Grief...it never goes away

Tacen has been filling my thoughts a lot lately. I miss him. I go through periods of time where I think I'm doing better. I've adapted. Adjusted. Then it hits me out of no where and I just miss him. I have small moments often in my day to day life where I'll wish he was here with us. But then there are days where he fills my thoughts and I really notice that he's not here. I am so overly aware of his absence.
I'm not sure what it is about this year but I have been distinctly aware of the approaching dates in relation to our last few weeks to month we had with Tacen. We've hung this pumpkin picture in our living room area and I look at it often.

As I looked at this picture I recalled my sweet mother wanting to get some pumpkins and take pictures of Tacen. Because of her desire (and honestly probably prompting) we have a dozen or more pictures of Tacen just 2 weeks before he passed away. We have many faces and reactions. I love looking through those pictures and thinking of him. My mom had gotten him a couple new hot wheels cars (a favorite of his) and he had so much fun just driving them on the pumpkins.
I hate this its almost been two years since we had Tacen here with us. I hate that we have to be separated right now. I miss him! Yet sometimes it feels so much longer than just two years. Other times I'm amazed I've made it this far.
I just miss this sweet boy. Tacen you are in my thoughts often. Sometimes (like today) the grief creeps in a little more than usual. I let it take over. I cry. I think of you. I watch the videos we have of you and I remember what it was like having you here. I find I have to take those moments when they come. I have to continue to go through the process of grief. It's different for everyone. But it's real. It doesn't go away as time passes. Its still here. That's when I know that my love for you, my relationship as your mother is real. You are real even if you are not here. I know that having you here with us wasn't a dream, even though sometimes it feels as though it was. It was a beautiful dream! Until that becomes a reality again one day I keep thinking of you, my sweet boy. I try to let your memory and life live on in me. Thanks for teaching me so much. I love you!