Playing with their brother

 Friday (2.19.16) we ran to the store for some milk and I decided to stop by the cemetery! We've taken to calling it Tacen's special place. We talked about how there were many people who had special places here and it was all the people who were in heaven and couldn't be here with us any more. This seems to really make sense for Daxon and I love it. As soon as we got there the kids started playing on his headstone! At first I wasn't sure how to react! The longer I thought about it I loved it. I loved that they were "playing" in the only way they can right now with their brother. I worried it might seem disrespectful, but its ours! We chose that headstone, we paid for it and he's our son and their brother. So if climbing on it makes them happy while we visit its a ok in my book! I loved this simple little moment where they had the chance to play with their brother! We sure miss you Tacen! Always and forever until we get to see you again! We Love You!

All Together For A Moment

Last night we watched a few videos of Tacen which I always love to do! I just love to see him alive! Then last night he was running through my dreams (literally he was running in them and was just in them). I don't get to dream about Tacen nearly often enough! I wish that he was in my dreams every night. I've thought a lot lately and last night as the watched the video how I wish so badly I could see him for just one moment. That I could hold him! Kiss his face! Smell his scent! Just take it all in one more time for a brief moment! I long for this so much! As I awoke this morning after having dreamt about him last night it was as if my family, Cade and our 3 children and myself had all been together for the night! It was real enough that I felt like I had been with him! Which I love so much. It filled that small void for a moment to make me feel like our family had been together! Oh how I long for that day and look forward to it with more excitement than I can explain! Until them my sweet boy! I miss you! Thanks for running through my dreams last night!

Here's a couple of the videos we watch last night! Iszella especially loved these two! She even said, "Tace!" So glad my kids have the opportunity to know their brother and that we have pictures and videos of him for them to see!

My Boy

Saturday (2.13.16) this photo popped up on Facebook as a memory. I've had a lot of thoughts running through my mind the last week or so I just want to get written out! One being that I LOVE talking about Tacen if you know me at all you will know that I still bring up Tacen and he is still apart of regular conversations in my life. He's my boy! He ALWAYS will be. I still am floored sometimes at the reactions that I get when I bring him up! The most common is for the person to whom I am speaking to pretty much freeze and not say anything about Tacen. I've always understood that its a difficult subject, yet I've always felt that its most difficult for me and if I want to talk about him then you should be ok with it. Maybe that's not the right approach, but that's how I feel. It's hard not having him a here and I just want to talk about him like I do our other children!

Second thought as this picture popped up its hard for him to just be a memory. He's not a reality right now and that's hard. It's hard to know what was and what could be, but not have it right now.

Third thought is my heart has just been aching for my boy over the last week or so. It just hits me at very different, but distinct times! Tears come to my eyes and I just feel the ache that loss brings. I don't always understand what triggers this, but I know my heart aches. I know I miss him and I think of him often! I just wish he were still here! So for now I love that these memories can still pop up and I can still see pictures and videos of this sweet boy of mine!