" with him all the way. That's one thing I would have changed if I had known what was coming. I never would have imagined when we took Tacen to the hospital that he wouldn't be coming home with us. We thought we were FINALLY going to get some answers and get things going better for his walking. However, along with that I am thankful we had a week to really comprehend what was happening and accept that Tacen wasn't going to be with us any longer!
It's hard during this time of year not to go back to that time. To his last week and all that transpired. I always feel such mixed feelings. One that we've made it 2 entire years! In the hours, and days following his passing I didn't know how we'd go on and move forward without Tacen. But we've made it this far! We've done it! I know we can continue to do so! I know our Heavenly Father is constantly on our side, carrying us through the difficult days and helping us move on.
In contrast it also feels like FOREVER since I saw Tacen, held him and was with him. It's such a mixture of emotions and feelings.
I do know that Heavenly Father sent us Daxon and Iszella and they were exactly that we needed in our lives over the past two years. They are such a joy to have! Daxon is really beginning to know and learn about his brother Tacen. He knows that he is with Jesus. Just a couple weeks ago in Sacrament meeting I was talking to Daxon about the Sacrament Ordinance taking place and how it was to help us think of Jesus and Daxon looked at me and said "Tacen is with Jesus!"  Daxon and Iszella are such a blessing from Heaven! As is Tacen. Even though we no longer get to have Tacen here with us, he is ours forever! I know one day we will be with him again.
I know he is there watching over us. I miss him terribly. That never goes away! I have gotten more used to it. I have adjusted and adapted. I'm so thankful that we have made it through 2 entire years since he passed. I'm thankful for each person who has made it easier. For the incredible support and love we have been shown time and time again. The people who have touched our lives along the way have been a true heaven send.
My sweet boy, I love you! I think about you all the time. There is not a day that goes by that you don't come into my mind. You taught me so much while you were here with us on earth. You changed me as a person and a mother. Thank you sweet boy for being you! For being apart of our family! Thank you for allowing us to feel your presence and know that you are nearer than we realize. I love you!
Your, Mom

Primary Program

Sunday (10.26.14) was our primary program in our ward. There is one Sunday a year where the children give small speaking parts and sing songs for our congregation. I adore the primary program. It's always so cute to see the kids giving their parts and hearing them sing. Children have a special spirit about them.
Yesterday as the children were going up to begin the program I was hit with the realization that Tacen should have been up there. He should be a sunbeam (the class he would be in) and he should have been in the program. We haven't had a lot of significant milestones that we've missed yet and I know they'll be coming as time passes, but this one really hit me.  I spent much of the program with tears streaming down my face just missing Tacen and thinking about how he should have been up there with other children. It's those small milestones that seem to creep up sometimes. The realization of the fact that in this life they won't happen is hard to take some days. For me yesterday was one of those days.
I know my emotions and feelings are raw and we approach the 2nd anniversary of Tacen passing this week and that didn't add to the emotions of it all. I found out later that day that it was also the primary program in our old ward in Memphis. So if we had stayed there or moved here it would have been his first primary program either way.
I wish I could have been a beaming parent as I watched him go up to the pulpit and give his part. I wish that I could have watched him up there singing the songs. Pointing out to Daxon where he was up there. It would have been so much fun to see. But for now that won't be my reality. For now I will hold onto the memories that I have and cherish the times that Daxon talks about Tacen. I will help his siblings to know him. Because he is still my son. He is still their brother. We are still a family. We will have days where we miss him more than others and there will be milestones we realize we are missing.

Grief...it never goes away

Tacen has been filling my thoughts a lot lately. I miss him. I go through periods of time where I think I'm doing better. I've adapted. Adjusted. Then it hits me out of no where and I just miss him. I have small moments often in my day to day life where I'll wish he was here with us. But then there are days where he fills my thoughts and I really notice that he's not here. I am so overly aware of his absence.
I'm not sure what it is about this year but I have been distinctly aware of the approaching dates in relation to our last few weeks to month we had with Tacen. We've hung this pumpkin picture in our living room area and I look at it often.

As I looked at this picture I recalled my sweet mother wanting to get some pumpkins and take pictures of Tacen. Because of her desire (and honestly probably prompting) we have a dozen or more pictures of Tacen just 2 weeks before he passed away. We have many faces and reactions. I love looking through those pictures and thinking of him. My mom had gotten him a couple new hot wheels cars (a favorite of his) and he had so much fun just driving them on the pumpkins.
I hate this its almost been two years since we had Tacen here with us. I hate that we have to be separated right now. I miss him! Yet sometimes it feels so much longer than just two years. Other times I'm amazed I've made it this far.
I just miss this sweet boy. Tacen you are in my thoughts often. Sometimes (like today) the grief creeps in a little more than usual. I let it take over. I cry. I think of you. I watch the videos we have of you and I remember what it was like having you here. I find I have to take those moments when they come. I have to continue to go through the process of grief. It's different for everyone. But it's real. It doesn't go away as time passes. Its still here. That's when I know that my love for you, my relationship as your mother is real. You are real even if you are not here. I know that having you here with us wasn't a dream, even though sometimes it feels as though it was. It was a beautiful dream! Until that becomes a reality again one day I keep thinking of you, my sweet boy. I try to let your memory and life live on in me. Thanks for teaching me so much. I love you!

