Going in Circles

Today we went to the park. Daxon was playing minding his own business and some of the other little boys seemed like they were out to get him. He wanted wood chips on the bottom of the slide and then to slide down and push them off himself. Some of the older boys probably 4-5 (Tacen would be this age) were upset and almost yelled at him saying they didn't want them on there. I try to sit back and let Daxon handle situations like this so I'm not the over protective parent who always swoops in. Instead of trying to intervene with the boys (whose mother's were there). I tried to redirect Daxon. I showed him a different slide to put his wood chips on. Only the boys then went to that slide. My mama bear wants to bust out and intervene and I always have to restrain myself from doing so. So I redirected Daxon again and we headed home for some lunch.
I'm honestly not that worked up about this. What really happens is I start to think about Tacen. I start to wish my all my heart that he was here to play with Daxon. So they could have grown up together and had each other as friends. In our move over the last 6 months we just haven't established friendships with people here. I have old friends that we've been able to get together with and they have children. But Daxon doesn't have friends like he did in Memphis. This makes my heart ache for him. He ADORES other children and playing with them.  At the end of the day he should have Tacen. We should all have Tacen and they should have each other. Tacen should be his big brother and should be here to stick up for him when other kids are bothering him. Instead he's not here. I just want him here some days or every day. Today was one of those moments. I have them quite often where I just sit and wish.

Daxon and Iszella and I were at Thanksgiving Point a few weeks ago. A little girl came up to Iszella and was pointing at her bow and trying to show that she had one too. The little girl was probably about 18 months old. I was right there and watching, but Daxon said, "hey stay away from Iszie!" He was protective of her and watching out for her, even though sometimes he pushes her off of the slide at home or takes a toy. He loves her and he was watching out for her.  That. That right there is what I wish Tacen were here to do for Daxon.
I have these thoughts often of how Daxon wasn't supposed to be the oldest. I can't quite explain it, but Tacen was supposed to be the oldest. I'm sure I would have had moments where older kids were taunting or bothering Tacen. But he was meant to be the oldest in our family.  So when I see Daxon having to fill this role, its different because that's not how it was supposed to be. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
I often go in circles with these thoughts. I think about how I wish Tacen could be here and I know he can't be. I think about how much I miss that boy and how sometimes its just not fair! Today was one of those days. One of those moments when life is just not fair. One of those moments when even almost 2 and half years later grief still wins because a piece of my heart is in heaven and until we are together again I'll miss him. Until we are all together something is missing and I'll always be reminded of that. So until then I look forward to that day with all my heart!