Change

I have much time to think. With that comes slow understanding into my feels, reactions, etc. I've had many say you and Cade must have been so wonderful to have been chosen to be the parents if such a choice spirit who wouldn't need to stay here and withstand the trials of this day(or something along those lines)! Most often our reply has been well then I guess I wasn't that special. However, I've thought and realized I don't think me being special has anything to do with it! I think it has more to do from all I have to learn, gain, experience and change through all of this! You can't go through something like this and not have it change you! For example I used to be quite particular about picking up the toys at night and putting everything away! Now I realize I would much rather spend that time with Cade or Daxon. Not to say I don't value having a clean home, but for me I've come to realize there are things in life that matter more to me!
I've come to realize that life is too short to hold on to hard feelings. That when I do it is only hurting myself and holding me back from the progression I need to make. So I'm working on forgiving and forgetting more quickly!
With things like this it brings change, but I'm still me. I still have the same personality, laugh and smile. I still joke around with friends and family. I still try to find the good life has to offer and be happy!
There's one other thing that has been on my mind. Yesterday on Facebook I have a friend who also lost a child and she post from another Facebook page this:
There are times when we need to step back from life and allow ourselves the time to grieve. There's nothing wrong or crazy or unnatural about that. After losing a child, society wants to push us back into the regular routine of life only days after going through the trauma of child loss. We're told we should be brave, not cry, get busy, do "normal things" -- but rarely does anyone say "Take all the time you need to cry. Take time to grasp hold of what has happened. Take time to externalize some of the pain you're holding in." We can only fake it so long until we finally have to stop and deal with the grief. Child loss is a life-changing, traumatic happening that can't just be swept under the rug. The pain touches every area of our lives -- even the way we breathe.

 It got me thinking and I wanted to share it on my page so I did. Because I've gotten many different responses about staying busy and getting back into a routine and different things. All with good intentions. With it I posted:
Well said! I wish some would just say, "Grieve and take as long as you need!" Everyone grieve's so differently and in their own way!
 Because no one ever said anything like this. I did get some people who had experience similar situations saying things like, "The hole in your heart won't ever go away, but the edges with soften and it won't hurt so badly." Things like that helped me.
A couple of my friends commented and said:
Yes, grieve and take as long as you need, be it days, months, years, or a lifetime! I don't think you'd be normal of you weren't still grieving.

I haven't been in your position, and I don't live close to you, but as I've only imagined how you might feel, I have expected for you to keep grieving and just take it one day at a time, and I don't think you should have to pretend to feel "normal" if you don't. If you wake up feeling like you aren't up for your regular routine, I think you're allowed to turn off your phone, ignore the doorbell, stay in your pj's, and grieve...as long as someone (like your hubby) knows you are safe, of course!

 I appreciated their thoughtfulness. I have done just this. I have grieved. I continue to grieve. I take the time I need when I need it. I found for me one of the best things I can do it cry when I want to. It really helps me to get it all out and then most often I'll be ok for a period of time. Be it an hour, a day or even a couple days.  Then I cry again when it hits and when I want to.