11 Years

Dearest Tacen,

It's been 11 years today since you returned to heaven! 11 years without you and it often feels like another lifetime that you were here with us. Oh how we miss you and can't wait to be reunited with you someday. The kids talk about and love you and it warms my heart when they bring you up. Iszella left her seat belt buckled in our expedition and it tells you which buckles are buckled and which are not. I went to drive by myself this week and hers was buckled along with mine. When I was asking her about it, she simply said, "mom it was Tacen." It made me smile. I know it's silly, but I love that she thought of you. The kids often talk about how we have one more seat for Tacen in our expedition. 

We talk about how losing Tacen has changed us. It's leaves it mark. One of those is that we realize often how short life is. We realize that life can change on a dime. If eel like we hold our other kids a little closer or makes choices to do things all together because you just never know. I'm thankful for the reminder of this in our Tacen. I'm thankful for the light he brought with that continues to still touch our lives. 

I'll forever have the moments where I wish Tacen was here or wondering what things would be like to have a 13 year old. Wondering what he'd be doing in school, what his interests would be and how he might get along with our other kids. But I will also be forever grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and his perfect plan of happiness that promises that one day I'll be with him again. One day everything will be made right. I hold on tight to those promises. We sure love you sweet boy. We miss you always. Keep shining on us from heaven!

Love,

Mom

Happy 9th Birthday

Dear Tacen!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! You would be 9 today! 9 years since you made me a mom. 9 years since we met you for the first time and fell instantly in love with those blue eyes and brown hair! Its been over 6.5 years since we said good bye for now my sweet boy. We all miss you! Iszella often says, "mom we all miss Tacen!" She also has said a few times lately, "it sure is taking a long time for Tacen to come back!" Studying the New Testament this year at church and having our new Come Follow Me Curriculum we've spent a lot of time talking about our Savior and his life, Atonement, death and resurrection.  Having also had Cade's grandpa Kowallis and my grandma Knight pass away in April we talked about how they are now in heaven with you sweet boy.
The day I found out that my grandma was likely going to pass away Iszella had a dance recital and I knew it was likely we wouldn't make it in before she passed. As I was driving in the car I remember talking to you Tacen and asking you to give her a big hug for me because you would likely see her before I did. Then after she passed away I learned that she had seen you visiting her. I love thinking of her being with you. Iszella asked the other day when I was telling she and Daxon how you used to love bran muffins who was making you breakfast. We talked about how maybe Grandma Knight was making your breakfast and then in her innocence she added or Jesus' Mom! I know there are many in heaven who I loved in this life with you. With each love one that passes on I long for the second coming more. Not because I'm ever going to be good enough, but because I'm so ready to be with you again sweet boy! But I'm not ready to leave our family here so the 2nd coming is the only thing that brings us all together!
Daxon a few weeks ago was having a rough Sunday morning. The girls were playing together and he was feeling left out and didn't want to play what they were playing. In a moment of frustration he looked at me and said, "Mom I just wish Tacen was here then we could play cars!" He talks often about teaching you to ride a bike or to swim. They sure miss and love you!
This week your dad was put in the bishopric at church on Sunday (6.30.19). That morning I was feeling weepy! Pregnancy hormones have sure amplified that situation! I was thinking of you and how I needed extra strength that day. As I was getting ready the thought out of no where came into my mind, "Mom, I'm here!" It was all I needed to know that Tacen was near. I know sweet boy that you are always close. I feel your love and know you are watching over us until we can be together again!
Sweet boy I wish I could see you as a 9 year old boy. I wish I could see what you would be like. What you would like to do. Would you love biking like Daxon? Swimming? Would you have a totally different interest and hobby? Would your hair be dark brown like your dad's? Oh how I can't wait to have all these questions answered. How I can wait to hold you in my arms again and hug you tight! Just know sweet boy and your birthday and all year through you are loved, you are missed and we are doing our best to make good choices so we can be with you again! We are eating rice, going swimming and letting off balloons today in your honor sweet boy! We love you so much!

