7 years

I remember vividly when Tacen passed away wondering how I could make it through the days ahead without him. How could I make it 7 days, let alone 7 months or 7 years??? It feels to me now that each year is a milestone of sorts! My grief is different now than it was those first few years. I still miss my sweet boy like crazy, but it hits me in waves sometimes unsuspecting and sometimes right on cue! However, it's not so all consuming as it once was. I'm not sure if that is time or if it has something to do with life moving forward. We have 2 more kids and another one to come in 7 weeks or so! Life is busy and crazy and I love it that way, but I don't have the time to sit and think about Tacen like I did after he passed away and it was just me and Dax home all day.
Now I think of him in different ways. Like when our kids bring him up and we talk about how they miss him and wish he could be here. When Daxon is frustrated with his sisters playing something he doesn't want and he says in frustration, "mom I just wish Tacen were here! Then we could play cars!" When Lula May looks at a picture where I have superimposed Tacen to be in it with our family and she says, "Tacen" as she points to him and it's almost a surprise that he would be in the picture with us. When Iszella asks in innocence "mom when will Tacen come back? I miss him!" I long to have all the answers to these sweet questions. I long for Daxon to have his brother here with him!
When I think of how he would be 9! How has that much time passed that we should have a 9 year old!? Yet I can't picture him being 9. I try to picture what he would look like, but he's frozen in time as that precious little 2.5 year old boy of mine. I wonder how he would have grown and changed. I wonder what his interests would be. I wonder a lot, but most of these questions will go unanswered for now.
But then I have those sweet moments like thinking of Tacen being with our sweet daughter as she awaits to join our family. I like to hope he is telling her good things about our family and us as parents. I like to think he is enjoying spending sometime with her before they will be separated for a time.
I know our sweet Tacen watches over us and I am ever grateful to know that our own guardian angel has so much of a vested interest in our family. I feel his love for us and I pray often that he will know of our love for him.
As life continues I think of the joy and happiness I still have in my life. I think about how life is not easy, but honestly how it wasn't mean to be. Yet, I have found joy and happiness just as I know Tacen would want me to. He found so much joy in the little things and we won't know in this life just how much pain he was in or exactly what his struggles were like, but I am sure there was some of that. Yet he found joy and we can too!
I miss my sweet boy. I always will! But I have seen how time changes and softens things. Thankfully the pain isn't so raw, the edges not so sharp and I'm here to say that anyone wading through the trenches of grief you can do this! It doesn't get easier but you get more used to it. Its edges soften and it can be less stark and all encompassing! Grief is a journey one you don't ever really figure out, but I have learned to embrace the journey. Give into the moments where I need to cry and even push it aside when it feels like too much for that moment. I have learned so much from my sweet boy and I will ever be grateful for his life, his example and the blessing of having him as my son. 7 years closer to seeing you again Tacer Racer! I love you!