You can find this video and more here.
Shining Star
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Easter
I've been spending a lot of time, as Easter approaches, thinking about its meaning. This year more than ever I've realized the true meaning of Easter more this year than ever before. I've realized how glorious the resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ is! How lucky I am to have this knowledge! Because of our Savior Jesus Christ, his sinless sacrifice and magnificent resurrection all of mankind will be resurrected and during that glorious time I will be able to reunited with my sweet Tacen!
You can find this video and more here.
You can find this video and more here.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Perspective
If you come by our home on any given day most likely you will find toys strewn about, Optometry school books, a pair or multiple shoes, and many other things. Before Tacen passed away I would pick up all the toys each evening and try to clean everything up. I worried so much about a spotless house with things put away. I'd stress about it and sometimes get frustrated when our home looked less than clean. Now my perspective has changed! I would much rather stop and enjoy the time with Cade and Daxon then stress over all the toys being put away each night. Let me pause by saying that I still value cleanliness, but having everything put away in its own little place isn't so much a priority of mine any longer.
It is the time in my life to have children in our home. To be with them and to have their toys and things scattered about. There will be a time when Cade and I are older, our children are gone and there won't be our children's things. There won't be anyone there to mess it up if you will, but for now I am going to enjoy seeing the hand prints on the mirror, the toys everywhere and enjoy my little family for as long as I have them here!
That all being said my sweet mom came across an article from How Does She that talks about nurturing yourself and grief and what not here are a couple parts that stood out to me.
Little things that may have once bothered me took on a different light. One day, my kids took two worn-out, oversized pillows with seems beginning to split, from their play room and proceeded to tear out all the cotton batting. In the blink of an eye (or the time it took me to unload the dishwasher) it was spread ALL over the entire floor. Their unbridled joy was incredible. They were making trails, “snow” angels, and piling mounds into billowy clouds when I happened upon the scene. Seeing their jubilation, I couldn’t get angry. And in the BIG picture, I was learning not to sweat the small stuff. I was learning slowly but surely, this was “small stuff”. So instead of getting angry, I got out the camera.
I'm thankful that the spirit guided me to know that I needed to stop and enjoy my life right then. I felt very strongly prompted to stop and enjoy my life in the moment last summer. I kept thinking ahead to next summer (Summer 2013) when Daxon would be bigger and interactive. Tacen would be walking better and I just thought things would have been perfect! However, the spirit was there. It was telling me, "Kelsie, stop and enjoy life now." I tried to listen and there are things that I didn't stop and enjoy and there are moments that I missed capturing. The pictures below are two I took of Tacen in his element. The first I was nursing Daxon and Tacen got very quite in the kitchen. I went out to find salt dumped all over the kitchen floor and Tacen playing right in the middle of it.
The 2nd was one of Tacen's favorite getting the water out of the fridge drenching himself and playing in the water.
And whenever I saw an orchid, I thought of what an orchid grower once told me, “some species require an extended cold snap in order to induce a bloom”. She explained how the plant may go through a period where perhaps it feels like it’s dying before it brings forth its greatest beauty. Hmmm. I considered the possibility that there might be a process built into humans that works that way too. And I was encouraged to endure the long, cold feelings in the hopes that someday, I too could bring forth beauty from this tragedy.
I find in my life that there are little little positives (or sometimes large positives) that come from the challenges and struggles we face. Even with the passing of my sweet Tacen there have been little positives. I look for those. I cherish them. You see I can't bring Tacen back, I can't change that he's gone, but I can find those little positives. So I strive to. I also strive to find within myself that process of change, endurance and growth as I go through the trials of life and as I do I grow, my perspective changes and I hope that I am shaped into the person I have the potential of becoming!
It is the time in my life to have children in our home. To be with them and to have their toys and things scattered about. There will be a time when Cade and I are older, our children are gone and there won't be our children's things. There won't be anyone there to mess it up if you will, but for now I am going to enjoy seeing the hand prints on the mirror, the toys everywhere and enjoy my little family for as long as I have them here!
That all being said my sweet mom came across an article from How Does She that talks about nurturing yourself and grief and what not here are a couple parts that stood out to me.