Love,
Mom

Decorating T's Special Place - Memorial Day 2019

Thursday (5.23.19) we went to Allred's and the girls helped picked flowers to put in Tacen's truck to put at the cemetery for Memorial Day! Then we came home and planted it. We had planned to run it out Thursday night, but ran out of time. So Friday evening(5.24.19) we ran out to decorate his special place. The kids always start climbing on his headstone right away. I always like to think of it and a way to "play" with him right now. We sure love and miss this boy.  Last Sunday (5.19.19) Cade had had a meeting and Lula May was being a little grumpy and the girls didn't want to play cars with him. At one point Daxon says, "Mom I just wish Tacen was here so he could play cars with me!" It's these little moments that make me smile in how much our kids love Tacen and also break my heart, because I wish he was still here too! He is so loved and never forgotten and that's always been so important to me! We love you Tacer Racer!

6 Years

Dearest Tacen

It's been 6 years today since we said good-bye for now! My how we miss you sweet boy! Its days like this I find myself thinking about and wondering what it would be like if you were still here with us! I long to see those blue eyes and hold your chubby hands! As time goes on being able to deal with your absence changes. Its not as harsh and piercing, but I still have moments where it hits be and knocks the breath out of me! When the longing strikes extra and I just wish to be with you.
I'm forever grateful for Daxon, Iszella and Lula May who remind me of you often! Daxon has recently begun praying and saying "Bless Tacen!" Iszella prays often that Tacen, Lori and Jesus will come back soon! She asks often where you are! She talks of before you were all in my belly and how she was in heaven with Tacen and Daxon! Lula May will catch a glimpse of one of your pictures on the wall and smile really big and point! They all know and love you. It's so important to me that you know you are never forgotten!
Yesterday at sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Each Life that Touches Ours For Good," and this part really stuck out and touched me as I thought of the fact that today would be your six year angleversary!

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory
Bringing, us nearer, Lord, to thee.

Tacen you are my goal right now. I want to be better. I want to do better, so that I can be with you again some day! You push me to try harder. You help me remember how precious life is and how things can change on a dime. You ground me and help me to be more patient with your brother and sisters! I want nothing more than when I've completed my time on this earth to see you, to wrap you in a big hug and potentially NEVER let go! I often feel you near and know that you are watching over us! If we can't have you here with us right now I'm so very thankful to know you are our own guardian angel! I love you so much my sweet boy! Thanks for listening and sending me not one, but two red headed sisters! Daxon has been praying for a baby brother for about a year now. So when we get ready to have another sibling would you send him a brother? He'd love nothing more than to have a brother here. I wish so badly you were here with him. He's the best big brother to your sisters and I know its the role he was meant to play, but oh how I long for you to be here and be his big brother! I know you are near often. I know you are still the big brother in our family even if you are not here, but its not the same. Sometimes I think about how our lives might be more chaotic and crazy if you were here, but wouldn't it be fun!?
We are thinking of you not only today, but always! Please never forget how much we love you! It's been 6 years and sometimes I can't believe its been that long and sometimes it feels like forever since I hugged and held you in my arms! We are 6 years closer to seeing you! I can't wait for that day, I love you so much sweet boy!

Love,
Mom

Happy 8th Birthday

Dearest Tacen

The last few months your absence has been continually very apparent for me. As I've seen the kids born near you getting baptized I've thought of you and noticed your absence. As grandkid events have come and gone I've thought about how you should be here and where you would fall. As Daxon prays daily for a baby brother I think about how you should be here and how he has a brother! I find myself thinking of you often and wishing so much you were here. You are always missed and NEVER forgotten!
It's so crazy to be that we should have been planning your baptism this weekend. I know where you are and I know you would have chosen to make this commitment in your life. I wish that we could see you dressed in white with your father and gone down into the baptismal font to be baptized! I wish that we could plan a program and make it such a special day! I wish we could celebrate this milestone in your life instead of wishing for it.
The other day Lula May was pointing to your baby picture we have on the wall in the dining room and Dad made the comment that she was the last one to see you! I often find myself wondering what you would be like at 8! What would your interests be. Who would your friends be? How would our family dynamic be different with you still here? How would that change the sibling relations or would the be different at all? So many questions I won't have answered in this life time and so many things I wish you could be here for!
Iszella prayed the other night that you could come back and then followed it up with, "Mom when will Tacen come back?" I said honey some day we'll see Tacen again, but I don't know when that will be. Her response was, but what day? How many days until then? I can't tell you how much I wish that I had an exact date to count down to! How much I wish that I knew exactly when I could hold you in my arms again!
Grief has away of sneaking up on me. We go through the year and I always think I've got it under control. I think that I know what to expect and yet it always sneaks up on me. It always seems about March I really started to realize that your birthday is coming. I start thinking about how you should be turning a year older and I see the kids who I remember being born when I was still pregnant with you. I see what they are doing and how they are growing and I ache for you! I ache to be experiencing all those things with you! Then as we hit your birthday it really strikes and I just wish you could be here to be hitting this milestones! I wish you could be with us right now!
Instead though we take July 2nd each year and we celebrate you! We talk with your brother and sisters about your favorite things. We find time to go and play in the water because that was always your favorite! We eat rice and cake. We talk about how you hated frosting and you really only loved the cake part! We let off balloons each year (8 this year) and we remember you! We hold you close buddy! We talk about you often! We are so thankful to know where you are, we are so thankful to have you watching over us! We long for the day we'll all be together again, but until then this day is yours! We love you sweet boy! Keep lighting up our lives from where you are and know how much we love you!
Happy birthday my sweet boy! I'll never stop missing or loving you!

