Decorating T's Special Place

Friday (12.21.18) we went over to the cemetery with Papa to put Tacen's tree on his grave. I'm alway grateful for my parents and their willingness to put things to decorate T's special place. I love talking to our kids about Tacen. I had a special experience with Lula May in Bear Lake this last weekend. I had gotten a Tacen necklace for Christmas, but asked to wear it early so I could wear it in pictures and she grabbed it and point to his picture smiling and said Tace the way she says it (its not terribly recognizable, but I've heard her say it before when pointing to his picture on my phone) and then she leaned in and hugged my necklace up to her! It means so much that our children know Tacen. This Christmas time of year I'm so grateful for my Savior. That we can celebrate his glorious life and that because of him I will be with my sweet boy again some day!  We sure love and miss our Tacen!

Missing Tacen at Christmas Time

As I was pulling out ornaments and stockings this year (and every year) as I came to Tacen's it brings tears to my eyes. I said to Cade, "does it ever get easier!?" It always seems to hit! I always miss this sweet boy. There's a few thoughts that come to my mind first is that because of Christmas. Because our Savior was born. Because he lived. Because he died and was resurrected. Some day I will be with my sweet boy again! So with Christmas it brings so much to be happy about. Secondly my thoughts are turned to the time we had with Tacen and the memories we made. We have his duckie oranment (2010) that we picked his first year because he loved water so much. Then his second Christmas (2011) is his hand ornament. We tried at least half a dozen times to do his handprint and he kept making it squishy. It's not perfect, but it's his hand and it's priceless! Then 2012 the year he passed away we went to Hobby Lobby to pick our yearly ornaments. Cade and I picked one for us and we picked the big red truck ornament with presents in the back. I remember as we picked it and were walked away one fell off and broke and I remember thinking and saying to Cade, "that Tacen must have been there because it seemed that it was something he would do." Every year since then we've picked various trucks, carts, trains, etc. for Tacen's ornaments for the year. I love seeing them on the tree and thinking of him! Lastly we have his stocking. We love having pieces of him in our lives and in our home! It is hard to experience each year without him, but we have so much to be grateful for and most of all I'm grateful that one day we'll be together again! 

6 Years

Dearest Tacen

It's been 6 years today since we said good-bye for now! My how we miss you sweet boy! Its days like this I find myself thinking about and wondering what it would be like if you were still here with us! I long to see those blue eyes and hold your chubby hands! As time goes on being able to deal with your absence changes. Its not as harsh and piercing, but I still have moments where it hits be and knocks the breath out of me! When the longing strikes extra and I just wish to be with you.
I'm forever grateful for Daxon, Iszella and Lula May who remind me of you often! Daxon has recently begun praying and saying "Bless Tacen!" Iszella prays often that Tacen, Lori and Jesus will come back soon! She asks often where you are! She talks of before you were all in my belly and how she was in heaven with Tacen and Daxon! Lula May will catch a glimpse of one of your pictures on the wall and smile really big and point! They all know and love you. It's so important to me that you know you are never forgotten!
Yesterday at sacrament meeting we sang the song, "Each Life that Touches Ours For Good," and this part really stuck out and touched me as I thought of the fact that today would be your six year angleversary!

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory
Bringing, us nearer, Lord, to thee.

Tacen you are my goal right now. I want to be better. I want to do better, so that I can be with you again some day! You push me to try harder. You help me remember how precious life is and how things can change on a dime. You ground me and help me to be more patient with your brother and sisters! I want nothing more than when I've completed my time on this earth to see you, to wrap you in a big hug and potentially NEVER let go! I often feel you near and know that you are watching over us! If we can't have you here with us right now I'm so very thankful to know you are our own guardian angel! I love you so much my sweet boy! Thanks for listening and sending me not one, but two red headed sisters! Daxon has been praying for a baby brother for about a year now. So when we get ready to have another sibling would you send him a brother? He'd love nothing more than to have a brother here. I wish so badly you were here with him. He's the best big brother to your sisters and I know its the role he was meant to play, but oh how I long for you to be here and be his big brother! I know you are near often. I know you are still the big brother in our family even if you are not here, but its not the same. Sometimes I think about how our lives might be more chaotic and crazy if you were here, but wouldn't it be fun!?
We are thinking of you not only today, but always! Please never forget how much we love you! It's been 6 years and sometimes I can't believe its been that long and sometimes it feels like forever since I hugged and held you in my arms! We are 6 years closer to seeing you! I can't wait for that day, I love you so much sweet boy!

Love,
Mom

Happy 8th Birthday

Dearest Tacen

The last few months your absence has been continually very apparent for me. As I've seen the kids born near you getting baptized I've thought of you and noticed your absence. As grandkid events have come and gone I've thought about how you should be here and where you would fall. As Daxon prays daily for a baby brother I think about how you should be here and how he has a brother! I find myself thinking of you often and wishing so much you were here. You are always missed and NEVER forgotten!
It's so crazy to be that we should have been planning your baptism this weekend. I know where you are and I know you would have chosen to make this commitment in your life. I wish that we could see you dressed in white with your father and gone down into the baptismal font to be baptized! I wish that we could plan a program and make it such a special day! I wish we could celebrate this milestone in your life instead of wishing for it.
The other day Lula May was pointing to your baby picture we have on the wall in the dining room and Dad made the comment that she was the last one to see you! I often find myself wondering what you would be like at 8! What would your interests be. Who would your friends be? How would our family dynamic be different with you still here? How would that change the sibling relations or would the be different at all? So many questions I won't have answered in this life time and so many things I wish you could be here for!
Iszella prayed the other night that you could come back and then followed it up with, "Mom when will Tacen come back?" I said honey some day we'll see Tacen again, but I don't know when that will be. Her response was, but what day? How many days until then? I can't tell you how much I wish that I had an exact date to count down to! How much I wish that I knew exactly when I could hold you in my arms again!
Grief has away of sneaking up on me. We go through the year and I always think I've got it under control. I think that I know what to expect and yet it always sneaks up on me. It always seems about March I really started to realize that your birthday is coming. I start thinking about how you should be turning a year older and I see the kids who I remember being born when I was still pregnant with you. I see what they are doing and how they are growing and I ache for you! I ache to be experiencing all those things with you! Then as we hit your birthday it really strikes and I just wish you could be here to be hitting this milestones! I wish you could be with us right now!
Instead though we take July 2nd each year and we celebrate you! We talk with your brother and sisters about your favorite things. We find time to go and play in the water because that was always your favorite! We eat rice and cake. We talk about how you hated frosting and you really only loved the cake part! We let off balloons each year (8 this year) and we remember you! We hold you close buddy! We talk about you often! We are so thankful to know where you are, we are so thankful to have you watching over us! We long for the day we'll all be together again, but until then this day is yours! We love you sweet boy! Keep lighting up our lives from where you are and know how much we love you!
Happy birthday my sweet boy! I'll never stop missing or loving you!

Love,
Mom

Decorating Tacen's Special Place - Memorial Day 2018

Wednesday (5.23.18) we went and got flowers and planted the yellow tonka truck for Tacen for Memorial Day. Then Thursday (5.24.18) we went over during lunch time and put the Tonka on his special place. The kids always love running around and climbing on headstone and playing around. G'ma Sue sent some pictures after they put flowers on Tacen's grave and then my mom sent pictures after they put their flowers on. We feel so blessed that Tacen is so loved! I sure love these special children we have been blessed with. We sure miss our Tacen and look forward to when we can be with him again.