Tacen's 5th birthday is next week. I have been avoiding feeling it. Thinking about it. Letting it take me over because I just didn't want to feel it. I have really struggled with his birthdays since his passing. They're by far the hardest for me. It's the day I most want to scream, "It's just NOT fair!!!" He's supposed to be here. He's supposed to be one year older just like all the other children around me. Just like all the other babies who were born around him who just turned 5 or will soon. But sometimes I feel like I'm doing well. I'm ok. I've found my groove, my sweet spot. I'm dealing with it, but I'm not letting it take me over. I'm not letting the grief, the pain, the sadness, the ache in. I'm not letting it in! Then for whatever reason it may be it finally sets in and I have to acknowledge that feeling and I have to cry. I have to let the pain and ache out and then I can better forward from that point.
I feel like for the most part since Tacen passed away I have been ok at recognizing when I need to let myself grieve, but every so often it creeps up on me. Just a few days ago I had a dream about Tacen. It was a really sacred dream for me. Really special. The part I loved most was when I got to see Tacen. I ran to him! I embraced him and I held him. He said to me, "mom I'm so sorry I couldn't stay!" I looked at him and I said, "Oh honey. It's ok!" Then I got to watch him walk. As I watched him walk, he walked like a normal little boy and my heart leapt for joy! Because the two things I want most of all is to see my sweet Tacen again and to have him be able to walk normally. To see him without his impairments and to see him being free to do as any other child! Oh how I didn't want to wake up from that dream! I wish I could have stayed in that moment just a little longer able to be with Tacen!
You see there's this part of me that's always missing now because Tacen isn't here. There's a piece of my heart that left that day he finished his earthly journey. A pieced I won't be able to retrieve until I can see him again. There's an ache. There's a longing. There's hopes and dreams left unfulfilled! Nothing can fill that void, that hole, that ache. A sweet friend told me at Tacen's viewing (who had also lost a child) that there will forever be a hole in your heart. With time the edges will soften, but the hole will never completely go away. I can attest to this. In just 2.5 years the hole has not gone away, but the edges have begun to soften.
The little things like the smell of his sweaty head after naps, his sweet kisses on my lips before bed, his snuggles after his naps, his persistence and determination to get his way, his love and affinity for all things water, his voice, are just a few of the things that have created that hole. The small things that I took for granted while he was here are the things I miss the most now that he's gone. He's apart of me. Apart of our family and he's missing. That leaves a mark. He left a mark on us. I'm so grateful that he did. That he's mine, but boy do I miss him!