Love,
Mom

Happy 7th Birthday

Dear Tacen! 

Happy 7th birthday Tacen Cade Kowallis, my sweet boy! 7 years ago you made me a mother and you haven't stopped blessing my life since that day! I laid awake thinking the other night wondering what you'd be like as a 7 year old. I can't imagine it! I still think of you as my cute 2.5 year old boy! I often wish we could know what it was like to raise you now! 

When Lula May was born I realized we have the perfect family! 2 boys and 2 girls! I'll be wishing you we're here with us every day until I can hug you again!!! Daxon often reminds me that you're his big brother! He knows and loves you in such a tangible way!!! Iszella knows you and loves you. She's especially appreciative to know you're watching over her and helping to keep her safe. She gets scared often now and it means the world to her to know you're watching out for her! I know you are always near and it's truly a blessing!!! 

We had planned to bless Lula May at church on your birthday, but I came down with a nasty stomach bug instead that wiped me out for the day! We did eat rice on Saturday night thinking of you and we sent you 7 balloons for your birthday! We are planning to go to the lake on the 4th so we'll get our traditional water fun in a little later this year! 

This year the grief that always strikes by your birthday hit me a little out of no where! We have been insanely busy with our basement project and adding Lula May to our family. I haven't had the time I normally have to sit and reflect and give enough of my thoughts to you!!! But as always grief strikes even if I don't have the proper time to offer it!!! We miss you buddy! Not a day passes where I don't think of you!!! I'll always wish you were here with us and wonder what it would be like to have you at each age!!! I'd love to see your personality grow with your age!!! See what your interests are! I sat wondering if your hair would be really dark like daddy's now or if it would still be a lighter brown. Would you still have bright blue eyes or would they have changed to green like mine did when I was 7 or 8? Would you still love cars or would you have moved on to other hobbies and loves! Most of all I wonder what it would be like to have our family whole and not have a little piece of my heart missing! 

Happy birthday buddy! 

Love, Mom

Promised Blessings

As we draw closer to Easter and to the arrival of our new little one my thoughts have been turned to Tacen! Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him! I love how much our children know and love him. Iszella recently has been scared of monsters and we've talked a lot about asking Heavenly to help us feel safe and also remembering that she has an older brother Tacen to watch over her! She proudly announced a few days ago, "mom Tacen is my brother! He will watch over me and help keep me safe!" Daxon Saturday night out of the blue said, "mom I miss Tacen! When does he get to come back?" This allowed for a discussion about the seconding coming and how when Jesus comes again Tacen will be resurrected! Dax asked how Tacen would get here and Cade suggested he'd float down! Daxon liked that idea! I'm so thankful that our kids know and love Tacen! I'm also unbelievably grateful that our Savior was resurrected so we too might be! I think of baby fruit loop with Tacen now and I'm a little jealous because I would love to hug my sweet boy and see those blue eyes and his big smile! But I've felt often through this pregnancy Tacen near! I'm grateful to be his mother and I can wait to hold him in my arms again some day!!! #tacegram #tacensstory

Decorating T's Special Place

Saturday (12.3.16) we went down to the cemetary with Papa and Grandma Ruthie to put the little tree on Tacen's grave! My parents have been so great to decorate his grave and I so much appreciate it! The kids love going down to Tacen's special place. The tree looked cute with lights, ornaments and cars. I couldn't help after we got things decorated and Cade and Daxon were running around thinking about how I wish Tacen were here running around with them too, but then I try my best to remember that some day I'll see those dreams and longings fulfilled even if not in this lifetime! We sure love Tacen and we feel so blessed that he's apart of our family! 