Angels Among Us

Oh I believe there are, angels among us
Sent down to us, from somewhere up above
They come to you and me, in our darkest hours
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give
To guide us with the light of love.
("Angels Among Us" Alabama)

We had a regional stake conference broadcast on Sunday 9.14.14  Elder Russel M. Nelson was one of the speakers and he spoke about angel. Not the kind with big fluffy, floofy wings, but they kind that are messengers, protectors or just the kind among us who listen to the spirit and help those around them.
After I listened to that talk it stuck with me. Over the past almost 2 years there have been many times when I know Tacen has been near watching over me and our family. There are times when after something happens I know that I was only kept safe because of some unseen being and I choose to believe that it's often Tacen watching over us.
One time last summer we were out biking. Daxon was just over one and riding in the bike trailer. Cade was pulling him and I was riding along with them when a german shepherd dog came out of know where and ran into my bike near my ankle. The dog hit be hard enough I should have fallen over, but I didn't. Then the dog proceeded to try to jump on the trailer and get Daxon. I was filled with rage and adrenaline. It scared us quite a bit. Later as I thought over that instance I fully realized I SHOULD have fallen over! I know Tacen was there watching over us. If I'd fallen over I have no doubt that dog would have bitten me and I'm sure I would have been injured!
I also often felt Tacen near watching over me during my pregnancy with Iszella. I felt like he was trying to keep us both safe and get her here to be apart of our family!
I recently read this quote from a family member's instagram and it again reminded of this thought of angles!

"Those we love don't go away they walk beside us every day unseen, unheard, but always near." -unknown

I would do anything to have my sweet Tacen back with me, but I find it a blessing of him being gone to have our own guardian angel watching over our family. I know he loves us and wants what is best for his family. It brings me comfort to know someone I know and love so much is helping us out! It helps to ease the sting of sadness to realize these small and simple blessings that continue to be made evident in our lives!

I also have thought a lot about being an "angel" to someone in need. There have been many since we lost Tacen who have acted as "angels." They have answered prayers and blessed us in numerous ways far too many to count. I am still often amazed at the kindness and generosity of others. Often from those we don't know that well. It is those who we have been blessed to be surrounded by over the last 2 years who have also been angels. They have helped to make the hard days a little easier!
I think about how when we are in a better financial state how I want to be able to help others as we have been helped! I want to be a hand that helps others and gives back as we have been helped so much. I want to be in tune to the spirit and be able to be the hands to help Heavenly Father answer a prayer.

Love

We just moved across the country. In that process we went through things and I kept coming across pictures and movies on Daxon from the first year or so after Tacen passed away. There is something that I can't explain, but that I love about him here. As I reflected on it more I soon realized a big piece of that is that he saved me. Daxon gave me the much needed purpose I wouldn't have had after losing a child. He brought me (and continues to do so) indescribable joy! The more I thought about it the more I realized that when I see him at that age I see what helped me survive the hardest thing I've experienced in this life! I see my little sun spot in the clouds of grief! 

I've also been filled lately with the feelings of love and gratittude for these precious children. I often look at pictures of Tacen and I am so grateful I got to have him in our home and in our eternal family. I continue to learn so much from him!

Now I look at Daxon and Iszella and I am overcome often with love and joy to have them in our lives. They are little heaven sends to me! They help me better, more patient. They love me no matter what! That is part of being a parent giving of yourself. Being selfless and being loved in return. It's not always easy, but for me its always been worth it!

Same Age

Today marks a significant milestone. Daxon. Is as old today as Tacen was the day he passed away. I feel like I can breath a small breath of relief and I also feel like we are in uncharted territory! It's strange that our second son is now as old as our oldest. It's strange that Tacen is immortalized at this age. It strange to watch Daxon pass up Tacen, yet it feels like Tacen should be older. 

I've been waiting to get past this point. I'm thankful, so thankful that Daxon is still doing well and healthy! It's a blessing to watch him grow and develop normally! To watch him progress and grow!  It's a blessing! It's strange to me to think that from here on out we will have had Daxon in our lives longer than we had Tacen here with us. It again strikes me how short a time we had Tacen here with us! It wasn't long enough! Yet I'm grateful and hopeful we can continue to have Daxon here with us and watch him grow knowing that some day we'll be with Tacen again. Until then I keep trying to do my best. Keep learning from the lessons Tacen taught me. Keep trying not to take each day with our little family for granted knowing it can all change too fast. But living grateful for the time we have! Loving these precious children we have in our lives no matter the length, but hoping for longer than we had Tace!