Little things that may have once bothered me took on a different light. One day, my kids took two worn-out, oversized pillows with seems beginning to split, from their play room and proceeded to tear out all the cotton batting. In the blink of an eye (or the time it took me to unload the dishwasher) it was spread ALL over the entire floor. Their unbridled joy was incredible. They were making trails, “snow” angels, and piling mounds into billowy clouds when I happened upon the scene. Seeing their jubilation, I couldn’t get angry. And in the BIG picture, I was learning not to sweat the small stuff. I was learning slowly but surely, this was “small stuff”. So instead of getting angry, I got out the camera.
I'm thankful that the spirit guided me to know that I needed to stop and enjoy my life right then. I felt very strongly prompted to stop and enjoy my life in the moment last summer. I kept thinking ahead to next summer (Summer 2013) when Daxon would be bigger and interactive. Tacen would be walking better and I just thought things would have been perfect! However, the spirit was there. It was telling me, "Kelsie, stop and enjoy life now." I tried to listen and there are things that I didn't stop and enjoy and there are moments that I missed capturing. The pictures below are two I took of Tacen in his element. The first I was nursing Daxon and Tacen got very quite in the kitchen. I went out to find salt dumped all over the kitchen floor and Tacen playing right in the middle of it.
The 2nd was one of Tacen's favorite getting the water out of the fridge drenching himself and playing in the water.
I cherish these pictures and I cherish the new outlook Tacen has given me on life. That it's too short and I need to strive to stop and enjoy each moment!
How Does She also shares:And whenever I saw an orchid, I thought of what an orchid grower once told me, “some species require an extended cold snap in order to induce a bloom”. She explained how the plant may go through a period where perhaps it feels like it’s dying before it brings forth its greatest beauty. Hmmm. I considered the possibility that there might be a process built into humans that works that way too. And I was encouraged to endure the long, cold feelings in the hopes that someday, I too could bring forth beauty from this tragedy.
I find in my life that there are little little positives (or sometimes large positives) that come from the challenges and struggles we face. Even with the passing of my sweet Tacen there have been little positives. I look for those. I cherish them. You see I can't bring Tacen back, I can't change that he's gone, but I can find those little positives. So I strive to. I also strive to find within myself that process of change, endurance and growth as I go through the trials of life and as I do I grow, my perspective changes and I hope that I am shaped into the person I have the potential of becoming!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Change
I have much time to think. With that comes slow understanding into my feels, reactions, etc. I've had many say you and Cade must have been so wonderful to have been chosen to be the parents if such a choice spirit who wouldn't need to stay here and withstand the trials of this day(or something along those lines)! Most often our reply has been well then I guess I wasn't that special. However, I've thought and realized I don't think me being special has anything to do with it! I think it has more to do from all I have to learn, gain, experience and change through all of this! You can't go through something like this and not have it change you! For example I used to be quite particular about picking up the toys at night and putting everything away! Now I realize I would much rather spend that time with Cade or Daxon. Not to say I don't value having a clean home, but for me I've come to realize there are things in life that matter more to me!
I've come to realize that life is too short to hold on to hard feelings. That when I do it is only hurting myself and holding me back from the progression I need to make. So I'm working on forgiving and forgetting more quickly!
With things like this it brings change, but I'm still me. I still have the same personality, laugh and smile. I still joke around with friends and family. I still try to find the good life has to offer and be happy!
There's one other thing that has been on my mind. Yesterday on Facebook I have a friend who also lost a child and she post from another Facebook page this:
There are times when we need to step back from life and allow ourselves the time to grieve. There's nothing wrong or crazy or unnatural about that. After losing a child, society wants to push us back into the regular routine of life only days after going through the trauma of child loss. We're told we should be brave, not cry, get busy, do "normal things" -- but rarely does anyone say "Take all the time you need to cry. Take time to grasp hold of what has happened. Take time to externalize some of the pain you're holding in." We can only fake it so long until we finally have to stop and deal with the grief. Child loss is a life-changing, traumatic happening that can't just be swept under the rug. The pain touches every area of our lives -- even the way we breathe.