4 Years

Dear Tacen

It's been four years today since you went back to Heaven! We still miss you like crazy! You've been on my mind a lot lately. I think that's pretty normal for October, but being pregnant with another baby brother or sister of yours has heightened my emotions! There's so many things I often wonder about! I wonder what you'd be like as a 6 year old! I wonder what it would be like to have you here with us. I wonder how our family dynamics would be. But there are so many blessings you bring to our family even though you aren't here! I feel you near often! I love knowing that you are watching over us and that we have our own guardian angel! I love thinking about your being in heaven with this new sibling that will join our family in the spring!
Its hard to believe its been 4 years! How have you been gone that long? We are inching closer to you being gone twice as long as you were here with us, but we are also 4 years closer to seeing you! I love to think about that day. I imagine the sun will be shining it will be warm and bright. I'll see you and you'll be able to run to me! I'm certain I'll pick you up and never want to let you go, but I know I'll have to share you with your dad! I can't wait sweet boy!
Thank you so much for watching over us! Thank you for choosing our family and being the perfect boy you are! You give me so much hope. You keep me grounded and constantly remind me of what's really important in life! I hope I can be as good as you and one day be back with you!

Love you my sweet boy!
Always- Mom

...And then there were...six!

We are excited to announce that we are expecting another sweet baby to be added to our family in April 2017! When we miscarried at 11 weeks in June it was a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. We had taken Daxon and Iszella with us to the appointment only to find out there was no heartbeat and the baby was measuring only 8 weeks. I was still nauseated and throwing up and so confused as to how the baby had stopped developing! Then to top off such a devastating day we had to try to explain to our kids, especially Daxon that there was no baby in my belly and that our baby was going to stay with Tacen in heaven.  I felt awful that my sweet 4 year old who already has had to experience loss and trying to understand it at such a young age was again having to try to understand loss. Thankfully Iszella was pretty oblivious, but for weeks Daxon kept asking about the baby in my belly! I tried my best to explain this in the best way I knew how. It took a while, but he finally stopped talking about the baby in my belly quite as much.

We knew we still desperately wanted to add to our family and we feel so blessed that we were able to get pregnant again! I have been sicker than ever, but feel so lucky that our sweet baby is 13 weeks, measuring right on and has had a great, strong heartbeat! We are anxious for this little one to join our family! The kids are excited about this sweet baby which they've helped me decide we are calling Baby Fruit Loop.

My hormones have been all over the place, especially when it comes to Tacen lately! We are approaching his 4th angelversary and it seems so hard to believe that he hasn't been here with us for that long. This month always brings a waive of emotions, but especially after our miscarriage and now having extra pregnancy hormones I have found myself with tears running down my face often as I think of our sweet Tacen or miss him! I know he's close, but I sure do miss him! No matter how much time passes I still long to have him here with us. I often find myself wondering what it would be like to have a 6 year old and wish he was here with us now! I'm hoping he'll be close to us through this pregnancy and that he's with this sweet baby in heaven telling him/her good things about our family! We can't wait to have another little piece of heaven in our home! 

The Same Age

Today marks the day that Iszella is as old as Tacen was when he passed away! It is so nice to now have two children who have passed this mark. I'm so thankful to see Iszella walking, talking and progressing as she should. It's such a blessing to me to have two beautiful healthy children still here with us! Yet, its surreal. It's so crazy to me that Iszella who was never alive while Tacen was is now as old as he was. Sometimes she seems so much older because she talks well and walks well. Milestones Tacen never reached. Yet size wise she's still much smaller than Tacen was. It's hard to believe in just a little under two months Tacen will have been gone for 4 years! If there is one thing I have learned it's that life goes on. It stops for no one! I'm thankful for the beautiful life we had with Tacen, for the beautiful life we now have and for the knowledge that Tacen is always near and one day (no matter how far away) I'll get to experience all the experiences moving forward with Tacen! Until then I'm thankful for the days we get with Daxon and Iszella. For the things Tacen has taught me and the things he continues to teach me and bring to my remembrance! 

Accepting the Lord’s Will and Timing

The other night I was reading the Ensign and came across this article,  "Accepting the Lord’s Will and Timing" By Elder David A. Bednar.  Here's a few parts that stood out to me:

"I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”"

"In his October 1997 general conference message, Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’--meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.”"

