We are preparing another move and we recently purchased a home. We've been driving back and forth with the kids for weekend trips out to Roosytown and weeks back to the city. I feel like we've been a little crazy lately. I've been a little less than patient with Daxon lately and it really pricks at my heart. I hate when I'm not patient. I sit and tell myself, "Kelsie, you know what it's like not having a child with you! You shouldn't be impatient! How would you feel if he was gone?" on and on like that. I know impatience is normal or at least in my world, but I hate when I'm impatient. We went "home" the last 3 weekends in a row. I knew Daxon could sense the changes coming, and he's been acting out a bit more, requiring more attention and being a bit of a stinker. I was discussing this with my mom and she asked if Daxon wanted to stay with them for the week. We'd leave Sunday and be back Thursday evening. He could stay and have fun. I knew deep down he would have so much fun staying with Grandma and Papa. He'd get lots of extra attention. I could get some things done at our townhouse and perhaps the separation would be good for both of us!
I talked with Cade about it. He said it probably was a good idea. I was seriously considering it. Then the more I thought about it the more I knew I couldn't leave him. Not because he wouldn't have fun or be ok, but because I knew I couldn't handle leaving him for that long! I've never left him for more than a few hours. I started realizing how I have held these little ones of mine extra close since we lost Tacen. I know it's irrational, but I feel like if I keep them close I can protect them. I can keep them with me longer. Maybe, just maybe, I won't lose another one. Because if I have them close to me they'll be safe. This is all silly of course because we didn't leave Tacen very often and I couldn't save him. Nothing I could have done would have kept Tacen here with us. Yet, in my mother heart and mind it makes sense.
I also started thinking about how if I left Daxon I'd have just Iszella home and I worried I'd flash back to when I just had Daxon after Tacen passed away. I worried it would be too hard. Before I started thinking about leaving Daxon for a few days I hadn't realized this was a feeling of mine. I hadn't realized how much I needed them near me. You see we are poor students so naturally we don't go out very often. We also honestly LOVE spending time together as a family so we'd just as soon do something we can do with the kids in tow instead of leaving them. I know it's healthy to leave your children occasionally. I know that it's good for Cade and I spend time together just the two of us, but its hard.
That being said I know I need to work on being able to leave our kids occasionally, but I also know that my heart needs them close. I need them with them. They make me happy even when I want to pull my hair out because of frustration. I need them close so I can try to protect them. So maybe, just maybe I'll have them close to me a little longer than we got to have Tacen here. So maybe I won't have to experience the loss of another child. That's something I hope never to experience. So for now I'll hold these little ones close and love them with all every fiber of my being. Because you never know how much time you have. That's a fear of mine.
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