Learning from Loss

If there is one thing I have learned along my journey of loss its that it teaches you things. I have learned that loss is hard! That its a struggle and a grieving process. It's not something you just get over. Its something you learn to live with and it can strike again at any moment. You have those moments where sadness and grief take over and I have learned that I need those moments. I need to take the moments to let the emotion out.
Yet, in all of this loss has taught me to slow down! That life is short and you are never guaranteed that tomorrow will be the same as today. It has taught me that my children are precious and special. It has taught me to appreciate my husband more. I am grateful for every day I have with them. I am not perfect. I'm a normal mother with normal frustrations and struggles, but loss has taught me that each moment is special. Each child of mine brings me light and joy into my life in a different way. It has taught me to hold on a little tighter, to love a little stronger and to not let the simple and special moments pass by! Tacen continues to remind me to stop and slow down!
Loss has taught me to appreciate the moments in my life. To appreciate pregnancy in all its glory and miracles because even when it can difficult there are those who want nothing more than to carry a child within their womb. To appreciate that through the ashes and struggles we can arise and be more!
Loss has taught me that everyone has struggles. Every struggle is hard for the person experiencing it and there is no need to compare! The struggles, the losses they make us stronger! I've never wanted loss to define me! I want to rise above just like my Tacen and say, "I think I can!" and then get up with a smile on my face and press on! Because I am learning and I am growing! I am trying to appreciate the simple moments. To stop and hold my children tightly, to love them fiercely and to feel gratitude in my life! So as someone who as experienced loss for me, please stop and enjoy those moments! Because even when something is hard I have a life to live and I am grateful to wake up in the morning and be here with the children and family I have been blessed with here on the earth! Its not going to get easier. Life isn't meant to be easy. Life is meant to help us grow! So I am going to keep on growing because loss won't define me! I won't let it!

Celebrating Tacen

Each year as those we love share pictures of balloons or time spent in water it warms my heart and touches me so! We just love seeing you remember and celebrate Tacen! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about Tacen and our family! You'll never know how much it means to me!

Tacen's Day - 6th Birthday

Saturday (7.2.16) we celebrated Tacen's 6th Birthday. We got up and left around 8am to head to Seven Peaks in Provo. We met up with JJ and Josh and had a fun day playing in the water just like Tacen would love. It was a little emotional for me given that had we not miscarried a week ago we would have been 12 weeks on Friday (7.1.16) and we were planning to announce an upcoming baby which I thought would help lessen the sadness of celebrating Tacen's birthday without him, but instead we were not only celebrating Tacen's birthday with out him, but we aren't pregnant any more. There was a quite of bit emotion on my part. We had a rough couple weeks and I'm happy to have them behind me. The drive out I felt the sadness creeping in, but by the time we got to Seven Peaks and starting playing it really helped. I find myself feeling mopey especially on days like T's birthday, but getting out of the house, playing with Daxon and Iszella and being with Cade and then you add fun in the water and it's perfect! It was just what I needed and I was so grateful to be spending the day with my family! We rode slides, played in lazy river, slid down the kids slides and did the wave pool. Perfect way to celebrate our Tacen! 

We headed home around 2pm. Iszella was so worn out she fell right asleep trying to drink her milk. Poor girl! We got home just before 5pm. I got Hawaiian Haystacks going for dinner and Cade's parents and Kimbrie (our niece) came over. We had to have rice for dinner since that's one of Tacen's favorites. Iszella ate really well which is rare for her lately. After dinner we all enjoyed cupcakes and then we went on out to send off Tacen's 6 blue balloons! Daxon loves the idea of sending them to Tacen. When we told Daxon that it was Tacen's birthday his first response was, "Is he coming down?" That's a hard part of dealing with the loss of a child is that I know how badly Daxon wants to see his brother and its so hard for him to understand why he can't just come back from heaven and see us! I wish so badly he could come and see us! 

We ended the day watching our picture slideshow/video of Tacen. I love remembering him and spending the day as he would have loved! We miss you sweet boy!

Tacen's 6th Birthday

Dear Tacen

You would be six today! Happy Birthday my sweet boy! Its hard to imagine what you would be like at six. I imagine you would be wrecking havoc and causing trouble with your brother and sister! Something I long for quite often. I wish I could take a peak for just a moment at what might have been if you were still here with us. Its hard for me to imagine!
We all miss you. Daxon talks about you often! He says things like, "Mom I miss Tacen I wish he could come down with us!" He recently found and extra pillow in his closet and he put it on his bed and said, "That's for Tace so when he comes down he can sleep with me and I will give him his b (blanket) back." Daxon has been sleeping with one of your blankets the last 6 months or so. I am constantly amazed at how much he thinks about and speaks of you! He knows and loves you and I am so grateful for that! One of my biggest fears from the moment you passed away was forgetting. I didn't want to forget anything about you and I didn't want others to forget you. I know that time has made my memories fade, but you are definitely not forgotten!
Iszella is starting to talk more of you too! She loves to talk about how I am her mom. Then she begins listing, "Iszie's mom! Tacen's mom! Daxon's mom!" She knows and loves you!
The kids love to go to the cemetery or your special place as we've started calling it. Daxon has noticed that their are other graves and he knows that those people also have special places and they are in heaven with you. He's a smart boy! The kids always climb on your headstone, which at first I wasn't sure if that was ok, but then I realized that it was their only way of playing with you and its an endearing sight for me to see!
Tacen as I think about the day you were born and the two birthdays we got to spend with you I am reminded of all the joy you brought into our lives! The day you were born you made your dad and I so happy and so proud. We were so excited to be parents and you fulfilled that dream for us! You were stubborn and made us wait for what seemed like forever the last month of my pregnancy, but that first time I held you in my arms it was all worth it. You instantly had me with your bright blue eyes and dark hair!
On you first birthday I recall playing so joyfully in the water and digging right into your cake! You had a smile on your face most of the day! That contagious smile of yours!
On your second birthday I think about how I went a little overboard on your birthday party. I guess that's what happens with your first! I made car shaped crayons, race tracks, cars frozen in water and more than I can recall! I remember being thankful after you passed away that your last birthday was a big one! We were so happy to celebrate you! Your love for cars was a big part of who you are! Along with those big blue eyes and that smile!
I am so unbelievably grateful for the time we got to have with you! 28 months wasn't long enough, but as I've thought back on it all I realize our time could have gotten cut short much sooner! It was such a blessing we had you with us as long as we did! We learned so much from you! You allowed me the privilege of being a mother! You taught me to never give up, but to think I can and keep going! I still am learning things from you and your example and zeal for life!
We wish every day that you could still be here with us, but I feel you near often and that is a blessing I hold dear to my heart! I know you are never far and I can't wait until the day I can hold you in my arms again! I just might not let go! Happy happy birthday my sweet boy! I hope you always know how much we love you and I hope perhaps you are having some angel food cake for your birthday! We love you so much!
Love,
Mama