"I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “John, do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”"

"...strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives--even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted."

"Elder Bednar, I do not want to die. I do not want to leave Heather. But if the will of the Lord is to transfer me to the spirit world, then I guess I am good with that.”"

There were a few parts of this that I really relate to. The part which says, "Do you have faith not to be healed?" In our experience with Tacen that's how I felt. We knew that God could perform a miracle, but it wasn't His will for Tacen and our family and his will was for us to accept that he would not be healed and that he would return to our Heavenly Father!

Then the end really reminded me of what I feel like I have learned since Tacen's passing. "And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity."

"Thus, their experience was not primarily about living and dying; rather, it was about learning, living, and becoming."

Because of Tacen I have learned many things I couldn't have learned in any other way. It has taught me about life, about joy and about becoming who I am supposed to become.  All of these things have happened since we lost Tacen. Tacen changed me and he continues to help me be better! I'm grateful for the chance to be his mom. Because even though losing Tacen makes me feel like a piece of my heart is missing I wouldn't trade all those memories and the love for anything! It love looking back on pictures and remembering to pure joy he brought into our lives. I'm grateful for an eternal Father in Heaven who understands us and loves us. He helps us through our deepest hardest moments and not only do we get through them, but we come out stronger, better and more refined!
Each trial we face and overcome we become stronger! I continue to learn this in my life. Life is not without trial, but each time I face something difficult looking back I see how I learned. I see our Heavenly Father's hand in my life and I come through. I make it through. I have highs and lows, but I am learning and trying to better. Because life is wonderful! Life is worth living!

Here's a couple pictures of my sweet boy!

Iszella has really been into lip gloss lately. Maybe it's the age! 

Learning from Loss

If there is one thing I have learned along my journey of loss its that it teaches you things. I have learned that loss is hard! That its a struggle and a grieving process. It's not something you just get over. Its something you learn to live with and it can strike again at any moment. You have those moments where sadness and grief take over and I have learned that I need those moments. I need to take the moments to let the emotion out.
Yet, in all of this loss has taught me to slow down! That life is short and you are never guaranteed that tomorrow will be the same as today. It has taught me that my children are precious and special. It has taught me to appreciate my husband more. I am grateful for every day I have with them. I am not perfect. I'm a normal mother with normal frustrations and struggles, but loss has taught me that each moment is special. Each child of mine brings me light and joy into my life in a different way. It has taught me to hold on a little tighter, to love a little stronger and to not let the simple and special moments pass by! Tacen continues to remind me to stop and slow down!
Loss has taught me to appreciate the moments in my life. To appreciate pregnancy in all its glory and miracles because even when it can difficult there are those who want nothing more than to carry a child within their womb. To appreciate that through the ashes and struggles we can arise and be more!
Loss has taught me that everyone has struggles. Every struggle is hard for the person experiencing it and there is no need to compare! The struggles, the losses they make us stronger! I've never wanted loss to define me! I want to rise above just like my Tacen and say, "I think I can!" and then get up with a smile on my face and press on! Because I am learning and I am growing! I am trying to appreciate the simple moments. To stop and hold my children tightly, to love them fiercely and to feel gratitude in my life! So as someone who as experienced loss for me, please stop and enjoy those moments! Because even when something is hard I have a life to live and I am grateful to wake up in the morning and be here with the children and family I have been blessed with here on the earth! Its not going to get easier. Life isn't meant to be easy. Life is meant to help us grow! So I am going to keep on growing because loss won't define me! I won't let it!

