4 Years

Dear Tacen

It's been four years today since you went back to Heaven! We still miss you like crazy! You've been on my mind a lot lately. I think that's pretty normal for October, but being pregnant with another baby brother or sister of yours has heightened my emotions! There's so many things I often wonder about! I wonder what you'd be like as a 6 year old! I wonder what it would be like to have you here with us. I wonder how our family dynamics would be. But there are so many blessings you bring to our family even though you aren't here! I feel you near often! I love knowing that you are watching over us and that we have our own guardian angel! I love thinking about your being in heaven with this new sibling that will join our family in the spring!
Its hard to believe its been 4 years! How have you been gone that long? We are inching closer to you being gone twice as long as you were here with us, but we are also 4 years closer to seeing you! I love to think about that day. I imagine the sun will be shining it will be warm and bright. I'll see you and you'll be able to run to me! I'm certain I'll pick you up and never want to let you go, but I know I'll have to share you with your dad! I can't wait sweet boy!
Thank you so much for watching over us! Thank you for choosing our family and being the perfect boy you are! You give me so much hope. You keep me grounded and constantly remind me of what's really important in life! I hope I can be as good as you and one day be back with you!

Love you my sweet boy!
Always- Mom

...And then there were...six!

We are excited to announce that we are expecting another sweet baby to be added to our family in April 2017! When we miscarried at 11 weeks in June it was a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. We had taken Daxon and Iszella with us to the appointment only to find out there was no heartbeat and the baby was measuring only 8 weeks. I was still nauseated and throwing up and so confused as to how the baby had stopped developing! Then to top off such a devastating day we had to try to explain to our kids, especially Daxon that there was no baby in my belly and that our baby was going to stay with Tacen in heaven.  I felt awful that my sweet 4 year old who already has had to experience loss and trying to understand it at such a young age was again having to try to understand loss. Thankfully Iszella was pretty oblivious, but for weeks Daxon kept asking about the baby in my belly! I tried my best to explain this in the best way I knew how. It took a while, but he finally stopped talking about the baby in my belly quite as much.

We knew we still desperately wanted to add to our family and we feel so blessed that we were able to get pregnant again! I have been sicker than ever, but feel so lucky that our sweet baby is 13 weeks, measuring right on and has had a great, strong heartbeat! We are anxious for this little one to join our family! The kids are excited about this sweet baby which they've helped me decide we are calling Baby Fruit Loop.

My hormones have been all over the place, especially when it comes to Tacen lately! We are approaching his 4th angelversary and it seems so hard to believe that he hasn't been here with us for that long. This month always brings a waive of emotions, but especially after our miscarriage and now having extra pregnancy hormones I have found myself with tears running down my face often as I think of our sweet Tacen or miss him! I know he's close, but I sure do miss him! No matter how much time passes I still long to have him here with us. I often find myself wondering what it would be like to have a 6 year old and wish he was here with us now! I'm hoping he'll be close to us through this pregnancy and that he's with this sweet baby in heaven telling him/her good things about our family! We can't wait to have another little piece of heaven in our home! 

The Same Age

Today marks the day that Iszella is as old as Tacen was when he passed away! It is so nice to now have two children who have passed this mark. I'm so thankful to see Iszella walking, talking and progressing as she should. It's such a blessing to me to have two beautiful healthy children still here with us! Yet, its surreal. It's so crazy to me that Iszella who was never alive while Tacen was is now as old as he was. Sometimes she seems so much older because she talks well and walks well. Milestones Tacen never reached. Yet size wise she's still much smaller than Tacen was. It's hard to believe in just a little under two months Tacen will have been gone for 4 years! If there is one thing I have learned it's that life goes on. It stops for no one! I'm thankful for the beautiful life we had with Tacen, for the beautiful life we now have and for the knowledge that Tacen is always near and one day (no matter how far away) I'll get to experience all the experiences moving forward with Tacen! Until then I'm thankful for the days we get with Daxon and Iszella. For the things Tacen has taught me and the things he continues to teach me and bring to my remembrance! 

Accepting the Lord’s Will and Timing

The other night I was reading the Ensign and came across this article,  "Accepting the Lord’s Will and Timing" By Elder David A. Bednar.  Here's a few parts that stood out to me:

"I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”"

"In his October 1997 general conference message, Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’--meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.”"

"I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “John, do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”"

"...strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives--even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted."

"Elder Bednar, I do not want to die. I do not want to leave Heather. But if the will of the Lord is to transfer me to the spirit world, then I guess I am good with that.”"

There were a few parts of this that I really relate to. The part which says, "Do you have faith not to be healed?" In our experience with Tacen that's how I felt. We knew that God could perform a miracle, but it wasn't His will for Tacen and our family and his will was for us to accept that he would not be healed and that he would return to our Heavenly Father!

Then the end really reminded me of what I feel like I have learned since Tacen's passing. "And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity."

"Thus, their experience was not primarily about living and dying; rather, it was about learning, living, and becoming."

