The last few months your absence has been continually very apparent for me. As I've seen the kids born near you getting baptized I've thought of you and noticed your absence. As grandkid events have come and gone I've thought about how you should be here and where you would fall. As Daxon prays daily for a baby brother I think about how you should be here and how he has a brother! I find myself thinking of you often and wishing so much you were here. You are always missed and NEVER forgotten!
It's so crazy to be that we should have been planning your baptism this weekend. I know where you are and I know you would have chosen to make this commitment in your life. I wish that we could see you dressed in white with your father and gone down into the baptismal font to be baptized! I wish that we could plan a program and make it such a special day! I wish we could celebrate this milestone in your life instead of wishing for it.
The other day Lula May was pointing to your baby picture we have on the wall in the dining room and Dad made the comment that she was the last one to see you! I often find myself wondering what you would be like at 8! What would your interests be. Who would your friends be? How would our family dynamic be different with you still here? How would that change the sibling relations or would the be different at all? So many questions I won't have answered in this life time and so many things I wish you could be here for!
Iszella prayed the other night that you could come back and then followed it up with, "Mom when will Tacen come back?" I said honey some day we'll see Tacen again, but I don't know when that will be. Her response was, but what day? How many days until then? I can't tell you how much I wish that I had an exact date to count down to! How much I wish that I knew exactly when I could hold you in my arms again!
Grief has away of sneaking up on me. We go through the year and I always think I've got it under control. I think that I know what to expect and yet it always sneaks up on me. It always seems about March I really started to realize that your birthday is coming. I start thinking about how you should be turning a year older and I see the kids who I remember being born when I was still pregnant with you. I see what they are doing and how they are growing and I ache for you! I ache to be experiencing all those things with you! Then as we hit your birthday it really strikes and I just wish you could be here to be hitting this milestones! I wish you could be with us right now!
Instead though we take July 2nd each year and we celebrate you! We talk with your brother and sisters about your favorite things. We find time to go and play in the water because that was always your favorite! We eat rice and cake. We talk about how you hated frosting and you really only loved the cake part! We let off balloons each year (8 this year) and we remember you! We hold you close buddy! We talk about you often! We are so thankful to know where you are, we are so thankful to have you watching over us! We long for the day we'll all be together again, but until then this day is yours! We love you sweet boy! Keep lighting up our lives from where you are and know how much we love you!
Happy birthday my sweet boy! I'll never stop missing or loving you!
Love,
Mom
