9 Years

As I have been pondering Tacen and the fact he's been gone 9 years, it brought to mind a lesson I've been learning since earlier this year. When Tacen passed away it was easy for me to say we didn't get our miracle, but we could see the Lord's hand. We understood and knew His will for both Tacen and our family. We knew it was Tacen's time to go and we know where he is. My dear friend Jen whose sweet husband passed away 1.5 years ago taught me an important lesson. I was talking with her about this and she taught me of their miracle. It got me thinking and reflecting. Some of our miracles with Tacen were he started have his "regressions" at 13 months and we had him with us until 28 months. We had our week in the hospital which was a very sacred time for our family, one where I was able to come to acceptance. Since that time we have been blessed innumerably with special and spiritual experiences with Tacen.

Then I got to reflecting on our life and family. It's hard to know what would have been, but I don't know if we would have had Iszella so quickly. She and Daxon have always been so close and their relationship might have looked different. We likely would have stopped having children after Lula May. 2 boys, 2 girls, the perfect combination. But then we added Lucille, who is such a light and blessing and felt prompted and guided that one more spirit NEEDED to come to our family, this sweet little baby boy I am carrying now. This is not the path I would have chosen for myself in so many ways, but it is the path that was meant to be. The one that is right for our family.  I couldn't trade Tacen for Lucille and this baby. In ways losing Tacen has helped my heart to grow and in the growing it has helped my own heart to heal which was what I needed in my personal journey. 

We also discuss often of the many things we have learned through the experience of losing our son. The ways it has helped me to grow. The testimony it gave me of my Savior. He was never more tangible and real for me than those days leading up to Tacen's passing and also the days and months following. While we often have said we wished we could have learned these things in another way, that wasn't our path and I am grateful for my own personal learning and growth. 

So as I reflect on the 9 years without my sweet boy. The longing I always have to have him here with us, I also reflect on all I've learned because of him. On how my life has been so blessed by being his mother. On how I am a better person for the experiences I've had that directly relate to my sweet boy. I am forever grateful for you Tacen! You bring light into my life. I look forward with so much joy to seeing you again some day. I love thinking of you being with your baby brother right now and wish so badly I could hug you one more time. Sending all my love and 9 years closer to seeing those piercing blue eyes and getting one of your hugs! 

Happy 11th Birthday Tacen

Dear Tacen,

 11 Years ago you made me a mom! You were bright eyed from the start. So sweet and snuggly. You grew into such a fun little boy and we can't wait for the day we can see you again and watch you grow. We miss you! We talk of you often in our home. You are an important part of our family even though you are not here. Most recently Lula May has been saying often how much she wishes you could come home and that she misses you. I often wonder if you have been near her. 

Each year that passes is harder to imagine what you might be like. It's crazy to think how old you would be. Instead I dream of your sweet blue eyes just as you were sweet boy. We still talk often and wonder how our family would be different had you been able to stay. 

This last year when Daxon was in his accident I knew that you were there protecting him. I knew you were there comforting me. I knew that you had helped us get our miracle with Daxon and we are ever grateful to know that we have such a wonderful guardian angel. 

Today we do all your favorite things. We planned a lake day of boating. Oh how you loved the boat. You were such a fish and in the water at such a young age. You always helped drive the boat. We always have to watch at least part of a Cars movie and eat rice for dinner. I always think about not frosting the cupcakes we make for you because you never much cared for frosting. 

We love you! Always and forever. 

Love, Mom