Because of Tacen I have learned many things I couldn't have learned in any other way. It has taught me about life, about joy and about becoming who I am supposed to become.  All of these things have happened since we lost Tacen. Tacen changed me and he continues to help me be better! I'm grateful for the chance to be his mom. Because even though losing Tacen makes me feel like a piece of my heart is missing I wouldn't trade all those memories and the love for anything! It love looking back on pictures and remembering to pure joy he brought into our lives. I'm grateful for an eternal Father in Heaven who understands us and loves us. He helps us through our deepest hardest moments and not only do we get through them, but we come out stronger, better and more refined!
Each trial we face and overcome we become stronger! I continue to learn this in my life. Life is not without trial, but each time I face something difficult looking back I see how I learned. I see our Heavenly Father's hand in my life and I come through. I make it through. I have highs and lows, but I am learning and trying to better. Because life is wonderful! Life is worth living!

Here's a couple pictures of my sweet boy!

Iszella has really been into lip gloss lately. Maybe it's the age! 

Learning from Loss

If there is one thing I have learned along my journey of loss its that it teaches you things. I have learned that loss is hard! That its a struggle and a grieving process. It's not something you just get over. Its something you learn to live with and it can strike again at any moment. You have those moments where sadness and grief take over and I have learned that I need those moments. I need to take the moments to let the emotion out.
Yet, in all of this loss has taught me to slow down! That life is short and you are never guaranteed that tomorrow will be the same as today. It has taught me that my children are precious and special. It has taught me to appreciate my husband more. I am grateful for every day I have with them. I am not perfect. I'm a normal mother with normal frustrations and struggles, but loss has taught me that each moment is special. Each child of mine brings me light and joy into my life in a different way. It has taught me to hold on a little tighter, to love a little stronger and to not let the simple and special moments pass by! Tacen continues to remind me to stop and slow down!
Loss has taught me to appreciate the moments in my life. To appreciate pregnancy in all its glory and miracles because even when it can difficult there are those who want nothing more than to carry a child within their womb. To appreciate that through the ashes and struggles we can arise and be more!
Loss has taught me that everyone has struggles. Every struggle is hard for the person experiencing it and there is no need to compare! The struggles, the losses they make us stronger! I've never wanted loss to define me! I want to rise above just like my Tacen and say, "I think I can!" and then get up with a smile on my face and press on! Because I am learning and I am growing! I am trying to appreciate the simple moments. To stop and hold my children tightly, to love them fiercely and to feel gratitude in my life! So as someone who as experienced loss for me, please stop and enjoy those moments! Because even when something is hard I have a life to live and I am grateful to wake up in the morning and be here with the children and family I have been blessed with here on the earth! Its not going to get easier. Life isn't meant to be easy. Life is meant to help us grow! So I am going to keep on growing because loss won't define me! I won't let it!

Celebrating Tacen

Each year as those we love share pictures of balloons or time spent in water it warms my heart and touches me so! We just love seeing you remember and celebrate Tacen! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about Tacen and our family! You'll never know how much it means to me!

Tacen's Day - 6th Birthday

Saturday (7.2.16) we celebrated Tacen's 6th Birthday. We got up and left around 8am to head to Seven Peaks in Provo. We met up with JJ and Josh and had a fun day playing in the water just like Tacen would love. It was a little emotional for me given that had we not miscarried a week ago we would have been 12 weeks on Friday (7.1.16) and we were planning to announce an upcoming baby which I thought would help lessen the sadness of celebrating Tacen's birthday without him, but instead we were not only celebrating Tacen's birthday with out him, but we aren't pregnant any more. There was a quite of bit emotion on my part. We had a rough couple weeks and I'm happy to have them behind me. The drive out I felt the sadness creeping in, but by the time we got to Seven Peaks and starting playing it really helped. I find myself feeling mopey especially on days like T's birthday, but getting out of the house, playing with Daxon and Iszella and being with Cade and then you add fun in the water and it's perfect! It was just what I needed and I was so grateful to be spending the day with my family! We rode slides, played in lazy river, slid down the kids slides and did the wave pool. Perfect way to celebrate our Tacen! 

We headed home around 2pm. Iszella was so worn out she fell right asleep trying to drink her milk. Poor girl! We got home just before 5pm. I got Hawaiian Haystacks going for dinner and Cade's parents and Kimbrie (our niece) came over. We had to have rice for dinner since that's one of Tacen's favorites. Iszella ate really well which is rare for her lately. After dinner we all enjoyed cupcakes and then we went on out to send off Tacen's 6 blue balloons! Daxon loves the idea of sending them to Tacen. When we told Daxon that it was Tacen's birthday his first response was, "Is he coming down?" That's a hard part of dealing with the loss of a child is that I know how badly Daxon wants to see his brother and its so hard for him to understand why he can't just come back from heaven and see us! I wish so badly he could come and see us! 

We ended the day watching our picture slideshow/video of Tacen. I love remembering him and spending the day as he would have loved! We miss you sweet boy!