Tacen's 6th Birthday

Dear Tacen

You would be six today! Happy Birthday my sweet boy! Its hard to imagine what you would be like at six. I imagine you would be wrecking havoc and causing trouble with your brother and sister! Something I long for quite often. I wish I could take a peak for just a moment at what might have been if you were still here with us. Its hard for me to imagine!
We all miss you. Daxon talks about you often! He says things like, "Mom I miss Tacen I wish he could come down with us!" He recently found and extra pillow in his closet and he put it on his bed and said, "That's for Tace so when he comes down he can sleep with me and I will give him his b (blanket) back." Daxon has been sleeping with one of your blankets the last 6 months or so. I am constantly amazed at how much he thinks about and speaks of you! He knows and loves you and I am so grateful for that! One of my biggest fears from the moment you passed away was forgetting. I didn't want to forget anything about you and I didn't want others to forget you. I know that time has made my memories fade, but you are definitely not forgotten!
Iszella is starting to talk more of you too! She loves to talk about how I am her mom. Then she begins listing, "Iszie's mom! Tacen's mom! Daxon's mom!" She knows and loves you!
The kids love to go to the cemetery or your special place as we've started calling it. Daxon has noticed that their are other graves and he knows that those people also have special places and they are in heaven with you. He's a smart boy! The kids always climb on your headstone, which at first I wasn't sure if that was ok, but then I realized that it was their only way of playing with you and its an endearing sight for me to see!
Tacen as I think about the day you were born and the two birthdays we got to spend with you I am reminded of all the joy you brought into our lives! The day you were born you made your dad and I so happy and so proud. We were so excited to be parents and you fulfilled that dream for us! You were stubborn and made us wait for what seemed like forever the last month of my pregnancy, but that first time I held you in my arms it was all worth it. You instantly had me with your bright blue eyes and dark hair!
On you first birthday I recall playing so joyfully in the water and digging right into your cake! You had a smile on your face most of the day! That contagious smile of yours!
On your second birthday I think about how I went a little overboard on your birthday party. I guess that's what happens with your first! I made car shaped crayons, race tracks, cars frozen in water and more than I can recall! I remember being thankful after you passed away that your last birthday was a big one! We were so happy to celebrate you! Your love for cars was a big part of who you are! Along with those big blue eyes and that smile!
I am so unbelievably grateful for the time we got to have with you! 28 months wasn't long enough, but as I've thought back on it all I realize our time could have gotten cut short much sooner! It was such a blessing we had you with us as long as we did! We learned so much from you! You allowed me the privilege of being a mother! You taught me to never give up, but to think I can and keep going! I still am learning things from you and your example and zeal for life!
We wish every day that you could still be here with us, but I feel you near often and that is a blessing I hold dear to my heart! I know you are never far and I can't wait until the day I can hold you in my arms again! I just might not let go! Happy happy birthday my sweet boy! I hope you always know how much we love you and I hope perhaps you are having some angel food cake for your birthday! We love you so much!
Love,
Mama

Easter Season - HALLELUJAH

Throughout my life I was always aware and grateful for the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ! It gave me the blessings to knowing I could see those who had passed away.  It gave me hope for life after death. But after Tacen passed away it became more real.  I did a little math today and it's been 1241 days since Tacen passed away (almost 3.5 years). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. That I don't long for him to be here with us right now. Sometimes when I say 3.5 years it just doesn't sound as long as it feels, but today when I thought of 1241 days that felt more like how it feels to me. It's been a long time! I miss him!
Then Easter comes around and I am again reminded of the beautiful plan our Heavenly Father has for us! He laid out a perfect and wonderful plan for us to come to earth, grow, make mistakes, learn, repent and live our lives. Each of us would one day pass away and then we are promised resurrection! We are promised the chance to be with our loved ones again!

If you haven't watched this beautiful video you should! It describes how my heart feels! I am ever grateful for a loving Heavenly Father giving us this beautiful plan and our brother, Jesus Christ being so loving and willing to not only atone for our sins, but our hardships, heartaches and pains and then to die on the cross and rise again so that we might as well! I will be with my son again. I will hold him really tight! I'll hug him and kiss him and probably won't let him go! He's mine not just for the short 28 months we had him here, but forever! He will live again one day and he'll be perfect! He won't have the physical challenges he faced here! He'll be perfect and it will be glorious! This Easter season I hope you can feel the hope it brings into all of our lives! He can take away sorrows! Hallelujah!

Playing with their brother

 Friday (2.19.16) we ran to the store for some milk and I decided to stop by the cemetery! We've taken to calling it Tacen's special place. We talked about how there were many people who had special places here and it was all the people who were in heaven and couldn't be here with us any more. This seems to really make sense for Daxon and I love it. As soon as we got there the kids started playing on his headstone! At first I wasn't sure how to react! The longer I thought about it I loved it. I loved that they were "playing" in the only way they can right now with their brother. I worried it might seem disrespectful, but its ours! We chose that headstone, we paid for it and he's our son and their brother. So if climbing on it makes them happy while we visit its a ok in my book! I loved this simple little moment where they had the chance to play with their brother! We sure miss you Tacen! Always and forever until we get to see you again! We Love You!