It got me thinking and I wanted to share it on my page so I did. Because I've gotten many different responses about staying busy and getting back into a routine and different things. All with good intentions. With it I posted:
Well said! I wish some would just say, "Grieve and take as long as you need!" Everyone grieve's so differently and in their own way!
Because no one ever said anything like this. I did get some people who had experience similar situations saying things like, "The hole in your heart won't ever go away, but the edges with soften and it won't hurt so badly." Things like that helped me.
A couple of my friends commented and said:
Yes, grieve and take as long as you need, be it days, months, years, or a lifetime! I don't think you'd be normal of you weren't still grieving.
I haven't been in your position, and I don't live close to you, but as I've only imagined how you might feel, I have expected for you to keep grieving and just take it one day at a time, and I don't think you should have to pretend to feel "normal" if you don't. If you wake up feeling like you aren't up for your regular routine, I think you're allowed to turn off your phone, ignore the doorbell, stay in your pj's, and grieve...as long as someone (like your hubby) knows you are safe, of course!
I appreciated their thoughtfulness. I have done just this. I have grieved. I continue to grieve. I take the time I need when I need it. I found for me one of the best things I can do it cry when I want to. It really helps me to get it all out and then most often I'll be ok for a period of time. Be it an hour, a day or even a couple days. Then I cry again when it hits and when I want to.
I've come to realize that life is too short to hold on to hard feelings. That when I do it is only hurting myself and holding me back from the progression I need to make. So I'm working on forgiving and forgetting more quickly!
With things like this it brings change, but I'm still me. I still have the same personality, laugh and smile. I still joke around with friends and family. I still try to find the good life has to offer and be happy!
There's one other thing that has been on my mind. Yesterday on Facebook I have a friend who also lost a child and she post from another Facebook page this:
There are times when we need to step back from life and allow ourselves the time to grieve. There's nothing wrong or crazy or unnatural about that. After losing a child, society wants to push us back into the regular routine of life only days after going through the trauma of child loss. We're told we should be brave, not cry, get busy, do "normal things" -- but rarely does anyone say "Take all the time you need to cry. Take time to grasp hold of what has happened. Take time to externalize some of the pain you're holding in." We can only fake it so long until we finally have to stop and deal with the grief. Child loss is a life-changing, traumatic happening that can't just be swept under the rug. The pain touches every area of our lives -- even the way we breathe.
It got me thinking and I wanted to share it on my page so I did. Because I've gotten many different responses about staying busy and getting back into a routine and different things. All with good intentions. With it I posted:
Well said! I wish some would just say, "Grieve and take as long as you need!" Everyone grieve's so differently and in their own way!
Because no one ever said anything like this. I did get some people who had experience similar situations saying things like, "The hole in your heart won't ever go away, but the edges with soften and it won't hurt so badly." Things like that helped me.
A couple of my friends commented and said:
Yes, grieve and take as long as you need, be it days, months, years, or a lifetime! I don't think you'd be normal of you weren't still grieving.
I haven't been in your position, and I don't live close to you, but as I've only imagined how you might feel, I have expected for you to keep grieving and just take it one day at a time, and I don't think you should have to pretend to feel "normal" if you don't. If you wake up feeling like you aren't up for your regular routine, I think you're allowed to turn off your phone, ignore the doorbell, stay in your pj's, and grieve...as long as someone (like your hubby) knows you are safe, of course!
I appreciated their thoughtfulness. I have done just this. I have grieved. I continue to grieve. I take the time I need when I need it. I found for me one of the best things I can do it cry when I want to. It really helps me to get it all out and then most often I'll be ok for a period of time. Be it an hour, a day or even a couple days. Then I cry again when it hits and when I want to.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Headstone Proof
We got Tacen's headstone proof and we live how it turned out! It has a few key features that are so him and I think he would have loved! The design isn't exactly how we envisioned, but we like it better! We are excited to see this all done and in person, even if it won't be til August!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Cade's Ring
Cade's ring finally arrived! Yay! He loves how it turned out and we are glad he has it!!! We are glad for some place like Needhams where you can design jewelry just how you like it! What a fun little reminder of our sweet boy! I'm so glad that Cade finally has his ring! We are loving wearing our rings around!
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